Page 13 | Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

thedowntontrout · 2017-11-30T23:53:33+00:00

At all? I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins. Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

Hulder · 01/12/2017 16:34

I started out this thread thinking YABU. Now I've changed my mind and think YANBU, your son is and your DH is his enabler.

As a general rule, no I don't think parents get to invite people to their children's weddings. However if they are paying the bills, then the child in question should recognise there is some wiggle room on this - not parent dictates 50 guests their child has never met, but a close friend, absolutely.

Your DS is very young but has already been gifted a deposit on a house by you, gets free childcare from you, a paid for wedding by his ILs, then been unable to stick to this budget after deciding on a dream wedding that is massively inconvenient to all guests, been therefore gifted more money to cover it by you and yet can't give you one measly place setting. They don't have 100 close friends that have missed out FFS.

I don't think he knows he's born
I hope you have the capability to give an equal amount of money and childcare to all your other children or WWIII will break out
You need to point this out to your DH as a matter of urgency before he causes major family rifts with his Lady Bountiful act

harrietm87 · 01/12/2017 16:38

@JillyJellybean but presumably you make the child aware of the conditions before you hand over the money, so they can decide whether to accept it or not?

It's fine to impose conditions, but not after the event. It's one thing to say "we will give you x amount and want our friends to be there" and another to say "here's x amount to spend on your wedding" and then, later, when the couple have had to cut back on guest nos, to say "oh and x and y have to be there because I'm contributing". (Not that this is at all what the OP is saying mind you).

HamishBamish · 01/12/2017 16:43

Yes, YANBU. Parents of the bride and groom should be allowed to invite equal numbers. My parents didn't have so many relatives, so invited a few of their friends who had known me all my life.

As for who is paying...traditionally of course the bride's parents would, but that is becoming a rarer occurrence. Couples seem to be paying more towards their own weddings now. I would still give parents an equal number of invitations, although the number may be smaller.

JillyJellybean · 01/12/2017 16:44

You can't just give money for a wedding and then expect to have a say in who is invited etc

Well, I think you can have a discussion about it.
If I thought there was someone my dd had overlooked, who'd played a big part in her life, maybe even someone who was a friend of mine, then I'd feel I could draw it to her attention. If there was a reason she really didn't want that person there, then fair enough.
I wouldn't try to use my cash injection as a lever.

In OPs case though it's different. They've overstretched massively, so even some of their friends are left out. Although I don't see how you can have 100 close friends. Maybe 50 of them are +1s.
It sounds like it's got a bit out of control.

Smarshian · 01/12/2017 16:57

My father paid for my wedding outright and wanted absolutely nothing to do with the guest list or organising. I invited non of his family, just his partner.
It is your sons wedding day and he should be able to invite the people that are important to him - not you. I get that you want to share your joy but surely you can do that with the photos/ people there who thy really want there.

JillyJellybean · 01/12/2017 17:00

harrietm87

oh and x and y have to be there because I'm contributing

No, I wouldn't say it like that. I'd initiate a discussion. I would have suggested x and y in the first place. If there had to be cutbacks then we'd discuss how we need to make cuts.

That would be only if I was paying for the whole shebang, not just contributing, otherwise it's not my business. It is my business, however, if we're trying to figure out how much I can reasonably afford - or minor alterations that make it easier to accommodate everybody.

However, I absolutely know for a fact that my dd wants a modest and affordable wedding, and there will be no need for cutting back.
It will NOT be a Scottish Castle. I'm rambling now

Pengggwn · 01/12/2017 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

thedowntontrout · 01/12/2017 17:09

Can I just reiterate that I was asked about my friends first.
The money has been offered after the invitations were sent out and after I realised my friends were not invited.
My brothers are not invited, neither is DHs brother so no aunts and uncles or cousins and I’m fine with that.

OP posts:

northernruth · 01/12/2017 17:15

We had some push back from my MIL who wanted to invite people that I didn't know (and that DH didn't know that well) on the basis that they have a small family - once I'd shown how many were invited from "my side" it all calmed down. We wanted a small wedding tho and had less than 70 guests. I'm not sure that YABU to be honest.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2017 17:21

Why the hell aren't they paying towards their own wedding?? Anyone would think you were Meghans mom!!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/12/2017 17:23

Maybe it's worth remembering that OP/DH - having already given a house deposit - are now contributing mainly because B&G have spent more than they were given by the in laws

Even with this new money the guest list has still had to be cut, which suggests to me that the B&G's overspending has now gone beyond all reason

I realise it wouldn't go down well, but instead of offering blank cheques, perhaps it's time to suggest they join the real world and rethink the whole thing?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2017 17:24

Sorry bit this is what happens when you raise spoilt kids.

Agree a budget with DH that enables you to still give the other kids 39k each for a house and the same amount for their weddings and stick to it. They need to learn to city their cloth accordingly before you spend tube rest of your life rescuing them from bad financial decisions

iBiscuit · 01/12/2017 17:40

Are they relying on guests booking rooms the night before to cut the venue hire cost, per chance?

They'll be begging your friends and family to attend when a large proportion on their 100 "closest friends" decline their invitations.

Roomster101 · 01/12/2017 17:51

You can't just give money for a wedding and then expect to have a say in who is invited etc

Well, I think you can have a discussion about it.

