To not want dh to go to on midnight mass this year?

[Jellybellyqueen]

Dh goes to a church group once a week, church on sunday, and on special celebrations. He pretty much always goes to midnight mass on xmas eve, and also wants to go on xmas day, which we are spending at my parents this year. None of the (primary aged) dc are interested in going, nor am i, as he's the only religious one in the house. We've been as a family before, dc bored and me trying to keep them quiet, so im not doing it again.
Im also sick of staying in on my own wrapping presents on xmas eve. AIBU to ask him to give it a miss this once?

How many bloody presents do you have to wrap that it's a two person job taking several hours??!

I would have thought if the dc are still young enough to be believing in Santa, then they would be in bed with at least a couple of hours to spare before your dh heads to midnight mass? And if they are older then surely presents can go under the tree before hand. I like to wrap on Christmas Eve but there's no reason I can't do the wrapping another night and store the presents back where they were originally.

This is why the New Testament includes a specific warning against believers partnering up with non believers. It was an issue in the first century, it's an issue now. It can cause huge problems and resentment. In the ops case though they were already married when the husband came to faith so not a lot to be done about that.
I think it comes under the heading of for better, for worse op. If you want your marriage to survive you've got to practice mutual toleration. Your husband has to tolerate your lack of faith and your children lacking faith, that's a pretty hard thing to swallow. You need to tolerate his faith and the manifestations of that. You clearly also find that hard. That's the way that goes.

You are being unreasonable. Why not just, as someone suggested, go with him? Children won’t be bored if it’s put across properly. Midnight is exciting for most children.
If that doesn’t work compromise-he doesn’t go to Midnight Mass but you go with him as a family in the morning.
It’s good for children to learn about faith and understand the meaning of Christmas.......and the name is the giveaway. It is a Christian festival regardless of pagan tradition.

Surely this thread is a p... take?!

You seem to think your Christian husband is being selfish going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve because he can't help you wrap presents or have a family evening? You've already said the children are in bed by 11 pm so have your family time before then.

Plenty of people are offering suggestions or compromises but you're clearly unwilling to adapt your plans in any sort of way. So yes, you are being unbelievably unreasonable and rigid and clearly just want people to agree with you.

There are children in this country without a safe place to sleep (and children around the world that aren’t safe from gunfire and famine). And all you’re worried about is putting bows that will be binned less than 24 hours later on presents. That’s fucking obscene.

You need to find a compromise
He doesn't need to go to midnight mass AND christmas morning?! Who does that?

Do you really have ALL presents coming from Santa? Why not just the Santa presents? Is your tree empty before christmas eve? You can't possibly only start wrapping all the presents after the kids have gone to bed on Christmas Eve. Get wrapping and put them in your wardrobe under a blanket or something. There must be somewhere you can put them.

It sounds like you resent all sorts of things about him like not spending enough time with you and putting the mental load on you. And you're focusing it all on this one event of midnight mass.

Am I missing something here? OP is talking about wanting a family Xmas eve etc. but DH is abandoning her? He doesn't leave until 11pm!

YABVVVU

I just think it would be nice not to be abandoned one year after over a decade of it!

Does he go to work? Do you consider yourself abandoned then too?

It should be fairly easy to plan Christmas around the Christian elements of it, if someone in the family wants to do them, just as it’s easy to plan around the Queens speech.

I’m Pagan & DH is an atheist and I still think you’re BU! Midnight mass is obviously very important to him (and it’s a beautiful service). There are plenty of ways to work around wrapping etc to give him what an hour and a half on Christmas Eve?
Aside from that you really give yourselves a lot to do when the DC’s have gone to bed - wrap earlier, sort everything and put it under a big blanket in your room for a day or so. Experience tells me kids don’t generally notice that much! (3 DC’s, done this for years and not one of them twigged).
It might just be the way you’ve always done things but make a new tradition of relaxing a bit at night while he’s at church and the DC’s are asleep before the Christmas madness starts.

YABVU. I am atheist, but I’d never ask someone to give up their time at church especially on Christmas Eve.
Even allowing for travel time, your DH is only going to be out for a couple of hours late on Christmas Eve, you need to organise yourself so as you have finished all your wrapping before DH goes to midnight mass rather than moaning about someone celebrating Christmas by spending some time at church.

If you do bully your DH out of going to the midnight service, at least let him listen to the one on Radio 4 or see if one is on TV.

Cupcake, you made a big assumption there. He wasn't religious when we got married.

