Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

[thedowntontrout]

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

I think it's very sad. Both my parents had died before we got married but some of their oldest friends who I'd known all my life were near the top of my guest list. Thinking about my friends' adult children now, there are three we'd love - but wouldn't expect - to see married.

When I got married my parents (who did contribute to the wedding) had no interest in the guest list. Didn't ask to see it. But it was a small wedding (under 30) in laws did ask to see guest list and we provided them with it. Rather than asking if they could have some of their long lost friends there and distant relations DH has never met they took it upon themselves to invite them and book them accommodation without telling us. They didn't believe my large extended family was not attending and they decided not to come to the wedding because "they wouldn't know anyone" (other than DH, I and my parents apparently that wasn't enough.)

whn my dsis got married 10 years ago our parents paid th whole thing 40k, but also insisted they chose af the guests

alot of rows insued although some that were invitd we hadnt seen for years an it was more like showing off on my df's part

agreed in the end- i do think you should be able to invite 2 peopl though your son sounds selfish

So I RTFT. Massive drip feed, OP.

In the circumstances, I can see why you're upset and angry. You need to have a proper conversation with your son, his fiancee and your husband. The blank cheque to cover the shortfall is not okay. Being told your friends would be invited and then finding that they aren't is not okay. There's a lot in this situation that isn't okay, but your OP made none of that clear.

I find it utterly bizarre that couple a couple set up home, have children and then go on to want a big fancy wedding which is all about 'the day' and an idyllic 'honeymoon' somewhere exotic

Oh, the relief that it's not just me!!

It's obviously not my place to dictate others' choices, but I do sometimes wonder if what you describe is a substitute for the excitement which used to be provided by starting your life together. I'm absolutely not suggesting a return to those days - it wouldn't be possible anyway - but maybe this has an effect?

I find it interesting the way a lot of the people arguing that parents should get a say in the guest list, and get to invite their friends, clearly see a child's wedding as the cumulation of their upbringing- as if the parents are launching the child out on the world

No. And I don't think it's a case of launching a child out into the world or having a say in the guest list. But when the bride has holidayed for 30 years with a particular family and almost grown up with them, to not even ask the Mum and Dad of that family to the wedding is pretty mean.

I'm not saying the OP has holidayed every year with the uninvited guests in her post, but I am likening it to some of our friends in this scenario

to not even ask the Mum and Dad of that family to the wedding is pretty mean.

Especially when they appear to be asking everyone they know from down the pub and at the office, referring to them as 'close friends.'

I agree completely with FitBit, Roussette, and everyone else who thinks the OP is NBU in the slightest.

Planning a lavish wedding in a Scottish castle, running out of money (which in any case is being stumped up by the bride's parents) and then throwing a hissy fit because you can't invite 100 of your 'closest friends' is bad enough. Proceeding to tell the groom's parents that two - two! - of their oldest and dearest family friends therefore have to be uninvited is breathtakingly crass.

But I'm afraid, OP, I think you also have a DH problem, as they say. WTF was he thinking, to offer to underwrite the shortfall without even knowing how much it might be? And without consulting you? That's not on, at any level.

I would say that you can invite who the hell you like to your own wedding, and choose any poncey venue you want too, AS LONG AS YOU'RE FUNDING IT YOURSELF and not expecting your parents/ILs to stump up the cash, and then jump up and down about the "cheek" of them wanting to invite one or two of their own long-standing family friends.

Exactly Fitbit totally agree. Do what you want if you're paying for it. But a B&G can't have it all ways. Expect parents to shell out eye watering amounts of money and have hundreds at the wedding but then not allow an extra two.

This is what happened with my neice's wedding. 250 there. All paid for by parents and yet her first cousin's partner (not married but very together) was not invited. Yet there were people at the wedding I chatted to who even said themselves 'I have NO idea why I was asked to this wedding, we haven't had contact for ten years'.

There were people at this wedding who had worked with the bride years ago and lost contact, and yet a close family member was not invited.

Well, I think the happy couple are being very mean. It's obvious you'll want people to sit and chat with. And you've been really generous to them, which isn't insignificant.

I think they should invite your friends with good grace and do it without question, but if they're not going to do that I would actually say "Listen, I've been really good to you. You wouldn't have been able to buy your house without me and all I'm fucking well asking for is that my friends, who you know well, are invited to this fucking wedding so that we have someone to chat to.

Couples can invite whoever they want to their wedding, regardless of who is bankrolling it. They don't have to be pricks about it though.

