To leave 14 year old daughter to sort it herself??

[Ginmakesitallok]

Dd is going on school trip - leaving Friday night. She has taken NO responsibility for anything yet. I had to call the school yesterday to get details of drop off/pick up times, luggage requirements, pocket money details etc because (despite having multiple meetings during school time) she kept forgetting to ask 😕. For the past 3 or 4 weeks I've been asking if she needs anything - did shop for new boots etc at weekend.

Tonight I've asked ter to sort out what she's taking - do I can get washing done. She just stood beside me on her phone while I got things out for her. I lost it and told her to do her own washing. She then apologised. I asks her again to sort out what she's bringing. Apparently she doesn't have anything. She doesn't want to bring anything I suggest.

I've had enough. I called her a selfish ungrateful madam. She can sort it herself. I was going to go get her passport etc sorted. Bug she can do it herself.

I am so angry!

Mine both packed for our summer holiday. 12 and 13. I did passport and ticket stuff. 12 took far too many books and homework(!) and the 13 didn't pack enough t-shirts or any socks. We were doing a fair bit of travelling in a hot humid country with Intrepid. No fuss was made and she borrowed stuff and as a souvenir she chose some pretty clothes at a street market. Don't be too hard on your DD, she's still very young and it's not really the end of the world is it? If she wants your help give it, if not stand back and just make sure she has the essentials with her like passport and money. I would have made sure everything was all clean anyway.

At 14 my oldest daughter went off to boarding school. She came home for a long weekend once a month, for which she had to pack with no help from any adults. She also had to do her own laundry while at school.

First weekend she came home with no PJs or knickers.

Second weekend she came home (to Boston in late November) with no winter coat or socks.

Third weekend - by this stage it was December and snowing - she remembered pretty much everything :-)

BeALert - a friend's DS did the same first half term he came home from boarding school. Didn't pack any underwear!

StaplesCorner - agree. I once went on a holiday and had forgotten to pack any underwear for me. Packed everything else for me and DS (although probably should have got him to do his own - he was 2 so old enough surely). We were driving around Bulgaria so shops were few and far between and I'm not exactly an easy size to find. Ended up buying washing powder and washing my underwear out every night!

My dad came to stay and forgot socks. Happens to the best of us.

At 14 if you are not used to packing for trips some help is useful. But it's frustrating when they are so engrossed in phones etc and not actually helping themselves.

I tend to make sure I'm up to date on DS's washing a couple of days before a trip and warn him to put anything he wants to take in the washing so I can get it done and dried.

If there is a list i go through to make sure we have everything needed. He packs himself now and then I help him double check he has everything.

Then he comes back having not worn any of the clean underwear!

My 12 year old has been packing her own stuff since she was about 8 years old. I used to do a quick check, but she is so organised that I hardly need to. I just check verbally "Have you got X, Y?" She rarely forgets anything though.

These things do need training so I've beem training mine to pack for years. It started with me drawing the items on a list before thry could read so we could pack together. Them we wrote the list together and I checked their bags. Now they're both under 14 but they pack themselves and do their own lists. But i wouldn't expect them to be able to do that if we hadn't built up to it.
In this case I would make sure we were up to date with the washing so everything was clean then sit her down with me to write her list. Then I'd leave the rest to her.

But anyway the OP has said everything's fine now so presumably it all got done somehow.

"Of course on MN, even at 18+ offspring are still babies who need everything done for them."

Actually on Mumsnet doing anything to help a child over the age of about 11 to do anything is greeted with wholly unrealistic outrage and ridicule.......

Exactly Bertrand

My thoughts exactly Bertrand.

I would take it DD doesn't want to go on the trip.

I'd leave her to it, reminding her to take underwear, a tooth brush, and her passport.

My theory is that if it doesn't kill them, then it is a life lesson and they'll be wiser for it.

(Both of my DDs became more reasonable human beings once they reached about 15).

I would get out a suitcase and suggest things she might want to take but leave it up to her.

I cetainly wouldn't be doing a 14 year olds washing for her but, as others have said, if she's been used to you doing that for her then it's a bit harsh to suddenly stop just before she goes away.

