Page 12 | Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

thedowntontrout · 2017-11-30T23:53:33+00:00

At all? I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins. Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

SpadesOfGlory · 01/12/2017 15:02

Speaking from the point of view of someone who has recently been the bride...our guest list definitely caused the most friction. We're from NI and I think there's a belief still that the bride's family foot the wedding bill and the groom's parents contribute to the honeymoon (maybe it's moving away from this now but for rural communities it's still the norm). All family was invited..ie grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and then good family friends on both sides. After that DH and I were able to fill up the rest of the places with our friends and colleagues.

It meant that there were a lot of people there I hadn't met before or only knew vaguely, but we had enough friends there to enjoy the day and it was lovely seeing my parents and in-laws be so proud to show us off to their friends on our big day

I think if you're contributing to the cost it is good manners on behalf of the B&G to give you some say in who's invited. If they were entirely self funding you would be unreasonable to insist on your own friends coming. It is so hard to keep everyone happy though, I'm so glad i don't have to do it all again!

peachgreen · 01/12/2017 15:07

I'm still confused as to why anyone should have a guest at their wedding that they don't necessarily know very well or like. I went to a wedding as my mum's plus one (she's disabled so needs a carer) and it was the daughter of one of her colleagues, so I was sat on a table with lots of the bride's parents' other friends. Most of them spent the whole time criticising the wedding - the dress, the cake, the speeches, the food etc - and I vowed there and then that I wouldn't invite a single person to my wedding who would be anything other than loving and kind. It would have made me so uncomfortable to have to have people there that I didn't know well.

LineysRunner · 01/12/2017 15:10

OP, Scottish Castle wedding bingo.

Bridezilla
Groomzilla
Budget out of control
Everyone falling out

And you've got a husband enabling this crap of your son's, to the detriment of your daughters in the future and your emotional well-being.

I'd threaten to wash my hands of the whole thing.

This is your money being pissed away - it's not just your husband's money.

Ginslinger · 01/12/2017 15:13

I'm surprised at how much things have changed in just the last 10 years - we paid for DD's wedding 10 years ago and it was very much a 4 way split on guests - 25%from us, 25% from DD, 25% from SonILaw and 25% from his parents - it was seen very much as 2 families getting together and getting to know each other and including old and valued friends in that. DS didn't have a large wedding, it was family only but that was with the agreement of everyone.

YouThought · 01/12/2017 15:15

I don't get the issue with giving monetary gift with conditions. We payed for all our DC to go to Uni and I was clear with the kids that whist they could do whatever they wanted with the money if they graduated then DH and I would like to go to their graduations with them. I guess it was our 'condition' of giving them the money. The D.C. were more than happy to comply.

We've also given the kids lump sums for their saving accounts which we explicitly say that we have given them without any conditions whatsoever and If they want to waste it or give it all away then it's up to them.

It's all about communication.

I think that if you gave a considerable amount of money to pay for someone's wedding then it would be ok to say something along the lines of here is ££££'a for you wedding however we would really like to invite June and Steve to the wedding. Is that ok? Its open and honest and gives the intended recipient of the 'gift' to decline.

I this case I think it's a shame for the OP and I agree that the main issue is that the OP was initially under the impression that her friends were invited. (How awkward!)

However, if I was getting married i would much prefer to have people I knew at the wedding.

Roomster101 · 01/12/2017 15:18

My parents paid for a lot of my wedding and whilst I certainly agreed that some of their friends could come I did expect to be consulted first and to be able to refuse some people (e.g. if I didn't even know them I didn't see why they should be at my wedding). Ultimately even if you contribute money you can't start treating it like your own event,

BlueUggs · 01/12/2017 15:20

I paid for 95% of my wedding and my parents were allowed to invite 3 sets of friends, but I had to agree who it was.

Hillarious · 01/12/2017 15:20

Is your DS and DIL confusing their close friends with their Facebook friends?

