AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

[brasty]

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

@mustbemad17 I'm working on it. I work with lots of very young, very clever, very pretty men ....

YANBU @brasty

I don't judge, but I don't get it. How can they keep on being FWB, without someone getting emotionally attached? I just can't get my head round it.

Does one of the 2, just text the other and say 'fancy a fuck?' 'err not right now, I have 3 episodes of Game of Thrones to catch up on!' 'OK then, message me when you are finished and I'll come round with the condoms.'

Quite a few posters on here are saying their FWB ended up staying many years/marrying them a few years later/living with them, which suggests they were, in fact, not friends with benefits at ALL.

@MissWilmottsGhost

FWBs are a bit like threesomes, a great idea in theory but sooner or later emotions get involved and it ends with someone being badly hurt.

I had a FWB. His idea, I would have preferred a proper relationship, but the sex was good so I went with it. Then I met someone else who did want a relationship, and told FWB the deal was off. He cried and tried to kill himself. We had been friends for years and I felt terrible for hurting him.

IMO, and like PP pointed out, regular sex with someone you like a lot is a relationship, and emotional attachments will often happen whether you want them to or not.

This ^

I don't think it's vulgar or tacky or nasty at all. Just a bit odd. And as I said, I don't really buy it, and like some other posters, I think it is actually a relationship, (whether the people involved like to admit it or not...!)

@rousette

I think it’s envy coz people haven’t had the opportunity to have a FWB

Dream on. Most women have had the offer of a regular, casual fuck. Most of us choose not to do it. For various reasons.

nice meals out, and sex, is not a relationship.

Ummm, it kind of is............

@brasty

No - a relationship does not mean you have to share a life together. You can have casual fun relationships, or deeply committed ones. But you are in a relationship.

Agree.

@formerbabe

women often opt for fwb arrangements as the 'next best thing' to what they actually want. But, like I said, correct me if I'm wrong.

But please don't pretend there aren't women who are hoping there fwb turns round one day and confesses his undying love to her and they live happily ever after...or that they are taking the next best situation to what they want because the men will either let them down or not commit fully to them.

Agree with this too.

Some women are probably happy to have casual fucks with their 'FWB,' but some are hoping to have a relationship.

I’m a great believer in live and let live, so certainly wouldn’t judge anyone who enters a FwB set up. But if I am honest, I don’t get it. Each to their own and courses for horses etc. For me, I either like the guy or I don’t. I could never think: “He is ok for sex, but not good enough as a full package”. For me if he isn’t good enough, he isn’t good enough. I would rather be on my own until such time the ‘right’ guy comes along. If I really liked somebody and he suggested FwB, again that would tell me I do not make the grade for him. So thanks, but no thanks.

I appreciate everyone’s different and I absolutely wouldn’t judge what others people do. But at the same time I want to do what is right for me. I am no prude and had my now DH’s clothes off within hours of meeting him. If I like somebody, I like them :)

Jilly so you'd be happy with a relationship that revolved around a nice dinner, a quick fuck & then that's your lot?? That's an odd relationship to me; a relationship involves spending quality time together, getting to know each other/about each other, building that emotional bond etc.

Can safely say that my fuck buddy & I did none of that 😂 Dinner, sex, small talk, away you go. Not the sort of actual relationship i'd want if i was hoping to settle down

FWB always makes me think of a couple I saw on One Born Every Minute. Maybe it was just clever editing, but I definitely got the impression that the relationship was becoming more of an exclusive one by the time they were in hospital, but then the man kept taking phone calls from his new girlfriend. It looked as if the woman was gutted. Maybe she wasn’t though.

I think it’s fine if everybody’s genuinely happy with it, but I’ve never known a casual sex relationship to end well irl. Usually one of the couple wants an exclusive relationship and the other doesn’t. They never talk about it openly until it comes to a head or someone gets quietly cut out of contact.

If it works, it works though. I imagine those happy FWB arrangements aren’t all that common though. I bet it’s lovely to find one though, if that’s what you want!

And I think there's a huge difference between just not 'getting it' & making huge judgemental assumptions about the people who do

I’ve never known a casual sex relationship to end well irl

Sorry, should have said “I’ve never known a longterm, casual sex relationship...”.

I had several FWBs when I was in my late teens and early 20s. This was in the mid to late 2000s before it got so trendy

It was fabulous. I wanted sex but I didn't want a relationship or a string on one night stands. I was able to have really good nights out, meals and, perhaps most importantly, regular sex with men I genuinely knew well and liked but without the commitments and expectations of relationships.

