To leave 14 year old daughter to sort it herself??

[Ginmakesitallok]

Dd is going on school trip - leaving Friday night. She has taken NO responsibility for anything yet. I had to call the school yesterday to get details of drop off/pick up times, luggage requirements, pocket money details etc because (despite having multiple meetings during school time) she kept forgetting to ask 😕. For the past 3 or 4 weeks I've been asking if she needs anything - did shop for new boots etc at weekend.

Tonight I've asked ter to sort out what she's taking - do I can get washing done. She just stood beside me on her phone while I got things out for her. I lost it and told her to do her own washing. She then apologised. I asks her again to sort out what she's bringing. Apparently she doesn't have anything. She doesn't want to bring anything I suggest.

I've had enough. I called her a selfish ungrateful madam. She can sort it herself. I was going to go get her passport etc sorted. Bug she can do it herself.

I am so angry!

I hope packing went well OP and that your DD has a brilliant time.

I went on a school trip (to London) when I was 14, I remember writing my own list and packing 99% of my stuff (with mum checking and folding certain items of clothes as I didn't seem to have the coordination to do that very well embarrassingly). But I did the most of it myself. I did a lot of growing up on that trip, I had to.

I say, if the skill hasn't been learned already, the teen years are the perfect time to learn it. And that goes for anything.

My DCs are young, but I involve them in packing..

It's easy to have them empty their well stocked drawers into a holdall. Remind me, who keeps their drawers well stocked?

God yes though, they need to actually pack their own bags. At least then there's a glimmer of hope that they might remember they have clean underwear and socks to change into.

You know, if you help your children during the teenage years, washing, cooking, helping packing, and yes, getting them to help out, it doesn't scar them for life

If they are acting like the OPer's DD and you have power struggles with them while trying to do all that for them, it sure as heck isn't helping them.

I think that there are lots of "right" ways to raise a child, and in the end, if we do their laundry or have them do themselves is not a make it or break it issue.

BUT, the OP's scenario, the easiest solution is just to butt out of the power struggle and let her do it for herself.

"I've never met anyone in real life who makes everyone in the house do their own washing."

This is a peculiarly Mumsnet thing. I picture all these families doing individual mini loads of washing, queuing up in the kitchen to make their own packed lunches (each one carefully putting everything away and washing up everything they use for the next person to get out when it's their turn), ignoring the postman knocking on the door before setting off to school and work - both parents going to the same workplace but in separate cars (driving past the children's schools on the way, but only giving them a lift if they have to take a full sized model elephant with them). And then coming home to each cook their own individual dinner.........

From the time they were 12, my kids did their own laundry once a week. Part of the reason we started it is because my older DD has special needs and it takes her longer to learn things than most people, and her therapist wanted her to start learning "life skills." It really wasn't that big of a deal, so the next summer her younger sister started washing her own things.

Sometimes they would combine loads together, or I would do all the towels and they would just do their clothes. It really wasn't a big deal for them to wash, fold, and put away their clothes.

I'm curious what would happen if other parents just required their teens to wash a load of cold water wash once a week: all their jeans, bright colored things, etc., and put anything that couldn't go in that load in the family wash. I think for many teens, that would be a decent sized load. I don't see the point of providing laundry service to able bodied people, but I can see that one load of undies might have plenty of room for the whole families.

My teens each had one night a week they were responsible for making dinner for the family. Again, my older DD's therapist felt she needed to learn "life skills". They had to plan the meal and write the ingredients on the shopping list. (I cooked the other nights). We weren't all living in separate bubbles, but I did actively teach "life skills."

There's more than one right way to raise a child.

I actively teach life skills as well. But the life skills I value most are kindness, thoughtfulness, cooperation and living in a community. It's not hard to learn how to cook dinner or use a washing machine. It is hard to learn how to cook a dinner everyone likes, at a time that suits everybody and in a way tht makes everyone feel happy and welcome at the table. It is hard to learn how to make sure you have a full load when you use the washing machine and that everyone who might need something washed has the chance to put their stuff in too. It's not hard to make a packed lunch. It is hard to notice if someone's running late, or would appreciate having theirs made too.........

BertrandRussell -- I honestly don't understand the point of your post.
Yes, being nice and kind are the foundation that everything else rests on. But back to the OP, when an adolescent is behaving badly and getting into power struggles, just exiting is the kindest thing we can do. We can only exit if they know how to use the washing machine.

I taught my 12 year old with a pervasive developmental disability to wash her own clothes. There is no reason in the whole world for the parent of a typically developing 14 year old to be getting into power struggles with them over their laundry.

It isn't nice. It isn't kind. It isn't good parenting.

Laundry isn't rocket science.

Cooking a basic dinner at a set time isn't rocket science either.

Teaching our kids that their best is good enough and to let go of perfectionism is kind. We can only do that if we let go of the idea that only we can do all this stuff because they can't do it the right way.

Yet again I agree with you Bertrand.

I'm in a similar boat to Kitten. DD is in the final push towards A levels. Along with her voluntary work and the suspected CFS (for which she is being treated) I don't expect her to do her own washing as well. She does do a lot of cooking already though. I want to support her not pile on more pressure.

Doing any thing more for a child than they actually need to have done for them is just as hurtful as doing too little.

O boy this is tragic. I mean I get what I think you're trying to say about building independence etc but I don't want my children growing up thinking nobody will do anything for them and they don't need to do anything for anyone else. They don't need to learn 6o do their own washing, they need to learn to do the washing. Just like they don't need to learn to wash their own dishes but to wash the dishes. They don't need to learn to cook their own dinner but to cook dinner.

I tell my children we have to work together as a team to make our family function. I'm not training them to do all their own stuff but to do what is needed to keep the household running smoothly.

So I often do all the family washing, the kids often do all the family dishes and dh often does all the family hoovering.

There's nothing wrong in dojng the washing for a 14 yr old.

Bertrand I love your post!

I don't want my children growing up thinking nobody will do anything for them and they don't need to do anything for anyone else

My kids don't. It's one of the things that my DD who is now at uni has commented on -- how loved and supported she feels and how many of her peers don't have that. She knows that she is completely and unconditionally loved.

I didn't get into stupid power struggles during the teen years. The posts disagreeing with me aren't addressing that at all. There comes a point when doing MORE for our teens isn't loving. If it is leading to power struggles, it's time to back off and let them do it for themselves.

Teens do not feel more loved because their mothers are standing over them telling them to put down their phones and help pack.

One of the best messages we can give our teens is that we believe in them. We have confidence in them. The message that "I have to do this for you because you won't do it the right way" is not helpful. The message that "oh, you made a little mistake but you learned from it and it worked out fine anyway" is actually really, deeply helpful.

Part of the problem with always doing everything together (which is what we did when the kids were younger) is that is means that the teen never takes the mental load for the task. Mom is still in charge of deciding what laundry needs to be done and when it is started and noting that it is now time to fold. My kids learned that Sunday afternoons they needed wash their clothes and complete all the task for that. They learned they could throw their wash in, and study. Then move it to the dryer, and study. And then take 10 minutes to fold it and put it away. It isn't a big deal, and it isn't worth getting into a power struggle over.

There are lots of right ways to raise kids.