Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just invited his mate over for Christmas Day

542 replies

Robyrollover · 23/11/2017 22:01

Just told me. Asked him whilst out at the weekend apparently. He's going to be on his own if not.

We already have my Dsis and family joining us, who have never met this friend, and aren't social by any stretch. BIL in particular is quite reserved.

I have said categorically no, it will be awkward for everyone (even I don't know him well, it's been well over a year since I've socialised with him), but he can come Boxing Day. I appreciate it's not in the spirit of Christmas, and if it wasn't for my Dsis I'd welcome him with open arms. Dh says I'm being a bitch.

So, over to you Mn... AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
gingergenius · 23/11/2017 22:43

Ok OP. Everyone else has said "yes we think you're being unreasonable"

You think you're not.

So own your decision and deal with it. I have my ex and his gf here ever Xmas morning. I don't want to but my kids flat out refuse to stay at his so I suck it up, play nice and endure that for one day of the year, we all try to put our difficulties to one side.

Rachie1973 · 23/11/2017 22:45

Perhaps he should have asked, but it's done now and it would be horrible to uninvite him now.

I think you're putting way too much emphasis on your sisters day and not enough on your husbands.

PinkyBlunder · 23/11/2017 22:45

If he has family, but is choosing to be alone, it then seems a strange move to accept an invitation from his mate 🤔

Not really. He might not want to be alone but the the alternative of spending it with his family is far worse. I can think of several family members thy I would not have anywhere near me on Christmas Day. If that meant I had to be alone then so be it. However, if a friend that I cared for invited me as an alternative, I’d probably accept.

5foot5 · 23/11/2017 22:45

Crikey your DSis and her family sound like hard work. Maybe your DH feels his friend will lighten the atmosphere a bit.

And yes, I do everything. DH doesn't particularly 'get' Christmas so I'm left with everything.

Well that is the issue to work on. Make a list of tasks well in advance and make it clear which ones you expect him to be responsible for. Maybe his not "getting" Christmas could be because nobody (you, his Mum) has never made him aware how much organization is involved and have just done the arrangements around and for him. Make him be involved, he might actually surprise you

Leontine · 23/11/2017 22:45

^ Have to say I would love to spend a Christmas alone! I do feel the pressure to please everyone - especially since adulthood. It would be nice go be able to eat what I want and watch Christmas TV uninterrupted.

Original poster
Robyrollover · 23/11/2017 22:46

BIL is not miserable, nor will it be any issue hosting them. We love them, despite their flaws. They are just painfully shy around people they don't know, so inviting a stranger (to them) will make it very uncomfortable for them, and likely, our unexpected guest. In the middle of that, I'm running around trying to keep everyone happy, watered and fed.

Sigh

I don't want him to be alone, not at all. He has options (I do know this) - but this is obviously his preference.

I get it - IABU. I'm just a bit sad that this year won't be as we planned , and I'm annoyed that DH didn't at least run it past me so we could have had a conversation about how we could get it to work.

OP posts:
badg3r · 23/11/2017 22:46

So DH invites round someone you haven't seen in over a year with no consultation and expects you to do all the donkey work.

YANBU to be majorly pissed off, I'd be fuming if that was me. It's a lose lose situation, either you come off badly with DH's friend for uninviting him, or your dsis and co have a crap time because they agreed to an invite that turns out to not be what they thought it was.

Dsis is closer than DH's friend. I would get DH to say he spoke out of turn, family are coming round and it would be awkward. It sounds like his friend does have other alternatives anyway. Regardless of whether it is Christmas, if you have family visiting it is inappropriate to invite not-so-close friends to come round too just because they have nothing else on after the original invitation has been accepted.

SciFiFan2015 · 23/11/2017 22:47

All other details aside (the work, the significance of the day, the family, the quality of the guest and his dining skills, whether or not the guest is going to be alone or not, by choice or not) this is a conversation for you and your DH. You should both try and imagine how the other person feels. Then you need to find a compromise.

