Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

[thedowntontrout]

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

I don’t think money should give me any sway ... I’m not trying to buy places on the guest list. I’m asking if people think I’m BU for expecting to be consulted on the guest list. There have never been any strings attached

I believe you, OP - you couldn't have been clearer that you mentioned the money because PPs asked. If I might be allowed to mention money, though, you said the bride's parents offered to pay for the wedding, but that there was a shortfall which you made up ... so out of interest, just how much of this are the B&G paying for themselves?

Irrespective of the £££ though, I agree there's far too much selfishness around weddings these days; a mere 2 guests is so little to hope for, and I really hope some compromise can be reached

Barbaro What a nasty uncompromising attitude. It's been pointed out upthread that when many of our generation married, weddings were all about being a family celebration, organised by and for the parents, who also paid for it. When we discussed our weddings recently (my friends and I are all in our late 50s and early 60s) most of us were allowed around 10 friends max.
Now we seem to have a situation where many young people expect it to be all about them and their friends but are still expecting the monetary contribution. It is not unreasonable for parents to ask for a discussion on invitations and 2 guests certainly does not sound unreasonable

IvorHughJarrs Your opinion. But no one gets a say in my wedding but me and my partner. I don't want people I don't know nor talk to there, why would I? It's just weird, 'hey stranger come to my wedding, last time you saw me I was a baby but hey ho'.

I would only actually invite one of my mums friends, because I know her and her husband, talk to them a couple of times a year and they are a very close family friend to us all. But anyone else, no chance.

neoflex your wedding and the way you handled the issues sounds perfect to me. I am expecting less here though.
I haven’t interfered in anything.
1 DD is a bridesmaid. Other DD is offended 😬 DH isn’t bothered.

peachgreen they’ve had to cut numbers as the budget won’t stretch to the 100plus close friends.

I understand a line has to be drawn. I think there are unrealistic expectations here probably on all sides.

YABU

We had a very small wedding 17 adult guests (+ 4 more invited but unable to attend) and 8 child guests.

Parents and PIL contributed some money towards it.

DH and I decided the guest lists and 2 of the guests included my Mums best friend + her DH (who had been closer than my Aunties and Uncles when I was a kid) unfortunately they got ill so weren't able to attend. It was totally my decision to invite them because I love them dearly. The only people who sulked about not being invited were one set of Auntie and Uncle (but then that Uncle felt the need to whinge to the undertaker about where he was seated at my Dads funeral so it was hardly unexpected from him!!!).

Having any more guests would have completely changed the whole feeling of the day, as it was it was small and intimate and I got to spend proper amounts of time sat down chilling out and chatting with the few people I really wanted to spend that day with, as did DH who choose to only invite his immediate family (Mum, Dad and siblings + OHs) despite me trying to persuade him to invite some of his own friends, at the end of the day I realised it was his day too and his decision to make not mine.

OP I think you need to trust your sons judgement on how he wants his wedding day and who he wants to spend his special day with.

Ivor that’s how it was for me when I got married and for everyone I know too. Which is why I’m surprised and yes, disappointed.

Tbh your son is the one responsible - he knows them, he loves you, he led you to believe they were coming. So why is DIL getting the flack? And even if its because she's controlling and demanding etc it is tail ltoir son who is actively choosing to be in that relationship.
Tbh they both sound spoiled. Bemoaning not being able to afford the type of wedding they want when they're putting nothing or next to nothing towards it? Uh no. Pay your own way or shush

I don't think YABU OP, you sound very considered and calm really.

It sounds to me as if you're DS/DIL are just going a bit "power mad" and trying to plan the perfect Pinterest wedding for everyone and their dog without realising that actually a wedding is a celebration of your relationship, which doens't exist in a vaccuum. Your relationship reflects the lives you've had and the people who have been involved.

If your friends are close family friends then I don't see why DS wouldn't want to invite them. It sounds sad that he doesn't. I invited 3 sets of family friends on my side and 1 set from my DH's side (he has a larger family and fewer family friends). 2 sets came overall and it was lovely to have them there. They were almost as proud of us as our parents and I was so happy they came.

My parents and PILs both contributed the same amount to the wedding, and me and DH paid for the rest. It worked out about a third each. Parents were involved in planning in that we told them lots about what we wanted and they each had little jobs to do to as they wanted to help, but at no point did they request anything. We asked them if they thought it would be nice if we invited XX and YY and they were all really pleased as had been hoping we would!

I would talk to them again. Make no reference to the money you've kindly given them but just say it would mean a lot to you for your close friends who have seen DS grow up to be there and see what they say. I would hope they'd invite them but if they really don't then I think you'll have to let it go.

TL,DR - YANBU to ask and to hope to have them there. YWBU if you ask repeatedly or throw a strop over it (though you sound too nice for that)

My parents offered to pay for a couple (their best friends) to attend my brother's wedding recently as he hadn't invited them.

My brother then felt pressurised into inviting them. My parents are unaware of the fact that all four of their children cannot stand this couple and really would prefer them not to have been there.

YANBU but you do sound like a martyr.
Ring your son and talk to him and for gods sakes stop laying all the blame your daughter in law. Your son is a big boy now and presumably quite capable of discussing the guest list with his fiancé.

OP, I was always taught not to accept things from people I didn't respect and "like". If they don't matter to you then why accept a gift? I didn't really see my bio dad growing up (no issues there, he just didn't have time for me due to his new family and I had a new stepdad so didn't really have a void for him). When I had my first son (also first grandchild on that side) he sent me a card with a large amount of money. I sent it back with a polite note that I didnt need it (I actually did and could have done with it). Because then I would have felt that this (no strings) gift would require me to allow access to my son or me to arrange days out etc. Which I didn't want.

I could never accept money from someone and then not make time for them or include them in such a big life thing as a child (or a wedding in your case).

Any event I have ever had (big birthdays, christenings etc), I have included ALL family members before friends (and my mum is one of 6 children so there are a LOT of cousins. and I'm a step child so I have my bio dads family and my step dads). I then would invite my parents close friends and maybe, after my guest list, some other close family friends like DSs friends. So I agree with others (and yourself) that your money should not buy you entry. But they should already love and respect you enough to WANT you to have friends there. To chat to and also to share your pride. So your son is being unbelievably rude and ungrateful in my view. I am also 30 so not of the older generation (in reply to some people saying its a generation thing). I just always try to include everyone where possible and do nice things for people who do nice things for me.

YABU. A gift shouldn't come with conditions attached.

YANBU in my opinion ... but they are not BU either.

I got married 20 years ago, DH and I paid for 80% of the wedding (got contributions from parents on both sides in cash or in kind for specific things e.g. the cake, the photographs). I would have thought it odd NOT to include parents' old family friends and anyway I wanted them there because they had been part of my life too ... (I did have a standoff w my dad because I didn't want to invite his obnoxious cousin, but I caved because I could see how much it meant to my dad.)

Only you can decide how far you want to push it.

My son and his fiancée are planning their wedding just now - paying themselves and they have automatically added both our long time friends and his fiancee's parent's long time friends. I am very touched that they did this automatically with no discussion.

I don't think (hope it's not) generational. When we got married a couple of years ago in out mid-20s we had aunts/uncles that were there at parents' request to keep the peace rather than because we wanted them and both sets of parents had a few sets of friends invited also. From friends' weddings I'd say there was a similar split. None of the weddings have been massive either, maybe 70ish during the day. It's just good manners.

Yanbu OP and I really hope your DS and his fiancée realise they're being very unfair.

I think there are unrealistic expectations here probably on all sides

I know we're only hearing one side of this, but you sound very fair minded and I really don't think you're being unrealistic. If you were hoping for hordes to be invited that would be another matter entirely, but it's two people for pity's sake

And I'm still wondering how much the B&G are paying towards his themselves ...

When did such selfishness and lack of consideration for others become acceptable?
It's all Me Me Me nowadays, with no thought for basic reason and manners.
I find it utterly bizarre to read some of the attitudes on here, and find is sad that it boils down to who paid for what.
I do understand the argument about having a say if you've paid, but honestly, it sound such a bad footing to start married life and bring two families together.
I think a lot of these problems are caused by the utter focus on the wedding itself, and no thought given to the actual marriage, inlaws and new extended family.
Another sad state of affairs.

We got married 25 years ago - my parents paid for most of it - and I seem to remember there were quite a few dusty old ladies and men hanging around that I vaguely knew from my childhood. Church flower ladies, bell-ringers, parish council members, WI-ers etc. It was quite nice actually as I remember this chorus of characters as the background to my life when I was growing up. The same ones that sent congratulations cards when our first baby was born or who knitted baby cardigans. They are all dead now and every time one of them went I felt sad - generations that were born in the early 20th C, went through one or even two wars, part of the community for decades.

But different generations have different habits and attitudes I guess. This thread has opened my eyes to what an old gimmer I must be!

My parents have suggested some people they’d like to attend and we have said yes because we also like those people. Our guest list and budget are quite tight (but they are contributing a considerable amount of it) so if they’d started dictating large numbers or people we didn’t know, we’d have said no. But tbf my parents eloped for exactly this reason (my DF’s mother wanted to invite lots of extended family etc) so they would definitely not put us in that position!

I'd never heard of this before we got married when DHto be's DM asked what her guest allowance was
Both our parents contributed the same amount and after thinking about it we thought it was fair to let them invite a few friends and asked who they may be thinking of asking. DH's DM mentioned a few couples who we knew anyway and then some neighbours so we allocated them 5 couples and let them choose and my parents didn't ask and were happy with who we had invited that they knew anyway so all worked out.

I think it's a generational thing tbh. It actually was quite nice to have a mix of age groups as DH and I were mid to late 20s so all our friends were aged similarly so with a few older couples plus our aunties/ uncles and DH grandad it was a lovely mix.

I’ve read every message. Just because I haven’t named anyone in person doesn’t mean I haven’t read it and taken it on board.

Cards on the table. Don’t mean to drip feed so I might as well just go for it.

Yes it’s a Scottish castle. They were given a budget by DILs parents. That doesn’t stretch to the 150 guests they wanted because it’s an expensive venue.
We’ve always said we’d contribute but obviously not to the level that DILs parents were because I’d already given them the money for the house. We’re not rich. It was an inheritance.
They won’t specify how much they are expecting from us. DH has just waded in with saying we’ll sit down and cover their shortfall.

We have other DCs that we haven’t helped with houses yet, or weddings. DH likes to be the generous one that everyone is thank ful to. However this is causing jealousy between our DCs. I’m cross about that

Even cutting everything back to 80 leaves it way over. I didn’t know any of this as they haven’t asked us to be involved with planning. My DS asked me some weeks ago who I wanted there and I said it was fine about family but I’d really just like my closest friends there. He said ok, he seemed relieved.

However, they can’t have all their friends now so we can’t have any of ours.
So yes I’m a bit bitter about paying thousands more than we expected to- because DH wants to be generous- whilst being completely shut out and refused the one thing that I asked for when I was asked to say.

Sounds like they have really mismanaged their budget and I can see why you're annoyed. But if they were initially planning to have 150 guests but are now having 80 that is a massive reduction. It seems mad but 80 is actually a small wedding. It means each of them can invite 20 couples. If you knock out 10-15 on family members that's say 15 friends and their partners each, which tbh isn't many. I can see why you're annoyed but if they truly have scaled back that much I think it would be unreasonable for you to expect that you don't have to. Also sounds like your problem is mainly with your DH here.

FWIW OP, I think you are right to feel aggrieved, and I would feel the same.
To much take and not enough give, I think.

I do feel for you OP. I can't believe your husband has pretty much offered them a blank cheque - especially if you are not wealthy and will then feel obligated to give your other kids the same amount of money.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but the whole situation sounds like a nightmare. Maybe the story sounds very different from the bride and grooms point of view but if the castle means they had to cut their guest list in half why on earth didn't they find a cheaper venue?

I'm in my 30's, married for 10 years. My parents contributed to our wedding, my MIL paid for the flowers (I think) and helped mend my wedding dress which was a sample. Husband has a big family so all MILs siblings and a lot of cousins were invited but none of her friends - I didn't think to offer, but she is very close to her sisters and seemed happy at having all her family together. My family is tiny and I invited several close friends of my parents who I had grown up with and who my husband had also grown close to. My parents asked for one couple who were already on the list.

Being honest I might have been a bit grumpy if MIL had asked for another couple to come as I don't know her friends well and a lot of her family (who I also didn't know) were already invited. It's not the same as your situation though and I do think it seems a shame that your friends can't be there.

However, I think the bigger issue is the spiraling cost of the wedding and the fact that your husband hasn't set an upper limit on your contribution. I think you need to have a very firm chat with him and your son about how much you can actually afford to pay. Surely if they want their dream wedding the couple should take some financial responsibility for it? It's not like they're saving for a house deposit!!

If as you say, you're contributing then YANBU

If however you weren't YDDDABU. Presumably if the bride and groom wanted to invite them they would have. It's not your day, it's theirs