Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

[thedowntontrout]

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

About half of our wedding guests were friends of my parents and DH's parents. People we know well, but still primarily their friends. They were paying for it, and it just seemed normal - they'd been to all their friends' children's weddings and would have been very hurt not to have been able to reciprocate by inviting their friends to ours. Obviously we had final say, and wouldn't have invited people neither of us knew, but it would never have occurred to me to fill all the available slots with our own generation - that's not how weddings work, in my experience! Preventing you having your closest friends there seems very odd to me.

Marisa I love how you totally ignored the sentence above the one you highlighted and chose to use half of what I actually said to make your point.
There are always 2 sides to a story. I can only tell my side and that’s why I’m questioning if I’m being unreasonable.

Oh god this is the minefield I am not looking forward to. I have a loooong way to go before I am in this situation thankfully.

I was married before and my mum and step dad paid for most of it and my dad and step mum contributed. There was a lot of family from both parents sides and my step parents family were also invited. My parents had their closest friends there. I also invited my MoH's parents to the evening do.

I have sons and MN gives me the fear that I may as well kiss my sons goodbye as soon as a love interest appears on the scene.

I would probably be heavy handed in this situation and tell my son to not be so bloody selfish and self absorbed and let me have my best friend and her husband there who he has grown up with and played with their kids and called her auntie. But then again I am aware I'll probably be one of those MILs who gets a thread started about them on here

I'm really surprised at how many people here think it's reasonable for parents to be able to invite friends to their childrens' weddings

Couched in those terms, I don't think I've seen any pps saying that is reasonable. Pretty unusual in fact.

I've posted that I don't think OP is being unreasonable, because the friends she wanted and expected would have an invitation are friends of the family who have been involved in the grooms life since his childhood.

There are a couple of my friends who will almost certainly be invited to my dd's wedding. Friends of mine, but who were also part of my childrens' lives. Friends of mine who bought them birthday presents when they were small, who would help out in an emergency, and just generally be around when needed or there was a birthday party to help with.
Close family friends, in fact. This is what I've assumed the OP is talking about. It seems mean-spirited to suddenly dismiss them from your life because it's a wedding an they're not 'related' and anyway they're just your parents' friends - when they have been so much more than that for most of your life.

Somebody your mother met at knit and natter a couple of years ago and she just fancies a bit of company, well, not so much. Obviously.
I felt that all needed to be clarified.

You do seem to only blame the bride and that may not be fair. Yes, it's disappointing but let it go. You're not doing your relationship with either of them any favours x

Actually just remembered there was more of their friends invited to the evening do who I didn't know from Adam!

Maybe I’m feeling bitter about this because it’s the final straw and I’m feeling like a mug

This is the nub of it, OP. You need to sort this feeling out - starting by talking to your son, then maybe the two of them together.

There's obviously a lot going on here and personally I think you'd be better clearing the air and setting some fair boundaries well before rather than during the wedding.

Although everyone likes a good wedding row thread on here...

@JillyJellybean But they don't have room to invite all their own friends or family - why should family friends (who the bride doesn't know very well, at OP's own admission) be prioritised? If they had a massive venue and were able to invite everyone they wanted I would agree that it seems churlish not to invite close family friends - but that's not the case here.

It seems to be a complete split, as a PP said - for some people, a wedding is about the marriage of the couple and therefore they should get final say on who's invited. For others it's about the two families and therefore it's expected that the parents will be able to have a say in the guest list. Hard to find a middle ground there. As someone in the former camp, I didn't want anyone at my wedding that both DH and I didn't know and love - I think that's fair enough?

No.

It’s not your wedding, the fact that you only have a few family members from your side is irrelevant. The reception is for the bride and groom, it’s NOT your day, it’s not your party.

It’s absolutely not your place to suggest any guests.

Both of our parents best friends will be there, although we have known them for a long time. My mum has her little group and my partners mums best friend and her children will be there. We don’t know the children too well but are happy for them to come along to celebrate. Both of our parents asked though, you should ask

@thedowntontrout I highlighted that because it makes your feelings about your DIL perfectly clear. Also peachgreen highlighted the same thing and you didn't attack her...

My mum and MIL were allowed to choose to invite 3 guests and their plus 1s each but we had the room, had we not they wouldn't have been allowed to.

Both chose the people we'd have chosen anyway and they were lovely guests who I am now quite close to myself.

Fabellini - if you're a dinosaur so am I - and I only got married eight years ago! (And my sister got married in 2014 with a similar expectation that parents' friends would be a large proportion of the guest list).

If I've read this right, there are 4 of you from groom's side of the family, presumably similar number from bride's side, so 8ish, and 70 places. So bride and groom have 60+ close friends that they expect to be part of their lives forever? Wow, lucky them! FWIW op, I don't think YABU to ask (not demand) for an invite for your 2 closest friends, who they both know and presumably don't hate (or they would have turned down invitations to their home).

I think one thing that many people forget when saying it's all about the bride and groom and their friends is that many of those friends could be relatively short term compared to family friends and will not stay about as long.

Some friends and I were discussing this recently, after a friend had an issue similar to yours OP, and we all noticed how many uni friends, work friends, etc were on our wedding pictures but, even 5 years later, were gone from our lives (not through fall outs, just life moves on). Same thing with older DCs. Sad when people who may have seen the bride or groom grow up, been involved in their life for years and will be there for many more cannot be involved.
There's no easy answer to this one, the best we can hope for is a balance where no-one feels upset by it

But they don't have room to invite all their own friends or family

I thought , very early on, the OP had said there was no limit on numbers. I may have made a mistake.
But also, there are going to be a lot of people there that the groom doesn't know, and very few of his own relatives. I'd say there was a good argument for him wanting to have more people who are close to him. But apparently he doesn't. It's a minefield.