Get her to write a checklist of items if you can - wash stuff, chargers, travel plugs etc as well as clothes. Even better, ask her to get a friend who's going on the trip to take a photo of the kit list/instructions and send it to her.

Manh years ago I managed to go away for 4 days without packing knickers for myself although had packed everything for the dc. I also recently went to Madrid for 5 days with my mum and neither of us remembered to pack a travel plug. We are 50 and 75 . But in both cases I found a shop and bought the required items. I'm sure your dd will manage to botrow/buy stuff if she's forgotten anything.

I cetainly wouldn't be doing a 14 year olds washing for her

In our house everything goes into the washing basket, gets sorted into lights and darks, and washed. I wouldn't expect my son to do his own washing when I've got things to do for me and DH, as well as household stuff like sheets.

My 14 year old went on a school trip in Oct half term and I packed for him (though I told him to pack his small rucksack with the books etc he wanted). The school already had the passport and EHIC anyway. But I would have forgotten an adaptor and he went off and found it, so he's not completely useless ;)

I don't think packing needs training. My mum did my packing for me for school trips overseas, but I worked it out pretty quickly when I had to do it for myself. It's not a skill like cooking, which is much easier if someone shows you. Packing is packing. You have a kit list, you go and find the things on it, you put them in a suitcase/bag. Done.

I forgot knickers once, too. Fortunately I was staying in Edinburgh, 5 mins walk from M&S on Princes St, so it was fine, just bought another pair.

Perhaps the answer is to leave your DCs totally to their own devices once they're 14?
Weird attitudes for bringing up children on here...
It didn't bother me tuppence doing laundry, packing, acting as a taxi service, whatever. That's what child raising entails surely?

So everyone does their own washing in your house Emma?

How wasteful. Everyone in our house outs their dirty laundry in the laundry basket and like items get washed together.

I remember a summer holiday with a 14 year old who packed 5 pairs of jeans and only 1 pair o socks and pants. He had to wash pants and socks by hand every night. Packing worked a treat ever since.

I agree with My OtherProfile, children need training to do these things. I find it miserable when people moan about their kids, especially when, in my opinion, quite often the predicaments could have been avoided had the posters been a bit more reflective of their parenting. And how grim that people advocate 'learning the hard way' at 'the school of knocks'. I'm glad the OP reports that things are now resolved, and I hope her daughter has a wonderful time.

Would you expect the same level of personal responsibility from your son?

WTF is with this question?

Presume you know where she's going , for how long and what she might be doing . If so how about writing a list of things to take ie enough pairs of socks knickers outfits etc along with charger and phone toiletries then leave it to her ? As for washing I do everyone's washing and ironing of things that require ironing but I do expect all to transfer their dirty items to the washing machine as I'm not going to look for items .

I cetainly wouldn't be doing a 14 year olds washing for her but, as others have said, if she's been used to you doing that for her then it's a bit harsh to suddenly stop just before she goes away

At what age do people stop washing for their kids? Am I missing something here? Nothing wrong with getting them to put a wash on or help out but separate laundry for everybody in the house sounds like a right PITA.

Take the phone off her and do it together. Explain how much money this has cost you and that it's time she acted responsibly. Draw up a list together and get it done together. It'll take a couple of hours tops. Use it as time to chat about how she's of an age now to start getting things sorted herself.

My year 7 11 year old did all her own packing and thinking for the residential she is on. Not being smug maybe there is a mid teen regression?!

I'm with you JustHope I expect to continue doing laundry while my kids live at home but I also expect some help, not separate laundry.

I have a ready made packing list for holidays. Print it off about a week in advance and hand to said dc to get stuff out. Depending on age assess pile for shortages and remedy or get dc to remedy. At some point in this process dc will notice if stuff needs washing and I'll do it.

At two days ahead and age 14 I think I'd just supply passport and ensure toothbrush/toothpaste/shower gel and leave dc to do the rest.

KERALA1 in our case there was. Although I think it's more a case of being too engrossed in other things combined with knowing absolutely everything and being generally less biddable that caused the dip in packing performance, rather than regression iykwim.

See also, household chores, cooking etc.