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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

never been invited to my sons house.

107 replies

pinky12 · 28/11/2017 20:00

My son lived on his own fro 3 years before he got married and i use to see him regularly, and visit his flat, now he has been married 15 months i have not been to his place once, even though his wife and him come to see us regularly to have dinner at home or in a restaurant, and they are both happy for me and my husband to fork out on expensive gifts for them including holidays. Her parents live some distance away but they visit them often, what have i done wrong.

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 28/11/2017 20:02

Stop buying them expensive gifts and holidays for starters and meals out, etc.

Catinthecorner · 28/11/2017 20:03

So they visit you, have meals with you and take holidays with you and they visit her family.

I’m not seeing the issue?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 28/11/2017 20:03

SadThanks

Stop buying them gifts and meals for a start.
Some people might say that the couple tend to flock to the wife's parents ('a sons a son until he gets a wife' or some other such bollocks) rather than the son's, but TBH I don't think this washes as an excuse. How would you feel about asking them why they're so standoffish?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 28/11/2017 20:04

Also I take it your son is local to you?

YouNosyTwat · 28/11/2017 20:05

Invite yourself.
And stop buying them stuff if you're only going to throw it in their faces at every little blip.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/11/2017 20:06

Who visits who often? Are you saying your son visits his ILs or vice versa?

I wouldn't ask him why he was standoffish! That's one way to start a fight.

Are they a bit messy and prefer not to tidy up for guests but to go out instead?

flimp · 28/11/2017 20:06

Have you said, "can I come and visit?"

MinervaSaidThat · 28/11/2017 20:06

Yep, stop paying for expensive meals, holidays and presents.

Ask DS when are they having you over.

OldWitch00 · 28/11/2017 20:09

Could you let them know you’re driving by, interested in a visit at theirs and offer to bring something?

RavingRoo · 28/11/2017 20:09

Just ask to come round. You don’t have to stop the gifts if it makes you happy, but you do need to be explicit about your needs now else it will continue after they have kids.

TowerRavenSeven · 28/11/2017 20:09

Do you keep a really clean house and they don't and they would be embarrassed for you to see it? I had a friend like this.

Mince314 · 28/11/2017 20:11

I think you should say "is your house rrady for a visitor?"

loobybear · 28/11/2017 20:11

My DH's parents never come to visit ours even though they live really nearby. My parents live further away but come by regularly. The difference is that my family are very relaxed about visits and will just pop by unannounced or call and say they're coming without being invited (some people would hate that I know but we are not from the UK and it's very common in our culture). DH's parents on the other hand won't come round unless invited, which I don't always think to do because I am not used to needing to invite family and friends to my home unless for a specific event or reason, usually they just come round anyway.
Could there be anything like this in your situation? Maybe start calking your son and just telling him you are coming to visit if you think he would be ok with that?

laketaupo · 28/11/2017 20:12

I’m embarrassed to have my in laws Round /my dp’s siblings as I live in a housing association flat and they all live in expensive big houses. They do keep asking though, especially as we have just had a baby :(

Heelllpppmeeeee · 28/11/2017 20:12

Honestly, I hate my mil and Gil coming to my house. They are so anal and judgy I feel like I have to spend the whole morning cleaning before they get her ( and I'm not even that messy)

GinGeum · 28/11/2017 20:13

We don't really invite PIL's to visit, but mainly because they host more things at their house so we see them there regularly. MIL will pop in during the day if she's passing, but she hasn't been specially invited for that. Could it just be that because they see you regularly, they don't feel the need to invite you over? I agree that you should just say you'd like to visit them.

WonderTweek · 28/11/2017 20:13

Could they just have a tiny flat? We hardly ever have visitors as our house is very small whereas my mother-in-law has a huge country house and a lush garden and she is always inviting us round. It's nicer to hang out when you have some room. Halo

Bluntness100 · 28/11/2017 20:13

Why don’t you say when can I come see your house?

Chattymummyhere · 28/11/2017 20:18

Why do you need to go to their house? Surely it’s about seeing them not where you see them. Maybe your son sees your house as the hub the main home of the whole family.

Lweji · 28/11/2017 20:24

Do you happen to be just a tad judgemental?
Women don't usually like judgemental people visiting like my mum.

Why are you giving them expensive gifts and holidays, anyway? You sound like you expect something in return.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 28/11/2017 20:25

Just ask them "can I come round and see your house?". It sounds like you all get along well - they come and see you and spend holidays with you. They probably just think you are better at entertaining!

It's easy to drift into habits. I have some friends and relatives where I always go to theirs, some where they always come to mine - no real reason for it.

legolammb · 28/11/2017 20:26

Maybe they think they don't need to invite you? My parents will say 'we'll be in (your hometown) at the weekend' and I'll invite them over. Much more relaxed. They don't do it often, and always with notice, so not a problem. Whereas MIL is much more formal and would never say 'oh I'll be in your hometown' this weekend' even though she often comes to town for events. DP and I are both really busy, and I'll sometimes think 'we should invite your family for lunch' but we never really get round to organising it because it involves a more organised, formal process

TattyCat · 28/11/2017 20:28

When you used to visit regularly (just your son), did he invite you or did you just either turn up or let him know when you'd be visiting? Do you know whether your DS is wondering why you never visit any more?

It can be difficult when the dynamics change and not all 'children' think to invite their parents. I've lived away from my parents since I was just 19 and I'm nearly 50. In those years, I can count on one hand the times they've visited me, and since my DF died 3 years ago, my DM has no idea where I live, despite having a good relationship and daily contact. She's just never visited me, although I have even offered to drive her as it's quite a horrid journey from her to me. There's just no interest though.

I have 3 DSDs and one is living with her DP and in 4 years, we have had one invite (and I couldn't make it anyway!) - they always come to us. Things aren't always that black and white.

AnnabellaH · 28/11/2017 20:31

Because you are the JustNoMIL clearly. I wont have my MIL in our home either. Neither of us like her.

Ponzi · 28/11/2017 20:38

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