I'd let the guest come but restrict the time.

ShatnersBassoon · 23/11/2017 22:48

Your husband wants his mate there. It would be a better Christmas day for both of them if he is. That's a good enough reason to go with it.

thegoodnameshadgone · 23/11/2017 22:48

Unless this is a formal dinner just show some compassion.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/11/2017 22:48

I actually think it's useful to have some random outsiders added in on Christmas - my family is much more charming and witty when we have an audience.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 23/11/2017 22:49

Bring all the fixings and have Christmas Day at your DSis's house. Your DH and his friend can have Christmas Day at your house, plus it will be a life lesson for your DH to shop for and prepare a traditional Christmas dinner, it'll make him more appreciative of you in the future. Wink

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/11/2017 22:49

Dh prob invited his friend as knows xmas day will be tedious with your unsocial sis and bil

Why will it be awkward. People talk to people at parties etc

You even say if sis wasn’t there you would welcome him with open arms

So say to sis dh has invited a friend as he will be alone

steff13 · 23/11/2017 22:50

He should have discussed it with you. However, I couldn't see someone alone on Christmas.

ShatnersBassoon · 23/11/2017 22:52

I actually think it's useful to have some random outsiders added in on Christmas - my family is much more charming and witty when we have an audience.

Excellent point. My family are much more pleasant when they're not fully relaxed.

8pawsgood · 23/11/2017 22:52

Christ, you've taken some flak on here. I bet you wish you'd never asked.... However, your family do sound as though they dampen the day for you so why not change things up this year and ditch them...🎄

Junebugjr · 23/11/2017 22:52

Yanbu at all OP.
No way I'd want to graft after a stranger on Christmas Day. Especially as it doesn't sound as though your DH will be doing much of the leg work, so you'll be doing the donkey work. I can't believe the message on here is 'suck it up'.
Rescind the invitation, if you are the one doing all the work for this, put yourself first.

crisscrosscranky · 23/11/2017 22:52

If I was your DH I think I'd invite all my friends Hmm

Perhaps he wanted to avoid 'lengthy discussion' where you'd insist your opinion was the right one like on this thread?

Christmas is about love and compassion- show some!

passemoilevin · 23/11/2017 22:52

I've spent Christmas day on my own and it was great, ate what I wanted, read and watched what I wanted, didn't have to worry about anyone else. I did a huge pre-Christmas lunch with all the trimmings, presents etc. some time before for family, it was good to have the break.

Just to reiterate. Not everyone left alone on Christmas feels like this. I'd go so far as to say for someone who accepted an invite to a friend's house, he almost definitely doesn't.

Original poster
Robyrollover · 23/11/2017 22:53

"I’d hate having someone I didn’t know well I am an introvert and cannot stand having people in my space, I’d be on edge all day. "

PashPash thank you for explaining. So many people overlooking this and assuming they are 'tedious' and 'boring'. They're not, they're just not big on 'people'!

OP posts:
gingergenius · 23/11/2017 22:54

@Robyrollover my christmases are rarely as I've planned- doesn't mean you can't enjoy them. You are not responsible for your sister or BIL's happiness.

Venusflytwat · 23/11/2017 22:55

Heaven forbid your sister and husband should have to SPEAK to someone they don’t know. Ruined, it’s all ruined!!!!

You all need to get a grip, your DH is the only decent sounding one of you.

The guy is going to be ALONE.

Original poster
Robyrollover · 23/11/2017 22:56

"You are not responsible for your sister or BIL's happiness"

But I am responsible for DH's friends happiness....

OP posts:
Frederickvonhefferneffer · 23/11/2017 22:57

You big Scrooge! Xmas is about caring, giving and sharing.

Nicknacky · 23/11/2017 22:57

Who said you are responsible? His friend obviously means a lot to him and I think it's lovely he was looking out for him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread