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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
lottieandmia22 · 27/11/2017 19:36

'Would I be upset if my FWB said he had met someone else? No. I'd miss the set up because it isn't an easy thing to find (I don't often meet men I fancy) but I certainly would not be hurt. I'm a grown woman and I know exactly what I was expecting from this arrangement.'

The fact you're a grown woman doesn't mean it's wrong to be hurt by the loss of something we like. We all get attached to the things we like. All this I never get attached is just nonsense. What I see on this thread is people intellectualising a situation which is bound to involve feelings on some level. If you've been sleeping with one person for / years you're bound to feel hurt if they suddenly don't want you any more.

BitchQueen90 · 27/11/2017 19:41

I was sleeping with my exh for years. I felt nothing but relief when it was over.

JacquesHammer · 27/11/2017 19:44

@lottieandmia22

All that is nonsense is you telling other adult women how they feel

BiglyBadgers · 27/11/2017 19:51

If you've been sleeping with one person for / years you're bound to feel hurt if they suddenly don't want you any more

If I went to the cinema with someone every month for a year and then they suddenly didn't want to anymore I would be a bit hurt too. So what's your point?

When you start a fwb relationship you know what is on offer and you know that you or they could move on. That's the whole point of the relationship! My fwb was in the process of emigrating when we started sleeping together. Was I was when he left? Yes of course I was, I like him and he was a good friend. Does that mean I regret the relationship? No, of course not. I knew he was going and I was happy for him to be doing something he had worked towards for months.

I think you are confusing sex and friendship with love. They are not the same thing.

BiglyBadgers · 27/11/2017 19:52

Was I sad...not sure why that keeps autocorrecting to was I was...Confused

Huskylover1 · 27/11/2017 19:58

I think FWB is more suited to women who have already had their children, have been around the block a few times, have had their fair share of cleaning up after lazy ex partners, and are now comfortable enough in their own skin, to be happy having a casual shag with someone without any angst.

For a woman in her 20's, who is ultimately looking for a life partner & starting a family one day, I don't think FWB does her any favours. It's wasting her time with a guy, who is clearly telling her that she will only ever be the starter, and never the main course.

echt · 27/11/2017 20:12

For a woman in her 20's, who is ultimately looking for a life partner & starting a family one day, I don't think FWB does her any favours. It's wasting her time with a guy, who is clearly telling her that she will only ever be the starter, and never the main course

Are you saying woman in her 20s must be looking for a life partner, or women in their 20s who are looking for a life partner? You're effectively ruling out any relationship where marriage isn't in the offing.

Fucking disgusting food analogy.

BitchQueen90 · 27/11/2017 20:15

I'm in my 20s and already done the marriage and kids part. Wonder where that leaves me then 🤔

Coconutspongexo · 27/11/2017 20:16

Also in my 20s

lottieandmia22 · 27/11/2017 20:22

I'm not telling anyone how they feel. I think there are plenty of people who kid themselves though. I've said multiple times that it's a generalisation that not everyone will fit. But my opinion stands and I'm entitled to it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SuzukiLi · 27/11/2017 20:24

husky I'm in my EARLY 20's and I've done all those things in your post.

lottieandmia22 · 27/11/2017 20:25

I think it is true that a casual partner can waste your time if you ever did want to find someone. The problem with that though is finding someone good enough to introduce to your children - not always easy. Casual partners do get jealous as well I've found and will start asking about what you're up to when you don't see them.

stevie69 · 27/11/2017 20:30

I think there are plenty of people who kid themselves though

And your basis for thinking that is, what exactly????

Huskylover1 · 27/11/2017 20:30

Well, I've yet to meet a woman in her 20's, who has already hung up her dating shoes, and has decided that she doesn't want to find "the one" and get married some day.

Women in their 50's/60's are far more likely to have done all that, already had their kids, and can be a bit more casual.

SuzukiLi · 27/11/2017 20:32

Well, nice to meet you.

Coconutspongexo · 27/11/2017 20:34

Also nice to meet you, I have no intention of getting married or finding the one.

Huskylover1 · 27/11/2017 20:35

Or, put it another way....a woman who is 35 and childless, but who wants kids, could get strung along by a FWB, and her clock is ticking.....a woman (like me) at 47, who has adult children, and no desire for any more children, could probably have a FWB without any care of where it's going and how quickly. Tick tock.

RoseWhiteTips · 27/11/2017 20:35

Dippingmytoesin

Rose are you aware vanilla means boring?confused

Erm - yes I was aware of that unfair connotation. In my opinion, however, far from being bland, vanilla is gorgeous and the best ice cream flavour bar none.

Huskylover1 · 27/11/2017 20:35

Fair enough.

RoseWhiteTips · 27/11/2017 20:37

BitchQueen90

I'm in my 20s and already done the marriage and kids part. Wonder where that leaves me then 🤔

A matron who enjoys embroidery?

JacquesHammer · 27/11/2017 20:38

I think there are plenty of people who kid themselves though

The untold arrogance of assuming someone else's psyche.

Casual partners do get jealous as well I've found and will start asking about what you're up to when you don't see them

And again you've clearly not chosen the right people to be your casual partners.

Mine has never asked me other than a "good day, what have you been up to" and vice versa.

In my opinion, however, far from being bland, vanilla is gorgeous and the best ice cream flavour bar none

Well that's fine. You have vanilla and acknowledge that others might prefer other flavours.

JacquesHammer · 27/11/2017 20:40

I decided at 34 I wouldn't be getting married again.

The number of people who say "oh you just haven't found the right person" and "oh you'll change your mind".

Huskylover1 · 27/11/2017 20:42

Never say never jacques

I married my 2nd husband at 43, and he is the absolute best.

JacquesHammer · 27/11/2017 20:44

@huskylover1

Exactly my point. I. Will. Never. Get. Married. Again.

If I meet someone who wants to get married then they're not in anyway right for me.

Sheesh

lottieandmia22 · 27/11/2017 20:46

It's not arrogant - I see people getting heartbroken all the time or worse.