Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

[thedowntontrout]

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

Or an example of the fact that bride and grooms are generally much older than they were 40 years ago and would have been independent for many years and often have their own family, friends and community which may be different to their parents

In which case they are in a position to fund their own choices and their parent's money isn't needed.

I think part of the problem is that people get focused on the venue first when they should probably get a handle on the budget and desired guest list first. DH and I have 7 siblings between us and many aunts uncles and cousins. As much as we might have wanted to pretend we were Mary Queen of Scots and Lord Darnley and get married in a Scottish castle we had to find a venue that met our budget that could accommodate all of our family. Luckily we did not have 100 close friends so we were also able to invite friends as well.

In which case they are in a position to fund their own choices and their parent's money isn't needed.

Yes, but the parents themselves may want their children to have a big wedding and may want to contribute a lot in order for that to happen. I'm not saying that is OP's situation but it certainly was mine and I'm sure is often the case for other people.

Yup, guest list first (whether that's twelve or two hundred), then work out which venues you can afford.

I'm sure there are people who can quote unreasonable relatives hogging the show at weddings they've been involved in, but let's not let that derail the main principles at stake here.

I like to refer to debretts when it come to these sorts of questions, the old ways have often become customary for good reason. Their words on the matter below.

Sorry that was rubbish quality

Another take on the same issues, also agreeing with you op

It says that people should consult with their parents unless they have no interest in making anyone else happy (I think this should generally be the case whether or not people are paying) but I think that is different to saying that parents should be able to "expect" to invite guest if the bride/groom don't want them there.

I do laugh at those that think it's OK for the parents to bankroll some mahoosive wedding but don't you dare mention bringing your best friends who've known me all my life! If that happens and I'm in that position, my child can pay for the bloomin' thing themselves!

Depends what ‘don’t want them there’ means, are we talking dad’s foul mouthed, racist golfing friend or someone the bride and groom would just rather skip over in favour of their own friends ? Obviously if the thought of having someone at your wedding is absolutely abhorrent then that conversation needs to be had but then the parents should be able to choose an alternate guest as replacement.

My parents generation had a very different experience, their parents funded the wedding chose the guests and sent out invites and the bride and groom were given an allowance of a few guests, then it became more typical for the bride and groom to pay more towards the wedding themselves (particularly as couples were often marrying older and had already left home before marriage) and so they became more dominant in the planning process with parents taking more of a side line. Now we have a slightly unpleasant attitude emerging of ‘its our day, so it’s our way’ from couples. This often overlooks that traditionally weddings were family style celebrations (which also marked the bride leaving home) thrown by the parents, however these “our way” couples also often expect mum and dad to pick up a significant chunk of the tab. They can’t have it both ways. If you want the tradition of mum and dads financial contribution you also need to respect their wishes in the planning process.

I do laugh at those that think it's OK for the parents to bankroll some mahoosive wedding but don't you dare mention bringing your best friends who've known me all my life! If that happens and I'm in that position, my child can pay for the bloomin' thing themselves!

They might not like the parents friend and/or they might have been quite happy to have a smaller wedding and pay for themselves rather than have unwelcome guest though. I just think that you can't offer a gift and then "expect" anything in return unless this was agreed at the point of giving the gift.. This would have to be agreed on in advance. I do think it nice to consult parents with regard to guests (whether or not they have contributed) though.

Phalenopsisgirl Agree. My wedding decades ago was of the part that my DPs paid for it all and allocated me and DH a number of guests to ask and I resented that.

However, I think the pendulum has swung the other way now. It's all 'me me me' with no thought whatsoever of parents and bringing together of families, and siblings. Let's just have a huge expensive wedding and we'll ask exactly who we want and no there's not room for one other couple that are your best friends.

It's not about expecting anything in return, or maybe it is who knows. But I'm buggered if I'd be shelling out £30,000 on a DC's wedding and not being able to ask a couple who have been very involved with them since they were born (holidays together for about 30 years type of thing). I would however say up front and if one of my DCs was selfish enough to say errrrr no you can't ask anyone, they can pay for it themselves! Me and my adult DCs aren't backwards in coming forwards, we're always discussing things and this would be talked about from day one.

It would then be their choice as to whether they save up for their own wedding, how big the venue will be, what exactly they want. You can't have it all ways in life. i.e. pay for everything for my 250 guest wedding but BTW there's not enough room for anyone you might want.

I wouldn't allow my parents or my OH parents to invite people to my wedding. We have paid for the majority of our wedding next year ourselves. My parents have paid for the ceremony and my dress. We have paid for everything else. The numbers are a bit uneven in that I have a large family. I have invited my parents, siblings/partners and kids and 2 friends/partners. My Oh has invited his parents, brother/partner 2 uncles and his Aunt and grandmother. 4 friends/partners. I haven't been able to invite any of my aunts/uncles/cousins to the day only to the evening. We haven't invited work colleagues or our wider circle of friends as we just can't afford to. I know my Mil to be is annoyed as she wanted some of her friends and neighbours invited but we can't accommodate that. I will be honest I wasn't very sympathetic to her request. My answer was I can't even have all my family and friends so I'm not going to have your friends there sorry

happymum that's an entirely different set of circumstances though isn't it? You've decided on a small wedding and invited 6 friend couples. You already have your own family. Your folks are not shelling out for a flashy castle do for 100 of your close friends

@CharlieSierra I must have missed the bit about a castle and 100 friends. It doesn't really change the fact that parents don't automatically get the right to request their friends.

I got annoyed at my mum when she tried to invite one of her brothers. We paid for our wedding entirely ourselves, and I had invited most of mum's siblings, but this brother wouldn't know who I was if he bumped into me in the street. I felt quite territorial over it really. It was my wedding, the day to start off my marriage and I didn't want it getting all political and complicated and people being invited out of politeness. So I said no. I didn't invite a few others for similar reasons and don't regret my decision. If someone had paid a massive wadge of cash into our wedding then I dare say they could have an opinion, but I would be the kind to decline cash if it came with stipulations and have a smaller wedding exactly as I wanted it, ie. not complicated/political in the slightest.

I am quite shocked by the attitude of entitlement from some people on this thread, weddings seem to make people really selfish - expecting someone else to foot the bill yet inisisting on having the wedding they want - fine if you want to do that then save up and pay for it yourself.

At my wedding years ago my parents invited a few family friends and I think I only had two or three of my old school friends there, together with their parents because we had all grown up knowing each other - and 35+ years later all those family friends are still part of my life if they are still alive - much more than a fleeting friendship from someone I might have met at work.

I have a DS and hope to goodness he doesn't want a big, expensive wedding.

nhs totally get what you say and definitely your prerogative for that.

It's the wanting your cake and eating it that does my head in. (not you nhs!)

Not forgetting that many parents don’t just have thousands sat in the bank, it’s likely paying for this party will mean they go without their holiday that year or forgoing home imrovements they had been saving towards. To then deny them having someone they actually know and like to talk to at said party is completely thoughless.

It doesn't really change the fact that parents don't automatically get the right to request their friends

Actually they have the right to request whatever they like - just not to have all their requests granted. However I think if they are picking up the bills it's reasonable to consider their feelings, and this was a very small ask.

I invited family almost exclusively and had friends as bridesmaids/ushers. 3 decades later I’m not in touch with any of the friends (not from fall out but from several moves).

OP is this your weeding your talking about or someone else's? X

OP is this your wedding your talking about or someone else's?

Or, one could ask: "OP, is this your wedding you're paying for, or someone else's?"