Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

[thedowntontrout]

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

Are they expecting you to provide childcare during their honeymoon? Cos I'd be snatching a quick holiday instead with your dearest friends if i were you.

I'd feel if I were paying for it (not 'contributing' but paying for it) I could make a suggestion without getting my head bitten off.

I think that should happen anyway regardless of who is paying or contributing.

I really don't think that it's possible to generalise about wedding rules tbh but I do think that it's important to consider the wishes of one's parents at such a significant event.

We gave our parents a table each. They can choose who ever they wanted to be there, whether that was friends or extended family. They hosted their tables and it worked really well.

I'd be hurt! I would be disappointed if my DC chose a big flash venue rather than being surrounded by their friends and family. I suspect some of mine will go for a very small intimate thing which is fine.

I see big flash weddings that are beyond ones budget as consumerism at its worst!

There are a lot of people on here who are very dismissive of their parents. I don't think you're unreasonable at all OP, it's not about 'dictating' the guest list it's about kindness and consideration from the children you brought up and did everything in your power to get off to a good start. My best friend dates back to when we were 17. Our children grew up together, of course they know her, and her children; her granddaughter was my daughter's flower girl. I think this must be one of those 'only on MN' things, I don't know anyone in RL, either my contemporaries or my children's who think like some of these posters. Having said that I don't know anyone who has preferred to spend a fortune on a Scottish castle rather than guests, it does seem they have questionable priorities.

I've avoided clicking on this thread all day, because I knew I'd get pissed off with some of the attitudes inevitably expressed, saying why should a B&G extend basic courtesy (and yes, gratitude) towards parents who have helped them so much financially and in other ways (childcare, for instance). It encapsulates everything I loathe about entitled and grabby behaviour

I was right.

OP, I don't blame you one jot for being upset. YADNBU. I think I'd be looking to see if I could withdraw the offer of writing this blank cheque.

I don't think parents (on either side) have the right to insist that anyone is included, but I do think it's okay to ask whether they've thought about inviting X and Y, who would love to be there.

We had a cheaper wedding venue to allow for more guests - still lovely, but not a conventional wedding venue. It meant we had far less pressure on guest numbers.

I think that’s really sad. You’re his mum and it’s not like you’re asking for lots of people you’re asking for two people to share in the joy of your son’s day. Sadly he sounds selfish and grabby. Not to mention thoughtless. Are you able to do the same for your other kids? I'd also stop my husband and his desire to throw money at them.

YANBU at all OP. You only mentioned money because other people asked, and/or implied you should only get to invite friends if you were paying.

Sadly weddings seem to make some B&G completely self absorbed and unreasonable. I don’t think asking to invite 2 long standing family friends is unreasonable in the slightest and I am amazed that some people think that it is.

Unless you're the one committing your life to someone else, you do not get to have a say in who witnesses it. Full fucking stop.

I'm really pleased my mother didn't use my wedding as an opportunity to show me and my partner off to her friends. She respected us as people and understood that since we were the ones making the commitment, perhaps it mattered more to us who witnessed the event.

Well ... I would be gutted if my two close friends couldn't come to my DCs weddings. One in particular is like a second mother, she was the one named in our wills should something happen to us etc, irrelevant now they are adults. I've known one of my BFs since my childhood and the other since I was a teen and they've been with me every step of the way of my DCs growing up. How anyone can class an invite to the wedding as 'showing them off to my friends' I do not know.

I've avoided clicking on this thread all day, because I knew I'd get pissed off with some of the attitudes inevitably expressed, saying why should a B&G extend basic courtesy (and yes, gratitude) towards parents who have helped them so much financially and in other ways (childcare, for instance). It encapsulates everything I loathe about entitled and grabby behaviour

This sums it up. Weddings sometimes brings out the worst, I just shake my head at the selfishness of some B&Gs.

Jeez sayyouwill how sanctimonious

She respected us as people and understood that since we were the ones making the commitment, perhaps it mattered more to us who witnessed the event

100 close friends?

This is a really sad thread. Weddings should bring people together, but so often they end up causing problems.
OP - YANBU to want your friends there, but sadly it is the B&G who get to decide the guest list. Giving them money does not entitle you to a say in the guest list either - that's just not how it works.
But the B&G should be able to see that an invitation to 2 of their parent's friends is totally reasonable.
You will have to tread very carefully - this is the kind of thing that causes real long term damage in relationships.

This is why i’m eloping. Mil would want all her friends there but we’d foot the bill. Dp has never met half of them. My mother would want relatives i’ve never seen(and didn’t bother to turn up to my dads funeral) there. No ta!

If any of my DCs eloped to marry I would accept that no problem.

BUT if they had a huge wedding (like the one I spoke about with 250 and only their friends invited) and close* family friends that had been involved with them all their lives, and my siblings weren't invited, I would not be happy understatement

*and the parents paid for most of the wedding and it was £££££!!

We did one third bride's family friends and relatives (godparents etc), one third groom's family friends and relatives and one third our friends.

This worked out quite well, as DH was low on relatives so any of his friends he'd known at school/university were on the groom's family friends list.

Wedding was paid for by both families.

If I gave £30k gift and was paying towards a wedding and I were providing free childcare, no extended family invited to a medium to large wedding and a request of 2 guests turned down I would feel like a taken for granted cash cow.

I find it interesting the way a lot of the people arguing that parents should get a say in the guest list, and get to invite their friends, clearly see a child's wedding as the cumulation of their upbringing- as if the parents are launching the child out on the world. This to me is bizarre and incredibly old fashioned, but I wonder if that's because I'm getting married in my forties, so I've been an adult for more than half my life.

I'd be willing to bet that mortgage deposit on the fact that half of those "close friends" of the B&G won't even be on their radar in 10 years' time.

In that case, doobigetta, you won't be expecting your parents to cough up a small fortune for your party.

In that case, doobigetta, you won't be expecting your parents to cough up a small fortune for your party quite

I agree there is a huge shift in thinking though; I find it utterly bizarre that couple a couple set up home, have children and then go on to want a big fancy wedding which is all about 'the day' and an idyllic 'honeymoon' somewhere exotic.