Seat for pregnant woman on the train

[Bobbiepin]

DH came home and told me about what happened on the train, I have my opinion on this but would like to get others'.

DH was sat in the middle of the carriage, every seat was full, with women sitting in the priority seats. A pregnant woman got on at a later stop and a standing man told DH to stand. DH said that the women in the priority seats should give up their seat, as they are in the priority seats and closest to the woman rather than her moving half way down the carriage.

This man (who wasn't travelling with pregnant woman) then proceeded to shout at my DH telling him he should be ashamed of himself & 'Don't you know what chivalry is?'

DH responded that he believed in equality and that there's nothing wrong with asking a woman (especially ones in priority seats) to give up their seat. He did give the woman his seat but was a bit put out by the whole experience.

Was he BU by expecting that anyone could give up a seat? Or should he have moved without a fuss just because he is a man?

shouldn't be asked to move.

It's ridiculous to think people in priority seats should[n't] be asked to move? Have you thought that one through?

Yes.

I think it's much better to ask the carriage if anyone can give up a seat vs targeting one person to demand/ask they do, I once got asked to give up my seat when I was younger and gave it up as felt awkward getting into a back and forth about the fact I actually needed the seat and stood in complete pain for the rest of the journey like a complete lemon!

How unpleasant for the pregnant woman. I'm surprised no one else offered as this cringy exchange went on. And given how recent your pregnancy was I'm surprised he didn't have a bit more sympathy and goodwill. I'd be pretty upset if my DH behaved in this way.

I once heard a mother argue that her dcs (primary school age) were entitled to a seat on a bus more than an elderly woman because she had to pay for their bus ride - the elderly woman rode for free.

Ok wow that was some response. Just to clarify, my DH isnt some sort of MRA, far from. (He's actually cooking our dinner now, as he does every night). Those saying he's a twat etc, yeah definitely, you're so right, I'll start the divorce proceedings now...

Anyway, my point wasnt about whether he should or shouldn't have given up his seat, he did, even though the woman was half a train carriage behind him. I believe him when he says he didn't see her as he generally sleeps on the train as we're both up with a newborn for most of the night. My point was about whether shouty man was right to single him out as a man rather than asking those in the priority seats, anyone (including DH) else on the train & to speak on behalf of the woman who had nothing to do with him.

To be honest I think @shellyboobs has covered my opinion perfectly.

I have back, neck and knee problems and do find it hard to stand on the tube. However, having been pregnant (and HUGE) twice, I would offer my seat to someon3 heavily pregnant. Without thinking, or looking around for someone more able to.

Your dh wasn't bu to be pissed at yerman for targeting him and expecting him to give up his seat - it really sounds like it was because he's a man and ickle delicate ladies shouldn't be expected to stand. Either you ask those in the priority seats first, or the carriage as a whole. And on the whole "well, what if the people in the priority seats were disabled, you'd be very unreasonable to make them declare that" - well, what if the dh was disabled and didn't want to declare it? Yerman who told him to move is still in the wrong.

Your dh should have let a pregnant woman sit, that's what I would have done, but expecting a man to move just because he's a man is bs.

Completely agree on all points, RavenWings

Thank you @ravenwings! Agree with you totally.

How did your DH know that the people in the priority seats didn't need them?

Indeed. Also I would have just stood in this instance, don't see the need in making a fuss. the guy randomly asking Dh to stand was in the wrong too mind..but everyone seems to think its up to others to give up their seats. Or will just sit pretending to not notice someone in need needs to sit.

He should have stood up without a fuss. One of the other women in the priority seats might well have been pregnant.

In today’s climate of who gets which seat and who gets priority there and can you see if someone needs a seat in the first place, the only person I can make a judgement about is myself

Can I stand safely, happily and with no physical reason not to? Yes. So I do. Whenever I see a potential need (someone older, someone with a child, someone pregnant) or whenever I anticipate need (is it going to be busy? I won’t take a seat then).

Standing in a moving train/bus is good for your core, anyway.

OP, your husband was technically right but actually a bit of a whiny arse.

I think the whole lot of them acted like idiots. No one came out of it looking good and I don't think your dh can justify his behaviour by spouting a "principle" about equality.

If he wanted to make a point about the inequality of asking a man to stand, he could have had this debate after he stood up.

He does have a valid point but I think he felt embarrassed about being pulled up for not offering his seat so started blustering on about equal rights to make himself look justified.

That's my opinion! Enjoy your dinner anyway.

He didn't HAVE to give up his seat, no.
But we still live in a society where men are kind of expected to be little bit chivalrous. For ex:

• when a seat gets free in the tube and a man and a woman are standing in front of it, it is usual for the man to make a sign to the woman to indicate she can have it.
• when a man and a woman are in an elevator, the man usually lets the woman out first. Same for holding doors.

So, no your DH didn't HAVE to give up his seat, but IMO making a fuss about it made him look quite bad.

@DontOpenDeadInside I got on a bus when I was very visibly 8+ months pregnant, most seats taken by youngish healthy looking people. Everyone stared out the window or at their phones pretending not to see me. One woman using the priority seat got up and offered me to sit down - she had a brace on her leg and a crutch. Possibly the only person on that bus physically worse off than me.

Also at the Mothercare expectant parents event, limited seating, men taking up seats alongside their pregnant partners whilst there were pregnant women left standing. This is the kind of men that would argued about "equality" and "why me" with people worse off than them left standing

Your DH behaved like an arse. But I'd have said that about anyone frankly, male or female, or quibbled about giving up a seat when they are perfectly capable of standing. If your DH was not, and he'd said that, fair enough.

But urghhhh. There is no denying he behaved like an absolute twat. I would be mortified if either me, my DH or any of our children (female, as politeness should be universal) behaved like that.

DH responded that he believed in equality

He did what?

While a pregnant woman was standing there? Is he always such a drama queen?

@SueSueDonahue

I agree entirely.

In all my many years commuting, I am the only woman who has gotten up for a pregnant woman. Never seen another woman do it. I have seen men get up plenty. I think your DH had a good point and he shouldn’t have bowed to pressure. You shouldn’t sit on priority seats unless you are prepared to move for a less abled / pregnant / disabled person.

@floellabumbags Thank you.

I think the best outcome of this sorry tale after the standing guy had addressed DH and people had heard his pitiful response, would have been someone else immediately jumping up and saying "so sorry, didn't notice, please have my seat" to the pregnant lady, and defusing the situation for her. (To be honest, if there was a delay in the whole episode by more than a nano second, the other people ALSO sitting down are equally twats for not offering, male or female, if they were capable of standing.)

I just can't get over the fact that the DH saw the woman was pregnant and still didn't just jump up. I'd have liked him to have felt embarrassed by someone else giving a display of politeness. The person really embarrassed here was the pregnant woman instead.

miralis - people always bring "equality" into things like this, but that has nothing to do with it. It's perfectly possible for a man to be a gentleman without believing he is superior to a woman. My DH and every man I know seem to manage it. God knows what planet this DH is on.

@suesue & @Paisa DH did give up his seat, great job reading there.

The 'white knight' bloke who accosted the DH was a pompous twat. Have seen these types on public transport before, you get the impression that their motivations are less about helping fellow commuters and more about virtue signalling.

As a general rule if you sit in a priority seat and you don't need it you have an obligation to check who boards the train at each stop to see if they need it more then you.

UNDER DURESS and reluctantly from the sounds of it @bobbiepin

What does he want? A medal? He behaved like a twat.

I did read the post, and your subsequent ones. I would never, ever, ever back up my DH if he behaved like that. Or a female friend, or my own children. Basically, I'd judge anyone who behaved like that.