To not want dh to go to on midnight mass this year?

[Jellybellyqueen]

Dh goes to a church group once a week, church on sunday, and on special celebrations. He pretty much always goes to midnight mass on xmas eve, and also wants to go on xmas day, which we are spending at my parents this year. None of the (primary aged) dc are interested in going, nor am i, as he's the only religious one in the house. We've been as a family before, dc bored and me trying to keep them quiet, so im not doing it again.
Im also sick of staying in on my own wrapping presents on xmas eve. AIBU to ask him to give it a miss this once?

I think there's a much bigger issue here which is that his religious has taken on the role of "cannot - be -questioned- or-adapted-and-will-always-be-more-important-than-any-famiy-activity". As PP have said, midnight mass and on the day is unusually high and I know few people who feel the need to do both (and I know a LOT of religious people).

Similarly, you mention bible study or similar once a week that affects the whole family and church on sundays normally. I'd say you have to stop letting these things impact the rest of you. If he wants to have dinner early because he's got bible study, he can make himself something to eat and you and children will continue with your usual activities.

YABU if you expect him to give up church. YANBU if you ask him to compromise.

Rather Judgemental of you

It might be, for a theist. Luckily, I’m a Catholic atheist. Do love me some bible though. It’s a great read.

Especially given you seem to be well equipped with the reading of the NT you must have come across the story where Jesus refused to condemn the adulterous woman by now?...

No suggestion OP has been driven to such extremes as other men by her lazy arse husband (yet).

And yes, I know exactly what was meant, before anyone wades in to tell me.

I don't know enough about either Islam or Christianity to comment (atheist) Bertrand but the point is trying to get between someone and their religious practice on a large religious occasion for something as spurious as present wrapping is unfair. If there is something bigger going on in the relationship OP should deal with that face on.

Exactly, BarbarianMum.

Exactly workingbling and only those who have had experience of that will understand how the OP is feeling. I think she is BU for expecting him to, but she is NBU in feeling how she does.

To some christians. Especially the front row type. It will always come first. I'm talking as someone's daughter who's DM once refused to come to the ED when asked to by a nurse who was informing her I was very ill, my DM told the baffled nurse that she wasn't coming, she was in church. My DF on the other hand came straight from work and stayed with me all night.

Thankfully, DM has now come to her senses about how unreasonable that was, but she won't be the first or last Christian (or human even) to act like this.

Surely this is an issue for other Christians as well. Midnight on Christmas Eve is a busy time in lots of houses and pubs.

Maybe you should suggest to the church they have the service another night when people don’t have so many other important things to do?

Yeeeha

This has now gone a bit 'cancel the cheque' as people are still replying to the initial scenario without seeing from later posts that the husband doesn't pull his weight generally .

used to go with him but got shunted out when dc were born and he assumes its his right to go while i stay at home with the kids

I'd tell him you're thinking seriously about the place of God in your own life (true) and you want to go to midnight mass. He can stay at home with the kids and then he gets to go on Christmas Day. As a Christian he should do all he can to support you in solidifying your faith, so it ought to be his duty to make it possible for you to go - and since the kids will be asleep by 11pm, he needs to stay home.

Do this and after Christmas have the talk with him about how he needs to shape up domestically.

YABU. Err, isn't the point of Christmas to celebrate the birth of Christ? This is important to him, and it's only once a year! Agree for him to do more prep, wrap the pressies earlier and go with him. It's a time for sharing - so share.

Or just skip Christmas altogether.

Wrap the presents earlier, let him go to midnight mass. Maybe negotiate on Xmas day.

@Jellybellyqueen - I really would advise wrapping the presents well before Christmas - it must put so much stress on you on Christmas Eve, late at night when you are knackered anyway.

I do take your point about storage, but if you wrap the gifts, and just put the bows on when you put the presents out, that should be fine - I always wrap presents at least a couple of weeks before Christmas, and have never had any of them look battered or anything other than fine, when we put them out on Christmas Eve.

If I were you, I'd say to your dh that, if he wants to go to Midnight Mass, he needs to help you wrap and store the presents, one night well in advance, so all you need to do is put them out. That seems fair to me.

Yes, remind him what Christmas is all about! It's once a year and he is being totally selfish to leave his family on Present Wrapping Day and Present Opening Day. I wonder how anyone finds time to go to church over Christmas when there are gifts to be sorted

Love this.

Yabu

Definitely YANBU. Just because its a religious hobby does not not make it any different from, say, cycling or golf. He's shirking

Seriously? Being a practising Christian is a hobby?

Should people choose between Islam and tennis if time's a bit short?

OP, I remember you from other threads. Do you think that things will ever get better in this relationship?

Yup, religion is just another hobby. For some people it's a positive hobby (like helping out at the animal sanctuary, or fundraising for some or other good cause by running round the park). For others it's a more toxic hobby, that involves bullying and harassing those outside the hobby group.

And for people like OP's H, it's a hobby that serves as a way of getting out of any domestic work or childcare, because the hobby is So Important.

Another Christian here. OP’s DH is being selfish. Going to church at Christmas, or at any other time, should NOT be an excuse to abdicate from playing his part in family life. He should be helping you with present wrapping and other preparations for Christmas Day.

I’ve never gone to church for both Midnight Mass and on Christmas Day. We don’t have MM at the church we go to now anyway. I actually don’t go to church at all at Christmas sometimes because, shock horror, the turkey won’t cook itself. I let my DH take our DDs with him and I stay behind to do the work. I get some peace and quiet that way too.

"Should people choose between Islam and tennis if time's a bit short?"
No. But people may well have to choose between Islam and taking care of their families.

And for people like OP's H, it's a hobby that serves as a way of getting out of any domestic work or childcare, because the hobby is So Important

I can’t see what’s incompatible with going to mass not once but twice at Christmas AND being a fully functioning member of the household.

It’s just that this husband is selfish and shiftless. Odds on he’d be the same if you removed religion from the picture.

Oh he's being a cock. Not terribly Christian attitude to be selfish and self serving all year is it?

Get him to take the kids out for a couple of hours in the day xmas eve and you could wrap then and hide in car boot/shed in dustbin bags? Or you take them out and he can wrap?

I would better money on him sulking if you suggest either of these things though as he sounds like one of those men that create merry hell if they don't get to do exactly what they want with minimal interruption from family.

Seriously? Being a practising Christian is a hobby?

Yes it is.

Men are useless at wrapping presents.

Nonsense. I am a fab wrapper.

Women say stupid things.

OP, I don't know if you are still reading this but if you are, this thread is a classic example of if you take the opening post at face value, then it reads as a resounding YABU.

However, as many posters have pointed out (and I do think you have dodged this a little bit) the issue is NOT about your DH going to Midnight Mass and Christmas Day Service vs. you wrapping presents on your own on Christmas Eve.

This is about a DH who most of the time, leaves you to do everything and you are unhappy. This is the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak.

YANBU to talk to him about this. Recognising that because he is Forces (which does make sense as to why he has become a Christian since you married), this may well be important to him and help him cope BUT he must also act like a practising Christian in the home and when he is at home, he gives you all his full attention and actively takes part in family life and does tasks just like you do.

I fear that if you primarily start off with the fact you don't want him to go to MM and instead wrap presents with you, the real crux of the matter won't be resolved and it will just end up in a row.

Seriously? Being a practising Christian is a hobby?
Yes it is

You see, I don't get that at all. Religion - a system of spiritual faith, worship and belief. Hobby - non of those things (usually).

I think the OP's DH is being a dick and I'm not a practising Christian, but I still think writing off Christianity - and I assume therefore all other religions - as 'a hobby' is perhaps slightly reductive.

We'll have to agree to disagree!