To leave 14 year old daughter to sort it herself??

[Ginmakesitallok]

Dd is going on school trip - leaving Friday night. She has taken NO responsibility for anything yet. I had to call the school yesterday to get details of drop off/pick up times, luggage requirements, pocket money details etc because (despite having multiple meetings during school time) she kept forgetting to ask 😕. For the past 3 or 4 weeks I've been asking if she needs anything - did shop for new boots etc at weekend.

Tonight I've asked ter to sort out what she's taking - do I can get washing done. She just stood beside me on her phone while I got things out for her. I lost it and told her to do her own washing. She then apologised. I asks her again to sort out what she's bringing. Apparently she doesn't have anything. She doesn't want to bring anything I suggest.

I've had enough. I called her a selfish ungrateful madam. She can sort it herself. I was going to go get her passport etc sorted. Bug she can do it herself.

I am so angry!

My DD was like this, leaving everything to the very last minute last minute. Even the laundry, and we don't have a tumble dryer. Several times she went away either wearing damp jeans or trying to dry them with her hairdryer.
Step back and let her learn.

Yup, if she forgets her phone charger that will be a swift lesson learnt!

Perhaps she will be like DD1's 15yo friend on their recent residential, who carefully packed his phone charger ....... but left his phone at home. Teenage disaster!!!!

When DD was 13/14 she went through a phase like this - completely rely on mum and then complain about stuff not being exactly how she wanted them.
When she was due to go on a school trip, I made a list 2 nights before:
1/ things I will help her with if she asks on time (washing, shopping etc).
2/Things I think she needs to do to be ready (she's free not to do them but can't complain afterwards)
3/ What she needs to take with her (based on list from school + my mum sense)
I wrote all of these down on a piece of paper very clearly, and gave the paper to her. It worked well.
I might go back to writing her notes instead of talking to her now she's 15 and impossible to talk to

14 is still a child who needs guidance. You’ve paid money for a trip and you apparently know nothing about it? You have no idea what you’ve paid for? You’ve not even tried to find out?

How can you expect a 14 year old to know all these things about trips and packing when they’ve never done it before? Isn’t this supposed to be an opportunity for you to teach them? Why step back when they’ve never done something before and let them fuck up so they have a miserable trip without a phone charger/appropriate clothes etc?

How can you expect a 14 year old to know all these things about trips and packing when they’ve never done it before?

Because by 14 she's most likely definitely done it before. She's 14, not 8.

She's obviously distracted by something else. Hide her phone. Change the Wi-Fi code. Say she gets it back when she's completed her list of things to do. Nothing wrong with teaching her rather than not enjoying an expensive trip!

If your DD really wanted to find out what was needed she could ask a friend or a teacher. Is this a ski trip by any chance OP? Might be a bit tricky for her if she needs specific things. If she forgets her phone or charger - that will be a big lesson.

Yolo not all 14 year olds have done all their packing for a school trip before

We've agreed she'll do a list of what she needs - and I'll add anything else I think she'll need. She'll then pack.

Hatesummer - of course I've found out! I called school yesterday!

And no - it's not a ski break or anything that she'll need equipment for

Yolo not all 14 year olds have done all their packing for a school trip before hmm

That is genuinely surprising.

I thought it was pretty normal to start doing these things for yourself before your teen years.

Our girl is 8 and packs her own case. Bloody sure I won’t be doing it for her when she is 14. And if she tells me the night before that stuff needs washing, she’ll take it dirty or go without. Maybe then she’ll learn she has to be organised.

Does she have form for this, do you always pick up the slack?

Some 14 year olds have never been on holiday or a school trip. Not every child is so fortunate.

My dd went on a school trip when she was 9. She won’t be going again until she’s 12. Between 9 and 12 I’ll expect her to forget what she did last time. Kids forget. I don’t understand why you’d want to sabotage a child’s whole trip to teach them a lesson. Sounds horrible.

I feel like I'm missing something. You couldn't make the parent's info evening so are expecting your DD to chase the school to get the information that was missed because you didn't attend the meeting.
I'd be making the extra effort to help her get organised rather than stealing the sunshine from the trip by making everything a stress tbh.

My daughter is a bit younger, but when nervous about something goes on a complete go- slow. She can be so excited and looking forward to something like a party but when it's time to get ready she just drags her feet, does something else, gets cross if spoken to etc. I wonder if there is a bit of anxiety going on with your daughter?

mmm... how much of a fortune did you pay? That would influence how much I did. They can wear one outfit day & night for the entire trip, that's true. But I would probably insist on a toothbrush b/c I care about that more than clean clothes.

Two of mine are very organised & another needs handholding to pack. I don't mind handholding as long as DS is pleasant about it.

Are you sure she actually wants to go?

I think I would expect a 14 year old to be able to pack for herself; my 5 year old DD2 made a very good stab at packing her bag herself! At the very least she should be making the effort to get ready, then if she can't find something she needs she can ask you.

I was also going to ask if she really wants to go. Sounds like she doesn't.

Yes she wants to go. She's just being lazy and expecting me to do everything.

It’s so upsetting when something that’s supposed to be exciting and fun becomes such a boring hideous chore.
Just start again sort it out together if you can
She’ll soon be off on much greater adventures before you know it that you will have little to no involvement in
They all grow up and manage it soon enough
If you get into this confrontation you’ll only feel bad when she’s gone
Experiance talking here
Hope she has a wonderful time and you have time to enjoy a bit of respite xx

I also think that at 14 years old, it's not unreasonable that she will need help and guidance over packing and what she should take with her

Everything's fine again.