To not want dh to go to on midnight mass this year?

[Jellybellyqueen]

Dh goes to a church group once a week, church on sunday, and on special celebrations. He pretty much always goes to midnight mass on xmas eve, and also wants to go on xmas day, which we are spending at my parents this year. None of the (primary aged) dc are interested in going, nor am i, as he's the only religious one in the house. We've been as a family before, dc bored and me trying to keep them quiet, so im not doing it again.
Im also sick of staying in on my own wrapping presents on xmas eve. AIBU to ask him to give it a miss this once?

Ah yes, plornish, he does have a massive martyr-ish streak! In his mind there is no reason why he shouldn't do all his church stuff, because anything else can be fitted in around it. After the way this thread has gone I think I'm on a loser if I even bother asking, tbh. The way he has spoken about it beforehand, its a done deal anyway, no question that anything else would be happening at the time.
Sad that i wont have the cosy xmas eve relaxing infront of the fire, wine glass in hand that i was hoping for - yes pp, this xmas night only happens once a year, never enjoyed as a secular celebration for us non religious types, sadly

Some ‘religious’ types enjoy spending Christmas Eve that way, OP. DH and I don’t go to MM (that’s only a CofE and RC tradition). We go to church on Christmas Day, though I don’t always manage that. It’s definitely not compulsory! If you go to church regularly in December you get plenty of opportunity to reflect on the Christmas message m.

Haven't done a statistical analysis but my impression is that it's the church-goers who are more likely to think yanbu to not want dh to go to both services (sorry, too many negatives there), and the non c-gers who think yabu - which is not the outcome I would have expected!

Op, I hope you have a good Christmas (and have all wrapping completed by 23rd so that you can enjoy the last bit of Christmas eve with whatever you fancy!)

OP you say you want to be spending time as a family together on christmas eve.
How does that work if you are wrapping presents?

Your husband sounds like a massive unreasonable wanker, so I'm not saying that he is any way right about this.

But going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve is a genuinely special, once a year thing that in an actual functional relationship it would be massively unreasonable to expect someone to give up. And I don't see why he can't relax on the sofa with you with a glass of wine before going.

So in you marriage as a whole, he sounds completely unreasonable. And I can see why you feel the way you do. But I think that you are choosing absolutely the wrong thing to take a stand on, because in this one small area, you do seem to be pretty unreasonable. Going to a one-off late-night religious service really isn't the behaviour he needs to be changing.

speakout obv haven't rtft all the way through

Its about spending a special evening together, as he's planning on church the next day too.

So now we have established exactly what the thread is about.

You're fussing about him attending mass, as a Christian. Yet you are only wrapping presents due to a Christian celebration. I don't know which of the 2 words fit best - irony or hypocrisy - but how sad to be so controlling. You are making out there is a huge issue around wrapping presents - but, there isn't. You can wrap earlier, a few at a time, and hide them. No way is that impossible within a family home.

He doesn't even go until late at night. Your DCs will be in bed. Why on Earth can't you just chill out whilst he is gone? Read a book have a nice leisurely bath put your feet up, whatever you choose. He's not running away is he? You can leave instructions for him to wrap the presents when he gets back.

The DCs will be in bed Mass can't be more than a couple of hours max. Same on Christmas day.

You live together you must see and be with each other regularly. He goes to a few church meetings a week. Not each evening? & he isn't going missing for the 2 days. He'll be there

But you want to restrict him from practising his faith and that is sad. When you've done that, will you feel you have "won?" What will you do if any of your DCs become Christian and want to attend Mass?

Still I'm sure you'll get support from the joined at the hip = relationship crew. & you likely want agreement. So you may as well carry on with your plan to prevent him from going to Mass, and make wrapping presents the most important thing

You don't feel valued & I think perhaps the midnight mass is the straw that broke the donkeys back 😉 As I said previously I go to church weekly but it doesn't interfere with us as a family even though DH doesn't attend. He doesn't value what you need and is being neglectful of your feelings. It's not the wrapping or the church it's him & you being second best to his wants. That's pretty shitty & not how you should ever make someone feel.

oklookingahead
Actually I'd havr said the divide was:

Reasonable people of faith and none - Christmas is a religious celebratiob for Christians. He goes to mass. You can wrap presents together at any other point in the month.

Joined at the hip people who resent pne partner spending time away from the house because 'family time' - how can he go at such an importabt time. Of course he just wants to leave you with all the presents to wrap because it would be too obvious not ti do them on christmas eve and he is so selfish for going ti church regularly as well. He really needs to be nicer.

YABVU.

What would happen if you decided not to wrap the presents and just put them in dcs bedroom.

Either that or go to bed for a couple of hours and start the wrapping at 1am when he is home.

All actions have consequences. If he wants to do MM then the work will be waiting when he gets home.

I wish I hadn't commented on this thread purely on the info given on the OP. There's clearly a lot more going on than wrapping presents and midnight mass. Good luck jelly.
Why though do people have all this regimented planning for Christmas. Just relax.

You take the children out and do something fun on Christmas Eve afternoon, He stays home and wraps. Presents can be hidden in the boot of the car if necessary. You come home, do Christmas Eve things. Kids go to bed. He goes to midnight mass. You do whatever you like, He puts presents out when he gets back.
Then, after Christmas, you sit down with him and address the real issues in your relationship head on and bravely, without using irrelevancies as surrogates.

Surely the issue here is not that the OP is controlling but that her DH is doing exactly what he wants and clothing his selfish and unChristian behaviour in a cloak of piety.

If the OP had said that her DH went out 3 nights a week cycling and had arranged 2 more cycling events over a special weekend, then there would have been much more sympathy.

If my DH was going out for a hobby 2 or 3 nights per week and once on a Sunday, I would be unimpressed whatever the pass time was. He should be doing his fair share of family time and chores. And if the OP went out an equal amount of time to make it fair, I bet the DH would think her frivolous. Plus there would be very little family time. And she would come back to all the wifework.

Its still worth a try though. In January, take up Cross fit or Zumba OP, do it 3 time a week plus a class on Saturday evening which could be followed up with drinks with your new pals. Witter on endlessly about how you have really changed now you are exercising so much. Refuse to compromise about when you exercise and insist on having your own way. He may get the message...

DH and I are both practising Christians, although Dh a bit more committed than me to be honest. We used to go to midnight mass. It’s a lovely service. However, since having children, it’s not really practical. We like to spend Christmas Eve together and only one of us would be able to go. Instead we go to a Christmas Eve service aimed at children. We sometime go to church on Christmas Day too, but it’s not set in stone. We’ll go to midnight mass again when the children are old enough to come with us.

I'm sorry Jelly but I think that your resentment of your Dh and him going to two Church services are going to spoil the whole of Christmas if you're not careful.
I think that you need to deal with real problems in your marriage and only you know what they are.

For me midnight mass is the most special hour of Christmas. I would feel really trapped and unhappy if my DH didn't let me go.
Please let him share in this special service. Why would you be up wrapping presents? Why not do it together another time and then go to sleep or watch something you'd like to? Midnight mass usually starts at 11pm or later.

If the OP had said that her DH went out 3 nights a week cycling and had arranged 2 more cycling events over a special weekend, then there would have been much more sympathy
Because going cycling and attending religious services for a religious festival are totally comparable

DH doesn't get annoyed at me for going to church and say 'you can't go to choir because ypy already went to church' because firstly, he isn't a dickhead and secondly he understands that faith and hobbies are not the same thing.

You entire post seems based on the silly premise of 'religious observance = hobby time'.

Christmas weekend is special.
It is a Christian festival.

The OP may have reasons to be annoyed on other things but whining about a religious person observing their religion on a religious festival because they can't wrap presents together is silly.

She needs to get through Christmas (and do present wrapping some othef time in the 24 days of December) and fhen after Christmas deal with the real issues in the relationshio.

God I'm wondering if I'm missing something .. it's only a hour??
If him Missing for one hour completely ruins your evening than I think you have much bigger issues
Wrap the pressies before hand and put them in the boot of car and enjoy an hours peace

Yes! Amaried, it's about an hour. They can be together all evening, with the kids and then just the two of them relaxing (as long as they wrap the presents before). The Service would be an hour at 11pm
I can't get my head around it either!!!! It's not likened going to the pub all night and leaving her to it, then rolling in pissed. He's going to the most special Christmas Service of the year and he's a Christian. Bloody hell wiman, I think yabvu

MaisyPops, I appreciate that you are religious but many people are not. I am Catholic and go to Mass once a week but I never expect my atheist husband and children to attend or plan their day around my religious observation. It’s just not reasonable behaviour and my Catholicism/attendance at Mass doesn’t get me more virtue points than any other activity.

I could list all sorts of Catholic scandals over the years (and there have been many) showing that people behave badly in the name of religion. I think OP’s husband is not behaving in a particularly Christian fashion at Christmas or any other time of the year. I really don’t see how his rather unChristian practising of his faith trumps everything else.

Because going cycling and attending religious services for a religious festival are totally comparable

If they're both meaning you get to repeatedly check out of family life then they are comparable

We could wrap another day i suppose, but its harder to hide then as it needs storing better with nice wrapping /bows etc, and we have little space so its easier to do at the last minute.
Not read the whole thread but has this issue been resolved as i see a lot of people are telling you to wrap another night. Could they be stored in the loft if you have one? I've had the same issue myself with wrapped presents harder to store. Dh tended to take them out Christmas eve afternoon while i wrapped in our bedroom (kids not allowed in when they get back) and then stored them covered in our bedroom. That worked as only stocking presents were from santa and the rest from us.

Not rtft sorry, to many pages. I attend church most sundays. I dont go to midnight mass as its simply to late for me but I go to all the other services. I take the children (3 age 5 and under) with me 90% of the time but always ask them do they want to come. DH has only been with me twice, that's absolutely fine, his choice. I'd be extremely miffed if he told me I couldn't go though.

Just wrap presents another day, they're really not going to get ruined if they're wrapped a day or two earlier.