To send a sick toddler to nursery?

[user4321]

Im on my way to work feeling awful having just dropped my 18month old off at nursery. He is unwell in the sense he has a cold and runny nose and temp, is being more clingy and is more sensitive to tantrums than his usual self. It is more likely than not that the nursery will call one of us to collect him, but my DH has a meeting first thing (after that he is free and can leave work if required). With my employer, it looks better if I’m called away than to not show up in the first place. But I’m feeling guilty and thinking I shouldn’t have left him there in the first place, is it unfair on the staff?

Honestly bigman do you think employers are dumb enough to cite absence for child sickness as the reason?

Of course they aren't. They'll cite some guff about lack of commitment and changing team structures. And they'll subtlety manage you off the profitable jobs and clients so they can build a case against you.

There's no way any law is protecting me in my industry.

@threeislikeaprisonsentence the reason your child has been permanently ill since September is possibly because they haven't been given a chance to recover. A bit of rest and tlc would help.

Leave the poor woman alone, she's obviously looking for support and guidance - not judgement for goodness sake! BE CONSTRUCTIVE, it's not called JUDGEYMUMSNET! Op, no, maybe not your finest moment but we all live and learn. Every single one of the mothers on here will have made a mistake they are not proud of, nobody is perfect and obviously you weren't totally comfortable with your decision hence your post. I'm sure next time will be different.

And to all the "it's mothers like you BLAH BLAH" posters, it's mothers like you that give women a bad name!

Love to see how so many people’s worlds are so black and white.
Clearly she didn’t have a choice and feels shit about it. Not everyone can afford to be a stay at home mom, not all employers are reasonable.
How about we support each other?

I am a grandma. My 5 yo's grandchild's school would rather the child attended with a cough and sniffles - and I was asked by my daughter to go in at 11.30 to administer Neurofen kids cold and flu medicine this morning so that she could stay in school. School aren't allowed to give medicine but a family member can come in and give her her medicine.
Working and being a parent is always fraught with guilt - wherever you are on the payscale - unless you employ a nannie or a childminder for younger children and they will get your older kids for you if this kind of thing crops up.
Lots of quite nasty replies on this post make me question if Mumsnet is a Mums supporting Mums site at all???

My nieces have both been off from school recently with bugs and viral infections etc. My sister has receives letters from school saying their attendance has dropped below 94% this is based on 1.5 terms so it’s inevitable if they need a few days off for one illness and a few for another. The school have actually said “if it’s not sickness and diarrhoea send them in” What if they have the flu?!

I don’t think you can win. I don’t agree with sending your child into nursery ill but the expectation for the rest of your life is to simply get on with it. School make you feel inadequate if you choose to let your child rest and recover while they’re ill. Work has proved the same for me.

I worked in retail for a big department store and you were demonised for being ill. I hadn’t taken any time off in 5 years and then I fell ill with an unexplained illness and I was forced to take 3 weeks off. On my return, I was treated differently for weeks and I was snubbed by the store manager. They rang me a few times while I was off too to ask when I’d be returning. One of the many reasons I decided to leave. I now work for a well known corporate company and they’re really understanding. I haven’t had to take any time off yet but I’m sure they’ll have their limits. I think most companies become frustrated with frequent sickness.

When people say they can’t afford to take time off to care for their child, you need to try and find alternative employment. Something has to give and it shouldn’t be your child’s wellbeing.

Clarehhh - of course they would have given calpol if he needed it. It turns out he didn’t and he was absolutely fine all day except a runny nose. As I have said several time I called a few times to check on him and the nursery were sure he was fine and didn’t need picked up, otherwise one of us would have left work to collect him.

It is really difficult to get the balance right. I know I have sent my 3 to nursery/school when I knew I probably shouldn’t. However when you have a room of 20 people waiting for you to run a training course is hard to cancel last minute. Or similar situation unsympathetic employer, critical meetings etc. With my team I am very flexible when this situation arises as I know how difficult it is juggling things. Don’t feel too bad, you have my sympathy. I think as Mum’s we really can’t win and feel guilty either way.

Totally selfish. Poor child and not fair on anyone they come into contact with. You should have kept annual leave back for situations like this

How would you feel if other parents at your nursery sent their children in when they were clearly unwell and your child caught an illness from them? You should never sent a child into nursery with a temperature and in doing so you are effectively putting your job before your child's well being. Some serious illnesses start with a temperature which you surely must know. It is inconvenient when children are ill and a parent has to stay home with them, and no employer is going to be thrilled, but if you both take off half a day and share this between you as other parents have to do it prevents so many illnesses being spread. You are putting other children at risk because of your selfishness.

wow, tough audience today! Yes I'm afraid I also agree though. I work in schools and it has always driven me mad how little thought is given to the staff and other kids who are all dragging themselves to the finishing line by the end of each half term because of the germs pinging back and forth. No one works full par like that. That said, I work and I know it's tough, it is better to be called back than not ring in, but if they're really ill, you just have to do it, end of.