"Ah. So this is the real problem. Your assumption has led to an embarrassing situation for you, which isn't really the B&G's fault." Yes I agree

"I'd be interested to hear your son's take on it and your husbands reasons for thinking you're BU." Me too - op has been asked by several posters if these friends are actually liked by son and bride and has not answered this.

I'm the same age roughly as op (mid 40's) at my wedding 20-odd years ago (which myself and groom paid for - but personally I don't think that's relevant), we invited now ex-mil's best friend to the wedding as a courtesy, she was a flipping nightmare! Rude, bigoted and when I went to what was to be my home following the wedding to change out of wedding dress asked "what are YOU doing here?" In a 'how dare you' tone (she and other guests were sleeping in the house as they were hundreds of miles from home but despite being EXTREMELY wealthy wouldn't stump up for a b&b even).

My mother (who is generally an "oil on troubled waters type") had to be reined in by my father - usually a troublemaker - because she wanted us to invite distant relatives I'd never even met!!

People go bonkers about weddings. No they're not just the b&g day BUT it's certainly not the in-laws day either.

Op you've already asked your son, he's given his reasons, which I suspect are polite ways of saying he can't stand them! Or they've offended him in some way that you're unaware of.

You should not have assumed they'd be invited that's a huge faux pas for any event where the invitation isn't yours to give.

"He said ok, he seemed relieved." How on EARTH did you get from that the friends would definitely be invited??

And I also agree you keep contradicting yourself - if the money wasn't an issue why even mention it?

Ah - because it IS an issue but not really related to the friends thing.

Your husband offering them a "blank cheque", them planning poorly and starting with what they want THEN trying to figure out how to pay for it...

Sounds like piss poor communication all round! And 2 people (b&g) who haven't been taught the value of things, so you're kinda reaping what you've sown there.

Sounds like a meeting (you, dh, bride, groom, brides parents) need to sit down and have a proper sensible discussion about the finances.

Sorry to say this but your son and STBDIL are freeloading piss takers, and you've been taken for a ride big time.

-You have given them £30k for a house
-They'll have had between £10k and £20k by her parents for this Scottish castle wedding for 70 with expensive choices - bet her dress is at least a grand!
-You provide free childcare for them saving 1-2k a month depending on area and hours
-And you've just written a blank cheque as all of the above isn't enough!

To top things off you have 2 other DC - how are you going to be fair to each of them with your time, money and generosity when your son has had so much from you?

I agree that the B&G perhaps don't like OP's friends and I think they get the final say whether or not OP has paid for some or even all of the wedding. There are certain people I wouldn't and didn't let come to my wedding and the fact that my parents paid for most of it was irrelevant. It was my and DH's party not theirs..

the fact that my parents paid for most of it was irrelevant

Yep, and there it is again. Entitled, spoilt and grabby. Of course it's not fucking "irrelevant!"

He said ok, he seemed relieved." How on EARTH did you get from that the friends would definitely be invited??

Perhaps from the "OK" part?

It was my and DH's party not theirs..
Party? Your wedding? Really? I despair.

"Ok" is pretty vague, I can see the son describing that as being "ok I hear what you are saying and what you'd like" not "ok that's definitely what's happening"

Yep, and there it is again. Entitled, spoilt and grabby. Of course it's not fucking "irrelevant!"

Not sure why fuck you think I was "entitled and grabby". My parents were the ones who wanted me to have a big wedding and as a consequence they paid for the place we had it in and the food. DH and I would have been quite happy to have the wedding somewhere smaller and were happy to pay for it. In fact I had to threaten to do that to get them to back off in the end.

It was my and DH's party not theirs..
Party? Your wedding? Really? I despair

The wedding reception is a party.

I do think there has been a cultural shift from the notion of a wedding being an event which brings two people together as a new family, supported by a community of family and friends who are seen as an important part of the event to essentially a big party where the bride and groom get to indulge in being the center of attention to the exclusion of all other considerations.

Just another example of the excesses of an increasingly "me first" society.

Just another example of the excesses of an increasingly "me first" society.

Or an example of the fact that bride and grooms are generally much older than they were 40 years ago and would have been independent for many years and often have their own family, friends and community which may be different to their parents.

My mother's attitude was "We're paying for it, so we'll invite who we want" so I ended up with loads of guests I didn't know.

My DD is getting married next year and I've told them to invite who they want as it's their wedding, not mine.

I agree Seneca, and I bloody love weddings - including the flashy sort.

I also think it sad that people think aunties and uncles etc aren't important, just because they don't see them often. Obviously there are toxic relatives who you understandably wouldn't want to invite, and this is sad in itself, but I don't think it's the norm to have an entire family tier who are toxic.