Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should parents have a say in wedding guest list?

480 replies

thedowntontrout · 30/11/2017 23:53

At all?
I’m not talking about wanting to choose half the guests or Great Aunt Sue and your 15 cousins.
Should parents of the groom be consulted on the guest list and would it be unreasonable to expect to be able to invite 2 guests of our own choosing?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/12/2017 13:30

I know this is probably going to be a silly question, but why not have chosen a less extravagant venue and avoided all this angst around the reduction in the guest list?

And now your DH has offered to cover any "shortfall", caused tension with the other DCs and hasn't even been consulted in order to have any idea of what this shortfall might be?

Oh dear, oh dear ...

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2017 13:31

My MIL wanted to invite several cousins who lived near where we were getting married, I had never met any of them and my DH hardly knew them either. We reached a compromise, we said they could come to the wedding ceremony and then the evening reception. We just didn't have the space, otherwise we'd have had to leave out friends who we really wanted to be there.

Marissa2727 · 01/12/2017 13:31

If you feel that aggrieved about it then don't contribute. You've got to question though what you are contributing for. Is it so that your son and DIL can have the day that they want with the people they want there? Or is it so that you can have a good time with your friends?

It's only one day, I'm sure you can survive without your friends there for one day. Surely there will be some other people you know there. It's not like you are single, you have your husband and other children there too.

happysunr1se · 01/12/2017 13:35

My parents totally paid for my wedding, they invited the whole extended family and lots of their friends (maybe 30?).

Then the next day my in-laws totally paid to host their own traditional Chinese celebration of our wedding and they invited all their extended family and probably 100 extra friends. Some guests went to both celebrations. It was great fun!

But we talked about it all before. my DH and I said we were happy with (and could only afford) a registry office then pub and immediate family only.

When they offered to be the hosts it was expected that they invite their friends too, most of which we knew anyway.

My DH and I were supremely grateful for our parents generosity.

Since then my 2 siblings have both got married and my parents contributed to each of their weddings and we all enjoyed the company of my parents friends who have now been to all of our family weddings, which I think is nice!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/12/2017 13:36

I think you need to have a very firm chat with (DH) and your son about how much you can actually afford to pay. Surely if they want their dream wedding the couple should take some financial responsibility for it? It's not like they're saving for a house deposit!!

This ^^

Mookatron · 01/12/2017 13:38

Sounds like this is all about communication then. I don't know whether people ought to let their parents invite friends (I specifically asked my MIL whom we ought to invite and ours was a much smaller wedding), but the issue is not that, really, is it? You need to sit down with your son and his fiancee and say what you've said here:
-You have helped them out financially but not your other kids yet - you need to know how much you are being expected to contribute.

  • You have been talking about the wedding to your best friends because your son/dil made it seem like she was invited and now they are asking you to be very rude
  • you don't feel resentful of the financial help you've given but you do feel you have a right to be spoken to openly and honestly.

Sounds like they've got themselves into a pickle. Don't just fester with resentment - have a conversation.

Ponzi · 01/12/2017 13:40

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LouiseBrooks · 01/12/2017 13:42

YANBU at all. Your son shouldn't have asked if you wanted anyone invited if he then wouldn’t invite them, especially since most of your family appear to not be invited. Of course it depends on how close a family you are but aren’t weddings supposed to be a family event?

Many years ago I attended a friend’s wedding. Her father had asked her to invite two foreign clients of his who would be over on business at the time and she did. Now I thought that was weird but close friends of the parents? And only two of them? Not an issue.

I also get the impression that the number of guests is limited so that they can spend the money on a flashy venue , a super expensive dress, etc.

the budget won’t stretch to the 100 plus close friends

Who the feck has 100 close friends? I bet they lose contact with half of them within five years.

diddl · 01/12/2017 13:42

"However, they can’t have all their friends now so we can’t have any of ours."

That's nasty.

Your husband sounds ridiculous-cover the shortfall-well, there's no surprise that that don't think they need to find money-because they don't!

I'd be minded to tell them that you can't afford anything!

Scottish castle is just taking the piss!

Bet that they wouldn't be even thinking about it if it was their own money!

Really, are these grown adul

madcatwoman61 · 01/12/2017 13:44

It’s their wedding, why should they invite people they don’t want to? I’m contributing to my daughter’s wedding, but see no reason why I should invite my friends! It’s not my party

LouiseBrooks · 01/12/2017 13:45

And you need to have a sharp word with your husband too. His desire to be "liked" for his generosity isn't helping the situation.

Danceswithwarthogs · 01/12/2017 14:03

Sad in a way that weddings are less of family affairs than they were, but then most people go to uni/have career before marriage now and tend to have more friends to invite.

Both sets of our parents were very generous for our wedding, my parents paid for the reception (no strings attached) and in laws paid for the boys suits and cars. PILs had 1 couple of friends that we invited, but they wanted more (their family is MASSIVE though so we had to limit the numbers a bit). My parents declined inviting their oldest friends as I suspect dad thought he'd end up babysitting them all evening as they wouldn't know many people and can be a bit odd.

I would think that 2 very good friends for each set of parents would be the norm... I'd go against the grain and say it isn't just "their day" it's a massive life event for you too.

