Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

[thedowntontrout]

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

I don’t think YABU. We paid for our wedding and my DM invited 14 people (friends not family). I would have minded so much except the ceremony room only seated 70 and we ended up with 82!

I don't know.

MIL invited 4 extra guests to our wedding without asking. 3 of them just the day before. Doesn't sound like much, but when the previous guest list was only 20 it's quite a big percentage.

It annoyed me for ages.

She didn't contribute any money (was a very cheap do anyway).

I think you are not being unreasonable, OP.

Sit down with your ds and dil and tell them that your friends will make you feel comfortable as you don't know the other people as well. If you're even offering to pay for them, I'm sure your ds will understand. It probably just hasn't occurred to them why this couple should be invited.

You've paid the deposit on their house.
You've given some money towards their wedding.

And people are debating whether you can invite 2 guests?!

I agree. It does all seem a bit all take and no give me

Not sure where that me came from

But it sounds like there is a limit to how many people they can invite - that means they’re already having to choose between friends and possibly family. Why should your friends - who they may not even like! - take precedence? And why are you so worried about going to an event which will already have quite a few of your family members there without your friends? It sounds a bit weird and co-dependent to me.

I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my parents who they would like to bring to my wedding! However, I also didn't invite my parents, exactly because all this type of crap would have started. I'm an introvert and didn't want my day ruined having loads of people around adding to the stress, particularly people I didn't know well or didn't particularly know well. Eloping is a great way to circumvent this rubbish.

If you read the OP she said that her extended family weren't going (only 2 DD's, parents of DH) & she's happy with that arrangement. I don't think it's too much to ask for 2 close friends to attend. Have they been friends for years (& therefore possibly like an aunty & Uncle to your DS? Is your DIL inviting her aunty, uncles, cousins etc? If so, I think it's very unreasonable not to allow you to ask your friends (kind of in lieu of extended family), especially if you've offered to pay. Have the bride & groom not been able to invite all their friends due to numbers - that's the only reason I could say they weren't being unreasonable. If they've managed to invite all their friends & the venues big enough (you said it was) & providing they get on with the couple concerned, I can't see the problem.

Okay, from my point of view, you cannot give a gift with terms and conditions. I don't give a rats arse who is paying for the wedding, the whole point of the wedding is to celebrate the couple making a commitment to each other. Because it is them doing the deed, they should get to say who bares witness to this. Why should they do something personal in front of people they don't like/know/want there?
I assume the money was offered because you wanted them to have a nice wedding? You wanted to help? If they have said no to your friends coming them that is that. Pushing the matter or arguing will drive a wedge between you and your son & DIL.
Also, some people consider their friends to be family and therefore are closer to them than extended family (aunts, uncles etc).

For me this is just weird. I'd never even considered it. Where does it stop, do people want to invite their 'best friend' to other friends' weddings? What if it was a cousin's wedding? I've never heard of anyone getting more than a +1. And the nice way to give gifts, is out of kindness and with no expectation. How many favours do you think you're owed for lending them £30k for a deposit?

* Obviously you think my expectations are too high wanting our two best friends to share the joy of my sons wedding.*

I don't think your expectations are 'too high' and that DS and DIL have somehow under delivered, your expectations are just plain weird.

With out a doubt yes they should be able to invite some friends of theirs. We actually forgot but thankfully remembered to leave space for some of their friends. They were quite chuffed as we paid for our wedding but that wasn't the point it's just polite.

Yanbu op.

DH and I and another couple recently went to the wedding of the son of our closest friends. The bride's parents also had a few friends there. It meant so much for them to share the celebrations with important people in their lives (ie. us) who have known their son from birth. We probably spent more time with them as a family than many of their own family members.

I think your "conditions" are very modest and so once again, yaDnbu.

There is no evening do as the wedding is 200 miles from where any of us live, including bride and groom. The guests are having to spend 2 days away to be able to attend.

It sounds a bit rubbish for the guests all round tbh, not just for you op. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people decline. Is the venue particularly special to them?

I think this is hugely disrespectful of your DS and his soon to be DW. I don’t think who paid for What should come into it. I think the fact you raised him and brought him up and gave him the opportunity to get married should be respected and a parent asking for two friends at their child’s wedding is not unreasonable at all. I feel very sorry for you.

When I got married my parents and PIL contributed very little, but that was fine and appreciated. My parents had 6 friends there and my PIL had 4. I couldn’t invite all of our friends, but our parents best friends came before our less close friends because of what they means to our parents and the fact we had known them growing up.

I think you should tell your DS how you feel. Hopefully he’s been caught up in all the excitement and planning and hasn’t stopped to think about how this is affecting you. I’d be mortified having to uninvite my friends as you will have to if they don’t change their minds.

Scottish Castle?

How well do you get on with the bride? What would her ‘version’ of the story be?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all actually. I’m not at that stage yet, but we have close friends (known since school, she was my bridesmaid, he was DH’s best man, kids are friends, we’ve holidayed together etc) if they weren’t invited to the DC’s wedding then I would be v hurt. Can you offer to cover the cost of two more meals?

I was lucky - my parent paid for my wedding.
We were strict on numbers but we gave our parents 2 all day invitations each, and unlimited evening invites. That includes for the parent who paid.

It was our wedding but it felt like their day too. Maybe because, for both sides, this was the first child to marry it made it easier.

These are old family friends though, not just a couple from the Legion that the B&G have never met.

Liney sounds like it might be. So everyone travels up the day before, watches the ceremony, hopefully get fed, then go home again. I don't think they're considering their guests at all.

You are not being at all unreasonable. Irrespective of any money, given you have such a small family, why on earth would they not want you to have your best friends there?

I paid for my daughter's wedding. I was not asked about suggestions for the guest list and had no input into it. I didn't pay for my son's wedding, although I offered a contribution, and had no input into the guest list.

I wouldn't have expected on either occasion, to have my friends there, b cause the bride and groom wouldn't know them in the way I do.

YABU. If you pay for things for your child, it doesn't mean your child owes you anything. It is not your wedding, it is your child's wedding. Yes, they are lucky to have generous parents but your children don't owe you anything, ever.

I think YABU. Im slightly older than you so it isn't a generation thing. I just dont understand why you would expect 'your friends' to go to your sons wedding. Theyre not his friends and they've sacrificed places for their own friends already.

Surely you will be sat on the top table away from your friends anyway. Venues often have maximum numbers. It's perfectly possible that there isn't room for anyone else rather than just the cost being an issue.

I have several children in their 20s and although not yet married I really wouldn't ever consider making my own demands for their weddings. My own mother was a nightmare about my wedding (and I will never forgive her for it) and she tried to justify it on the basis she paid towards it so she felt it right that she have a say.

She also lent me money for a new car but she didnt feel the need to demand a particular make, colour or model which is why I find it so odd that paying towards a wedding seems to make everyone feel 'they've paid towards it therefore they deserve a say'.

I think there's a mismatch here in what people expect a wedding to represent. There's those for whom a wedding it entirely about the B and G and what they want. And there's those for whom a wedding is also about the B and G parents, who have done their best, hopefully, to raise, provide for and love the B and G, and without whom the B and G might never have reached this happy day, a life milestone. Unless the relationship with the parents is dysfunctional / abusive / neglectful, I think it's not on to ignore a small request about two guests after a lifetime of care.