WIBU? I feel so guilty!!

[notsohippychick]

Ok so I think I need to be told to toughen up. But Im stewing, a lot.

To cut a long story short, the school have failed to provide adequate extra support for my son. He has ASD. He is overlooked and there is no support in place for him and falling behind.

I called a meeting with the school and as I was so angry. I prepared for the meeting really wanted to be calm, but firm.

Problem is I wasn’t calm. I was enraged. They had made a huge error about something I just couldn’t be calm about. I didn’t shout,but I feel like a horrible person. My voice was raised enough for the head teacher to intervene and come in the room.

Emotions were running high as I’m just so disappointed at the school. They did admit their failings but I can’t stop thinking about how I looked like a lunatic!!

I hate confrontation, and I know as SEN I have to get tough but I’m just not that person.

Has anyone else ever had a run in with a teacher? Did you feel bad? I can’t stop stressing! A good result, but I feel so embarrassed that I lost the plot!

I actually can't wrap my head around @chickenowner having been shouted at once and still not being over it.

I've been shouted at, sworn at, threatened so many times at work (council/govt jobs when I was younger) and whilst unpleasant they don't cause me any ongoing concern.

OP most grown ups have dealt with raised voices and much worse and will cope perfectly well. If you want to apologise for the manner in which you raised your valid concerns that might be nice and help your relationship but don't feel bad.

Oh and I did apologise if I came across as heated. I did that at the end. I told them that wasn’t my intention but sometimes emotions run high.

It was all left fine. But still feel shit!

chickenowner
You need to apologise to the teacher for raising your voice.

notsohippychick
Read the threads. I didn’t shout.

OP, Chickenowner didn't say you shouted, they said you raised your voice, which you admitted in your OP. You raised your voice so much that the Headteacher had to come in.

In which case OP don't feel bad, just feel satisfied that you got results for your child.

Next time you're at school, I don't see why you can't thank the teacher for listening to your concerns/ facilitating a satisfactory result and also apologise for getting angry and raising your voice?

It's understandable that you lost your cool but that doesn't mean you can't amend the situation.

flower

No-one deserves to be shouted at.

YANBU.

Needs must.

I'm sure all teachers are clever enough to understand that when you're dealing with an emotional subject, such as your child being mistreated at school, by themselves no less, voices get raised sometimes.

???

*sorry just seen you did apologise and Everything's Fine now.

What are you stressing about then? Why do you feel like a horrible person? It sounds fine to me.

Been there OP - completely lost it with one or two teachers in my time. [not about SEN either]. However, one teacher told DD you're so lucky to have your mum fighting your corner...... so I think if it's a completely genuine complaint then you may find that the school admire your stance and respect you as a parent. Hold your head high OP - your DS is lucky to have you.

Sometimes you need to 'lose' it a bit (in terms of raised voices) so that they do realise it's a big deal, especially if you're normally quiet or passive. It's the difference between normal you & this that tells them something needs doing. That's a good thing. If you'd shouted then you'd apologise, but you didn't and you apologised anyway so end result = point made + no offence taken.
I think you did just fine OP. No guilt required.

flower

That is where chicken accuses me of shouting. Read her post.

Don’t feel guilty. It’s really not a big deal. It’s not ideal to raise your voice or shout or whatever. But it happened and it’s not the end of the world. You certainly don’t sound like you were horrible and abusive and you already apologised at the end of the discussion. The fact that you are posting here feeling guilty shows that you are a decent person and it is out of character. I am much the same. I must say, I find it difficult to believe that any adult would have ongoing problems because another adult once shouted at them. Its not ideal, but it’s not as though you slapped the teacher across the face and trashed the classroom! Seriously, get some perspective.

I once, very loudly, told a man collecting for charity dressed as a dog to go fuck himself. Now THAT was embarrasing. I don’t usually swear. Got some serious judgement and looks for that, but nobody else heard what he said to prompt that response. I felt guilty about it and dwelled on it for quite some time, since it was really out of character for me, but the world carried on turning. Fairly sure the man coped.

Dm is a teacher and she has been shouted at many times. She totally and completely understands when it’s a scared/upset/worried parent at the end of their tether and when it’s some being aggressive intending to intimidate.
She also went to a meeting with my teacher which ended in her withdrawing me from the school, as in coming and getting me from class and never returning. I’d imagine that was talked about for a while.
By all means apologise if you feel your behaviour warrants it but I wouldn’t overly worry.

I’m a bully now?

Well aren’t you a treat.

I’m allowed to object when someone accusing me of shouting.

That’s what I’ve done.

My ds has asd - sometimes I’ve had to be the cross angry mum to protect him.

I don’t like it but I like it less when he’s a self harming mess because people don’t care enough to even try.

Oh for fuck's sake, OP sounds lovely (or she wouldn't be worrying about having raised her voice), but all the contrarians are out accusing her of shouting/abuse/tearing her hair out and her clothes off and running round the classroom in a Dionysian frenzy.

OP: everyone gets frustrated sometimes, and when something really, really matters it's normal for that to come out as a slightly more strident tone of voice than you would use in other situations. It's OK. Confrontation/assertion is a part of life - the secret is knowing how to resolve it healthily.

Oh for fuck's sake, OP sounds lovely (or she wouldn't be worrying about having raised her voice), but all the contrarians are out accusing her of shouting/abuse/tearing her hair out and her clothes off and running round the classroom in a Dionysian frenzy.

OP: everyone gets frustrated sometimes, and when something really, really matters it's normal for that to come out as a slightly more strident tone of voice than you would use in other situations. It's OK. Confrontation/assertion is a part of life - the secret is knowing how to resolve it healthily.

I didn't accuse you of shouting but if you shout again you may be barred, but this is totally not me accusing you of shouting

Its not nice to be out of your comfort zone OP, but it sounds like it was needed. I've had to be very firm with our school sadly after a teacher decided they knew better than DDs consultant. They're a lot more attentive now, and it felt awful but they put DD at risk through pigheadedness.

You are not a bully at all OP, the fact that you are in here fretting and feeling guilty about how you came across despite your child having been badly let down shows that.

I understand, the months and years of banging my head against a brick wall with many professionals about my ASD son means I’m a bit hair trigger too. Not lost it yet however emotions run so high.

I do think it’s a good idea to apologize to the teacher though. Explain. By person or letter or email.

I think we have to bear in mind that teachers, professionals, are very under resourced, often just not skilled enough too. Sometimes it’s just not the right environment. In short, it’s crap for our kids and we must fight, but fight smart! Sorry you probably know all this. Hugs anyway. You must be conscientious and non aggressive generally to feel so guilty. Maybe you need a bit of de stress time too. If you can.

notso, do not let this put you off standing up for your child's needs. Sometimes, and this may not be the case here but you should be aware it's a possibility, people deliberately try to put you on the back foot by reacting to assertive tones as if you were shouting. Or they're nervous of an encounter because they feel they were in the wrong, and are poised ready with their "dealing with difficult conversations" training strategies. It seems possible someone was nervous about this one, heads are usually hard at work not hovering outside meetings. You did the right thing to apologise if you felt your voice might have been loud, now move on and keep talking to them all as much as you need to to get the problem sorted.

Perhaps a follow up email to head and teacher thanking them for getting involved and detailing what was agreed and what you expect next steps to be.

I agree with the pp that a positive follow up email with 'next steps' agreed and a thank you is a good way forward.