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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell you that you ruined the carol service

137 replies

Starrystar · 04/12/2017 20:36

Took my Rainbow to a girlguiding carol service tonight, put on for the local community. The Rainbows, Brownies and Guides did really well - sang beautifully and delivered some lovely readings and prayers, but the service was marred, and the girls distracted by approx half a dozen young kids shouting, screaming and complaining. And aside from a bit of half hearted sshhh-ing from parents rolling their eyes in a "oh bless them" sort of way, they were allowed to run amok.

I'm so annoyed - if you cant control your fucking children, take them home.

And breathe.

OP posts:
TheHungryDonkey · 05/12/2017 08:03

Spikeyball, in real life I like to think that people can see that. I was annoyed about a child constantly talking behind me at the theatre on Saturday night. Turned around to look and thought OK fair enough. Because clearly the child couldn’t help it and I filtered it out.

In reality I think it’s obvious who can’t be bothered to parent their child and which child is struggling or has a disability. But Mumsnet is a world away from reality sometimes.

MaisyPops · 05/12/2017 08:13

GoldenWondering
Gosh that is awful!

I get being Hmm when parents allow their child to run wild.
But when they are just doing their best and being considerate ti be anything other than supportive and understanding is awful.

A pastor friend of mine shared this and I think it's very true -
m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3909085

Mermaidblue · 05/12/2017 08:16

As a parent, if your child is being continually disruptive, in any social setting, you either decide to take them out of the room or not go to the event/place at all.

Stay at home!!

NoelNiki · 05/12/2017 08:21

I went to a christening once. The children being baptised were maybe 1.5 and the other one 3. They behaved impeccably at the font and through the service.

Guests however.....one brought 3 dc aged 2-9. The 2 year old screamed the church down as he was bored and mum dumped him.on granny to walk him up and down the back. It was mid summer and no reason why he couldnt be taken out side. The 2 older ones aged about 7 and 9 harassed the vicar throughout the ceremony. Wouldn't sit down, talked to him during the whole service. He started shouting above them to be heard. The mother sat and watched.

Ffs why cant people control their children.

nannybeach · 05/12/2017 08:34

Maisypops, you have hit the nail on the head. I came from the children should be seen and not heard generation, can anyone imagine the 2 youngest "royals" behaving like this! Children cannot have suddenly "changed" in behaviour, so it has to be the parenting!

YorkieDorkie · 05/12/2017 08:42

YANBU, I have a 2yo DD who is the best behaved toddler I could hope for but I would still be wary of taking her to something like this. I've walked to the back of church a few times to stop her distracting the service. It isn't nice for those who have come to actually hear what's going on.

justinelibertine · 05/12/2017 08:50

Mermaidblue, how do you suggest I get my child used to social situations if we have to stay at home or one of us spend most of the time outside.
Just so you aren't dusturbed.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2017 08:53

justine being taken outside by a parent when a child is playing up/being noisy, is exactly how they learn about social situations.

MaisyPops · 05/12/2017 08:56

I think what mermaid is saying is that if (for whatever reason) a child is highly disruptive then the correct and polite thing to do is use a range of strategies and if thry don't work then it is polite to take the child outside.
My friend who has a boy with ASD does this. Uses lots of strategies and at first he could only manage 15 mins even with ear defenders on. Now as long as it's a familiar place he can do much longer and other than his defenders you wpuldn't know he was colouring or sittibg with his tablet for SEN needs or if he was any other NT child.

When he had a meltdown, she always took him out. Better for him to settle and be out of that situation than keep him in 'to get him used to it'. Nobody was ever funny with her. They probably would have been a bit hmm if they had to sit through 45 mins of it because she wants to keep him in a quiet event.

Spikeyball · 05/12/2017 08:57

That depends upon the child Worra. If we are only talking about NT children then yes a lot of the time that works.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2017 08:59

Spikey if I were talking about children with SN, I would have stated that, just for the avoidance of doubt.

Sorry, I should have made it clear that I was talking about the fairly large rise in children being allowed to disrupt these events, compared to roughly 10 years or more ago.

Basseting · 05/12/2017 09:00

"I would advise you against engaging in a game of Bible ping pong with me"

and "not a club for Saints but a hospital for sinners"

Am loving this work :)

speakout
my kids School held their Christingle service on 30 Nov this year...

ByThePowerOfRa · 05/12/2017 09:14

Our church has a lovely, large play area for children, at the back of the church. Everybody is pretty respectful tbh. We only bring our toddler to ‘grown up’ church services once in a blue moon, (like recently, when a priest we knew really well was doing her last service at the church and she invited us to attend). When we do bring her to these services, all the children are usually well policed by parents at the back. I’ve definitely seen the odd disapproving look from the regular ‘grown up’ service-goers towards any young children who attend anyway though. For some, I really think the mere presence of young children is a disturbance, even when they’re all being impeccably behaved, as they were at the aforementioned service. Maybe it’s the surprise of seeing young children at more ‘grown up’ services, or maybe they’re wary because they’ve had services ruined in the past? Don’t know.

