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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
expatinspain · 23/11/2017 12:57

I think FWB is having a relationship of sorts, albeit casual and no-strings, but you do care for each other. The point of it is you do spend time together, it's not a midnight call and a quick shag. If you can avoid one of you developing stronger feelings and are both very clear on this, it can work. I had this with a very old friend who I went to school with. It worked pretty well and we are both in other relationships now and are still good friends. I preferred this than one night stands. There was usually alcohol involved in the benefits but though Grin

TheStoic · 23/11/2017 12:57

My question was, would you be happy with an actual relationship that only consisted of dinner & sex???

Can’t answer for Jilly, obviously.

IamPickleRick · 23/11/2017 12:58

I really can't get worked up about this. What's your problem with other people's sex lives? YABU.

mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 13:00

TheStoic that was my fuck buddy arrangement 😂😂 but it isn't the sort of arrangement i'd want with someone i considered my partner

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 13:00

Because FWB is an arrangement to meet up semi regularly for sex

That's what makes it completely perfect though.

Your idea of meeting someone, jumping into bed with pure lust makes it sound really easy but it's not. You have to go out on the pull, you have to get all dressed up, you have to play a role you don't necessarily want to play, you have to go back to the home of a complete stranger or have them back to yours, you very often have to put up with crap sex if you manage to meet someone you want to fuck anyway. It's a lot of effort and it's pretty dangerous at times.

FwB is perfect though because you're guaranteed good sex (because you come to know what each other likes) with someone you know, trust and can relax with in a place you feel safe.

Plus don't forget this is friends with benefits we're talking about so very often you can combine this great sex with a nice meal out or an evening in, good chat, a few drinks etc.

KnittingNancy2017 · 23/11/2017 13:02

Oh I don't know - it sounds easier to extricate yourself from that than a full-on emotional relationship with no sex! I did that once (not an affair, both single, but I'd just lost a family member, he was struggling with poor MH and we came to rely on each other rather a lot, despite not being each other's type at all), it was miserable.

Saying that, I don't think I could do it - I like cuddles and closeness too much, and having to keep it in a "just sex" box wouldn't work for me.

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 13:03

So if you hang out together, what is the actual difference between that and an actual relationship where neither of you want to move in together/get married?

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 13:05

You're not emotionally attached on a romantic level.

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 13:06

So if you hang out together, what is the actual difference between that and an actual relationship where neither of you want to move in together/get married?

You don't love each other. You wouldn't be sad if your FwB decided to stop fucking you. You aren't exclusive. You have no obligations to them. You don't meet their family or friends. You can go months without meeting and it's not a "problem". You don't envisage a future together.

TheStoic · 23/11/2017 13:07

No expectations. Potentially no expectations of exclusivity. No duty to do couple-y things that you don’t want to do.

JustWonderingZ · 23/11/2017 13:09

Cherylarue
The man I go to bed with is definitely 'good enough' - he's kind, clever, respectful, clean, good in bed.

HE treats me better than some on these boards are treated by their husbands and father of their children!

I don't have a more involved relationship with him because I dont want one.

So if I understand correctly, you will be happy for this ‘better than most’ man to walk out the door tomorrow and to never see him again? No pangs of the heart, no regrets? See I will struggle with that. I am rather on the introverted end of the scale, so letting somebody into my personal space is kinda significant for me, whether it is sex or friendship. I am just as ‘picky’ as to who I call friends, as who I sleep with. I feel I would be giving them a part of myself, my mind, heart or my body. I don’t think I will be able to detach to that level, nor would I want to. Rather be celibate.

My DH and I are similar in that respect. He is also a guy who would rather wait and we both had long spells without any sex between relationships. However, for me it’s nothing to do with sex drive, as we both have higher than average drive. It is more to do with can you handle the emotional side of FwB arrangement. I know I can’t.

Having said that, I certainly wouldn’t stop other people enjoying themselves and doings things which make them happy. Live and let live!

Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 13:09

To be in a relationship their needs to be feelings it’s not hard to differentiate between a true relationship and FWB

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 13:10

Not all people who are in a relationship love each other.
Do you mean you are not allowed to be sad if your FWB arrangement ends?
Not all relationships are exclusive
No obligations just seems another way of saying you do not have to have any regard for their feelings. We are not going to have sex again - don't be sad, you knew what you were getting in to. I am making out with your friend in front of you - don't complain, we are only FWBs.
Lots of relationships do not envisage a long term future together.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 23/11/2017 13:11

What exactly are you trying to say? I am not following your logic.

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 13:12

I don't even like hugging someone that I have no positive feelings for, certainly would not want to have sex with someone with no feelings involved at all. Doesn't have to be love, but like and attracted to.

And some relationships are brilliant.

OP posts:
Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 13:14

There’s a difference between having positive feelings for someone and being in a relationship :s

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 13:14

TheStoic That some people who are promoting FWBs have a very narrow idea of what a relationship has to be. For example, when at University I went out with a man about my age. Never met his family and we met up about twice a week, did fun things, and often had sex. I did not do any coupley things and did not think we had a long term future. But I wasn't looking for a Husband. It was fun, but it was a relationship.

OP posts:
Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 13:15

He probably thinks you were FWBs.

You’re acting like people who have had a FWB set up have never been in a relationship

TheStoic · 23/11/2017 13:16

I don't even like hugging someone that I have no positive feelings for, certainly would not want to have sex with someone with no feelings involved at all.

But surely you understand that someone would have positive feelings towards a friend?

mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 13:18

Brasty when you hook up with a FwB you both know that it isn't forever. So no, when mine left & then found himself a relationship i wasn't sad, i was quite chuffed for him. The idea is that it scratches an itch with someone who knows what you like & vice versa. It's more planned than a ONS but it's far safer!

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 13:18

No we were not FWBs, we were going out together. None of this, well it could stop anytime and I don't even have to explain myself nonsense.

OP posts:
JustWonderingZ · 23/11/2017 13:18

GameOldBirdz
You don't love each other. You wouldn't be sad if your FwB decided to stop fucking you. You aren't exclusive. You have no obligations to them. You don't meet their family or friends. You can go months without meeting and it's not a "problem". You don't envisage a future together.

Personally, for me I see no value in an arrangement like this. I see no point in engaging in something both participants know is a dead end from the word go. I wouldn’t even want to spend any of my time on this.

From this thread it is clear that FwB arrangement does add value to some people’s lives. So bully for them, but I am pass.

mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 13:18

Yeah Brasty your 'relationship' at Uni is what I would consider a FwB set up

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 13:19

Not all people who are in a relationship love each other

Confused Then I don't really see the point in being in a relationship.

Do you mean you are not allowed to be sad if your FWB arrangement ends?

You can feel however the fuck you like but if your husband called you one day and said "Really sorry but this isn't working for me, I want to stop seeing you" you'd feel a lot more hurt than if your FwB did the same. Of course you might feel a bit deflated but, ultimately, neither of you had made a commitment, hadn't become emotionally involved so why would you feel sad?

Not all relationships are exclusive

Well, I think that's a wider debate to be had. But, either way, if you're in a relationship but still fuck other people your relationship is still your "central" relationship IYSWIM. The other men are just flings/bit on the side. FwB isn't like that as there is no "central" relationship.

No obligations just seems another way of saying you do not have to have any regard for their feelings

Kind of, yes. In my early 20s I didn't have the time, inclination or head space to care about anyone else's lives/feelings/problems. What I meant more than obligations about feelings was obligations like meeting family, going to family weddings, spending every weekend together. Relationships are about give-and-take, when I had FwB, I had absolutely no desire to "give" my time/space/life/emotions.

We are not going to have sex again - don't be sad, you knew what you were getting in to. I am making out with your friend in front of you - don't complain, we are only FWBs

Yeah, that's basically it.

Lots of relationships do not envisage a long term future together

But with an FwB you don't necessarily even envisage a short-term together. It's fun for now but in 2, 3, 5 years who knows!

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 13:19

I can never accept that sex is like scratching an itch. That just devalues it so much.

OP posts: