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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

480 replies

thedowntontrout · 30/11/2017 23:53

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

OP posts:
peachgreen · 01/12/2017 09:31

I'm really surprised at how many people here think it's reasonable for parents to be able to invite friends to their childrens' weddings. I had nobody at my wedding that I didn't love and see regularly. We wanted it to be a room full of our absolute favourite people in the world so deliberately kept it small (under 30 people). It would have changed the whole dynamic of the day to have had anyone other than our nearest and dearest there. My parents wouldn't have dreamed of insisting we invited someone, and nor would DH's dad - it's not their wedding! We paid for it ourselves apart from my dress with my parents kindly bought but that was a gift, not a bargaining chip to be used to exchange for a spot on the guest list!

We did have a bigger reception (married in DH's home country as his brother can't really travel, reception in mine as that's where all our friends were) and we invited my mum's best friend to that - but I grew up with her so she feels like family, and inviting her was my choice.

Fabellini · 01/12/2017 09:33

This thread has suddenly made me realise I'm "of a different generation". I totally understand where you're coming from OP and I read some of the responses from other people with my mouth falling open.
I distinctly remember when I was getting married (over 27 years ago), my mum and dad asked my dh to get his parents to give them a list of who they'd like to attend our wedding.
My parents had their list, then dh and I had a number left to invite our friends.
I think it was fairly close to what a previous poster said - a third for my parents, a third for dh parents, and a third for us...possibly a little less actually, as we both come from fairly big families.
All our friends and relatives weddings at that time were organised along very similar lines and were definitely more about "the joining together of two families".
I've read lots of threads on here about weddings, but this one has really made me stop and think, about the changing attitudes to family, and parents.
I looked at wedding pictures not that long ago, (dh died last year and I was having a sad moment to myself), and thinking about it now - we have lost touch over the years with nearly all the friends we invited to our wedding, but the family, and the people our parents had invited, are still very much in our lives.
We are, of course, all dinosaurs mind you,

Fabellini · 01/12/2017 09:37

Actually, not only are we dinosaurs, we are Scottish dinosaurs, and I do think that Scottish weddings in general seem quite different to English ones.

burdog · 01/12/2017 09:39

We are inviting about 10 couples of family friends (so approx. 20 people) that are our parents friends and that either me or my fiance have known all our lives. So I didn't accept my parents inviting their friends that they know but I don't. shrug thems the breaks, the guest list is already 80.

Marissa2727 · 01/12/2017 09:40

I think YABU. Just because you helped your child with a deposit on their house does not mean you get to influence their wedding guest list. What other things will you hold this over their heads for? This is their day, whilst they will take other people's wishes into account they may not be able to accommodate them all.
My mum gave me more than what you said you did as a deposit for a house and paid for my wedding. She did not ask to dictate any of the guest list. I did invite some of her friends but only because I knew them well and they had been like family to me since my childhood. I would not have invited friends of hers that I did not know well.
Plus although you want them there " as I’d really like someone I know to share my pride in my son getting married" what about other people you will know there... family etc. You will likely be sitting on the top table anyway whilst they are sitting with strangers probably feeling awkward.
This is their day and wedding planning can be stressful enough as it is without family politics. Don't add to the stress, it is their day let them enjoy the build up to it.
If you still can't let this go for one day...you could offer to pay for them. For my wedding this would have been about £360. Even then though they do not have to say yes if they want only people that they know well there.

ExConstance · 01/12/2017 09:44

To me our wedding was about welcoming each other to the family, friends of family and other people who we held as important. For us that was most of our relations, a number of each other's friends (we met on holiday and hadn't actually met many of each other's friends and colleagues when we were planning the wedding) There were also a few important people on each side of the family that we wanted to include, such as a friend of a friend of my father's who had taught me to drive. DH and his mother and brother and my parents and I were involved in putting it all together, no squabbles or discord at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/12/2017 09:46

Questions to all those, who think op shouldn’t have a say:

Who is op supposed to socialise with the whole day and evening?

Do you think it’s more important to invite all your friends and for your parents to feel awkward at their own child’s wedding because they’re the only oldies there?

There will be literally no one else of their age and no extended family to be with. And who’s to say there will be a top table.

ILoveDolly · 01/12/2017 09:57

We kind of divided our numbers first, then consulted each pArent on the list for their side, and had a section of the guest list just for our friends. Ended up with both parents having some friends (those 'aunties' who are really old school friends etc) and the family plus we had ours. Made a nice mixture plus people meeting from our different lives, friends meeting cousins, uncles meeting school friends. Nice.

friendlycat · 01/12/2017 09:58

I think it is not unreasonable at all that you want your two closest friends to attend and that is all that you have asked of the guest list. I also think it is rather selfish and thoughtless of the couple to accept the house deposit and contribution towards the wedding and then not accommodate your very acceptable wishes of 2 guests.
My parents gave me a deposit for my first property and I was eternally grateful to them. I don't think that money equates to "power" over a situation, but general manners and thought go a long way in harmonious family relationships.
I would be very upset too, BUT I also think you need to take care in letting this go if your Son and his bride to be do not offer up the additional two guest invites as you don't want to sour your future relationship with them. (Even if it means you are very disappointed yourself which I fully understand.)

diddl · 01/12/2017 09:58

So how many nights will people be staying if they attend?

200 miles travel & having to stay over is a wedding I probably wouldn't attent tbh-they might not get as many accepting as they think.

But to the question- I don't think that parents should have an input in guests, but this couple sound very self centred.

Accepting money left, right & centre, but not considering others feelings at all.

Ifitquackslikeaduck · 01/12/2017 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 10:01

I wish there was a like Button Fabellini you have made me smile.

I appreciate the reasonable replies on both sides of the argument.
Some posters sound like rude, highly entitled nightmares and I’m glad I’m not dealing with them in real life. Although it has given me insight into how the bride is looking at it.

I already do the free childcare for them as someone suggested would be coming. I don’t see it like that, I adore having my grandchild.

I expect there’s more to come- I think we will be bumped off the top table next.

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 01/12/2017 10:04

I don't think your request was unreasonable at all OP.

I got married 5 years ago - my mum asked if 4 family friends could come, of course they could. Mum had given us considerable amount towards the wedding and it was clearly important to her.

What I did not feel was reasonable was her later kicking off because I said my cousins were unlikely to be invited (I have 36) and she said she was hurt and sad because she wouldn't know anyone... (clearly forgot her immediate family and 4 close friends) THAT felt like wanting everyone to have tickets to the show.

Speak to your son. Although is the damage done?

Iprefercoffeetotea · 01/12/2017 10:07

I'm really surprised at how many people here think it's reasonable for parents to be able to invite friends to their childrens' weddings

I think it's reasonable if they are family friends and parents are contributing to the cost of the wedding.

But I ended up having to have people at my wedding who I really didn't want there, but my mum said her life would have been made miserable if they were not invited, and DH had to have some family friends too who he didn't like very much. We had about 60 people at our wedding and I'd say about 15 people were friends of parents rather than our friends. I didn't mind most of them and might have invited them anyway as they had been a feature of my life but there were other people who I really did only invite because it was "expected" and easier to keep the peace.

sahknowme · 01/12/2017 10:11

We were having a wedding for around 100 people, and my dad wanted to invite 90 people. The explanation was that most of them wouldn't turn up, but there was no way I was allowing that.

4forksake · 01/12/2017 10:17

Every wedding I've been to (with the exception of 2 which I can't comment on as I didn't know the family that well) have had friends of the parents as guests. Granted on each occasion the DS/DD getting married have been brought up with these friends so have treat them like aunts & uncles.

diddl · 01/12/2017 10:18

So, house deposit, money for wedding-are they paying anything?-free childcare!

Do they take any responsibility??

They know that having these friends would mean a lot to you, but won't do it?

Hurtful!

peachgreen · 01/12/2017 10:19

Some posters sound like rude, highly entitled nightmares and I’m glad I’m not dealing with them in real life. Although it has given me insight into how the bride is looking at it.

I'm getting the impression you're not very fond of your son's fiancee, OP, and I suspect that might be part of the problem. (Are you my mum? In which case, fair enough, she's the worst. Grin)

Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 10:19

Obviously DS knows our friends much better than DIL. But they have both been invited to our friends home for one thing or another numerous times and are friendly with their daughters. They are not people they don’t know.
Maybe DIL doesn’t like them. Fair enough.

Maybe they shouldn’t be having a wedding that they can’t afford and feel resentful that all their 100 plus closest friends won’t be able to attend.

Maybe I’m feeling bitter about this because it’s the final straw and I’m feeling like a mug.

OP posts:
Original poster
thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 10:20

Peachgreen am I your mum? 😂. Mums eh? We’re a nightmare 😉

OP posts:
Marissa2727 · 01/12/2017 10:23

"Some posters sound like rude, highly entitled nightmares and I’m glad I’m not dealing with them in real life. Although it has given me insight into how the bride is looking at it."

Wow. I love how anyone who disagrees with you are dismissed as entitled nightmares. Feel sorry for your DIL.

peachgreen · 01/12/2017 10:23

I mean that my brother's fiancee is a nightmare, not my mum! My mum was delightful in every respect when it came to my wedding.

harrietm87 · 01/12/2017 10:28

OP why are you blaming the bride? It sounds like all the relevant conversations have happened with your son - has he said it's her decision? If not, it's them jointly. It sounds like he is the one to have mismanaged things if he gave you the impression they were coming and now it transpires that they're not.

Sounds like the main issue is that you've now got an embarrassing situation where you effectively have to uninvite your friends - how did that happen? Is it your fault or your son's? If he has backtracked then I think you need to have a word. If you just presumed then YABU.

It wouldn't even have crossed my mind to ask my parents/PILs if they wanted to invite friends to our wedding (we paid ourselves but I don't think that's relevant- presumably your gifts didn't come with strings attached?). You are an adult. Your husband and children will be there, as will your inlaws - it's a good opportunity to get to know them better. Whilst it might be nice to have friends there, it's not like you won't know anyone or need a babysitter? Wouldn't you rather your son was able to invite all of his friends than having him leave some people that he wanted there out so you can have yours? If numbers aren't limited then it's a different story, but you've said your son has said they are.

Bitchywaitress · 01/12/2017 10:30

YANBU OP. I think it's very rude that they haven't consulted you both. The wedding day is not just about the bride and groom. For example our wedding day was my DSM big day as well. She had no daughters and came into our lives late so she never thought she would be a Mother of the Bride. We asked her to write her own list. I also asked my Dad who he really wanted to be there.

4forksake · 01/12/2017 10:32

By the sounds of it, they'll probably have you down for babysitting duties for your DGC for the evening do so chances are you won't get to socialise with your friends anyway

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