To have let rip at the school?

[MajorMam]

DS's (age 15) school just rang me telling that DS had taken an axe to school.

It was actually a polystyrene scythe Halloween prop. He shouldn't have taken it if course.

Aibu to think the Head of Year should have checked whether it was an actual axe before she rang me. I lost it a bit because since DS has started there (this September), they have been constantly ringing me about the most minor of behaviour infractions.

DS has SN with associated behaviour issues (not violence) and this is an SN school who were aware of his behaviour before he started BTW.

See there you are again Flowerpot. On the one hand you pretend to be asking neural questions and yet on the other, are clearly attempting to wind up a poster who has been through more than you could ever dream of. You might find your baiting amusing but I think there’s a special kind of oddness around those who deliberately wind up people who are going through a bad time of it as a result of their children’s disabilities. But of course your posts don’t read like you can see that. For you, it’s all about badly behaved children and poor parenting. Shameful.

I have no special needs experience. Schools need to provide a protective and nurturing environment for all students I think most people would agree on that. I'd be surprised at any school these days allowing a child to take in, never mind show/display any kind of replica style weapon. Even foam scythes that you get for Hallowe'en. In my opinion sending a note home, or calling you to say 'Johnny had a hallowe'en toy axe / scythe in today, we cannot have this and we have had to do the following... we need you to do..." would not have been unreasonable. Nor would a statement saying, this may seem like a trivial matter however we must take it seriously because of the impacts on...."

However the OP says she was called and told her son had taken an AXE into school. Just suppose there was a possibility it was a genuine axe, her heart would have hit the floor. To then say oh, it was a foam toy one, I think she'd probably exhale a large sigh of relief and a bit of a barrage as well. The difference in telling a parent that they have an axe and a hallowe'en toy in school is pretty immense. Especially if that child doesn't particularly follow 'usual' social norms. (excuse my clumsy wording, I have no desire to offend anyone and am mindful of my ignorance in this area)

OP, you ask "am I being unreasonable to have expected the HT to have checked whether it was a real axe before she called me" and no I don't. I would expect if she thought it was a real axe her first call would be to the police and then if ok'd by them, to you. If there was no danger an it was a toy then I'd expect her first call to be to you. But if you ask if the HT was unreasonable to notify you of him taking it to school, whether by phone, email, letter, chat at end of school day, then no, the head teacher is not unreasonable. You had to be notified one way or another.

Presumably the school don't see this as a minor thing as you do - what other kind of things have they contacted you about? It sounds like you are at the end of your tether with constant discussion over what you see as minor transgressions which his previous mainstream school managed to cope with without involving you to the same degree as his new one does.

I honestly don't get your issue here OP., it seems irrelevant that it was a fake axe. After all, you were fully aware of its fakeness and still knew he shouldn't take it to school and you told him not to. If they hadn't rung you you would not know that he had gone against you and sneaked it in. And a phone call seems pretty low key to me. It's not a letter home or a suspension.

The self harming thing is more serious, that definitely needs further attention. And don't just look at the school, perhaps things outside school or in the wider family circle are also troubling him.

It took 5 years to get help for DS.

It's not a competition.

And Flowerpot I don’t need to stalk you. I post on threads about kids with SN, because I have kids with SN. You’re there without fail, despite NOT having kids with SN. Weird.

lazyleo DS was once in trouble for being a PITA. At the end of the week he did an excellent piece of work and was awarded star of the week for it, theres a special assembly held so the parents are informed via a letter. I never got the letter as DS had squirreled it away thinking it was to do with him being in trouble at the start of the week.

Letters dont always get to parents so theres nothing wrong in a quick phone call to the parents to let them know of an incident today, no matter how minor the parents may view it. At least that way they know the message would have got there somehow.

Worriedobsessive

are clearly attempting to wind up a poster who has been through more than you could ever dream of.

Every single thread where there is a child with any sort of SN, you WorriedObsessive appear and charge full throttle at any poster, always by name, accusing them of this, that and the other. It's the same story every time. You always accuse posters of deliberately winding someone up, or deliberating not understanding, or deliberately trying to do this, or that, or whatever else you make up. I have seen you do this with others. Every time you stalk me, the false narrative you have is so far from the truth to be funny.

There are many posters on here who have been called ignorant, to whom the OP has been aggressive to, who have asked question and expressed their confusion as to what the problem really is. But because I stood up to you on another thread and would not let you bully me as you do others, you come here and go straight for me again.

Stop it. Either contribute to the thread about the matter in discussion or go away.

Yeah I will back WorriedObsessive on this - flowerpot is often on SN threads, goading the exhausted parents, but you do need to learn to just tune it out. It's just internet static, there's always one.

Thank you lazyleo. I have posted the other things they have called me about. The school did not say it was a foam toy, I deduced that as it seems they didn't even ask him what it was. You are right about my heart hitting the floor. Not good with high blood pressure already. If they had investigated it before they called me, it would not have been such an issue.

I said I have no problem knowing what is going on but prefer it in writing such as an email which is what was agreed.

Thank to so much to those who understand and bothered to read my posts properly.

Who said it was a competition JonSnow. I was responding to being asked why I had kept him in mainstream when you can't get into a SS without an EHCP. Totally ridiculous comment.

I said I have no problem knowing what is going on but prefer it in writing such as an email which is what was agreed.

But you'd just be getting loads of emails instead of loads of phone calls?

I appreciate when my school tells me DS has had an off day. Theres often a reason for it and then we can work on how we better meet his needs in future.

