Page 17 | Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

thedowntontrout · 2017-11-30T23:53:33+00:00

At all? I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins. Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

Namechange90 · 02/12/2017 19:11

@FitBitFanClub

What is wrong with my question? If it's someone else's wedding why would she be paying for it? If it's hers then the MiL has no say in who gets invited. Simple as!

ReinettePompadour · 02/12/2017 19:18

Namechange90 she is the mother/in law. Its her sons wedding.

Namechange90 · 02/12/2017 19:37

@ReinettePompadour
Least someone's cleared that up. I've not seen where it states she's the payee and it's her sons wedding. But my answer is still why should they invite their friends. Regardless of them paying towards it the guest list should be that of the bride and groom. My mum paid for most of my wedding as father not around and she never invited one of her friends. So my answer OP is no. You shouldn't be inviting your friends to your sons wedding. Sorry

Abra1d · 02/12/2017 19:41

my parents asked some friends because that’s how we grew up—friends of our parents took an interest in their children’s lives. It was the way it was done where I grew up. Our lives were more community based, less isolated.

Movablefeast · 02/12/2017 20:48

I think it's sad that common sense and reasonableness cannot prevail. Unless you have an appalling relationship with your mum and dad they have done a half-decent job of raising you and when parents and PILs are footing the vast majority of the bill it seems only common courtesy that reasonable requests they make be taken into account. My parents best friends were much more involved in my life from a young child than many aunts and uncles, I assumed from the off they would be invited. I don't like how this (hopefully) once in a lifetime event has become all about satisfying the egos of the bride and groom with a lack of consideration for the people that almost certainly made many sacrifices raising them.

We paid for our wedding ourselves in our 20s and still invited our parents friends!

Christmascardqueen · 02/12/2017 20:55

Namechange you really need to read the whole post.

Lashalicious · 02/12/2017 23:26

Only six family members of your son’s that are invited? Then I don’t see any problem with inviting your dear friends as you are the mother of the groom! I can’t imagine what reason the bride could have to not want to do this. I would normally side totally w the bride since she is the bride and plus I have terrible relationship w my in laws, but in this situation it would be cold hearted to not invite your dear friends as long as she knows you’d like them to be invited. Does she know?

Roussette · 03/12/2017 00:09

moveable at least someone speaks sense! Yes.

namechange you pay for your DSs wedding and you cant even ask one friend?!
Weird

Halfdrankbrew · 03/12/2017 00:12

I think parent's having a few guests is fine so long as they have contributed to the cost, the bride and groom know the guests well and there's room without bumping the bride or groom's friends off the guest list. No matter what anyone says, it's their day not the parent's day.

My in-laws contributed to our wedding, as did we and my parents. My mil invited about 20 people, of which 10 I had never met in my entire life. Granted they were only invited to the night time but I found it rather odd some total randoms coming up to me. I wanted to say who the hell are you? I wasn't aiming to make new friends on my wedding day. I never felt I could say anything about the randoms at the time as my in laws had contributed.

They got away with other ridiculous things too due to their contribution (which was the same as my parent's contribution), but that's a whole other thread. My mil wrote to me about 6 months after our wedding to point out she'd paid towards our wedding and so I needed to let her see our daughter . We don't really talk anymore, the wedding was the start of the problems. I wish we'd eloped.

disneydatknee · 03/12/2017 00:23

My parents paid a large chunk of our wedding budget so I let them have some say in our guest list. We had all my dads cousins attend, whom I’ve only ever met a handful of times in my life. But with my parents, at their age, family only get together now for weddings or funerals so I was happy to have them there. If I had paid entirely for my wedding however I probably wouldn’t have invited them. I think it’s a bit rude to take parents money and then not include them in the wedding planning.

Roussette · 03/12/2017 00:24

Blimey I don't feel like paying one penny towards my DCs weddings given the opinions on here!
Luckily I know they're not selfish enough to expect me to pay anything without asking who I may like to inivite.

Bitlost · 03/12/2017 06:52

Your son and future DIL seem very self centred.

It would never have occurred to me not to invite my parents' friends. And my parents have lots of friends -- which I'm grateful for as I live abroad. So not only did we invite them but I also enjoyed spending time in their company on the day.

Weddings are the work of the devil and bring out the worse in people. I absolutely hate it when people say it's "their day" - this is such a childish attitude.

Sorry - no advice to offer though!

MsHarry · 03/12/2017 10:00

Depends. If marrying from the parental home and they are paying then yes but if you're already living away and paying the majority then I would say parents should be consulted and able to invite a few personal friends.

harrietm87 · 03/12/2017 10:22

roussette this is a genuine question - do you think that your friends should have priority over your dc's friends at your dc's wedding (whether you've contributed or not)?

I do agree that it sounds like this couple have behaved badly, but I'm really surprised at the general attitude that parents would expect to have a say re the guest list. It used to be that way in the past when couples were getting married from the family home, hadn't lived together before marriage and were young, but that is hardly ever the case these days.

