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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
formerbabe · 23/11/2017 11:01

I'm not looking to live with anyone again

I think it definitely works better for those women who've been there, done that in terms of long-term cohabitation/marriage/kids etc.

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 11:05

What if the contraception fails and you end up with a baby? You'll be in a (very different) relationship then

Confused That's a really odd thing to say.

Firstly, accidental and unwanted pregnancies can happen in LTRs as well. Secondly, a pregnancy doesn't equal a baby because the woman can terminate if she chooses. Thirdly, even if she chooses not to terminate, she still might not want an LTR with the father so while their relationship will change somewhat, they don't have to run down the aisle and live happily ever after. Finally, most importantly, I assume all FWB situations take full responsibility to ensure unwanted pregnancy doesn't happen.

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 11:08

Stevie

Sharing space, discussing wallpaper designs and bickering about whose turn it is to put the bin out are for a better woman than I

Don't put yourself down, it's not for better women, just different Grin

For me, I hated the idea of sharing time and having obligations in an LTR.

I saw friends in my early 20s getting into relationships and then complaining about having to go and visit their DP's parents or go a DP's family wedding or compromise on how they spent Christmas to keep their ILs happy. No, fuck that, that wasn't for me at all.

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 11:11

Though I did once go to a family wedding of a FWB. It was great actually, I felt no obligation at all to "behave well" or "be on show" as I think I would've done if I'd been his proper partner.

Not that I misbehaved of course but, for example, his mother was a very nasty woman so I just blanked her all evening as I had zero obligation to be nice to her.

chestylarue52 · 23/11/2017 11:22

For me, I either like the guy or I don’t. I could never think: “He is ok for sex, but not good enough as a full package”. For me if he isn’t good enough, he isn’t good enough. I would rather be on my own until such time the ‘right’ guy comes along. If I really liked somebody and he suggested FwB, again that would tell me I do not make the grade for him. So thanks, but no thanks.

The man I go to bed with is definitely 'good enough' - he's kind, clever, respectful, clean, good in bed.

HE treats me better than some on these boards are treated by their husbands and father of their children!

I don't have a more involved relationship with him because I dont want one

Graphista · 23/11/2017 11:56

Wow! Judgmental!

Just because something isn't for you doesn't make it tacky!

I've had fwb over the last 5 years at various points, the arrangements have ended either because I was too busy to continue or they were or they moved away. Current Fwb coming over today. He is a carer for a family member so doesn't want the additional commitment of a relationship. Both single, enjoy same kind of sex and get along on a friend level.

I'm not looking for a relationship either.

I always practice safe sex and also on the pill.

It's far safer than hooking up with some random on a night out, we communicate well (which makes the sex better) and it gives me a real boost to my confidence and mood.

It's not for everyone but then the idea of being married again isn't for me but I don't criticise those for whom it works (which in my experience though is very few) we're not all the same.

In my friendship circle I have friends that are married to childhood sweethearts been married 20+ years, only ever slept with each other, very happy together and some who've never had serious relationships, don't want marriage/children and have casual sex and are also Shock very happy.

The sweeping generalisations are bonkers, I also have male friends who have never had a ons as its not in their nature they've only had serious relationships.

I'm intrigued as to the motivation for the post, why now op? What triggered the thought?

Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 12:00

I was with my ex FIANCÉ for just over 10 years I was told I couldn’t have kids, I found out I was pregnant he left.

So long term relationships people fuck off too, god some people are naive

stevie69 · 23/11/2017 12:04

*@GameOldBirdz * Thank you. I just have huge commitment issues and love the freedom that living on my own and not being in a 'conventional' relationship bring. However, I do always feel slightly 'selfish' if I'm being totally honest. It must be lovely to want to love and cherish one special person. But I just don't want to do that.

I do love my friends though. All of them Smile

BitchQueen90 · 23/11/2017 12:14

For me it's not about not thinking he's good enough. I just don't want a conventional relationship and that's that. I don't want to have to consider somebody else's feelings. I have my life with DS and I want to keep anything else separate.

As for how we arrange it, I just let him know when my DS will be with his dad. Then we make arrangements from there.

I married too young (age 21) and I feel like I wasted a lot of time on the wrong person so now I just want to be free.

TheStoic · 23/11/2017 12:17

I don’t understand why it would be ‘tacky’. How is it different to or worse than other casual sex?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/11/2017 12:21

I haven't RTFT but personally the idea of marriage makes me puke and I'd much prefer FWB if I was still into that sort of thing. I'd much prefer a cat though!

VioletHaze · 23/11/2017 12:25

For me, I either like the guy or I don’t. I could never think: “He is ok for sex, but not good enough as a full package”. For me if he isn’t good enough, he isn’t good enough. I would rather be on my own until such time the ‘right’ guy comes along. If I really liked somebody and he suggested FwB, again that would tell me I do not make the grade for him. So thanks, but no thanks.

The last person I had a FWB deal with was great. Lovely. Awesome. We just wanted different things that made us incompatible as partners - I loved travel, she doesn't, I wanted kids some day, she didn't, she was much more career oriented than me and didn't have a lot of time for dating. But we fancied each other a lot. We used to set aside time for a dirty weekend every couple of months, go away to a hotel and have a break from life with each other.

Eventually it fizzled, we moved on to other partners and we're only vaguely in touch now but it was fun. It wasn't that either of us weren't "good" enough. We just wanted different things that made us incompatible long term. So we had some fun instead.

ThymeLord · 23/11/2017 12:27

There's a real whiff of religious misogyny about this thread.

Jilly12345 · 23/11/2017 12:41

@mustbemad17

Jilly so you'd be happy with a relationship that revolved around a nice dinner, a quick fuck & then that's your lot??

I never said that. You must be getting me mixed up with another poster.

ThymeLord · 23/11/2017 12:47

so you'd be happy with a relationship that revolved around a nice dinner, a quick fuck & then that's your lot??

Sounds good to me. Where do I sign up for that?

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 12:48

I am not religious at all. This has nothing to do with religion. But yes I do think it is tacky to have someone you just meet for with sex regularly, as if it is meaningless.

OP posts:
Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 12:50

And plenty of people have always had relationships that are not about marriage and kids. Maybe only seeing each other at weekends, or a short term relationship. But it is a relationship, not lets just meet up for a fuck.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 23/11/2017 12:51

But didn’t you say you didn’t have a problem with casual sex?

How is FWB different?

ThymeLord · 23/11/2017 12:51

Right. Thankfully your opinions don't have any bearing on who, when or why other people fuck.

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 12:53

Because FWB is an arrangement to meet up semi regularly for sex. Its not meeting someone, really fancying them and jumping into bed with them - that is pure lust. FWB is a much more transactional kind of set up.

And I wrote this post because I come across more and more young people who have FWB.

OP posts:
Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 12:54

Brasty at the end of the day it’s non of your business and you need to spend your time thinking about more important stuff than other people’s sex lived

Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 12:55

Lives

TheStoic · 23/11/2017 12:55

Do you think people have sex with friends they DON’T lust after?

I think you may have the wrong end of the stick.

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 12:55

I know it is none of my business. But the same could be said about most threads in AIBU

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 12:56

Nope Jilly my comment was definitely to you.

nice meals out, and sex, is not a relationship.
Umm, it kind of is.....

^ your comment. My question was, would you be happy with an actual relationship that only consisted of dinner & sex???