Both parties always knew what the arrangement was and as soon as it didn't work for one of us we made our feelings very clear. One guy started to want a LTR (not with me) so we stopped shagging and eventually drifted apart as friends too (but this was fine, all felt very naturally). Another guy started to fall in love with me so we cooled things down a bit and didn't see each other for a couple of years. When we met back up, we were able to pick up as friends but without the sex.

It would work for me, I'm a busy person with no time or energy for a commited full-on relationship.

Actually the older I get the more I've realised I don't want a monogamous relationship either. Been there, done that.

I've never known a long term, casual sex relationship end well irl

I still talk regularly to my first FwB. It only ended when he joined the Army & i moved away. It can end just fine!

I've never known a long term, casual sex relationship end well irl

Mine did. I know him and his wife decades later.

I still talk regularly to my first FwB. It only ended when he joined the Army & i moved away. It can end just fine!

Oh yes, I’m sure it happens and I bet it’s pretty wonderful when you find that sort of FWB relationship, if that’s what you want. I just don’t know anyone personally from whom that’s happened yet. One FWB couple I know have ended up buying a flat together and some others just can’t speak to each other any more. But, that’s not to say it can’t happen. And I bet it’s great when it does. Like Berger and Blomkvist in the Stieg Larsson novels.

*for whom

Autocorrect is weird!

What if the contraception fails and you end up with a baby? You'll be in a (very different) relationship then.

Plus when one member of the fwb gets into a proper relationship, their new partner is unlikely to want them to continue their friendship with the person they have been having casual sex with for a long time.

Pill + condoms = never had an issue there.

The wonderful thing about FwB is that if one person wants to move on & find a LTR there's no strings. That's the beauty of no strings attached sex!

It was fabulous. I wanted sex but I didn't want a relationship or a string on one night stands

Precisely this. Throw in dinner and a little stimulating conversation and things could not get any better (for me). Sharing space, discussing wallpaper designs and bickering about whose turn it is to put the bin out are for a better woman than I

In the end though—and I say this all the time—"the world don't move to the beat of just one drum"

What if the contraception fails and you end up with a baby? You'll be in a (very different) relationship then.

That’s what happened to the One Born Every Minute couple! They seemed genuinely delighted about the baby though. Very young couple. Maybe it works? He had a new gf but seemed really supportive. The new mum looked miffed about the new gf, but I wonder if that was editing and she really didn’t care.

A lot of FwB relationships are casual friendships, not people you engage with every day. So even losing that isn't much of an issue

What if the contraception fails and you end up with a baby? You'll be in a (very different) relationship then.

I think that ship has sailed

But what if contraception fails in a one night stand or in a relationship that's 2 months old. Sorry but that sounds like women don't have sex you may get pregnant. I am 46 , and married, if I got pregnant now it would not be a good thing. I am still having sex
I have no understanding why people are so interested in what other people do in bed. Why would you care.

Quite a few posters on here are saying their FWB ended up staying many years/marrying them a few years later/living with them, which suggests they were, in fact, not friends with benefits at ALL.

My thoughts exactly!

I have no understanding why people are so interested in what other people do in bed. Why would you care.

You weren’t addressing me, but just to say that I don’t ‘care’, in that I think it’s completely up to the couple, (as long as it’s legal, no coercion etc, obviously)! I am definitely interested in talking about sex though. I’m a pretty basic creature .

"Does one of the 2, just text the other and say 'fancy a fuck?' 'err not right now, I have 3 episodes of Game of Thrones to catch up on!' 'OK then, message me when you are finished and I'll come round with the condoms.'"

I had an ongoing arrangement for a Friday night, we'd just txt to arrange the time. Sometimes we'd go out, but we were both LPs and worked full time.

I had midweek arrangement with a few Men in their 20's (I was in my 30's). My children wasn't aware of any of them.

I find the idea that you have to seek a relationship to have sex strange, tbh.

I was Widowed just before this lifestyle started. I then got a relationship, which I regret, because I was happy doing what I did. I was a bit pushed into thinking a relationship was what you should have. I was happier and having better sex with my FWB.

I'm 50 next year and when I'm a bit better ( I've been ill), I'll look to 'date' again. But really I hope for a (or two) good FWB arrangement.

I'm not looking to live with anyone again. I didn't live with the person I was in a relationship with for six years.

Some people need to be in a Partnership, or have lots of friends, others don't.

I'd be more critical of Women/Mothers who move Boyfriends quickly in, than another Adult having the sex life that they want.

I've been nastily gossiped about (the Men haven't), but I don't give a shit about small minded people.