To not want dh to go to on midnight mass this year?

[Jellybellyqueen]

Dh goes to a church group once a week, church on sunday, and on special celebrations. He pretty much always goes to midnight mass on xmas eve, and also wants to go on xmas day, which we are spending at my parents this year. None of the (primary aged) dc are interested in going, nor am i, as he's the only religious one in the house. We've been as a family before, dc bored and me trying to keep them quiet, so im not doing it again.
Im also sick of staying in on my own wrapping presents on xmas eve. AIBU to ask him to give it a miss this once?

Oh so he is one of those Christians then? The sort that conveniently forget their faith and their bible when they walk out of church? What my mum calls "Front Row Worshippers".

I agree that he sounds like a twat and that has nothing to do with his beliefs in God but in his attitude to you.

I'd leave him to it. Wrap your presents early and put them in black bin liners and hide them around the house or take them to in-laws or friends with older kids or even neighbours with no kids, to hoard them for you. That's what my family do! Then have a really nice Christmas Eve together, wave his off to his Church Thing and go to bed. If treat it like a sport, if you can understand what I mean. For Football, Fishing etc. read Church.
Stops all the bad feeling, doesn't it?

YANBU - any other hobby that took him out of the house twice and week and allowed him to check out of family life regularly and he would be criticised

Both my DH and me have interests that take us out of the house at least twice a week - often more. But that’s fine because we both do our fair share at home.

I wouldn’t criticise anyone for having a hobby/interest. But when they are lazy the rest of the time, then it becomes unfair.

OP, if your DH was fully involved at other times, would you feel better about his religion taking up family time? You seem resentful about the time he spends at church year round, not just at Christmas. I can understand this if he is lazy when he is at home.

You've posted before OP I think. Is your DH the one who is very particular about cleaning?

Oh so he is one of those Christians then? The sort that conveniently forget their faith and their bible when they walk out of church? What my mum calls "Front Row Worshippers".

Have I missed a post?

Op, I have a faith that takes up quite a bit of my time, and I have to say, YANBU at all. It's fair enough to have a faith, and to devote time to it, but it's a pretty rotten faith expression if he places it over anything to do with you and the kids. I think in your place I'd be saying either xmas day OR midnight mass, not both.

I am always very conscious of the men in my place of worship whose families are not with them, and while I honour and respect their faith, I'd respect any of them a lot less if I knew they were neglecting their families to do it.

Attending church is only part of being a Christian IMO.
How a person treats their friends and family should reflect their faith.
So kindness, fairness and unselfishness should be a priority for Christians.

For Football, Fishing etc. read Church. Stops all the bad feeling, doesn't it?

errrr...no!

How patronising!

Its nothing to do with the fact that it is church but he fact that he says he is doing XYZ with no consideration for the OP and what she has to do without his help. If he said "I am going to MM and church on Xmas day, when shall we do the wrapping? Do you want me to do the veggies before I leave for MM" or whatever then it would make all the difference in the world.

It is, as always with this kind of person, not the activity that is the problem but the fact that he prioritises it, and himself, over the whole rest of the family/event.

Midnight mass and Christmas day mass are not the same. YABU to stop him going to both. If you don't like home going to midnight mass, why don't you all go to the family mass? But if none of you want to go then don't!

ItsAMessyLife

I was referring to the fact that he seems to be a Christian outside the home but not much of one when he is in it, judging by the way he treats the OP.

Or as endofthelinefinally says

"Attending church is only part of being a Christian IMO.
How a person treats their friends and family should reflect their faith.
So kindness, fairness and unselfishness should be a priority for Christians."

I'm not religious but I think it's so important to respect it when you have family or friends who are. My mother was always religious and wanted to go to Church, she respected my decision not to go and I did the same. It's obvious your DH wants to go and its a tradition, if you can't and don't want to go and neither do the DC's then just wrap presents on the 23rd and until he goes. He'll only be there for a maximum of 2 hours anyway! x

the problem is he is a lazy arse then.

which sort of church is it that he attends? Most would be horrified that he was pulling his finger out at home. Hopefully he is not going to one of the ones that misinterpret the Bible for their own ends.. ie women are to be subserviant.

To op's husband: church is not an excuse to not pull your weight. You are supposed to love your wife as Christ loved the church... share the load equally. Facilitate your wife with her hobbies/interests too.

ask him how his attitude reflects the "fruits of the spirit" (love joy, peace, patience, kindnes, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control)

doesn't seem he is being kind or good leaving you to do all the wife work and child care.

Jellybellyqueen it is very clear you have some very big issues wiht your husabnd. I think you need to seriously think about marriage counselling.

For the record I am a Christian and think attending services is very important for my faith, so can understand your husband's view in that. However, being a Christian is not just about going to church and if he is reading his Bible he should have an idea about self sacrifice and care for his wife.

He should be cherishing his wife (as him to look up Ephesians 5:25 in the Bible!).

"I just think it would be nice not to be abandoned one year after over a decade of it!" He is not abandoning you, he is going to a religious service when many people would actually be in bed! However, I think your choice of word is interesting.

I think he has abandoned you, in a sense, putting his efforts into church attendance and not into family life, or pulling his weight in the home. He has not loved you in the say he should.

Whether you want to continue putting up with this, is up to you.

But I am sure you know it is a much bigger issue.

