WIBU? I feel so guilty!!

[notsohippychick]

Ok so I think I need to be told to toughen up. But Im stewing, a lot.

To cut a long story short, the school have failed to provide adequate extra support for my son. He has ASD. He is overlooked and there is no support in place for him and falling behind.

I called a meeting with the school and as I was so angry. I prepared for the meeting really wanted to be calm, but firm.

Problem is I wasn’t calm. I was enraged. They had made a huge error about something I just couldn’t be calm about. I didn’t shout,but I feel like a horrible person. My voice was raised enough for the head teacher to intervene and come in the room.

Emotions were running high as I’m just so disappointed at the school. They did admit their failings but I can’t stop thinking about how I looked like a lunatic!!

I hate confrontation, and I know as SEN I have to get tough but I’m just not that person.

Has anyone else ever had a run in with a teacher? Did you feel bad? I can’t stop stressing! A good result, but I feel so embarrassed that I lost the plot!

Im not a social worker either.
You work with children therefore you work with their families.
I don't care if its not in your JD, its part of your job.
How on earth can you work with a child in isolation?

TheFirstMrsSV

Thank you. Your post really helped me to rationalise today.

Even though I did apologise that I was a bit more fraught than I intended to be, I will also email to reiterate this. The meeting didn’t go how I wanted it to in terms of the emotion I displayed but given that my other son has been diagnosed with ASD this week, and this incident with my oldest son, I was feeling at the end of my tether.

Parents of kids with SN are somehow supposed to be extra calm, extra patient and extra understanding.
Its that bloody 'super momma' narrative we are all supposed to buy into. I don't. We are all ordinary people doing our best. Not warrior moms
That idea may help some but I reckon it does a lot of damage

TheFirstMrsDV

I’m definately not that. LOL. I’m not sure it suits me. I get too worried about offending people!

But if today has tought me anything there is a balance you have to obtain. Obviously the school weren’t doing their job, but I let my emotion, hurt and all my frustrations get the better of me and I’ve come away feeling I very heavy hearted.

Maybe I’ll communicate by email in future! Didn’t help that I’m also hormonal!

Thank you for your support.

Seriously, don't feel heavy hearted. I hate being angry as well it affects me for days afterwards.

But you may just have given them the wake up call that was needed.

I know it's not great to get angry but whenever I have...things have changed.

A shame that's what it takes some times. (It takes a lot for me to lose it)

colours

You sound very much like me. It takes a lot for me to get angry with people!

Xxxx

It's a bloody awful state of affairs that, as SN parents, we feel that it can be the only way to help our children.

God I wish that SN education would be taken more seriously.

Personally, I would email the teacher and the head. Explain that you apologise for raising your voice, that it wasn’t appropriate, but that you feel strongly that the school have and are letting your child down. Outline your points in the email, an that you would like to discuss them, and are happy to do so with two memebers of staff there, if the teacher feels wary about engaging with you so soon after the previous incident alone. This needs to be sorted, and you need to be able to calmly get your point across. Hopefully a follow up meeting where you are able to do so will give you and your child the resolution they deserve and need

Its your child and everyone understands when someone or somethings hurts them - you react. The fact that you feel bad about it tells me you are usually like that - shouty, rude parents dont care how they behave and have no guilt about shouting at others. (I know you didnt shout)

School are hard to work in and budgets, time restraints and stress put everyone in situations that shouldn't happen (parents, teachers and pupils alike)

notso I really feel for you as it took 3 years from DD's initial referral to her getting a DX and it was the professionals who we looked to support us that really did the most damage for all our mental health wellbeing.

DD now has a place at a really good SEN secondary for children with ASD but it was a battle & myself and the school are having to undo years of damage due to not being listened to.

and are happy to do so with two memebers of staff there, if the teacher feels wary about engaging with you so soon after the previous incident alone.

That sounds like blowing the "incident" up out of proportion. OP hasn't abused or shouted at anyone. She got upset at an understandably upsetting meeting. It won't be the first time they've seen that happen. I understand you're trying to get OP to be all understanding and apologetic but I think actually it could come across as being a bit insulting to the teacher's professionalism to suggest a) they're scared of you and b) they would wait for your permission to ask for backup at a meeting if they wanted it.

Whether another meeting is or isn't needed at this stage would rather depend on how successfully the meeting concluded once the head stepped in. As long as something was agreed, I think time to leave in school's court for a few weeks then ask for a meeting to review progress.