In all the examples pps have used of close family friends who have holidayed together etc, if they really were that close to the bride/groom then surely the b/g would want them there and invite them of their own accord. If the b/g wouldn't otherwise invite them then why should the parents have the right to insist?

derxa · 03/12/2017 10:42

Much of the so-called "modern" approach to weddings these days seems to involve outright selfishness Yes

SandyY2K · 03/12/2017 10:48

I don't think it's unreasonable regardless of who is paying. My parents paid for the wedding breakfast, but we gave my parents and inlaws an equal guest allowance..can't remember how many now.

SandyY2K · 03/12/2017 10:50

Much of the so-called "modern" approach to weddings these days seems to involve outright selfishness

I agree with this.

Too many bridezillas being controlling.

Roomster101 · 03/12/2017 10:51

I still don't agree that there is a link between parents paying or contributing and their getting the final word on guests. Yes, their opinions should be considered but that should be the case whether or not they are contributing (unless the relationship between child/parent is very poor). I feel quite strongly about this because my mother felt that she should be able to invite everybody she wanted because my parents made a big contribution and it caused big arguments (to the point where I threatened I was going to cancel and organise a different smaller wedding). I was actually happy to have all family and friends of hers that I had known since childhood but not people I wouldn't recognise in a line up (although she would argue that I knew them well). I wouldn't have people I didn't like there either (if there was anyone) whether or not I had holidayed with them as a child. Ultimately I think the bride/groom have the final say unless it was agreed otherwise when parents offered the money,.

CountFosco · 03/12/2017 10:52

Actually, not only are we dinosaurs, we are Scottish dinosaurs, and I do think that Scottish weddings in general seem quite different to English ones.

Another Scottish dinosaur here (older than the OP but married in the late 90s). When we got married the guest list was split 1/3 each for my parents, DH's parents and us. It was paid for by my parents and us, no contribution from the ILs. Mum told us she wasn't allowed any guests when she got married, it was all friends of my grandparents but she understood that because we were older and had lived away from home for over a decade we wanted our friends there. MIL (from a different culture) invited cousins who live overseas who we'd never met, we knew they wouldn't come and encouraged her to invite family friends who had actually seen DH grow up in addition to the courtesy invites to overseas relatives.

I think what seems to be overlooked her is that the OP is 40. That means her son is either a teenager or in his early 20s. Since the B&G are very young and have had a large contribution to their house already gifted AND are now getting a lavish wedding paid for I wonder if they haven't yet had a chance to develop any financial maturity. They are acting like spoilt children who want a full class party and are throwing a tantrum when they can't get what they want. This is a very different situation to a couple in their 30s paying for their own wedding.

SandyY2K · 03/12/2017 10:55

@thedowntontrout

YANBU

Not at all.

Roussette · 03/12/2017 10:56

harriet

Obviously if it's a small wedding that the B&G are paying for... no. But if it's a massive wedding that you're shelling out a lot for... of course you should be able to take one set of friends. A couple, just two people. It is beyond selfish to take with one hand and yet not give an inch and allow family friends there.

Of course, if the B&G are totally doing their own thing, paying for everything, wanting a small intimate do etc, they can do what they want.

Totally agree on your last para because I know my DCs would want the family friends there to celebrate their wedding day with them.

I know things have changed a lot, I wouldn't expect to have a say re the guest list but I can't imagine it being 200 so called friends at the wedding... and then just me and my DH and B or G's parents. There would be an expectation from me and my DH which sounds awful doesn't it... but I know my DCs and I know they would want the same as me at their weddings... close family, and close family friends to be invited and be there with them. So it's all a bit hypothetical for me really.

CharlieSierra · 03/12/2017 10:59

but I'm really surprised at the general attitude that parents would expect to have a say re the guest list. It used to be that way in the past when couples were getting married from the family home, hadn't lived together before marriage and were young, but that is hardly ever the case these days

And yet despite how everything has changed in these modern times there still appears to be the aspiration to a huge wedding day costing £££££ and involving big white dresses, wedding veils, bridesmaids, honeymoons in exotic places- all this after living together for yonks and even already having children. So those parts of the old fashioned traditions are still cherished, but the idea of a wedding being a family celebration is anathema, it's all about the show and 'our day'.

Roomster101 · 03/12/2017 11:15

And yet despite how everything has changed in these modern times there still appears to be the aspiration to a huge wedding day costing £££££ and involving big white dresses, wedding veils, bridesmaids, honeymoons in exotic places- all this after living together for yonks and even already having children. So those parts of the old fashioned traditions are still cherished, but the idea of a wedding being a family celebration is anathema, it's all about the show and 'our day'.

I think that the aspiration for the wedding to be a "show" often comes from the parent rather than the child though and I think that point is overlooked on this thread. Everyone seems to assume that the child must be the one who wants a big wedding and they are "expecting" parents to contribute and therefore they must put up with people being there who they don't know well and/or like.

Roussette · 03/12/2017 11:30

Don't agree. The couple concerned would be the ones who drive the whole thing and want the 'show' if they're that way inclined.

I can't imagine in this day and age, parents managing to influence adult children into having a showy wedding when they just want a registry office/pub after wedding.

Roomster101 · 03/12/2017 11:32

I can't imagine in this day and age, parents managing to influence adult children into having a showy wedding when they just want a registry office/pub after wedding.

You live in a very small world then!