Unfair on your child and staff (and the other children it'll potentionally be passed on to) it really grates me

You complied with their policy, you felt it was a borderline call in terms of your ds needing you/dh, he is happy as it turns out. There will be lots more borderline calls. I do understand people's fury about germs being passed on (and most especially about stomach bugs) but you can't keep off for everything. Hope he is fine now.

Absolutely appalled by the horrible comments on this thread. The OP was clearly in a difficult position and feels awful about the situation. How about having a little more understanding? If you have the luxury of being a SAHM or having family/friends who can help or a job where the shit doesn't hit the fan if you don't turn up on short notice, great. Not everyone has that luxury. Was OP (or her husband if he missed his meeting) supposed to risk losing her job over it?

Since DC started nursery a few months ago he has had one illness after another. All of these have probably been picked up from nursery. That's just life. Do I blame the other parents for dropping off kids with runny noses? Not a chance! They're all frantically trying to juggle work, family and other commitments and do the best they can.

Agree with Louisearm.

Thank you to all those supportive responses who haven’t branded me as the worst parent ever. I realise that my original post sounded bad but I have updated throughout out the conversation with additional info, I.e. the temp was borderline in the morning and he was happy on the way to nursery and fine by the time he got there and for the rest of the day with no temp. It was a tough call first thing as he was not truly unwell which I made in a hurry, but I’d guessed if it was more than a mild cold I could of course pick him up if needed. If he’d had a fever and was very upset then the decision not to send would have been easier but that wasn’t the case.

If I had have stayed at home and not turned up at work I would be regretting it now as it would have been a wasted bad mark on my employee record when he was actually fine, just a bit grumpy when he first woke up.

Based on updated info, 100% reasonable decision. However, the sheer fact you are on here putting your decision up for scrutiny (and boy, were you scrutinised 😳) shows you are a great mum. I applaud you! Now don't waste another minute reading the negative remarks!

You know are otherwise you wouldn’t have posted. What terrible parents you are. Not just for the impact and possible cross infection on other children but your poor child. Hang your head in shame.

The temperature would have been a huge no for me.

You are feeling awful because you have done something wrong and you know it . I just hope that there are no children with health issues at the nursery - they have enough to cope with without you adding to their problems.

This thread is awful. Mums flinging blame at one another, calling each other selfish, neglectful, uncaring etc and ignoring the real problem. A lot of women are pushed into difficult situations where they can't win and whatever they choose, this thread proves they'll be pilloried for it.

What is actually the problem is that our society is totally unsupportive of working parents. We need better employee rights and protections. We should be levelling our criticism at a callous government with a cruel and heartless approach to welfare. We need to challenge perceptions and insist on decent support.

I get six days a year of paid parental leave, my husband can work flexibly and we have local grandparents who can provide last minute care and we still struggle sometimes to manage ill children and the demands of the workplace. I can't imagine how difficult it is for others.

God people on here are harsh. You haven't committed a crime OP, don't worry too much about it.

I work in a company where women (always women) have lost their jobs because they've taken time off to look after a poorly child or deal with a childcare emergency. Of course that isn't stated as the reason, but it's blindingly obvious. So I totally get where you're coming from.

A cold in one child is a hospital admission - or even death in another (especially for newborns, immune compromised etc). Don’t be so selfish - think about other people not just yourself - your original post shows you didn’t even consider the other children, their pregnant mothers, their new born siblings

And no it’s not scare mongering -my newborn nearly died from someone who infected her with ‘just a cold’.

If they have a temp keep them home

Totally agree with CaptainBrickbeard. There is such little support for working parents, or anyone in a caring role.

6 days isn't much at all, but at least it's something. I have to work as a contractor (lost my "secure" job as a result of my pregnancy. Thread for another day!). I get no parental leave or sick pay or anything. If I don't turn up at work because DC is ill, I don't get paid. I still have to pay the nursery fee though so it's a double whammy. If DC is really ill then of course I won't go to work, but I'm not going to put us in financial difficulty (which would include not being able to pay nursery fees!) over a runny nose!

I'm a teacher and can't tell you how many parents send their kids in when they should be at home, all because they need to go to work. I am at work, teaching your kid and when they vomit on me I catch the bug and have to be off sick and you complain about the substitute. If your child is up vomitting keep them home. If they have a chest infection keep them home. One year we had over 50% of the kids off and half the staff with the Norovirus because parents kept sending their kids in and they kept vomitting all over the carpet and tables that it spread like wild fire.
Sorry to rant but it drives me nuts. I'd like to add that I am a parent also so understand how hard it is but please if they should be home keep them home.