Op you would be better on sen boards. Only sen parents will get it. The frustration, constant battle to get smallest allowances at school, child being overlooked. There's no money. And some teachers and schools are utterly rubbish when it comes to sen.

You need to apply for echp yourself if your child is only working at reception level. Head over to sen board - where there's great advice

OP - it really doesn't sound like you did anything wrong at all. You passionately communicated your distress and frustration that they were taking you for a mug, by allowing you to waste money and lying to you about working their part as they had agreed. You feel bad now, but that sounds like it is far more to do with your own anxieties about being assertive, than because you actually did anything wrong.

They are probably trying to fob you off about not needing an EHCP, they are expensive to implement and the council will be trying to discourage referrals. It might be worth insisting on one, unless the school can demonstrate that your son is achieving at an acceptable level. They will be relying on you not wanting to make a scene and not disagree with them. But you need to (and have been!) your sons advocate.

chickenowner, you're a bully.

Pengggwyn, you're a teacher and you say your job description doesn't include 'dealing with difficult situations' - of course being a teacher entails dealing with difficult situations. You are dealing with people, and families, and unpredictability, and anxieties, and group dynamics. If you think you can avoid difficult situations you are in the wrong job.

@catkind- the conversation was loud enough that another me never of staff, in a different room, felt they needed to investigate/support. That indicates a pretty raised voice. The suggestion of apologising and offering a solution was merely so the OP got a chance to get her point across. Many people may feel intimidated about a follow up meeting if the initial one had become tense, and IMO if the OP feels her child is being let down, then another meeting is needed sooner rather than later. Many people would be wary about another meeting soon after a previous one had broken down. The suggestion was merely to ensure a follow up meeting would be considered quickly.

SD, OP said in her first post that there had been "a good result" after the head stepped in, and also mentioned she'd had the opportunity to apologise for raising her voice. From that it doesn't sound like a meeting which broke down, just one where strong feelings were voiced. Let's not dramatise.

@catkind- no way to know if there is a good result or not- only the initial conversation ended well. Fair enough offering to have more than one person there may not be necessary- but follow up meetings probably will be required. Acknowledging that future interactions will not be as fraught I would personally feel will ensure that both parties continue to be positive in future meetings, but that’s just my interpretation.

The only wrong thing about this is that you have to fight for your son's rights.

Pengggwyn, have you had a lot of experience of being shouted at? I can imagine, from your manner, why that might be. You are rude, provocative and willfully misinterpreting other people. OP has categorically stated that she did not shout. Why do you keep saying that she did?

Of course it is not acceptable to be shouted at. Recognising that someone is becoming upset, and why that might be, is a key part of working relationships, especially in public sector work. It helps to avoid situations where people are so frustrated that they shout. You could learn some skills in deescalation, mediation and active listening. Then you might find everyone is happier and you do not need to call in the Head so often.

Hello OP just wanted to offer my support.

I have a meeting with my sons school next week and the more I think about his treatment the angrier I get.

I had a meeting last week and I had to raise my voice to be heard. There were two of them and 1 of me and they were talking over me.
The schools actions had led to an episode of self harm for my son and for them to talk over me as if it was not important was vile. They deserved to be shouted at tbh but I just managed not to.

Nobody shoumd be shouted at during your working day but sometimes the actions of that person means they can be the cause.

These are our children and when those intrusted with their care are part of the problem and causing harm then you can understand why parents shout.

I used to teach special education and I don't think you did anything wrong. Children whose parents advocate for them are far more likely to get what they are supposed to get. The school screwed up, and they will be more careful in the future, partly because they don't want you upset again. It isn't how it should work, but sadly it is how it often does work.

As far as the head of school coming in, I think its GREAT that the head knows what is going on. The teachers didn't do their freakin jobs, and their boss should know. There absolutely should be oversight so that the plans for special needs students are actually be followed. (I use to invite administrators to meetings and I couldn't get them to come unless they are trying to get a student removed from the school. I'm all for people in power knowing what is up with special students just to help ensure the school is working to meet needs).

@Pengggwyn -- I've lead a lot of meetings with parents of special education students. My advice is to really listen to what they are saying, and then reflect back to them in your own words so they know you heard. Then meaningfully address the issues. "Non Violent Communication" by Rosenberg is a fantastic book. As far as you passing angry parents upwards, they will be telling your boss that they are angry because you didn't do your job. I don't see how that is in your best interests. Actually doing your job and following the students' plan seems easier and like it would reflect better on you.