To not want dh to go to on midnight mass this year?

[Jellybellyqueen]

Dh goes to a church group once a week, church on sunday, and on special celebrations. He pretty much always goes to midnight mass on xmas eve, and also wants to go on xmas day, which we are spending at my parents this year. None of the (primary aged) dc are interested in going, nor am i, as he's the only religious one in the house. We've been as a family before, dc bored and me trying to keep them quiet, so im not doing it again.
Im also sick of staying in on my own wrapping presents on xmas eve. AIBU to ask him to give it a miss this once?

Frankly if my DH started believing in imaginary beings I’d have him committed.

You're so witty!

Thanks love and whisky.
What gets me most about a lot of the replies on here is that what i actually wrote is being discounted, and ppl are giving me crap for things i have already said iabu about. I haven't drip fed, i have explained if something else has been asked or misunderstood (apart from the forces bit, but i was offering sympathy, i didnt think it relevant to my OP). And still someone will post that iabu because im not letting him go. Which is not the case. He's going both days. I give up.

Defo YABU
He goes every year and every Sunday he seems very committed I would never stand In his way for his faith if you and dcs don’t want to go don’t but don’t stop him. Also why and earth are u wrapping presents on Xmas eve.

I think if you delegate some of the responsibility to him you can make everyone happy. Divvy up present buying write a list together & he can buy wrap & hide it. That way he can go to mass on Xmas eve & Xmas day. We as a family go Xmas morning. Presents from Santa first, breakfast, go to church, coffee & cake after then home by 11am to open the rest of the gifts & whatever our day holds. I have only been more involved since my children were born so I also wasn't a practicing Catholic when DH & I got together. He quite enjoys his Sunday mornings by himself as he's not catholic so I take the kids. My youngest is 2 & he's fine. Can get a bit squirmy but the more we go the more he'll know what's happening.

I don’t really see why he needs to go twice to be fair. We go to one or the other. What does he say when you ask him about it?

Frankly if my DH started believing in imaginary beings I’d have him committed.

Believing in a higher power isn’t actually in the DSM list of mental orders so you may struggle in your quest to go all Nurse Ratched on him.

Fortunately, being a goady bigot colonialist of the mind isn’t on the DSM list either so you’re safe for the time being. 👍

@Jellybellyqueen I think he's BU because it is making you unhappy! Honestly GOD/Jesus would hate that you felt like this! The compromise should be you all go Christmas Day as a family for him. It's usually an hours service so not too long to chase kids around.

It's the same service. The day mass is for those who couldn't attend at midnight.

That's if you view mass as = the taking of bread and wine. I view the service as the whole bundle - music, sermon, hymns, prayers. They are not the same on both occasions.

At our old church where there was much singing and trumpets and stuff, the Midnight Eucharist was very different in flavour to the morning Christmas Day service, the latter being aimed at children and families, different hymns etc.
I really enjoyed both but for reasons of tiredness don't go to both in the same year.
If you have so many presents that you are still wrapping at 11pm on Christmas Eve you probably need to wrap them as they arrive and hide them wrapped. We wrap our immediate family presents on Christmas Eve because there aren't that many of them, and I do agree about not putting them under the tree before Christmas Eve - not because Santa brings every single present under our tree (he doesn't) but because small children have poky fingers and can't resist opening things.

If I had small DC that would be up at the crack of dawn on Christmas day (which indeed I do) I wouldn't be going to Midnight Mass (which indeed I don't). I'll go again when they are older and want to come too/can be relied on to sleep in.

I wouldnt put my primary age DC through midnight mass. To get a seat you need to be there by 1030pm at the latest. Then mass at midnight. its way too long to keep overtired over excited children still and listening for.

We go to the early morning 8am mass, we're home by 9am. when the kids are a little older we'll go to the main 10am mass.

CBA to RTFT so sorry if things have moved on but this is a resounding YABU from me!

If you don't want to spend Christmas Eve wrapping alone, you have a whole month between now and then in which to wrap presents.

In fact my husband started wrapping last night (bully for me I know)! If it's. Or possible to do any wrapping between now and then perhaps your husband just has to suck up that he'll do half the wrapping when he returns from midnight mass (or before he goes out to midnight mass) if you feel that strongly about it.

Also, for those who have religious beliefs (my DH is CoE and I'm Agnostic), Christmas can be a nice time for them to be involved in the church, clearly it's important to him.

Honestly GOD/Jesus would hate that you felt like this!

He told you this, did he?

See, my reading of the NT inclines me to think God/Jesus would be more likely to tell her to get her sinful self down to MM on the double and repent.

He facilitates nothing. The only reason he cleans up after dinner is because he bitched about how i did it, so one day I stopped doing it. Same with putting the bins out. Yet expects the household to revolve around his evening out (early dinner, so nothing else happens on this day) and Sundays at church. All year.