I'll probably get flamed for this, and haven't RTFT, but that would be a deal breaker for me and I'd LTB! As a lifelong and committed atheist, I really couldn't cope with it and the way it affects family life.

Christmas present wrapping does take ages. It can take me a good two hours.

However, the answer is simply to wrap them all in advance.

I totally understand the annoyance of taking all the responsibility for Christmas. My father was exactly the same, the only thing he did was buying but not decorating the Christmas tree and buying some wine.

You need to divide the chores 50/50 and then it wouldn't matter so much if he went to midnight mass.

Atheist here too. But presumably for your DH, the "Xmas magic" you talk about is all about the Church. The presents just aren't as important to him.

It'd be a bit like my trying to get my DH to watch something else while the World Cup Final is on "so we can watch it together" because I hate football. Fair enough if I ask him to clear up the supper first, but unreasonable to ask him to forego the main even just because I'm not interested and would prefer to do something else. Wrap your presents on the night before and do something Christmassy with your children while he's at the morning service. Presumably they'll have loads of new toys to play with and will be happy enough for a couple of hours?

Sorry, still on p4, but
Jesus is the reason for the season haha!
And most normal ppl go to bed at 11?? Guess that makes me superabnormal that i sometimes stay up past 11 then.
And the reason the bulk of the wrapping isn't done before is generally because its more time consuming to be getting stuff in and out on a number of occasions when its a jigsaw puzzle trying to stuff it in small spaces without tearing what youve already wrapped. He NEVER gets stuff out to wrap on his own accord, and I can imagine the shitty mood he'd be in if I left some for him to do late after getting back, unfortunately.

If I were in your shoes I would arrange cosy night in to wrap the pressies a different night with dh. Then on christmas eve while he's at mass I would either go to bed and get some shut eye or if I wasn't tired I would save the soaps or a christmassy film to snuggle up with. And a little tipple and some chocs too.

I'll probably get flamed for this, and haven't RTFT, but that would be a deal breaker for me and I'd LTB! As a lifelong and committed atheist, I really couldn't cope with it and the way it affects family life.

Maybe you should read the thread? It usually helps, I find.

Unless he’s thumping 50 shades of New Testament at you and the kids, or haunting his local church 24/7, how’s it going to affect “family life”?

One can adhere to a religious faith without expecting the rest of the family to sign up too.

And presumably you do think that one’s spouse should be allowed to have external interests?

Last yr the presents i wrapped ahead of time had rips in the paper covering the open parts of the toy boxes, if that makes sense, so i wanted to avoid that

Cheap paper. It just needs to be thicker. You seem to have had somewhere to have stored them last year. And you apparently have somewhere to store the unwrapped presents.

I don't see why you can't watch a Christmassy film with him earlier and you can go to bed and chill when he goes off to mass.

He NEVER gets stuff out to wrap on his own accord, and I can imagine the shitty mood he'd be in if I left some for him to do late after getting back, unfortunately.

So let him be in a shitty mood. Quote some nice, soothing NT at him about the role of husbands and fathers.

He needs to contribute.

You are being unbelievably unreasonable expecting a Christian to give up going to Church at Christmas which is obviously the most important Christian festival... I'm really shocked by your comments! You're acting like he's going out drinking or something!

"Why do his wishes trump those of his wife and kids, every single year?" - Surely your children are in bed at midnight? Why aren't you? Do your children really care/notice that he goes? It sounds like you're just being really weird and unreasonable for no reason! Who does their wrapping Xmas Eve anyway? So many questions!

Honestly, of all the 'Am I being unreasonable posts' that I've ever read, you're probably being the most unreasonable. If this were my husband I'd support him in his faith, and go along with him. I'd take the children and encourage them to learn and share an interest. I'd be so grateful to have a husband who just wanted to go to Church... and not out drinking or sh*gging other women or something! If he is the only Christian in your house then this CHRISTIAN festival is more important for him than anyone else. Don't be selfish!

Yabvu.
However you would not be U at all to give him a list of stuff to do before he goes.

squeegle, if you actually read my posts, i was responding to q which had been asked, not repeating the same things. Apart from the ones which the majority of posters were obv overlooking or misconstruing in their posts.
And please can you show me where ive said he's being unreasonable?

Do it all in one go.
On the 23rd.
Find another focus for your obvious resentment about your DH’s lack of engagement.
At this rate you are playing your own role in making what should be joyful, giving gifts to your kids, a flashpoint for a war.
Stop it.