To not want dh to go to on midnight mass this year?

[Jellybellyqueen]

Dh goes to a church group once a week, church on sunday, and on special celebrations. He pretty much always goes to midnight mass on xmas eve, and also wants to go on xmas day, which we are spending at my parents this year. None of the (primary aged) dc are interested in going, nor am i, as he's the only religious one in the house. We've been as a family before, dc bored and me trying to keep them quiet, so im not doing it again.
Im also sick of staying in on my own wrapping presents on xmas eve. AIBU to ask him to give it a miss this once?

Midnight Mass and Service the next day is not necessary - most go to midnight mass OR morning service.

The best service for Kids is the crib service usually around 6/7pm on Christmas Eve where they place Baby Jesus in the crib and the kids get to go look see and get involved a bit more. It doesn't do them any harm to be a bit bored and understand the Christmas Story from Dad's point of view. But others are right he should be taking them really either or service. As a child raised Catholic Christmas Service The Crib or Morning on the day was one of the highlights of the year and something I still go to now even though on secnd marriage and generally don't go.

However its a bit more awkward this year. For Catholics Sunday service is the minimum commitment. This year Sun IS Christmas Eve so you have the double whammy of two days of church in a row - so not the best year to start putting your foot down!! This is about how your husband celebrates Christmas, you are being unreasonable to ask him not to go at all, you are not unreasonable to ask him to only do what is necessary - especially for only one year, however this year has snookered you a bit as people will be expected to go Sunday and Monday!! Not sure Midnight or evening service after 6pm on Christmas Eve will count for both - if you see what I mean.

You need to discuss the options with DH - and if that means takinghis kids Sun am to give you a bit of peace then that's what he needs to do and suck up the looking after kids in church.

PS in terms of looking after kids in church what I found works is v small toys you can place in pockets and produce one at a time for them to quietly play in pews at feet on bench, smallish books with lots to look at or interactive bits to quietly talk about intermittently whilst trying to pay attention, they may have a bit of Sunday school for the first part until the procession to the alter before communion when they rejoin the congregation. And als a small cuddly toy can help calm them too.

Good luck sorting out the plan with DH

It would be nice to have some time after dc have gone to sleep and presents are all done to sit back, relax and enjoy his company on xmas
And if you'd taken any of the advice on this thread about wrapping in advance you could that before he goes off to Midnight Mass! You could even take the kids out for a few hours on a day before and leave him to do a load of wrapping in peace so you don't feel like you've been lumbered. Or get grandparents to take them (so you can't whinge about being left with the kids all the time) and he wraps while you take yourself off out with a friend. But stop with the martyr act, it's not a good look & it's not working.
(Really hoping his NY resolution is to also take up cycling, then you'll really have something to complain about!)

Clearly this situation is not just about Xmas church services and wrapping.

It sounds like it’s a bit of a tipping point for you given what you’ve said about your DHs attitude to other things in your household.

I don’t think you’d be feeling like this if the other 364 days of the year were hunky dory. Next time he’s being an arse to you, then ask him what would Jesus do? How would Jesus behave?

I think you need to try to get him to understand that he’s taking you for granted the rest of the year.

If your husband is a committed Christian, then yes, his faith does actually trump his wife and kids on Christmas eve/day. I could undertsand if you were facing a crisis (illness or other such crisis which needs him there for you) and I could understand if he was forcing the family to come along to share in something they don't believe in, but that's not your situation as you describe it.
FFS, you're just wrapping presents....and he must only be out for an hour or so late at night, and possibly again in the morning. Christmas is very central to his faith, pity you don't have the generosity of spirit to see that....perhaps you need some of the Christmas effect too?

Apols for duplicate postings

He sounds lazy & selfish tbh.

I see that you are at your parents this year, but in general does it mean that you cook Chrismas dinner alone?

I think if you're with your parents & have company just let him go.

Do people actually wrap presents on Christmas Eve! I agree with Deux, seems like a problem with your relationship, not just him wanting to go to midnight mass. Very difficult when one party is religious, one not.

The responses you’ve got to this thread are indicative that if you start with “it’s inconvenient for me that you celebrate a major religious festival on that day of that religious festival” then you will have lost the moral high ground the moment you open your mouth and it will screw your debating position for everything else.
Yet i thought id communicated the fact i wanted to spend some downtime relaxing with him after dc were in bed and jobs done, at a magical (for me, a secular) time of year. I never said i didnt want him to go to the xmas day service. I dont get to enjoy the service either way atm. Thx to the pp who suggested a babysitter, dont know anyone suitable who wouldn't cost a bomb at that time tho.

Looks like a other classic case of OP asking AIBU? And not wanting to know the response unless it is a no.

Then we have a defensive drip feed and embroidery of the original post to justify the ridiculously unreasonable position.

You do know you are wasting valuable space on the internet?

I absolutely think you should speak to him about not pulling his weight. However, I think it's a mistake to make MM the issue, as it just makes it easier for him to avoid the key issue (him being a lazy arse and leaving you feeling unsupported) and treat your concerns as being purely about religion, when it sounds like there's a lot more to it.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to ask him to just attend one service on Christmas Day - but he may well choose midnight mass as it’s so lovely. I don’t go to midnight mass at the moment as my children are too young and my husband and I like to be together on Christmas Eve (so not just one of us goes while the other babysits) so I totally see your point.

We go to the crib service earlier in the afternoon on Christmas Eve instead at the moment as the children can take part.

Love all the massive drip feeds when the OP doesn’t get the response required! These are my favourite type of AIBU.

And......Merry Christmas!!

Sorry OP, I also think that YABU. This is what I would do:

1. Wrap most of the presents on a different day (with DH's help) and forget about the bows. As PPs suggested, use better quality wrapping paper.
2. Have a lovely Christmas Eve with DH and DC; DH helps with reindeer food, etc; put the DC to bed; DH goes to Midnight Mass and you relax for an hour with a glass of wine.
3. DH takes the DC to Mass on Christmas Day which gives you a break and surely he wants to share his religion with his DC if it so important to him?

Attending Church was non-negotiable when I was growing up. It was boring...but in retrospect very good for us as we learnt from a very young age how to sit still for an hour and it also taught us that sometimes you had to do things in life that you didn't want to do. Being bored for an hour is no bad thing. It's also a bit of quiet time amidst the chaos and excitement of Christmas Day.

At Christmas, we would go to Church on Christmas Day and we enjoyed it. It was a break between stockings and tree presents. Those (my Dad's family) that didn't go to Church got going on the cooking.

If there are so many presents to wrap that it makes you stressed...maybe it's time to scale it back a little?

Oh fgs.Wading slowly through replies but the number of pp who tell me how unreasonable i am, while simultaneously only addressing part of the problem. Yes, i would bu to tell him not to go to anything at all. Tried going with dc. Didnt work. That was his 'compromise' after i got shunted out after having noisy babies. Yes, i tolerate the religion that he found after a decade together. I compromise, wheres his compromise? I asked if iwbu asking him not to go on xmas eve as he was going on xmas day, but how many posters picked up on that, rather than just jumping down my throat because i am thinlimg of asling him not to go for once in 10 years. He's still talking about going on xmas day and i haven't said a word about that.
Honestly, as soon as religion makes an appearance, some ppl start frothing at the mouth. This is NOT a piss take! No doubt I'll get lambasted further even though ive said iabu for trying to interfere with his religion...

"His view would only be taking precedence if he attempted to corral the rest of you into going."
Well, the churchgoer's view does still take precedence in a way, even if the rest of the family don't go - because it means the dp is away from dc for part of Christmas day. I think the cg-er has to be quite careful to take family's interests into account (interesting theological debate to be had about the meaning of various bits of NT on this issue!)

Butchy, I have and I’m not.
I’m responding to OP, you’re trying to pick a fight. I’m not interested in arguing or responding in that way. You don’t agree with me. That’s grand.

How about you wrap sometime in the next 4 weeks instead of the night before.......?

I also didn’t say he shouldn’t need to do it, but I don’t think he wishing to chose to go to midnight mass is unreasonable on his part. There needs to be a discussion about when everything else is done.

Hmm, my post wasn't clear really - didn't mean that cg-er's view should take precedence - but that the effect of going to church is that you are not with your family, so even if cg - er doesn't take them along s/he is still imposing his/her views on the rest of the family, by being absent on Christmas day. (From that point of view MM is better!)

Op for the record, there are cg-ers here who do not think you abu!

But I do feel for you.

We're atheist and I thnk my husband would have to have some sort of brain transplant before he ever became religious, but it must be really hard.

And I would be really upset if he wanted to leave the house on Christmas day!

I say let him do the midnight one (get your wrapping done early and you can have a glass of wine and early night) and then say not to go on Xmas day. How can a baby that may or may not have been born 2000 years ago be more important than his own kids on Christmas.......he doesn't need to be in church twice in 24 hours to be a good Christian....

You have never had faith so you can't comprehend
Another assumption, which is wrong. I had a relatively religious upbringing (more so than he), so i can comprend it, thanks for the patronizing comment though!

I'm coming at this with a different spin from many other posters. What I'm hearing is you saying that you're in the house on Xmas eve doing domestic work, while your DH is out at church.

I think that would be OK if your DH does more than his share of the socially reproductive labour in the run-up to Xmas. E.g. he buys and wraps all the presents, gets in the food, etc. If, however, he doesn't do those things and also leaves you in to carry the weight on Xmas eve, then I'd say that is unreasonable behaviour and an unfair expectation of wifework.

Really, this depends on a much wider context.

YANBU in my opinion. You want help with the work in the preparations up to Christmas as it is all falling to you. And you want to have a nice family time too.
Maybe he can do some thinking about how this problem can be solved?! Why is it all on you, and why is everyone berating you for not organising things better/using the right wrapping paper/whatever else you are doing wrong?
Once he knows it is a problem for you (if he doesn't already), and if you can clearly express to him what you would like to get from Xmas, then let him come up with some ideas of how both your needs can be met.

You are having to think about the problems of wrapping and storage of the wrapping - I bet anything that he is not giving that any thought. And won't do unless you bring it to his attention. You are thinking about how you can make it more of a family time. Why should this all be in your headspace??! Gah

Butchy, I have and I’m not.

It would help if you quoted from the post to which you’re responding. I’m afraid I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.

I’ll assume it’s to do with why you tried to Godsplain Catholicism to a fellow Catholic.