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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

never been invited to my sons house.

107 replies

pinky12 · 28/11/2017 20:00

My son lived on his own fro 3 years before he got married and i use to see him regularly, and visit his flat, now he has been married 15 months i have not been to his place once, even though his wife and him come to see us regularly to have dinner at home or in a restaurant, and they are both happy for me and my husband to fork out on expensive gifts for them including holidays. Her parents live some distance away but they visit them often, what have i done wrong.

OP posts:

Atenco · 28/11/2017 20:39

I never invited my MIL to my place because quite frankly I am embarrassed by the mess. But I loved her dearly. If you want to buy them presents and holidays do so, if you resent it, don't.

CurlyRover · 28/11/2017 20:40

Why can't you invite yourself?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 28/11/2017 20:41

How do you know they're happy for you to buy them expensive gifts? I always wonder when people say "oh well they were happy to accept"... When someone buys you a present you're supposed to say thankyou and pretend to be pleased aren't you? They may be embarrassed they can't reciprocate, or feeling as though you want to buy their time, or horrified that you're wasting your money on stuff they don't want, or any number of things. Or they might like the gifts and be unaware of what you expect in return.

But anyway, why are you asking us? Ask your son if you can come visit and if he says no, tell him you feel a bit hurt and is there a reason? And if it's something you've done you can apologise and fix it.

KatherinaMinola · 28/11/2017 20:44

MIL, is that you?

In our case it's because MIL is toxic - are you sure this isn't the reason?

Ponzi · 28/11/2017 20:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

KatherinaMinola · 28/11/2017 20:48

Bloody hell Ponzi! Can't you just say "it's not convenient"?

FlashTheSloth · 28/11/2017 20:54

Why don't you actually ask if they are free for a visit?

My MIL never visits us, always expects DH to go to her. We've been in our new house 3 years, she's been once, previous house was 6 years, she visited less than 5 times and that's including when we had a newborn. She knows where we live, she's free to ask, just as you are. Mine prefers to make snide comments in front of the DCs that make it out like it's me not letting her visit which is total crap.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 28/11/2017 20:54

Are they maybe embarrassed about the state of the house? when we moved in to my current house it needed a lot of work and it was about 18 months before we invited FIL round, my parents were ok because they have really low standards but FIL is very house proud, has a beautiful home and lots of money and DH was ashamed to let him see how much we were struggling (no carpets, really needed decorating etc)

If you had done something wrong they probably wouldn't both visit you regularly.

KatherinaMinola · 28/11/2017 20:56

If you had done something wrong they probably wouldn't both visit you regularly

I wouldn't be so sure about that. We visit MIL, partly as a family compromise to make sure she doesn't visit us.

SpringSnowdrop · 28/11/2017 21:02

These reactions to MILs are so depressing, OP there are plenty of MIL who are loved so much (mine for a start!) and I would just gently ask as I’d be hurt too in your position or at least would wonder why . They may well just love coming to yours.
(We found it hard having people at our first home as so small but still did always manage family- even if went out more than the other way round. Now in a bigger house we host more than go out so for us that was a factor)

Aweektilltheseason · 28/11/2017 21:04

Op what used to happen when you went over, ie how did he invite you or did you pop in? What's changed? Have you been kind to his wife, do you like her?

Same as previous poster, Mil is highly critical and negative and doesn't chat etc comes to see and judge house. Maybes your not easy to be around have you rearranged furniture, gone through her draws or basically... Done anything that you would not do as you a guest in a friend's home and certainly not without asking.

chocatoo · 28/11/2017 21:05

They wouldn't come and spend time with you if they didn't like you. How about organising a treat for you and your DIL and gently broach the subject with her...something along the lines of 'I'd really love to come and see your home, how about if I drop in for a coffee one day, would you mind? - I promise not to be judgemental!'
Maybe she thinks you don't want to!

