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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 10:05

so it sounds like you’re just taking what he’s prepared to give

Other way around. We slept together. Then had a long, frank chat about what we both wanted. I was just out of a marriage and told him plainly there would never be a chance of anything approaching a "normal" relationship. We decided we were both happy.

Again the assumption that the man is in control despite countless women saying to the contrary. Vive le patriarchy

Olicity17 you are most welcome. Grin

Redglitter · 26/11/2017 10:16

But I’m sure lots of people are saying they’re happy with a FWB situation - I just don’t get how they genuinely can be

Then you need to read a damn sight more of the thread. It has been explained many times Hmm

Olicity17 · 26/11/2017 10:17

Olicity17you are most welcome.

Whoo hoo!!!!! Day made! Grin

MortalEnemy · 26/11/2017 10:22

What is disturbing me about this thread is how many posters still seem to think sex is a thing women 'trade' for romance/commitment/a ring. Also who think that women who just like sex in itself, outside the context of an exclusive romantic relationship, are deluding themselves.

surferjet · 26/11/2017 10:33

So what happens when your FWB turns up one day & tells you the lovely little arrangement you have will have to end because he’s met someone else? He’s mad about her, wants a proper relationship with her & you’re now surplus to requirements?

You just say ‘no worries’ & take it in your stride?
You see I couldn’t - I’d be really hurt. So it’s down to individuals & how they view sex & relationships.

ByThePowerOfRa · 26/11/2017 10:37

Tomatoes are better than potatoes.

Shock The most disgusting post on the thread so far Wink! How could you even think such a thing?!

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 10:44

What is disturbing me about this thread is how many posters still seem to think sex is a thing women 'trade' for romance/commitment/a ring. Also who think that women who just like sex in itself, outside the context of an exclusive romantic relationship, are deluding themselves

I think it's disturbing how many women are kidding themselves that they are happy with this sort of arrangement, when actually it's the next best thing to what they really want. Unfortunately, so many men nowadays are commitment phobes and want to shag around whilst enjoying all the benefits of a relationship so call it fwb to legitimise their behaviour. Women therefore kid themselves that they are loving this arrangement.

I'm not saying this is always the case or that women can't enjoy casual sex...but it does seem a way of protecting yourself emotionally. Therefore if your fwb is sleeping with other women, you can reassure yourself that it was just a fwb arrangement and you haven't actually been emotionally hurt by it.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 10:52

You just say ‘no worries’ & take it in your stride?

Yep. That's the whole point.

You see I couldn’t - I’d be really hurt. So it’s down to individuals & how they view sex & relationships

That's exactly the point though!!

I think it's disturbing how many women are kidding themselves that they are happy with this sort of arrangement, when actually it's the next best thing to what they really want.

I think it's disturbing how many people seem to have comprehension issues.

Not sure I can use tinier words. This isn't the "next best thing" to what I want. It is the ONLY thing I want.

The moment he either meets someone else he wants a relationship with OR says to me he wants more, is the moment it is over.

I am not protecting myself. I am not in a relationship because I don't need a partner to define myself or give my life meaning or worth.

Coconutspongexo · 26/11/2017 10:52

I think it's disturbing how many women are kidding themselves that they are happy with this sort of arrangement, when actually it's the next best thing to what they really want.

Fuck me what’s wrong with you? How many times do you need to be told I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP others have said it too, who are you to say what other women want? It’s weird

Redglitter · 26/11/2017 10:54

i think it's disturbing how many women are kidding themselves that they are happy with this sort of arrangement

WHY the hell is it so hard to grasp the concept that some of us ARE NOT kidding ourselves & actually are happy with this arrangement.

I was in a LTR and he was a total bastard. I have no desire at present to go down tgat road again in the near future. I do however enjoy sex. Why should I miss out on that because I don't want a relationship

I'm perfectly happy and comfortable with my set up. I'm kidding no-one

Olicity17 · 26/11/2017 10:55

I think it's disturbing how many women are kidding themselves that they are happy with this sort of arrangement, when actually it's the next best thing to what they really want.