I'm not sure why you want to spend time with him as you don't sound as if you like him.

Not sure if anyone else has had this but dd2 sings in the Abbey choir so does loads over Xmas Inc Xmas day. It's bloody lovely and we just get organised a bit earlier. Wrapping presents on Xmas eve is one of my least favourite things to do.

nike im not insisting all presents are wrapped on xmas eve. I said this is what we do normally in OP, and have since said id sort it alternatively.

YABU and your negative attitude is probably one reason why the kids don't enjoy it
Thx armadillo. Not that its relevant (before you accuse me of dripfeeding), but i took dc to church with him in good faith a number of times, including while he was away. Also regularly to messy church after school, and eldest to church choir. I wouldn't call that a negative attitude. I have always spoken fairly and positively, dc made their own minds up about not wanting to go because the services (and Sunday school) were boring.

I don’t really see why he needs to go twice to be fair. We go to one or the other. What does he say when you ask him about it?

Surely religion is very personal and not a box ticking exercise? People observe their Christianity in many different ways and he may feel like he gains something from attending both masses.

Having said that OP, you should tell him how you feel and see if he'll drop one of the masses. If he won't, I wouldn't push him on it. I think the conversation about him pulling his weight should be separate.

he has nothing else to do with present planning, buying, letters to santa reindeer food, etc

He facilitates nothing. The only reason he cleans up after dinner is because he bitched about how i did it, so one day I stopped doing it. Same with putting the bins out. Yet expects the household to revolve around his evening out (early dinner, so nothing else happens on this day) and Sundays at church. All year.

Honestly, it sounds like he is a bit of a tit all year and it just comes to a head on Xmas Eve.

I would advise wrap the presents earlier. I only leave stockings for Christmas Eve.
I think you are being a little unkind- it's not a hobby, it's a faith.
Not allowing him to go to church at Christmas is unfair. If it were literally a weeks Christian etreat I would understand but you are being unfair I think.

YANBU - any other hobby that took him out of the house twice and week and allowed him to check out of family life regularly and he would be criticised.

Suddenly because it's religion it is fine?

The issue isn't that he wants to go to church, it's that he is unwilling to compromise.

But that's not related to him doing his fair share of work in the house .

Sorry I haven't read full thread but just wanted to say I am a Christian and I LOVE midnight Mass. But I haven't been for the last 9 years because I have kids and I don't want to keep them up that late (but I do want them to go to church so we go on Christmas morning) and it doesn't fit with the present wrapping.

I do see the point that he is a Christian so of course he wants to celebrate Christmas but maybe he could compromise in choosing just one service over the two days so he can balance with the need of his family. It's not like you are asking him to renounce his religion or anything!

So perhaps he could miss midnight Mass and help you wrap then take the kids with him on Christmas morning while you chill/prep other stuff (IME the morning service is usually made jolly for the kids anyway and not so adult/boring).

Or he could stick with the midnight Mass then muck in on Christmas morning with tidying up the wrapping paper/getting dinner ready/building Lego etc.

OP
I can see that, despite the fact that his faith appears to be real, the problem you have is that he is using it to opt out of family life and to abdicate responsibilty for child related stuff to you.
You are frustrated because when you complain about it everyone turns on you for not respecting his need to practice his religion.

Going against the grain here - but that'd piss me off too, OP.

I don't think it's so much about the services, but about his presumption that you will pick up the slack when he's not there, and his lack of support and negotiation, while he comes and goes as he pleases. Dare I say it, it seems that he belives that what you're doing is 'wife work'. It's also pretty hurtful that your DH choose to be elsewhere, when you and the kids would really appreciate spending some special time with him over the festive period.

Of course he should have the freedom to practise his religion - but he is also a member of a family, and it seems that he doesn't bear that into consideration when he's planning his time.

Or indeed what endoftheline said fair more succinctly.

YABU, but so is he if he's leaving you to do the work. I generally do most of the wrapping in advance, finish off on Christmas Eve after the children are in bed with DP, some mulled wine and carols or a Christmas story film and then head out to midnight mass. The wrapping should be done by then, but if not, DP does most of the rest while I'm at MM, and I tidy up all the wrapping stuff and fill the stockings when I get in. The work is divided up fairly, everyone gets time to do what they want, and it's all fine.

It seems to me that the problem isn't your DH going to church, so much as it is him bowing out of family stuff.

He really does sound a bit of a knob OP who isn't prepared to compromise. Yeah, faith isn't about box ticking etc but like a pp said, it sounds like he's selfish all the time and you want a Christmas evening of doing something together after the kids have gone to bed. I said earlier YABU to wrap presents so late but if it wasn't presents and it was doing say veg prep or whatever it would be the same. To just want to not have to do it all by yourself?

His faith is his priority, you've accomodated that but would like a bit of compromise. An either/or. Which actually, is fair enough.

Fwiw I get it.