Aweektilltheseason · 28/11/2017 21:06

Ponzi we too have done this to you avoid rouge parent!!

happygirly1 · 28/11/2017 21:13

It sounds like you otherwise have a great relationship with your son and his partner to be honest. To play devil's advocate, maybe he's sat at home wondering why you've never visited him?!

From what you've said, there doesn't sound to be a reason (related to you specifically) for him not inviting you round, as everything sounds lovely about your relationship besides this and you don't mention him having his inlaws round but not you.

Perhaps take the initiative, stop waiting for him to offer a formal invitation and ask when is a good time to visit. Good luck OP!

missyB1 · 28/11/2017 21:13

Shame people are so quick to assume OP must be a horrible Mil, but of course that’s the default position on mn.

I would casually suggest dropping in for coffee when it’s convenient for them, tell them you’re doing some baking and would love to bring some muffins over.

SandAndSea · 28/11/2017 21:14

they are both happy for me and my husband to fork out on expensive gifts for them including holidays.

Oh dear. You had my sympathy until I read this. Your attitude here doesn't sound nice at all. Please stop counting the cost of what you give them. Either give freely or not at all.

So, they visit you and your dil's parents - sounds equal. And they see you regularly, at home, for meals out and holidays. That sounds like quite a lot. Maybe they like to be couply when they're home and haven't thought to see you any more as they already see you quite a lot??

Ponzi · 28/11/2017 21:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MeadowHay · 28/11/2017 21:22

Do you invite them over really regularly, say once or more a week? Because maybe that's why they don't invite you back, because if they're already responding to your invitations to meet up once or more times a week, then they really don't need to see you any more times in a week (I'm not saying they can't, but I don't think it's unreasonable not to expect to see your grown-up children more than once a week), and if you always invite them to yours/invite them out before they've had a chance to invite you to theirs, then when would they invite you to theirs? Iyswim? Like, we usually see my parents about once a week and that is mostly at their house or going out, because DM usually invites us out/to their house for dinner each week. I'm not going to then invite them to our house as well because frankly I have other things to do and other people to see than spend both days of my weekend every week with my parents (given I work Monday-Friday as most people do). It's not that I wouldn't invite them, it's just they always seem to invite us first. Plus they have a large house and my brother and sister live there too, whereas we live in a small flat, and we feel it's easier for us as a young couple to travel to them, than to expect my middle-aged parents to travel to us.

DancesWithOtters · 28/11/2017 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scruffysquirrel · 28/11/2017 21:28

I love my MIL but the offers of visits to our home were very rare indeed when we first moved in, mainly because she turned into an interior designer when she set her foot inside, suggesting I rearrange furniture or can't you separate that big corner sofa Umm no, no we can't.
You would also think that were the only people in the northern hemisphere that don't want people to wear shoes in our home.
Every. Single. Time. She still makes a huge song and dance about having to slip off her pump shoes. Other than that she's the best MIL I could ask for so I've grown up a bit and ignore those flaws. so invite her often now!
You really should just ask your Son if he would mind you popping over as you just realised you haven't been over in a while. Hopefully there's nothing further to it op.

Bluntness100 · 28/11/2017 21:28

Yeah, actually I’m wondering if they are upset because you never visit them, seems a communication breakdown.

goose1964 · 28/11/2017 21:29

I've never been to my son's flat,but I suspect it's because it's a tip

cathyclown · 28/11/2017 21:35

They prefer going to visit you. That is fabulous. Embrace it.

I would much prefer to host rather than visit TBH.

It won't change now so just live with it. Getting a spidey feeling about a back story though I may obv be totally wrong.

grasspigeons · 28/11/2017 21:36

Oh! these responses are so sad.
I know some people have difficult mother in laws but its sounds like no one like their MIL on mumsnet.
My MIL has a key to our house and is always welcome because its her son's home. But she is normal.

Naillig222 · 28/11/2017 21:37

I’m wondering why the remark about them accepting gifts was made? Why give them gifts and then be bitter about it?
You say they visit often, I can’t see why that isn’t enough? Does it matter whose house you are at really?

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