I still don't think OP IBU

It makes me frustrated reading this thread. I don't think it's about the money tbh - and I HATE this notion that paying for something gives you control over it. I also hate the attitude that "young people are all entitled and grabby" that is coming across from some posters.

My MIL-to-be literally refused to communicate for about 2 months as the result of a row over the guest list. My crime? I refused to add 2 couples to the list (there were already 10 of their friends plus all family on the list) because 1 couple I'd never even heard of let alone met and the other couple because they were relatively new friends who neither my fiance or I had met. For context - we were paying about 65% of the cost, my parents the remainder. MIL had more friends invited than my parents and our own friends made up about 30% of the total. It wasn't about cost at that point more that we felt we had been very fair and had invited a decent number of PIL (and my own parent's) friends at our own behest - this just felt like taking the mick.

OP, I actually agree that it would be nice for you to have your friends there - but please don't tar all of my generation with the one brush everyone else! unless of course you think I should have just let my MIL invite the entire WI in which case I clearly am being unreasonable

Sad when people who may have seen the bride or groom grow up, been involved in their life for years and will be there for many more cannot be involved

Yes, exactly this.

It depends on the size of the w doing and who the guests are. If it is a large wedding or the guests in question are close relatives like grandparents or aunts/uncles then YANBU. But if the wedding is small (less than 80 guests) or the people that you want to invite aren't close to the groom/the groom doesn't like them then YABU.

IMO there shouldn't be a "discussion" about the guest list with the parents or in laws. It's not your wedding to discuss in that way. Offering money should not buy certain involvement or be given with conditions. If you have presented in this way I can see how it is met with resistance.
But did you mention 30 k??? Also IMO that is just a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding. That changes the game and bit. I can't believe they even accepted the money from you.
Dh and I got married 2 years ago and accepted 4 k from each side. We told both parents they could invite 2 friends of their choice. However we did tell Mil that her bf was not invited because of the potential drama it could cause with fil. He is still sulking about it to this day but we dont regret it. And we invited no relatives from my mum's side of the family because they are all drunks or in prison.
My mum did try and throw her weight around with some details and I shut her down. Some things I did cave on (I didn't want a top table because of the mil fil situation) and i changed that after my brother wrote to say I was bu. But the money didn't mean complete control over our wedding. And in the end my mum admitted that it was a fantastic day.

So if you are being pushy with many decisions n criticising other choices I can see how it might get their backs up. But if this is the only request then they should be flexible here.
Do you have other dc who can talk to them? That might help and be more accepted that what could be seen as "meddling parents"

@JillyJellyBean OP said the reason they’ve given is that they can’t even invite all of their own friends so don’t want family and others taking up places. Though you're right that she also said that there was no limit at the venue (but I guess there may be number limits on other things, caterers etc).

To be honest it may be as simple as the bride and groom not liking this couple, or simply just not wanting them to be there. I think that's their prerogative, personally, but obviously I can only speak from my own perspective. Our wedding was incredibly meaningful and important to us and I hated the thought of anyone being there who wasn't 100% supportive of our marriage and wouldn't be a close part of our lives for a long time. That might not be the case for OP's son and DIL but I still think it's their call.

In view of the size of your family, I don't think you are being unreasonable, especially if the individuals concerned are close
family friends. If you were like my friend's parents and insisting on two close friends in addition to your eight siblings, their partners, their children and children's partners - well, that would be different.

My DSis is getting married. She asked my parents whether there was anyone they particularly wanted to invite. They asked for three close family friends, two of whom were already on my sister's list. (We have no aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc). DSis more than happy to accommodate this. Her DFiance's mother drew up a list of 20 distant relatives who my sister has never heard of, never mind met and was given somewhat shorter shrift

margotsdevil absolutely not tarring everyone. In the same way I wish people who’ve had interfering, demand MILs would not immediately assume that I’m one of them. But then maybe that’s how DIL sees me. We had a great relationship for lots of years. I don5 know how it’s gone wrong.

Anyway. I’m sad about it. That’s how I feel. *shrugs

It seems there isn’t consensus on BU or not BU.

From the bare facts of the matter, no, you would hope that nice people planned for a nice day for all their guests - maybe including, as a kindness, friends of the parents, since family of their generation aren't attending.

However, I'm afraid you're coming off as a little martyred and self-pitying OP, and that always makes my spidey senses tingle as to how things have gone on before, and how obligated they SHOULD feel.

I see this sort of upset in relationships where there's poor communication - lots of aggrieved asides about the relationship that 'should' be there, but little done proactively make it happen, then a lot of hurt feelings when the expectations aren't met. You can't give people £30k and pretend it's strings free when there are in fact strings. You did a generous thing, but you did a disservice to yourself by giving money without addressing what it meant to you.

FWIW, I am engaged, my parents may or may not offer money, but I will ONLY accept it as a gift, not with conditions. My fiance and I saved 55k for our house deposit because we knew that my parents would give us money, but expect an input into the choice as they did with my brother (and obviously we didn't need the money anyway). We're inviting plenty of aunts and uncles who are both friends as well as relatives to them, and we just wouldn't want some of their friends (who they have no idea we dislike) at our wedding.

My MIL to be is giving us money (again, we don't need but will gratefully accept as a gift), but she's already been round for a chat with me about things, and said the main thing is doing it how you want, and what she wants for us is a day that's as we want it - no looking at photos and wondering 'who on earth is that' down the line like she had to.

No not your day.

Dunno why people think that just because the parents help pay for the wedding that they get a say in who goes. It's not your wedding, it's your child's.