To not want dh to go to on midnight mass this year?

[Jellybellyqueen]

Dh goes to a church group once a week, church on sunday, and on special celebrations. He pretty much always goes to midnight mass on xmas eve, and also wants to go on xmas day, which we are spending at my parents this year. None of the (primary aged) dc are interested in going, nor am i, as he's the only religious one in the house. We've been as a family before, dc bored and me trying to keep them quiet, so im not doing it again.
Im also sick of staying in on my own wrapping presents on xmas eve. AIBU to ask him to give it a miss this once?

I've learnt, the hard way! that it's best not to leave things to the last minute. I try to get a stupid vikings/Victorian/etc costume for school asap, preferably from eBay, 2nd hand for £3.29, as early as I hear about it. I wrap the presents in the week leading up.
This policy works, ok'ish. There's always something that crops up last minute that twats it up. But at least ds2's in costume!!

My very devout RC dh says it is fine to go either on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Suggest he gives up MM and goes on Christmas morning. I usually go with dh on Christmas Eve but it is never at midnight though they call it Midnight Mass.

Its more time consuming to be getting stuff in and out on a number of occasions when its a jigsaw puzzle

I often wrap presents as I buy them and store them, so there's no getting them in and out.

I can honestly say I have never once had a problem with ripped paper. The only time was when I bought some paper from Poundland. It was so thin it ripped when you looked at it.

The other thing is you can buy wrap that has some plastic in it, that stuff is indestructible.

Christmas Eve is Sunday this year so technically he should be going to a daytime Sunday Mass (morning Saturday night vigil Mass) as well as Midnight Mass. Wrap together on Friday or Saturday, then on Christmas Eve night, after he leaves for church sit back with a glass of wine or cup of tea and enjoy the peace.

I am also a practicing Catholic and won't be doing MM and a daytime Christmas service . The only people I know who do that regularly are in the choir. If that is the group your husband is involved in I can completely understand why he wants to do both services, Christmas music is a big deal, choirs want to do a good job and it is a team effort.

You are joking right? It’s called Christ mas(s) for a reason! Probably one of the most unreasonable AIBU moments of have seen on here.

And the reason the bulk of the wrapping isn't done before is generally because its more time consuming to be getting stuff in and out on a number of occasions when its a jigsaw puzzle trying to stuff it in small spaces without tearing what youve already wrapped

I think YABU, and you just seem to be making excuses regarding the wrapping. Most people with children manage to do the wrapping prior to Christmas Eve without it being a major drama. Just allocate some time on an evening or two during the week prior to Christmas for you and DH to get it done then.

If your DH isn’t pulling his weight regarding shopping, wrapping, cooking etc for Christmas, then I can understand that you might feel a bit resentful that he goes out late on Christmas Eve when there’s still things to be done. But I think you’re directing your resentment at the wrong thing, and you need to deal with his laziness as a separate issue.

My very devout RC dh says it is fine to go either on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day

Do we know OPs dh is RC? He could be Anglican.

People can gain and lose faith in their lives at any point, sometimes more than once. People do sometimes change hugely and sometimes that change creates a huge impact like golfing all weekend but this is faith. You have never had faith so you can't comprehend what that means though plenty of other atheists on this thread seem to be able to.

I wrap all the presents, because I do a better job. Partner cooks xmas dinner. I'm a Catholic and going to mass Xmas Eve and Xmas day is not necessary. Midnight Mass is so you don't have to go on Xmas day. So that is unreasonable. But YABU not allowing him to do something that is important to him.

I would find my partner becoming a theist very difficult indeed.

I think YABU. You say you want your DH to spend Christmas Eve with you and the children - well he is isn't he if he's not going out until 11pm by which time the DC are asleep in bed. Nor do I understand why the only time to wrap gifts is after 11pm on Christmas Eve. There are plenty of days when you could both do that.

I get what you mean about it all being what he wants to do and tbh I would probably feel as you do, but I appreciate that Christmas is about religion so would try to be understanding to a point: the idea of attending the crib service earlier would be a nice compromise. As I have got older, the appeal of midnight mass has lessened and now I prefer to attend the crib service - hopefully your DH will go the same way! Could you hold your open house earlier in the day?
I would make it abundantly clear to him that his share of the wrapping will be waiting for him when he returns home from midnight mass but that you will be in bed, asleep (or wrap on a different day and hide it all - could you put it in the loft?).
A tip that I was given is to buy 2 identical Santa sacks: pre-fill the first and hide away, put the second out for Santa. When I was little we used to have a pillow case as a sack and one year I remember noticing that it was a different pillow case - my parents made up some cock and bull story.

YABU, Christmas is a religious event! The presents are secondary.

Don't you have an interest, hobby or other 'thing' he facilitates?
He facilitates nothing. The only reason he cleans up after dinner is because he bitched about how i did it, so one day I stopped doing it. Same with putting the bins out. Yet expects the household to revolve around his evening out (early dinner, so nothing else happens on this day) and Sundays at church. All year.
It would be nice to have some time after dc have gone to sleep and presents are all done to sit back, relax and enjoy his company on xmas (invented by the christians by co-opting parts of older festivals to force people to follow their religion) but i can see how vvvvvvvvv unreasonable im being to ask that he doesn't go for once in ten years or so. I actually wonder what he'd say if i asked to go and he stays with the kids? Oh hang on, tried that already - we all went and he enjoyed himself ignoring us while i kept the dc quiet.
Thanks to pp who had sensible (not sarcastic) comments about the presents, I'll sort it better. Not so sure about those who think iabvu not wanting him to go to everything, because i think there should be a happy compromise in there somewhere. Xmas is v much a secular holiday for many, as a pp pointed out, so why if three quarters of the family are secular rather than religious, does the view of the one quarter have precedence?