I think its disturbing how many people think that because a woman doesn't want a full blown relationship, must be deluding themseleves, settling for second best but want more etc.

God forbid a women knows her own mind.

I cany believe people think so little of other women.

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 10:58

I was in a LTR and he was a total bastard. I have no desire at present to go down tgat road again in the near future. I do however enjoy sex. Why should I miss out on that because I don't want a relationship

Well I don't disagree but you have said your ex was a bastard and you don't want to experience that again, so my analysis that women do this because there's so many crappy men out there is correct isn't it?!

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 10:58

Why are people so threatened by this?

You organise your sex life as you want, I organise my sex life as I choose (note the word choose).

Why the need for all the pseudo psychoanalysis over what I am really thinking.

Because as an educated, professional woman I couldn't POSSIBLY know my own mind right?

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 11:01

@formerbabe my ex was lovely. I still love him dearly.

We just weren't right together. We still socialise and spend time together.

It remains the most important and treasured adult relationship of my life

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:02

I was commenting on Redglitter's post.

Olicity17 · 26/11/2017 11:03

JacquesHammer it really does come across as though people are threatened by other people having fwb.

I honestly think it comes down to societies view that a being relationship is the preferred state. That ltr make people superior and if you arent in one, it means something is wrong with you.

some of us (including me who prefers realationships) realise this is total bullshit and accept that peoples choices are up to them.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 11:04

I was commenting on Redglitter's post.

That's ok, I was commenting on yours. Hmm

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:05

I'm not commenting on everyone's situations either. I'm sure it works for some. I'm not offering a moral judgement either...I have no moral issue with the concept of casual sex. I'm just offering my view that from what I've seen around me, there are so many shit men around so women feel they have no other choice because there's not a plethora of available, lovely men willing to commit.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2017 11:06

I'm just offering my view that from what I've seen around me, there are so many shit men around so women feel they have no other choice because there's not a plethora of available, lovely men willing to commit.

Then I'm sorry you know so many shit men. I can see how that might colour your view.

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:07

it really does come across as though people are threatened by other people having fwb

Who would be threatened by it?! Most women could have casual sex if they wanted to, it's hardly difficult to come by.

Redglitter · 26/11/2017 11:07

No formerbabe you're not correct. So many women do this because they're happy not to be in a relationship and comfortable enough to be able to ask for what they do want. I've been single a while now and am perfectly happy my FWB provides the only aspect of a relationship I'm missing. Should I change my mind and want a relationship later the FWB arrangement will stop.

I'm doing what suits me. And shock horror am perfectly happy without a full time man in my life

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:09

Then I'm sorry you know so many shit men. I can see how that might colour your view

I'm going by what I read on these boards everyday. I also have tons of single friends who can't find a man to settle down with.

Oh and there's posts on this thread by women saying they have fwb because they don't want to get hurt.

surferjet · 26/11/2017 11:11

I don’t think people in long term relationships are superior at all. But personally, I’d either be in a proper relationship or not in one at all. FWB sounds way too complicated for me & I’d never get over the feeling that I was being used - or I was using him. Either way it wouldn’t work for me. I’d rather be on my own.

Olicity17 · 26/11/2017 11:11

Who would be threatened by it?! Most women could have casual sex if they wanted to, it's hardly difficult to come by.

If you read the rest of my post, You would see my reasons. Some people just dont like anyone challenging their view of the world or their status quo.

Why else would someone be so against other people having casual sex?

formerbabe · 26/11/2017 11:12

Redglitter

I'm not judging you at all. There's nothing wrong morally with a fwb situation imo, but you said your ex was a bastard and you didn't want to experience that again.. therefore I'd draw the conclusion that you are doing it to protect yourself emotionally?