You can have a discussion about it whether or not you have contributed though. As I said, I think it is fine to offer money on the condition that you can choose guests as then the bride/groom have a choice (they might prefer a less expensive wedding if it means they have more autonomy). I just don't like the assumption by some that if a parent contributes they automatically get a "say" in who comes because they have contributed even if it wasn't discussed first.

nobutreally · 01/12/2017 17:54

In general, OP, I think wedding etiquette has massively changed/and is still changing over the last generation - and the issue of who pays and who controls (esp ito the guest list) is in a bit of a state of flux. When my parents got married, they paid nothing and had pretty much no control over the guest list - my dad talks about the people he met for the first time at his wedding. I got married 15 years ago, and we paid nearly everything, and expected to control the wedding list. We invited a couple of my PIL's friends, I know ... I actually can't remember about my parents! We got married in the local church, so mum had free reign to invite anyone and everyone to the church (& did!) but I certainly can't imagine we would have invited more than maybe a couple of their friends to the reception. Because numbers were limited, and my priorities were family; my friends; and only then parents friends, tbh.

BUT I think in your situation, where you've given so generously and asked for just one couple to attend, if I was your child I would want to do everything I could to accommodate you. And I think it's a particular shame that you thought you had agreed this and your ds is now backing out - very embarrassing! Tbh, if it's a Scottish castle scenario, your ds and his fiancé may find that they get a few no-thank-yous ... maybe have another chat and ask if there's any chance that your friends could be first in the 'waiting list' in that instance...?

I also think you need to sit on have a firm discussion with your partner - if you are just going to make up any old shortfall, I'd be pretty nervous.You've been more than generous, enough is enough. Make sure your son knows what the upper limit is, and stick to it!

JillyJellybean · 01/12/2017 18:04

You can have a discussion about it whether or not you have contributed though

Of course you can.

I just don't like the assumption by some that if a parent contributes they automatically get a "say" in who comes because they have contributed even if it wasn't discussed first

I'd feel if I were paying for it (not 'contributing' but paying for it) I could make a suggestion without getting my head bitten off.

This is what it's feeling like. Give me your cash and piss off with your reasonable requests. It's not pretty.

I don't actually have this problem, fortunately, but I'm pretty surprised at all the 'attitude' that's coming over.

Roomster101 · 01/12/2017 18:07

In general, OP, I think wedding etiquette has massively changed/and is still changing over the last generation - and the issue of who pays and who controls (esp ito the guest list) is in a bit of a state of flux. When my parents got married, they paid nothing and had pretty much no control over the guest list - my dad talks about the people he met for the first time at his wedding.

I think it is partly because people are generally older now as well. My parents were only 20 when they got married, their parents paid and chose everyone on the guest list. My mother expected to do the same even though I was in my 30s because my parents paid quite a bit. I wouldn't have accepted the money if I had known in advance that this was their expectation as I would have preferred a smaller wedding with autonomy.

Welshmaenad · 01/12/2017 18:11

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Our guest list was strictly capped at 70 guests at the meal due to venue restrictions. We had a number of parents friends on both sides as part of that total. Most of the rest was family (large in both sides). We had friends who we could only invite to the evening do, a lot came for the ceremony then returned in the evening which was lovely if them and I'm grateful they understood.

We invited PIL oldest friends and the wife couldn't attend due to chronic illness. I had a friend who took photos after the ceremony run off to print some pics, and made up a gift bag with photos, a favour, slice of wedding cake etc, which her husband took home to her, so she felt part of the day. Still never met the woman (and am getting divorced now) and actually never been that fond of my inlaws, but it's just what you do, IMO. Parents friends form part of wider family. Weddings are about family. Of course your closest friends should be there, OP, and especially as you are contributing financially too.

JillyJellybean · 01/12/2017 18:11

I didn't mean you Roomster101

I meant some of the more vociferous pps

RunFatGirlRuuuuuun · 01/12/2017 18:22

My DH and I paid for our wedding. It would never have occurred to me to invite parents friends, though this thread now makes some of MILs hints a bit clearer.
I think YABU, they are having to limit their own friends and would probably have to uninvite people!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/12/2017 18:35

The money has been offered after the invitations were sent out and after I realised my friends were not invited

But how would that have worked, if it's now gone past the invitation stage? Surely they didn't effectively say "Oops, we've invited all these folk and we can't afford it; that will be £x please"?

And I'm afraid that, in paying, you're a lot more generous than I'd have been ... not out of some fit of pique because my friend wasn't invited, but because I wouldn't have underwritten this kind of extravagance when I'd already given so much

However, post-invitations and with the wedding close at least they'll now know the cost and shouldn't be back for yet more (or am I kidding myself? )

iBiscuit · 01/12/2017 18:39

they are having to limit their own friends

...to their 100+ "close" ones

They could also have chosen a venue that isn't 200 miles away from where everyone lives, enabling them to have invited evening guests.

ferntwist · 01/12/2017 18:52

YANBU. You should be consulted and included.

bbcessex · 01/12/2017 18:53

I feel very sorry for you OP

My DCs are late teens. We have good friends who have seen them grow up, and will continue to do so, and I hope that those friends will be there to share the love & pride with us as and when either get married.

Your DS is being extremely selfish and shortsighted.

2gorgeousboys · 01/12/2017 19:01

At our wedding, 10 friends of DMiL and DPiL came to our evening do. My PiL has been invited to their friends children's weddings so it felt like the right thing to do and didn't cost much more on our bill.