To leave 14 year old daughter to sort it herself??

[Ginmakesitallok]

Dd is going on school trip - leaving Friday night. She has taken NO responsibility for anything yet. I had to call the school yesterday to get details of drop off/pick up times, luggage requirements, pocket money details etc because (despite having multiple meetings during school time) she kept forgetting to ask 😕. For the past 3 or 4 weeks I've been asking if she needs anything - did shop for new boots etc at weekend.

Tonight I've asked ter to sort out what she's taking - do I can get washing done. She just stood beside me on her phone while I got things out for her. I lost it and told her to do her own washing. She then apologised. I asks her again to sort out what she's bringing. Apparently she doesn't have anything. She doesn't want to bring anything I suggest.

I've had enough. I called her a selfish ungrateful madam. She can sort it herself. I was going to go get her passport etc sorted. Bug she can do it herself.

I am so angry!

But you do sound smug kerala.

Unfortunately my teen is really scatty. As she also suffers from anxiety, one way of dealing with it is to minimise anything that exacerbates it by aiding DD with her packing by giving her a list.

I'm so envious of parents with rounded, anxiety free confident children.

I usually give a deadline for washing to be ready in time to pack, about 2 days beforehand. Anything not in the basket won't be done.

I think you might be the exception kerala. My 11 year old DSS would manage to pack his tablet, a book and some Pokemon at best.

I see nothing wrong with doing your teenager's washing; if it's in the laundry basket I expect I'll happily do it. But the responsibility for putting it in the basket should be theirs, with reminders every now and again. Especially before going away on holiday.

My daughter is a bit younger, but when nervous about something goes on a complete go- slow. She can be so excited and looking forward to something like a party but when it's time to get ready she just drags her feet, does something else, gets cross if spoken to etc. I wonder if there is a bit of anxiety going on with your daughter?

This. My guess is she is in such a state about not having the 'right' clothes she is burying her head in the sand,

This all sounds horribly familiar. My daughter and I had about 7 arguments in the lead up to her last school trip. I feel your pain!

Hmm sorry about perceived smugness. Dd1 is a very precise conscientious person (not inherited from me ). Dd2 is a scatterbrain fliittery type so am in no doubt that the behaviour is more likely personality type thing rather than reflection on parenting...

Of course you should do all the washing together, it makes no sense for different family members to do theirs separately.
But your daughter is 14, not 5. She can put it together ready for you, she can put it in the basket or however you do it. I don't see at all why you are chasing around after a 14 year old girl to get her to prepare for a school trip that she's not had to pay a penny for, when she can't be bothered.

When my 14 year old self and my friends went on very rare school trips, we paid towards them using money from paper rounds and our Saturday jobs. To think that we used to deal with customers, organise our work schedules, handle money, get up early and arrive on time, ensure our uniforms were washed and we would iron them ourselves, ensure we were paid on time - all by ourselves. Yet this 14 year old can't even pack her suitcase for a trip and has a Mummy running round doing everything for her.

My little niece (8) has been packing since she was 3. No kidding! Sometimes of course not suitable, but she gets excited about holidays and trips, and weeks before she has her trunkie and starts packing her favourite clothes and things. Then, it was party dresses and some cuddlies.

Of course, her mum usually has to repack, but recently she just needs to double check - last summer for her holidays she was 80% of the way there!

I reckon it's mostly because SHE (the child) is herself controlling and likes being in charge of her own stuff. Since she was a toddler and didn't want help putting on shoes! It always cracks me up! I find it hilarious.

I think she should be responsible enough to do it on her own. If not, it's about time you should teach her responsibilities she will be thankful for when she gets old.

Good to know Kerala

At 14 I'd tell her to do it herself if she can't tell you what she needs. DD 10 went on a residential school trip last July, and I sorted everything. I'd expect cooperation from a 14 year old.

Remain WTF has that got to do with it? She only wants her to tell her what she needs.

she won't die from lack of clean socks I don't think DD changed her shorts for 5 days, and she was on a farm! 😷

It didn't bother me tuppence doing laundry, packing, acting as a taxi service, whatever. That's what child raising entails surely?

No, during the teen years "child raising" means helping them develop independence and life skills.

If you spend the teen years doing everything for them, you fail them. The goal should be to provide enough scaffolding and help so that by 17 or 18, they can do every single thing for themselves and don't need you.

Rhoda my ds has asd and I do the same for him! I find the A4 sandwich bag for each day helps him break it down into manageable chunks.
One day I’m hoping he’ll write the actual list himself!

This is a difficult age though. Some children can pack easily from 8/9 and some don’t develop the forward thinking skills of what might be needed until later on.
I agree write a list and say “washing in laundry by x time” “tick when you’ve got it” guide but don’t actually do.

Of course you should do all the washing together, it makes no sense for different family members to do theirs separately.

Why ever not?

"Why ever not? "

Why do you even need to ask that question?
I wash the following items together:
towels
bedding
dark clothes
Light colours

If we each did our own washing only the loads in the machine would be very small and therefore uneconomical and bad for the environment.

My 11 year old can do this. That's not a criticism.
I just suggest you step right back. If necessary a deadline for washing/ drying clothes.

Hi OP I have a 14 year old DD too and know the frustrations all too well.

I would remove her phone until she has packed her bag and put all her washing that she's taking by the machine. Then I would do a quick check, asking about chargers etc.

My teen doesn't even hear me if she has her phone in her hand. I won't talk over her head so I just take it until whatever I've asked has been done.

If we each did our own washing only the loads in the machine would be very small and therefore uneconomical and bad for the environment

My washing machine is high efficiency and weighs each load and then adjusts its self.

Both of my kids as teens managed to create an entire load of darks all by themselves each week. No school uniforms, so jeans and tees for an adult size person.

I also taught the kids to wash their towels and sheets together as one load, which made a reasonable sized load.

Doing any thing more for a child than they actually need to have done for them is just as hurtful as doing too little.

DD makes enough dark laundry in a week, but not enough light washing. One towel and bedding for a single bed isn't enough to make up a load. I think everyone in a family doing their own washing is a ridiculous idea. Obviously it is different in a flat share or student let.

Also, my washing machine isn't that sophisticated. It is at least 14 years old.

We are another everyone puts their washing into one basket then 4 loads a week for a family of 3. We don’t use a tumble drier so drying umpteen mini loads of washing would be a nightmare time wise. With dd out of the house 7am until 6pm I don’t give a stuff if helping her out in term time is seen as pandering, she can help me out in school holidays.

I packed for myself through the teenage years. At 14, I was packing my DoE expedition rucksack. I did learn a lesson on a school trip at 17 underestimating the Mediterranean climate- I hadn't anticipated how much I would need warm clothes during an unseasonable cold storm and have since always packed something warm as back-up.

My DCs are young, but I involve them in packing. I make sure their drawers are well stocked and tell them that they need x number of pants/ t-shirts/ shorts etc. I've been on too many youth trips away where children haven't been involved and haven't got a clue what they have with them (or lost...) I remember being incredulous with my mate after her A level field trip when she blamed her mum for having greasy hair because she'd washed it in conditioner all week as her mum had made an error with the shampoo.

Children need to enter adulthood having been trained up over time with the skills to be adults.

You know, if you help your children during the teenage years, washing, cooking, helping packing, and yes, getting them to help out, it doesn't scar them for life. Two of mine are at university and in spite of being mollycoddled at home they manage to cook, wash their clothes & pack up at the end of term/end of the holidays.
And isn't it part of being a family, helping each other out (and yes, teaching them to be independent)? I've never met anyone in real life who makes everyone in the house do their own washing.