Notonthestairs · 01/12/2017 14:06

Well your husband is unreasonable for offering a blank cheque.
The B&G are unreasonable about location, budget and size of wedding.
And you are unreasonable if you haven't told your DH your feelings about the money and your son that you really, really want your 2 friends there.
Specify a budget you feel comfortable with.
Tell them what you want. Stick up for yourself. Then come back after the wedding hopefully with an update of a lovely day.

lou1221 · 01/12/2017 14:09

I am amazed at how many couples seem to think their parents owe them everything. Whether it's house deposits or weddings, do people not save up anymore? Fair enough houses are ridiculously expensive now and some help may be needed to get started. But weddings don't have to be some Hollywood affair. I only got married 14 year's ago, we paid for the majority, my parents paid for flowers and cake, and pil paid roughly £500. We gave each set a choice of a couple they could invite, and we did everything else. We had a wonderful day and total bill was just short of 11k.

I am very much of the mind that if you do for one child you have to do the same for your other children. My children are still fairly young, but if giving them something but not being able to afford the same for the others, then we would have to rethink. I'm not surprised the dc are getting miffed.

Danceswithwarthogs · 01/12/2017 14:14

Plus it does sound a bit bridezilla to pick a showy venue, moan about not being able to afford all the guests you had wanted to invite, then coming back to parents cap-in-hand for more money to pay for it, and disinviting their 2 friends to make more space for yours. I hope it's just wedding fever and they're otherwise nice and grateful

daisypond · 01/12/2017 14:16

'It's not their party
A wedding is not a "party" for anyone.Whereas it has elements of celebration about it, it's a legal, important ceremony.

starkid · 01/12/2017 14:19

No, the married couple pick the guest list. If parents or anyone would like to contribute money they can but shouldn't instantly mean x amount of friends can come too, unless it was decided that was what was expected before the money was accepted.

Maybe a couple of their friends to the evening do, if they are family friends. Although in your case I see how that is difficult.

For my own, I said who was going to the wedding to both sets of parents, and listened to any suggestions of theirs, but basically took charge. Any money contributed would go towards a specific aspect of the wedding, which they can help with ideas for (but still don't get to dictate anything) etc. e.g. wedding cake. Don't like it, don't contribute.

However I will say a big wedding isn't a necessity in life, and if a couple can't afford a wedding the way they've envisioned it, they shouldn't expect others to cough up to make it so.

mumisnotmyname · 01/12/2017 14:21

We had 70 for our wedding day part and although it sounds a lot it counts as a small wedding, it is probably the smallest wedding we have been to.If your couple are having to drastically trim their wedding list I have more sympathy with them explaining that there isn't room for your friends. It sounds as though they haven't budgeted very well. Suppliers though bump up costs terribly when the word wedding is mentioned so I can see how they got in this mess. That said they are adults and you don't have to fix the finances for them. They have chosen to have a small intimate friendship based occasion at a memorable location this is totally their choice, it is your choice how much if any of this you wish to fund.

TinyDoom · 01/12/2017 14:29

YANBU - we paid for our wedding ourselves and we still asked our parents if they had any friends they wanted us to invite. Confused

This was a decade ago, but I don't think that's particularly relevant (ie, not a generational thing...)

Enidblyton1 · 01/12/2017 14:32

I agree with you, OP. I think it's a shame if you can't invite your 2 family friends.
We had about 200 people at our wedding. About half of them were our friends and the other half were family and family friends. Im glad we had all the family friends because, 10 years on from or wedding, it's those family friends who we are all still in touch with. As our younger friends have moved country/had children/met new friends, I'd say that if we were getting married again tomorrow, we'd probably only invite about 50 of those original 100 people.

mikeyssister · 01/12/2017 14:47

I think your DS is being totally unreasonable and I think your DH should quietly tell him that.

FluffyNinja · 01/12/2017 14:47

Sorry, but it sounds like your son is a selfish ungrateful twat. That he's turned out that way would upset me far more than lack of invites to a wedding. Hmm

Noodledoodledoo · 01/12/2017 14:48

Reading this I am beginning to think I am weird. Our families contributed nominal amounts to wedding - as someone else said paid for set things etc.

When doing the guest list, I invited lots of my mums friends - who she would have invited if she was still with me, and asked DH parents and invited the people they requested no issue.

We were in our mid 30's when we married and so not sure its generational but we did sort rough guest list before venue so we then picked venue based on cost for the number we needed.

Can the venue be changed??

carefreeeee · 01/12/2017 14:56

I would definitely let my parents invite a few friends. Even more so if there was a lack of family. I would want them to feel special on the day as well. It's nice for parents to feel as though they know some people there and not just be overwhelmed by friends of the B and G that they've not met.

The only exception would be if I didn't like the person in question (unlikely) or if it was very restricted on numbers.

It wouldn't matter who's paying either. Weddings are expensive, if it's that expensive you can't afford to add 2 extra guests to the 60 you already have then that's unreasonable

Pretty selfish to say 'it's my day I don't care about anyone else'. what's the point of inviting anyone at all in that case?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/12/2017 14:59

My DS asked me some weeks ago who I wanted there and I said it was fine about family but I’d really just like my closest friends there. He said ok, he seemed relieved. However, they can’t have all their friends now so we can’t have any of ours

Hang on, I missed that bit ... so instead of being grateful to the parents for enabling their wedding at a lovely castle, they're now playing a sulky tit for tat because they can't have the 140+ guests too? Hmm

Normally I agree that cash help shouldn't come with strings, but with this kind of "blank cheque" entitlement - especially when it appears the B&G are paying little themselves - I'd expect proper consultation at the very least

As so many PPs have suggested, I'd be putting an immediate cap on your contribution before this gets even more out of hand than it already is

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.