So what is happening with the self harming then? Is he getting any support for that?

Totally ridiculous comment.

No something isn't 'ridiculous' just because the obvious has been pointed out. You mentioned it was 2 years. I just pointed out people go a hell of a lot longer.

No Flowerpot, I’ve only come after you because you are so consistently goading on SN threads. Now you can name change if you like and carry on posting or you can reflect on your disgusting attitude and change that instead.

I was responding to being asked why I had kept him in mainstream when you can't get into a SS without

Yes I'm quite aware of that thankyou. What with being a SN parent myself.
I think you need to take a step back, breathe and sort out an appointment with your DSs school as to how they are going to support him. Given he's clearly not settling in well.

Are people seriously challenging the OP on why she kept her son in mainstream so long? I don't know where you're based but here in the UK disabled children have a right to mainstream schooling if they want it, and are quite often trapped in it even if they don't, due to inadequate provision of the alternatives. If you don't even know that maybe you shouldn't be commenting on this thread.

To answer your reply back to me some pages ago OP , I am glad he is not watching 18s. Some 15 year olds do (lots in fact) but it isn't necessarily helpful or desirable.

It was not at all because he is an SN child. I would ask that of any parent. we are always expected to flag up any 'dark' doodles students do , any troubling creative writing etc etc. Not much gets followed up -and it is usually a harmless stage of adolescent development- but it is our responsibility to flag it.

Schools need to deal with this in case of the extremely rare circumstances that there might be a future serious case review/ safeguarding isseu and then the school gets pulled up for not dealing with or reporting the instances/ contributory evidence. They are most likely protecting themselves. Possibly, if you speak to them they have concerns over a pattern.

On another note, I am amazed your DS could access anything violent in school. The school should have an LA block preventing access to potentially harmful material. It's normally so efficient they can't even search some really suitable stuff! So there seems to be a failing on the part of the school/ authority there, definitely.

OP, think you would have been better over on the sn sites where people would understand. Anyway, in my opinion crap school, crap teachers and head and sounds as if they don't want ds there. I've had that in the past, you're never going to get them to do their jobs properly (as specially trained teachers) no matter how much you try to talk with them. By the time my ds was five, he'd been excluded 3 times and then kept away from school for 2 years on "authorised absence" !! Imagine if we'd done that? We moved city and got him into a brilliant special school where he was happy and settled for a number of years. We never received even one phone call and kept in touch daily through a home/school book. Now that's what you call a special school where the teachers are properly trained and just get the job done.Isn't it laughable when they are specially trained yet phone us(non trained) parents to tell us they can't cope? What do they think we do during the hols?Tie him down? Is there any chance you could check other citie s special schools and move ? Not easy I know but I fear your ds is going to be out of education with no help from anyone. But especially as he's self-harming, he shouldn't be in that rubbish school. I've seen what they can do in a decent special school, my ds's confidence went right up.

No Flowerpot. It doesn’t matter how many times you attempt to dilute or deflect what you do, it’s still you that’s doing it. Not other posters, you. I’ve commented about your posts because (and I’m repeating myself) you appear regularly on threads about SN in schools, without fail taking the view that there’s a shortcoming on behalf of the parent and a defect on the part of the child. You can try and make this about me all you like, but I’m posting because I have some experience of SN in schools, so what’s your excuse/reason beyond goading?

Flowerpot - 'But you cannot keep on so aggressively stalking any MN poster who ever asks for clarification on confusing threads (like many posters have here on this one) or who ever asks about the parental side of dealing with poor behaviour as much as the school's side.'

This was my AIBU - Aibu to think the Head of Year should have checked whether it was an actual axe before she rang me. I have since posted lots for clarification. As I previously said, if you find that confusing, you shouldn't be on here or on MN. You ARE being goady and I have also seen you about before doing the same thing. HTHs.

JonSnow
The thing about the letter is so sad. Poor kid. Worrying about what it might say and if he would get in trouble nearly missed you hearing about the good work.

Well took longer than 2 years to get a diagnosis JonSnow. That was just for an assessment when I had known since he 18 months old and way behind his NT twin there was something not right. Do I win now?

Worryingly I am sure FlowerPot is a teacher as are quite a few others who have posted on this thread.

I can't believe the majority of the reactions here, OP. Personally I think that if the school thought the incident important enough to phone you they could at least have inquired into it a bit more first.

I don't think any child benefits from being labelled as bad and disruptive for minor issues and lot of our children's behaviour in school is outside of our control and should be dealt with directly by the school, IMHO. Only when the parents can help to change certain behaviours should it be necessary to phone them.

I am of the generation where nobody ever phoned my mother even though I was a little tike and got lots of detentions.

Op said it was 5ft. No suggestion that it wasn't made of some springy material so it was still 5 ft when removed from the bag. He took it out on a school bus full of SN pupils. Even if it wasn't a replica scythe. It could have been a replica runner bean and it would still have caused a disturbance. Have you ever been on a school bus, even of mainstream pupils?

OP also said "It was actually a polystyrene scythe Halloween prop"; "It is not realistic at all. He must have bent it up in his bag as it is very long" and "It's a approximately 5ft long handled scythe (all black and obviously made of foam) that came with a Grim Reaper Halloween costume. Not lifelike at all. He was able to squash it up in his bag."

I simply pointed out, Thyme, that your description of OP's son "waving a 5ft scythe around and causing havoc on the school bus" didn't accord with those facts. And no, I've never seen a replica runner bean causing a disturbance on a school bus.