The church also runs family friendly services for families with young children, which is great as it allows families with energetic / spirited children to take them to church without being embarrassed. Funnily enough, there are several single people and couples who come along to that service though, just because they enjoy it. Nobody glares at them for coming either... they’re all made very welcome, regardless of whether they have young children, or join in with the silly, toddler dancing etc or not .

Fwiw, if dd was causing a ruckus in any church service, I’d whisk her out. Have had to do it once I think.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/12/2017 09:22

Well I have been taught that Christianity is actually about brokenness; acknowledging we are all imperfect people just doing our best. And about forgiveness; being forgiven by God, forgiving each other and ourselves. But mostly about just being kind to each other.

I think the idea of judginess comes from people who don't really know much about Christianity. If your local church is horrid, find a more loving one.

ErmagherdWerfWerfs · 05/12/2017 09:54

That’s a lovely idea Tinkly but anyone who sells that sort of fluffy version of Christianity is cherry picking.

Sure there are nice Christians but any religion that tells you how severely you can beat your slave and sends you to hell for simply not believing in something is not actually nice.

5amisnotmorning · 05/12/2017 10:10

JustineLibertine, I don't mind children playing up or not sitting still or even running amok as long as it looks like the parent has attempted something to try and get them to behave. All children are different and we will all run into different challenges with their behaviour at some point. As long as you have tried I have sympathy. It's those that either smile sweetly at the children or sit on their phones.

TaylorTinker · 05/12/2017 10:15

You take them outside when they start getting noisy.

Aeroplanes ARE tricky though!

justinelibertine · 05/12/2017 10:18

Thank you for being so supportive, I honestly do try. And DD is not the complete whirlwind she was a year ago.
It mortifies me that people do think she is badly behaved (which she is sometimes) and that we are crap parents.
It may look like that, but threads like this remind me to keep going and don't give up.

bertiesgal · 05/12/2017 10:30

We have toddler twins, a 4 yo and a 7yo. We have missed out on so much because we know that they are at a tricky stage. I like to think I'm strict but when they run in opposite directions (and appear to have the voice and strength of 10 men) then I accept I'm beaten. I've already arranged tickets for the nativity that mean DH and I are going on different nights so that we don't take the twins.

I'm actually a little sad when I reflect on all of the things we've left early/chosen to avoid because if the twins. They're getting better though so hopefully next year we can do normal things.

I know that there will be people who think that we should be able to control them better and pre having 4 under 4 I would have agreed. I now realise it's just not worth the stress and so keep them home while constantly setting boundaries/using positive reinforcement to improve their behaviour.

It's not forever but I always give any parent of a toddler a smile and look of sympathy because it's bloody hard (and embarrassing).

Sorry the concert was ruined but sometimes you feel so guilty about missing the older child's moment that you risk it, especially if DH working/ a single parent. Life isn't as neat and tidy for everyone.

HamishBamish · 05/12/2017 10:41

YANBU OP. This kind of thing really annoys me too.

Yes, children do play up when they are little, but as a parent it’s your responsibility to deal with them, not let them ruin the performance or occasion for everyone else. When they play up you remove them. I only had to do that with mine a couple of times and then they realised that to stay they needed to behave and be quiet. It works for restaurants too.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/12/2017 13:32

Well I would argue that it's not cherry picking Erma. Christianity is about the teachings of Christ (the clue is in the name) not old Jewish rules as laid out in the Old Testament. Christ was extremely unjudgy, even by today's standards, let alone the standards of his time. If everyone lived by his rules the world would be lovely.

roseblossom75 · 05/12/2017 13:45

I've been there so many times when mine were toddlers and without fail I could never exit the room quick enough with them!
I felt mortified and just took them straight out every time.

There was a mum with a screaming toddler who just didn't move and no-one could hear the children saying their lines.
One of the grannies turned around and really lost with this mum. She started yelling "For goodness sake! Take him out!".
In the end the hissing granny caused as much of a scene as the screaming toddler and whole thing was chaos.

SilverySurfer · 05/12/2017 13:50

I'm not a parent but i do not understand why one would allow their child/ren to run amok and ruin an event for everyone else, including the participants. I can't ever remember that happening when I was a child. If I or another child misbehaved we were either swiftly disciplined or removed from the area.

It reminds me of a wedding I attended. The ceremony commenced with the priest saying 'well we all want to see the match later so let's get on with it' and it then descended into chaos with 3 or 4 children racing, screaming and shouting up and down the aisles while their indulgent parents looked on fondly at their happy little monsters free spirits throughout the ceremony.

Having never been told 'no' I dread to think what these children will be like as adults and don't envy their first employers.

ErmagherdWerfWerfs · 05/12/2017 16:48

But aren’t the OT and NT the Word of God?

ToastyFingers · 05/12/2017 16:57

IJoinedJustToPostThis I would advise against engaging in a game of Bible Ping Pong with me

Right, thats it. That's officially the most bizzare threat ive ever heared (read).
I can just imagine Moira from the church hall social club hissing it through gritted teeth because the vicar liked Maureen's scones better.