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AIBU?

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Original poster

To leave 14 year old daughter to sort it herself??

137 replies

Ginmakesitallok · 29/11/2017 19:38

Dd is going on school trip - leaving Friday night. She has taken NO responsibility for anything yet. I had to call the school yesterday to get details of drop off/pick up times, luggage requirements, pocket money details etc because (despite having multiple meetings during school time) she kept forgetting to ask 😕. For the past 3 or 4 weeks I've been asking if she needs anything - did shop for new boots etc at weekend.

Tonight I've asked ter to sort out what she's taking - do I can get washing done. She just stood beside me on her phone while I got things out for her. I lost it and told her to do her own washing. She then apologised. I asks her again to sort out what she's bringing. Apparently she doesn't have anything. She doesn't want to bring anything I suggest.

I've had enough. I called her a selfish ungrateful madam. She can sort it herself. I was going to go get her passport etc sorted. Bug she can do it herself.

I am so angry!

OP posts:
RickOShay · 29/11/2017 21:43

I bet the ONLY thing she remembers to pack is her phone and charger Grin

DarklyDreamingDexter · 29/11/2017 21:43

My son is exactly the same. However frustrating it is, I definitely end up taking over and packing for him because if I didn't he'd leave without half the stuff he needed. Ok, so he might learn a lesson from it (I doubt it) but he'd go away on an expensive trip without essentials like a warm clothes, a coat,, toothbrush, shampoo or whatever and I'd worry he was cold/unwashed/unprepared etc. Some might tough luck, but I don't want my son to have a miserable time just to make a point.

Sensimilla · 29/11/2017 22:01

Yy darkly...both my dds are not like this at all. Both very enthusiastic packers. Will have bags packed a week before a trip. Reject all my offers of help, quite aggressively. I still check everything whilst they are asleep, to make sure essentials aren't missing/clothes are weather appropriate

LoniceraJaponica · 29/11/2017 22:08

DD is 17 and gets everything out that she needs, but I have to make sure she remembers her medication. Forgetting that is not an option.

RhodaBorrocks · 29/11/2017 22:20

How did things get resolved OP?

My DS is 10 and hasn't been away since he was 8. As he has ASD and memory problems I got him to choose his outfits for each day, then we put them in labelled plastic bags, one for each day. At the end of the day he'd bung the dirty clothes back in the bag and into his case. We used the list provided by school - I made him put a tick next to everything he packed on the way there and told him to tick everything he put in on the way back. Result was he came home with everything and has now used that system for a family holiday and will do it again for his next school trip in the spring. He may have problems, but I'm determined to teach him ways to cope and be independent in the future. I don't function without a written to do list, so why would I expect him to? But he needs to be taught first.

CremeBrulee · 29/11/2017 22:26

She need to learn how to pack by the sounds of it. This is a great opportunity to learn. I have a DD the same age, she’d walk barefoot over coals before she’d let me pack her bag for her and is highly irritated if I try and run though a checklist with her.

Leave her to it. As long as she has her passport, toothbrush and a clean pair of pants she will survive.

FaintlyBaffled · 29/11/2017 22:37

If there's no special clothing required (eg skiing) then I would ask what she needs to be ready and washed.
Then just before she packs I would glide serenely around and put all her dirty clothes in the wash

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 29/11/2017 22:39

I would suggest that it might be best for you to help her learn how to pack herself/plan for the trip etc
Get her to take the packing list and make piles of stuff on floor.
All clothes in different piles for assessment.
Knickers, socks, pjs. tops, bottoms, shoes, outerwear etc
Then you can have a proper look and discuss and sort any problems together,
for years my DC did a pre-pack and then I had a look and made suggestions.
Best if you train her up....

somewhereovertherain · 29/11/2017 22:42

Have to say let her crack on. She should be able to pack for herself.

Saying that took our Dds to Alton towers for a few days and let them pack 9 and 8 at the time. Brought plenty of knickers but no socks.

Lost count of the trips they’ve done and packed for themselves from around 10. A good skill to have.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 29/11/2017 22:42

They're young for such a short time. 4/5 years and she'll be off to uni, out with her friends, absorbed in a relationship. Don't wish her grown and gone just yet, it'll happen soon enough. There's nothing to suggest she'll not cope as an adult if you don't whip her into shape at 14, she'll be fine because she has to be.

If she goes on her trip unprepared with shit clothes, no charger etc, then what should be a pleasurable and educational experience will be stressful and she'll blame you. If you help her, make sure she has what she needs for her time to be enjoyable, she'll not even acknowledge your part in it. Whatever you did to help will be forgotten, however, better that than a crap holiday that will be remembered for the wrong reasons and a grudge that she'll hold against you that is harder to forget. Also, why waste your money just to teach her a lesson?

Plenty of time to grow up and learn lessons. Make the most of her now.

TyrionLannistersShadow · 29/11/2017 22:48

Both my son's went on school trips abroad at age 14 and they packed their own bags then asked me to just check through it with them to make sure they'd got everything. That's what I would expect at 14, they're not babies!

YippeeTeenager · 29/11/2017 22:54

Oh Sleep, you sound lovely. Couldn’t agree more. It’s not a crime to still need help and a lot of parental patience at 14. Weird how on here all children post 12 are supposed to be able to do everything for themselves perfectly and independently, otherwise they are obviously completely spoiled and a lost cause. It just doesn’t work like that! They are still having to learn new skills (lots that most of us still haven’t perfected, like not putting things off till the last minute). Really glad you’ve got it sorted OP.

zzzzz · 29/11/2017 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShellyBoobs · 29/11/2017 23:07

Plenty of time to grow up and learn lessons. Make the most of her now.

Of course on MN, even at 18+ offspring are still babies who need everything done for them.

Sprogletsmuvva · 29/11/2017 23:21

Dirty clothing - not a problem. At 13 I sometimes used to forget to put stuff in the washing bin for my mum’s weekly washing bout (twin tub, so no chance of doing anything at other times). I’d just do a bit of hand washing of an evening to tide me over (and then my mum announced she wasn’t going to do my washing at all...). She can hand wash each item a day or so before she intends to use it. This sort of routine is useful to learn for things like backpacking trips, where you don’t get to carry a new outfit for each day.

StaplesCorner · 29/11/2017 23:21

Why not just help her? FFS they're young people, our own children, doesn't matter what age they are give them a hand. I hate this mean attitude - 14 year olds, 18 year olds, christ almighty I am 50+ and still fuck up the packing!

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 29/11/2017 23:26

Depends Shellyboobs. Everyone's different. For example, if I was putting on a dark wash, I'd select all dark clothing, not just my own. I'd not omit someone's stuff cause they never bother to do their own washing (my husband would stink)! If I'm cooking, I cook for everyone, as does my husband, no-one is left out because they never cook.

My husband doesn't go through the bin and remove any rubbish that's not his before he takes it out (why should my and the kid's rubbish get taken out when we never bother). The dog still gets his walk even though the lazy fucker does nothing all day but sleep and fart all day.

You do things for each other. It's called being a family.

BillywilliamV · 29/11/2017 23:27

Personally I wouldnt do anything that might jeopardise the possibility of getting my 14 year old dd out of the house for a few days Grin

LoniceraJaponica · 29/11/2017 23:32

"Of course on MN, even at 18+ offspring are still babies who need everything done for them."

My impression is that on MN everyone's child is completely independent by secondary school, and needs no input from their parents. They could even leave home if they had the money Hmm

Every child is different. I agree that deliberately setting up the girl to fail is just mean. I do think it is odd that the parent didn't chase up the school for details. DD is going to New York next year with school, and if there is an information evening about it I will jolly well make sure that one of us attends.

Italiangreyhound · 29/11/2017 23:45

OK, calm down, step back. She is your daughter and just because she is 14 does not mean she is able to do all the things people think she can do.

You do not need to do it all for her, but you can't leave her to her own devices.

Help her by insisting the phone goes elsewhere while you pack together, get her to find the items she wants while you check off a little list of what she would most likely need.

She will be away and you will probably miss her like crazy and she is perhaps a bit nervous. So don't be too hard on her. Kids these days know about and handle a whole bunch of stuff we never had to at 14 so it should be no surprise they can't necessarily do all the things you or I could at 14 (and I may well have forgotten my passport!)

Thanks
quizqueen · 29/11/2017 23:46

I wouldn't have agreed (and paid for ) her to go on the trip in the first place. She doesn't sound as if she deserves it and she only behaves like this because it's been allowed.

Italiangreyhound · 29/11/2017 23:47

StaplesCorner wise words indeed. I one went away for the weekend with no knickers!

GallicosCats · 29/11/2017 23:50

It seems odd that there's apparently no supporting paperwork or e-mails. Usually these things are sent out months in advance. I'm not the most organised but waiting till three days beforehand to check details with the school strikes me as cutting it fine. Teenagers do need support with planning and organisation. Apparently they don't get a handle on organising themselves till they're 25 or maybe never if you're anything like me.

tava63 · 29/11/2017 23:57

You didn't attend the school briefing. This is a big opportunity for your daughter and she will do a lot of growing up on thiis trip. Every teen I know has their head in their phone and is a pain getting organised - your daughter did apologise (pretty amazing) so I hope you can meet her half way. Can school email you list? Most gear is standard so prioritise a wash. Please support your daughter she is probably very anxious about this trip and needs active engaged guidance.

iBiscuit · 30/11/2017 00:16

Mine would have done a better job at 8.

At 14 however he was as hopeless as op's dd is now. He's better now thankfully - and appears to have regained the skills I was so smug about ten years ago Grin