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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
WinchestersInATardis · 26/11/2017 11:12

This thread is bizarre. There are a LOT of women on this thread stating outright that they definitely prefer the FWB model, and still people refuse to believe it.

To use the tomato example, it's like me saying I like tomatoes and then a bunch of posters insisting I don't because women don't like tomatoes.

It's weird.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 11:12

I also have tons of single friends who can't find a man to settle down with.

Which whilst sad for your friends if thats what they want (although I would question why they're so definite they NEED a man to settle down with) you, of course, can't extrapolate that out.

I am settled down. That isn't conditional on a man

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:15

JacquesHammer

Well good for you to be settled. I know women who've never been married and would love to be and who don't have children and want to have children.

I'm guessing you don't live in London because that's the dating scene I've observed here.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 11:16

I'm guessing you don't live in London

Nope. Maybe we're more open minded up here Grin

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:18

JacquesHammer

Nope I'm saying in London, it's harder to find a man willing to commit. Women stay single for a lot longer. I've noticed outside of London, people regularly get married and have kids in their twenties. It's much more unusual in London...

WinchestersInATardis · 26/11/2017 11:19

What's London got to do with it? I used to live there.
If anything it broadens your options because there are so many people there seeking pretty much every type of relationship, including monogamous or FWB..

Sallystyle · 26/11/2017 11:19

Well, i'm married but if (god forbid) anything happened to him or our marriage ended I would be all over the FWB thing.

I wouldn't want another deep relationship and I wouldn't want sex with random men I don't know. A FWB sounds pretty good to me. I don't think I would have the energy to put so much time into another relationship, and I say that as someone who is very happily married. I love being married, I love having sex with someone I love so deeply, but I wouldn't do it again if we didn't last. It's my second marriage, i'm not having a third.

Mind you, I fell in love with everyone I ever shagged as a youngster, but I don't think I would now.

I don't understand how anyone can call it tacky? It's just sex.

Redglitter · 26/11/2017 11:20

No I'm not trying to protect myself. My ex was involved with up to 10 other people in one way or another - another thread in itself. We had a lot of good times but once wed split up and I'd been single for a while I realised that I was actually quite happy on my own. The more I thought about it I realised apart from sex there really wasn't anything else I missed. I'd been in two LTR and realised I was perfectly happy being single. Something which came as a surprise to me.

I've been in a good relationship which ran it's course and a bit so good one. Reflecting on them both they were both right for their time but now I've been there done that and for now I've no desire to do it again. It's not a protection thing I'm not saying I'll never have a relationship again but for now it's not something I need.

WinchestersInATardis · 26/11/2017 11:21

I think the marrying and having kids later in London is a financial thing, not a dating one.

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:22

I'm giving my experiences of what I've seen in London. Heaps of good looking, intelligent single women who can't find a man willing to commit so have these fwb situations as a second best solution.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 26/11/2017 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 11:24

I'm giving my experiences of what I've seen in London. Heaps of good looking, intelligent single women who can't find a man willing to commit so have these fwb situations as a second best solution

But that only applies to those women. It doesn't follow that every woman who has a FWB is doing it as "second best"

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:27

JacquesHammer

Well yes, I have said numerous times, my analysis of these situations doesn't apply to everyone. I'm sure there are some people for whom it works but equally, why won't anyone concede that many women are choosg it as a second best situation.

Newtothismumthing1 · 26/11/2017 11:35

**JacquesHammer
It is much harder to be settled in London, my friends in Kent and Essex noticeably settle down much earlier- it’s definitely in the mind set of London men to commit later.
Disclaimer: this does not apply to all men in the whole of London, it’s a generalisation!

Olicity17 · 26/11/2017 11:38

why won't anyone concede that many women are choosg it as a second best situation

I am sure some are choosing it as a second best. Which os no different to many ltr and marriages. Lots of people are in relationships that dont make them happy. But stay.

Sometime people choose something as second best. Wether its casual sex or ltr. That doesnt mean that all or most are doing it for those reasons. Or that many women cant make fwb their preferred choice.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 11:41

It is much harder to be settled in London

That's where we disagree though. I don't believe you need to be part of a relationship to be settled. Again it's a choice (and just as valid one as those of us who are settled and single)

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:43

I don't believe you need to be part of a relationship to be settled

You may feel like that, and that's fine. However, the vast majority of women do want to be in a relationship, especially if they want children, which most do.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 11:45

You may feel like that, and that's fine. However, the vast majority of women do want to be in a relationship, especially if they want children, which most do

Which you would have seen I said had you quoted my full post...you know about it being a valid choice and all.

MortalEnemy · 26/11/2017 11:46

It is much harder to be settled in London, my friends in Kent and Essex noticeably settle down much earlier- it’s definitely in the mind set of London men to commit later.

Or in the mindset of London women???

Again, there's this weird set of assumptions that women are clamouring to 'settle down', while men will do anything to avoid the ball and chain of commitment...?

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:49

Again, there's this weird set of assumptions that women are clamouring to 'settle down', while men will do anything to avoid the ball and chain of commitment...?

Well, from what I've witnessed that does apply.

Many years ago when I was working in the city, I worked with heaps of single men in their thirties who wouldn't even consider settling down at such a "young" age! Hmm

Olicity17 · 26/11/2017 12:02

I am single. Have children. I prefer a relationship.

I am settled. My relationship/parental status doesnt impact that.

I am settled with or with a ltr.

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 12:05

Olicity17. Yes, but you have children which I'd imagined helps you feel settled. Single, childless women often don't feel settled and want to settle down so that they can have children.

RoseWhiteTips · 26/11/2017 12:07

JacquesHammer

...I feel really sorry for you. I imagine something major must be missing for you to be so unpleasant just for the sake of it. I hope you manage to find whatever it is...

The line of last resort, I fear. Such an easy line to have at hand but a cliché it most certainly is. It is lazy debate when people turn to this.

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 12:07

Sorry, just read that you said your parental status doesn't affect whether you feel settled, nor your relationship status.

That attitude is very unusual I'd say.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 12:09

*It is lazy debate when people turn to this
What, you mean after the personal insults that the PP I was referring to had thrown my way.

Check out my previous posts. I have given many reasonable comments on the "debate".

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