Did you post this exact problem before, or about Sunday services before? Or was it another poster?

I know masses of Christian women married to non-Christian men who would love their dh to come to church at a special time of year. However, I think all women want their partner to be engaged with family life and pulling their weight.

May I ask which denomination he goes to? Lots of people seem to be assuming it is Roman Catholic but the Anglican Church usually calls Communion on Christmas Eve as Midnight Mass. And it is not the same service as Christmas day since it happens in the middle of the night, begins the night before (24th) so you take communion at the start of Christmas Day.

Wrap presents earlier. Sit with a glass of wine and let him go to mass it’s clearly important to him.

The problem is not the xmas mass, it's your dh. Pick something he cares about eg dinner time and stop doing it for him. You need him to contribute more.

Personally re mass I'd say he takes the dc, that's what my dh does with a high energy toddler. I wouldn't go along and be stressed looking after them while he communes peacefully. If religion is important to him he should be very keen for his children to be involved. If of course it's about getting away from his family he'll be less keen.

For helping with present hiding with little hiding space, I recommend these type of jumbo storage bags. Very big & pretty & hard wearing, I've only once not been able to hide a gift in it (a toy key blade that needed a blanket to hide). I have one for each of my kids and it really reduced my stress about the wrapping and stuff. My older kids prefer to have their gifts from the bag rather than having wrapping paper (partially because they like the bags as I let the pick them out and because they're both very environmental at the moment. We do gift giving on New Years though so no Father Christmas involved).

As for your spouse, it does sound like the gift wrapping is another straw on a very tired camel's back. You're doing all this facilitating for him and getting very little of the same care from him back. I think a big sit down and talk is needed. I don't think you're being unreasonable to want more family time and for more of your ideas to be considered though whether Midnight Mass will be a good compromise spot for you and your spouse. I hope he'll listen to you and you can come to something good for you.

What Italian greyhound said more eloquently than I could... very perceptive

I am a Christian (currently go to Baptist church but raised Anglican) and must admit that you do come across (a minority) of men in churches who are very devout in church but use the bible to justify being inflexible and misogynistic at home (hope he's not one of these)

Otherwise I'd echo the general... get him to pick one service, wrap earlier with good paperror and try to address the general distribution of family work load.

Hope you sort this well before Christmas... or you'll all be miserable

Personally re mass I'd say he takes the dc, that's what my dh does with a high energy toddler. I wouldn't go along and be stressed looking after them while he communes peacefully. If religion is important to him he should be very keen for his children to be involved. If of course it's about getting away from his family he'll be less keen.

It says in the OP that the children aren't interested.

Yanbu.

Whether anyone thinks I’m being goady/bigoted or not, I believe (and my beliefs are to be respected as much as anyone’s) that this mans family, ie REAL PEOPLE should come before anything else.

I was referring to the fact that he seems to be a Christian outside the home but not much of one when he is in it, judging by the way he treats the OP.

Oh I see Pyongyang. I don't disagree!

I go to Midnight Mass, I love it and its a highlight of my year. However if it bothers you this much you could maybe ask him to go on Christmas day (which is lot more child friendly) itself?

I wouldn't dream of taking primary aged children to midnight Mass, in fact I don't think I have ever seen one there.

It sounds like you have tried hard to get your kids involved in church for your husbands sake and it has not gone well. Does Messy Church not agree with them?

We have issues with our teen now over church, it's hard.

@MrsTerryPratchett At the start of the thread you said "It's Christmas and you want to prioritise the feelings of a grown man over the feelings and sleep of primary school aged children?"

I find this very odd. Haven't you seen the new JD Williams advert about how Christmas is not just for kids!?

Christmas is not all about children. It is a festival for all ages to celebrate and be special. Our current society seems to run massively around what some children want, and some of us are, myself included, sadly - raising a generation of self-obsessed, self-absorbed, screen-addicted youngsters. I think being part of a cultural, religious or community activity is very good for children.

Being bored or having to quietly amuse themselves is not a bad thing for children.

Clearly lots of people do not want to celebrate Christmas from a religious perspective and that is fine, and their choice. But passing on a belief or faith to children is completely reasonable and logical for families to do if they wish to and is not prioritizing 'a man' over children.

Likewise one could go to a carol service as part of a community without totally buying into that faith, just as I have visited mosques, and religious buildings for Sikhs, Buddhists and Hindus without 'buying into' those religions.

Pyongyang
Imo everyone has the right to their individual activities, obviously with some give and take. A lot of men go to a football match or some sport, some just go to the pub.

This guy goes to Church, it's his "thing", why would you try to stop him going to the equivalent of the FA Cup, to wrap presents?
There must be give and take, it's very important to him, so can she not say, yes that is fine but we need to fit the parcel wrapping and vegetable chopping around it.
What do you want her to do? Bloody divorce him for going to Church?
That will solve it then, won't it?
Words fail.......

This is basically a man who has no interest in doing anything like his share of the domestic work and childcare. The OP and the DC are props to his image of himself, and the fact that his leisure excuse for being out of the house and doing fuck all is a superstition rather than eg going to the gym or playing Warhammer round a mate's house doesn't make it any more important.
He wants to go twice, leaving OP with both the present-wrapping and the hassle of trying to cook the dinner with excited DC running round in circles. He doesn't seem to have any interest in her at all.