It really sounds like they've overstretched themselves and it sounds like it's less of a wedding, more of a knees up in a big house and no doubt everything will need to match their colour scheme. Such a shame to have chosen a venue that is so far away and the price of which restricts the people they can afford to invite.

I would never have thought to restrict who my parents would have wanted to invite to our wedding. I also wouldn't have chosen to get married 200 miles from home. As it happened, our guest lists coincided for the most part. I'd thought I'd cross off two great aunts, but my DM was keen they came. They had the best time ever, went and talked to ALL the guests and I'm so pleased they came.

As a previous poster said, friends can come and go, but family will always be around.

OP - I hope your DS sees sense. YANBU

TheCraicDealer · 01/12/2017 15:27

I got married three months ago and both sets of parents had at least the option to invite friends- neither side have loads of mates so we knew we'd be looking at 8-10 extra guests, tops. Whilst we funded the wedding mostly ourselves they both helped out- it seemed only right to say "you can invite a few people of your choosing" in thanks for their generosity.

The day wouldn't have happened when and how it did if it weren't for their help. That's the same for OP's son and DIL. She's asking for two invites- if they can't stretch to that I think they have bigger problems than cutting a few friends. The least her DS could've done was be honest when his mum was "I'd like to invite so and so" instead of smiling benignly and letting her think it was sorted. Their priorities (i.e., flashy venue which they've priotirised over being able to invite all their friends, and puts most of their guests out practically and financially) and "head in the sand, hand out" reaction suggest a real lack of maturity.

The problem is they're having a wedding they can't afford and i think my financial assistance would be stopping now given the attitude they're showing. They've already had a lot of help and you need to think about if you can do the same for your other DC.

MargaretCavendish · 01/12/2017 15:29

As a previous poster said, friends can come and go, but family will always be around.

I think that's quite an idealised version of family, particularly when we're talking about extended family. A couple of people I knew were horrified that I didn't invite my cousins to my wedding - the only times I'd ever seen them as an adult was at my grandparents' funerals, and I haven't seen any of them since my own wedding. Realistically, I doubt I will ever see them again. I would have been really sad if I'd chosen to have them there rather than people I actually know and like and who have been there for me when things were rough.

Queeniebed · 01/12/2017 15:34

We wanted a small wedding and would pay for close friends/family only. DH and parents insisted on inviting the world(big families). Our parents topped up the cost and we were all happy

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/12/2017 15:39

Their priorities (i.e., flashy venue which they've priotirised over being able to invite all their friends, and puts most of their guests out practically and financially) and "head in the sand, hand out" reaction suggest a real lack of maturity

I agree, but would add that it also seems to show an unwillingness to talk things through and negotiate, which are important qualities in any marriage

A concern for the future, perhaps - at least for those who believe it's about a great deal more than just a fancy day

RockinRobinTweets · 01/12/2017 15:40

I can see both sides. From their point of view, I'd have to prioritise:

Family first
Friends
Parents friends

I don't think you can argue with the order.

It is just bad planning though isn't it? I think they'd have preferred a less snazzy venue and to have all the people there that they'd like.

I doubt it is malicious and I'd try to not read too much into it. They're likely to annoy lots of friends who don't make the cut - I expect that we've all been the uninvited spouse or similar.

Are they not having an evening do/engagement party that everyone can go to? They day after BBQ seems popular at the moment too.

YouThought · 01/12/2017 15:41

As a previous poster said, friends can come and go, but family will always be around

Someone needs to visit the stately homes threads 😳

LineysRunner · 01/12/2017 15:44

And you can feel the OP's hurt.

Cornishclio · 01/12/2017 15:45

YANBU to have asked to have some input into the guest list in view of the fact you have been incredibly generous but I think that we have to accept that when we give monetary gifts to our DC it should be with no strings attached. You asked and they said no as was their right. It is a shame but ultimately it is their wedding and I do not think I would cause a family feud over it. I do think weddings these days have more friends included than maybe was the case years ago. Distant cousins were dropped from my DDs and her DHs wedding and we said nothing. They did ask us for some input though and in view of the fact they hadn't seen the cousins for years it made sense to me not to include them.

JillyJellybean · 01/12/2017 16:00

YABU. A gift shouldn't come with conditions attached

Can I just point out again that, for the vast majority of parents,
paying for a wedding isn't a gift. It's paying for a wedding.
If I wanted to gift my dd £20k I would give her £20k and she could spend it on whatever she likes. If I'm paying for a wedding, then I'm paying for the wedding whether it's £10k or £20k or whatever it is.
It comes with conditions attached. It's for the wedding and nothing else. (In fact I did gift my dd some money with conditions. That it was the deposit for a house. If that condition hadn't been met I wouldn't have given it to her. I'm not made of money. I worked hard for it and I want to know she doesn't spend it on something I consider wasteful. I'd have no more cash to give her when she needs the deposit for a house. Most large cash gifts from parent to child come with conditions. Not many just hand it over and say 'spend it how you like'

AlansLeftMoob · 01/12/2017 16:05

My parents didn't contribute but still kicked up a giant fuss over their friends not being invited (I don't know their friends) - I agreed to invite their neighbours (so 6 people) but absolutely did not let them ask their friends who I couldn't pick out of a line-up.

DownTownAbbey · 01/12/2017 16:07

I think a PP has it: they want you to babysit their DC so why would they invite people for you to socialise with?

Roomster101 · 01/12/2017 16:27

Obviously the "gift" can come with strings attached but I think that you have to say so when offering the money or agreeing to pay. You can't just give money for a wedding and then expect to have a say in who is invited etc,

BrizzleDrizzle · 01/12/2017 16:27

My parents chose all of the guests when I got married - no money, no guests. At the time it was generally expected that parents pay for the wedding and as far as I know it was the norm for the time; I've never been to a wedding other than my own though so I might be talking rubbish.

gobster · 01/12/2017 16:27

I know its probably hugely against others comments but these days people tend to marry later and much wide friendship circles by the time they get married, I know if i was to get married my priority would be the people that are most important to me and that would mostly be my friends not aunts and uncles that haven''t bothered with me for most my life, but people who would drop everything and come to my aid.

Obviously there is money involved but actually a lot of that resentment sounds like it should be aimed at your DH as he likes to swoop in and save the day, yes your son and DIL should work within their means but just because your husband decided to give them money should it come with stipulations?

Roomster101 · 01/12/2017 16:29

My parents didn't contribute but still kicked up a giant fuss over their friends not being invited (I don't know their friends) - I agreed to invite their neighbours (so 6 people) but absolutely did not let them ask their friends who I couldn't pick out of a line-up.

My parents were similar and while they did pay a lot I refused to let people I didn't know come. I wouldn't have accepted my parent's money if I had know they expected it to be their party rather than mine/DHs's.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/12/2017 16:29

100plus close friends. Sorry it’s not possible to have that many close friends. Your ds and dil are being incredibly rude. I understand that they can’t invite your entire families on the 80 people they now seem to perhaps have the budget for. I would feel very aggrieved in your position. They want a blank cheque but no strings attached, which isn’t mature or acceptable.

LillianGish · 01/12/2017 16:31

There’s a lot of outrage on here about the cheek of parents wanting to invite all their friends to dcs’s weddings. The OP here has clearly stated they’ve got no family going and have asked to invite two close friends who her son knows well and who he as good as gave her to understand would be invited. YANBU. I don’t think the wedding party should be made up of friends of parents, but I do think a couple from each side is not unreasonable - a chance for all the significant people on both sides to get together to celebrate. As a previous poster pointed out - this has all the hallmarks of an event that will be all about themes, colour schemes (and heaven forbid anyone should bring any children along) - it’s all about the wedding day itself in a venue that is all about show and nothing about personal connection with no thought of the actual marriage. Without the two families coming together the bride and groom would have nowhere to live and no Scottish castle. But let’s just forget that - it’s all about them and their big day. The entitlement is breathtaking.