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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 27/11/2017 17:21

If you don't want to get PG at the moment, it makes no difference whether you are having casual sex or marital sex - you might have a contraception failure, but you do have the option of terminating an unwanted pregnancy should it be necessary

Absolutely this.

The risk is non-existent for us, however because we're friends we chatted through all permutations and scenarios and how we would handle them.

Again something you wouldn't do with a ONS

woodhill · 27/11/2017 17:25

Agree with you OP.

ConcreteUnderpants · 27/11/2017 17:39

lottieandmia22 - The reason it colours my view is that there are a lot of predatory men out there. It's how it is.

There are. There are also a lot of men who aren't. But that's a whole other conversation.
It seems clear to me that the majority of FWB are ex's or friends. People who have evidently been 'vetted' beforehand and have a clear mutual understanding of what the deal is.

You admit to being in a casual relationship with a man. How do you know he is less predatory, if that is what concerns you? If a FWB does something you don't like, you move on. No worries about dividing the DVD collection.

Why can't you understand that this is just that little bit more casual and still ok?

stevie69 · 27/11/2017 17:57

*@JacquesHammer *

I was just wondering .......... whether anyone has seen you and me in the same place at the same time? I do seem to be a lot like you (which I'm very happy about btw) Blush

stevie69 · 27/11/2017 17:58

Oh, and please ......could you spare me a scone? Yum Smile

stevie69 · 27/11/2017 17:59

I really do not think that women with high self esteem would get involved in something like this

My self-esteem is through the ceiling. I'm at one with myself and love who I am Blush Took me a long while to get here but ...... I made it.

stevie69 · 27/11/2017 18:02

It's funny how lots of fwb arrangements seem to involve the man asking for anal sex

Really? I must have missed something Hmm

stevie69 · 27/11/2017 18:04

A lot of women go into a FWB situation hoping it will become more

Do they? Could you (a) quantify 'a lot' and (b) clarify how you arrived at that conclusion?

Redglitter · 27/11/2017 18:10

₩It's funny how lots of fwb arrangements seem to involve the man asking for anal sex

In that case it must be equally funny when married men and men in LTR ask for it too

lottieandmia22 · 27/11/2017 18:15

Well if it's someone you trust and have known for years then that's ideal. OTOH I did have sex with my once best friend who was a man and it ruined the friendship because he felt differently than he thought he was going to. We've just got back in touch but we had 2 years of NC.

But nevertheless if your FWB said tomorrow he doesn't want to see you anymore and he's sleeping with someone else now then you'd have to be made of stone for that not to hurt a little bit!

There is a whole other issue about exclusivity or otherwise. I had one FWB who wanted me to be exclusive but didn't want to be exclusive himself Hmm

Obviously anyone can be abused in any type of relationship but I do think it's something that for lots of people will end in tears. It can be good but only occasionally. How many threads have you seen on here of people sad because they want more from a casual set up?

And it doesn't make a woman strong because she can 'handle' a FB set up.

BiglyBadgers · 27/11/2017 18:22

How many threads have you seen on here of people sad because they want more from a casual set up?

How many threads have you seen on here of people sad because they are stuck in miserable long term relationships?
I would put money on it that if we did an audit we would find far more threads from people with marriages that have gone wrong on here than we would on fwb relationships going wrong. All realtionships can go wrong for lots of different reasons. I don't think a fwb is any less likely to work than a long term relationships tbh and at least if it does go wrong you haven't got the complexity of intertwined lives to deal with.

stevie69 · 27/11/2017 18:22

But nevertheless if your FWB said tomorrow he doesn't want to see you anymore and he's sleeping with someone else now then you'd have to be made of stone for that not to hurt a little bit!

Well, for me, then yeah, it probably would hurt a little bit as I'm certainly not made out of stone.

However, I suspect that it would hurt a hell of a lot more if my husband/partner were to say the same thing .........

BiglyBadgers · 27/11/2017 18:23

But nevertheless if your FWB said tomorrow he doesn't want to see you anymore and he's sleeping with someone else now then you'd have to be made of stone for that not to hurt a little bit!

And life is full of things that make us a bit sad. Friends move to a different city, favourite work colleagues get new jobs, you try out of chocolate when the shop is shut. If we tried to live our lives sin a way that would avoid all possible hurt and sadness you really aren't going to do very much.

lottieandmia22 · 27/11/2017 18:32

Yes, that's a good point.

Coconutspongexo · 27/11/2017 18:33

But nevertheless if your FWB said tomorrow he doesn't want to see you anymore and he's sleeping with someone else now then you'd have to be made of stone for that not to hurt a little bit!

My fiancé fucked off out of my life out the blue when I was pregnant and I didn’t shed a single tear or feel hurt,so I doubt I’d really care about someone I’m just having sex with.

That might mean there’s something wrong with my but I don’t really care

lottieandmia22 · 27/11/2017 18:35

I think it's possible to tell yourself that Dipping if you can disassociate which is something I have done in the past.

Generally though what's the point of having sex with someone if you don't even like them?

Coconutspongexo · 27/11/2017 18:37

I like them but I don’t get attached to people easily.

Coconutspongexo · 27/11/2017 18:37

well him not them

lottieandmia22 · 27/11/2017 18:40

I used to go around saying that but it's not 100% true

JacquesHammer · 27/11/2017 18:49

I used to go around saying that but it's not 100% true FOR ME

Fixed that for you.

@Stevie69 I think we are one. Scones awaiting!

Coconutspongexo · 27/11/2017 19:01

You used to go around saying what?

Anymajordude · 27/11/2017 19:07

When I did it for a bit many years ago I really enjoyed it. I liked the guy but didn't want a relationship. I was never jealous when he went on to have a girlfriend. It was just a nice, comfortable and sensual experience. No strings, no hassle.

Anymajordude · 27/11/2017 19:16

I meant to add I'm shocked at some of the stereotyping on here. As a woman I don't feel I'm more likely to fall in love with someone I'm shagging and secretly want a fwb to be my boyfriend. It's certainly not my experience. And a fwb wanting to shag me up the arse? What nonsense.

WinchestersInATardis · 27/11/2017 19:25

You do like them, Lottie. That's the friend part of FWB.

BitchQueen90 · 27/11/2017 19:29

My self esteem is higher now than it was when I was married. When I was married my exh was the breadwinner, we moved a lot for his career, I was a SAHM with no family support around and I felt pretty useless a lot of the time.

I am now living in my own place, working, raising my DS and enjoying independence. I have realised that I do not need a relationship to define who I am as a person. I have learned a lot about myself in the past few years, what I am and am not willing to put up with. I have a very low tolerance for bullshit and I do not need to be in a situation where I have to tend to a man's feelings as well as my busy life with a 4 year old.

I am not opposed to love and marriage, but it just is not important to me right now. Will it be in the future? Who knows, but I'm living in the present.

Would I be upset if my FWB said he had met someone else? No. I'd miss the set up because it isn't an easy thing to find (I don't often meet men I fancy) but I certainly would not be hurt. I'm a grown woman and I know exactly what I was expecting from this arrangement.

For the PP who asked, I'm in the Midlands so not NI Wink

A lot of posters on here who are basing their negative opinions on FWB are purely judging it from how they themselves would feel. Different horses for different courses.