I've read OPs posts and skimmed the thread.

If you've got issues with him not pulling his weight generally then address that. I can understand that. I left my first husband because he wouldn't do his bit with me and the kids and did not respond to my attempts (over 15 years) to change the situation.

However - you are going at this by attacking the most important time of his religious calendar backed up with a some odd thing all about how all the wrapping must be done within a 3 hour window.

Step away from the xmas mass issue and get some work done with him about the other issues.

Xmas is v much a secular holiday for many, as a pp pointed out, so why if three quarters of the family are secular rather than religious, does the view of the one quarter have precedence?

How is his view “taking precedence”? You said that you and the kids don’t attend the services any more. His view would only be taking precedence if he attempted to corral the rest of you into going.

Your husband sounds like a selfish sod, happy to leave everything to you. But you’re more or less ignoring the posters telling you that you have bigger concerns to address and are barking up the wrong tree with this midnight mass thing.

I have every sympathy by the way. He sounds an arse

And most normal ppl go to bed at 11?? Guess that makes me superabnormal that i sometimes stay up past 11 then.

Well I don't know anyone who starts wrapping Christmas presents at 11pm on Christmas Eve.

YABU. You will be together the whole of Chrisrtmas Eve. He will be out for an hour or so.

I am always in bed way before 11, especially on Christmas Eve as Christmas Day itself is pretty full on so I get an early night. I never go to MM, although I am a christian and regularly go to church. I also wrap on Christmas Eve, but usually when the kids are in bed, which is way before 11pm and my kids are much older!

I think your DH is not pulling his weight in the family, but it is a bigger issue than MM on Christmas Eve.

showofhands i wasn't going to mention that as i didnt think it relevant, but dh is forces also, often away, and has spent a couple of xmases away so i can sympathise. Perhaps that also has a bearing on my view of him devoting so much 'home time' at church.

Midnight mass on Christmas Eve is usually a really lovely service, even if you aren't religious. We used to go with our parents and have nice memories.

Why are you the one keeping the children quiet in mass? Are you sex segregated?
Just let them run wild and nudge him to sort them out.

I fully agree with others that you should address how much he doesn't care about doing his share at home and with the children. His church going, in terms of time spent per week, is the least of your worries.

Midnight Mass and Service the next day is not necessary - most go to midnight mass OR morning service.

The best service for Kids is the crib service usually around 6/7pm on Christmas Eve where they place Baby Jesus in the crib and the kids get to go look see and get involved a bit more. It doesn't do them any harm to be a bit bored and understand the Christmas Story from Dad's point of view. But others are right he should be taking them really either or service. As a child raised Catholic Christmas Service The Crib or Morning on the day was one of the highlights of the year and something I still go to now even though on secnd marriage and generally don't go.

However its a bit more awkward this year. For Catholics Sunday service is the minimum commitment. This year Sun IS Christmas Eve so you have the double whammy of two days of church in a row - so not the best year to start putting your foot down!! This is about how your husband celebrates Christmas, you are being unreasonable to ask him not to go at all, you are not unreasonable to ask him to only do what is necessary - especially for only one year, however this year has snookered you a bit as people will be expected to go Sunday and Monday!! Not sure Midnight or evening service after 6pm on Christmas Eve will count for both - if you see what I mean.

You need to discuss the options with DH - and if that means takinghis kids Sun am to give you a bit of peace then that's what he needs to do and suck up the looking after kids in church.

PS in terms of looking after kids in church what I found works is v small toys you can place in pockets and produce one at a time for them to quietly play in pews at feet on bench, smallish books with lots to look at or interactive bits to quietly talk about intermittently whilst trying to pay attention, they may have a bit of Sunday school for the first part until the procession to the alter before communion when they rejoin the congregation. And als a small cuddly toy can help calm them too.

Good luck sorting out the plan with DH

Midnight Mass and Service the next day is not necessary - most go to midnight mass OR morning service.

The best service for Kids is the crib service usually around 6/7pm on Christmas Eve where they place Baby Jesus in the crib and the kids get to go look see and get involved a bit more. It doesn't do them any harm to be a bit bored and understand the Christmas Story from Dad's point of view. But others are right he should be taking them really either or service. As a child raised Catholic Christmas Service The Crib or Morning on the day was one of the highlights of the year and something I still go to now even though on secnd marriage and generally don't go.

However its a bit more awkward this year. For Catholics Sunday service is the minimum commitment. This year Sun IS Christmas Eve so you have the double whammy of two days of church in a row - so not the best year to start putting your foot down!! This is about how your husband celebrates Christmas, you are being unreasonable to ask him not to go at all, you are not unreasonable to ask him to only do what is necessary - especially for only one year, however this year has snookered you a bit as people will be expected to go Sunday and Monday!! Not sure Midnight or evening service after 6pm on Christmas Eve will count for both - if you see what I mean.

You need to discuss the options with DH - and if that means takinghis kids Sun am to give you a bit of peace then that's what he needs to do and suck up the looking after kids in church.

PS in terms of looking after kids in church what I found works is v small toys you can place in pockets and produce one at a time for them to quietly play in pews at feet on bench, smallish books with lots to look at or interactive bits to quietly talk about intermittently whilst trying to pay attention, they may have a bit of Sunday school for the first part until the procession to the alter before communion when they rejoin the congregation. And als a small cuddly toy can help calm them too.

Good luck sorting out the plan with DH