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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
Olicity17 · 25/11/2017 09:58

However, I struggle to conceive how anyone can be really good friends with someone, be sexually attracted to and have great sex with them, but not become romantically attached to them in any way, and not give a fig when they find someone else

I couldnt do it. Its not for me. That doesnt mean that no one else can. I really dont see how its that hard to understand that people are different.

BiglyBadgers · 25/11/2017 09:59

However, I struggle to conceive how anyone can be really good friends with someone, be sexually attracted to and have great sex with them, but not become romantically attached to them in any way, and not give a fig when they find someone else. I’m not sure I could do it, and wonder how on earth it’s even possible! Surely something has to give... Can anyone really compartmentalise that well?

Maybe its not something that would work for you, but yes some people, myself included, are perfectly capable of doing this. Just as I can have a friend i love spending time with and going to the cinema with, but not want to marry them and have their babies.

Sex is just a thing you do. It's fun I really enjoy it a lot, but it's really not that big a deal.

user1490465531 · 25/11/2017 10:02

I've read the full thread and although a few women might be fine with it you only have to read the relationship boards to see how many problems it causes for most women.
Let's face it men overall can have sex with anybody that's why there is a huge demand for sex workers.
However I think for most women although I can't speak for all we need some connection/attraction with the person we sleep with.
And before anyone says I'm not comparing FWB with prostitutes.

JacquesHammer · 25/11/2017 10:07

you only have to read the relationship boards to see how many problems it causes for most women

Indeed. And how many posts about marriage? Grin

SuzukiLi · 25/11/2017 10:15

I'm incredibly busy as don't have time for a committed relationship. My fuck buddy fulfils all sexual and emotional needs. He's there for cuddles, nights in, nights out, to talk to when I'm down and great sex. But there's no pressure or expectations from either side.

BiglyBadgers · 25/11/2017 10:18

Reading the thread I have started to realise that what this issue actually comes down to is how people view sex.

It seems a lot of people who can't deal with the idea of fwb see sex as something that women don't really enjoy. They may enjoy it as part of a long term relationship, but it is sort of incidental enjoyment based on the fact that they enjoy the emotional commitment and the sex is something they goes with that.

Many seem to see sex as something that women give in order to get something off a man. Whether that is love or commitment or money, the view is still that sex is a lever we use rather than a thing we do because we enjoy it. If sex is purely a commodity that we trade for something else than of course we must withhold it in order to make it more valuable to the person we eventually give it to. If this is how you view sex than I can see that giving it away for free would be akin to putting a shift in at work and not getting paid, if would seem crazy.

I have never seen sex in this way. It has always been quite distinct from love and commitment. It is something that is perfectly enjoyable in its own right. I do not trade sex for affection. I do not have sex with a man because I want him to commit to me. I have sex because it is a fun activity I do simply because I enjoy it. It is as distinct from love as watching a movie or going for dinner together and requires no more compartmentalisation than if I engaged in either of those activities with a friend.

JacquesHammer · 25/11/2017 10:20

@BiglyBadgers great post

RoseWhiteTips · 25/11/2017 11:05

I cannot believe how many forum users have this “arrangement”. It certainly takes all sorts.

Creambun2 · 25/11/2017 11:10

I find it is upper middle class women in their late 30s to mid 40s who want this sort of arrangement.

Coconutspongexo · 25/11/2017 11:13

RoseWhiteTips

I cannot believe how many forum users have this “arrangement”. It certainly takes all sorts

Care to eloborate?

Why are people confused by the fact that not everyone wants a full on committed relationship? It’s the same as not everyone wanting to have a FWB arrangement - it’s not a hard concept to grasp yet on here it seems to be.

squoosh · 25/11/2017 11:18

I find it is upper middle class women in their late 30s to mid 40s who want this sort of arrangement.

There is barely a single thread on MN that won't have someone talking about social class.

JacquesHammer · 25/11/2017 11:20

There is barely a single thread on MN that won't have someone talking about social class

Indeed. And 9/10 it's Creambun doing it.

Wonder what Debretts has to say Grin

MortalEnemy · 25/11/2017 11:23

Debretts says FWBs are absolutely fine as long as you send a formal thank you letter after each occasion of 'benefit'. Grin

TheStoic · 25/11/2017 11:24

I find it is upper middle class women in their late 30s to mid 40s who want this sort of arrangement.

And most of them are married. Grin

JacquesHammer · 25/11/2017 11:35

Debretts says FWBs are absolutely fine as long as you send a formal thank you letter after each occasion of 'benefit'

Grin

Shall remedy my classless oversight immediately. Possibly in a personalised notelet form.

squoosh · 25/11/2017 11:39

Monogrammed stationery for the thank you notes please!

(or is that frightfully nouveau?)

sleeponeday · 25/11/2017 11:42

However, I struggle to conceive how anyone can be really good friends with someone, be sexually attracted to and have great sex with them, but not become romantically attached to them in any way, and not give a fig when they find someone else

I couldnt do it. Its not for me. That doesnt mean that no one else can. I really dont see how its that hard to understand that people are different.

Same. And everything BigleyBadgers said, too.

And my mum had a healthy and active sex life when I was a kid, as she was a single mum and not interested in settling down after an awful marriage. It didn't scar me or damage me or confuse me, because kids aren't actually that interested as long as adults are nice to them. I got married out of university and am still happily married.

A lot of people seem incredibly, and very fundamentally, threatened by women who don't feel as they do, and want the same things that they do. I find that really weird, to be honest. What's so wrong about different ways to be happy?

Also I haven't prepared any statistical documents but marriage rates have slowed.

The overall divorce rate fell to 9.8 per 1,000 married men or women, the lowest level since 1975 - the year after a major liberalisation of divorce law in the wake of the sexual revolution came into force. hat has coincided with a recent rise in the number of couples choosing to tie the knot over the last few years – partially reversing the decades long trend of declining marriage and rising divorce.

But why should facts stand in the way of sanctimony, hey, Danitruth

Educate yourself. You might be a kinder and happier woman if you did.

BitchQueen90 · 25/11/2017 12:16

user a lot of women on this thread, including me, have said they do feel some form of affection for their FWB. It's not just like shagging some random faceless stranger. As I previously stated I like mine, fancy him and enjoy his company. There is affection between us, but it's not love or a desire for anything more.

CreamBun I'm 27 and most definitely a working class woman. Takes all sorts. Grin

Roussette · 25/11/2017 12:43

Bigly you've nailed it with your post at 10.18.

NotACleverName · 25/11/2017 13:20

you only have to read the relationship boards to see how many problems it causes for most women.

Let's be real, the Relationships board is a relatively small sample size and not indicative of society as a whole.

I cannot believe how many forum users have this “arrangement”. It certainly takes all sorts.

I too would like to see you come back and explain this further, Rose. Yet more sneering, cat's-bum-mouth judgement as far as I can see. How delightful.

BiglyBadgers · 25/11/2017 15:09

you only have to read the relationship boards to see how many problems it causes for most women.

I have looked at the relationship board and it is almost all about long term relationships or marriages. I have rarely seen a post from a woman with a fwb situation on there. In fact I really cant remember a single one. If I was going to use the relationship board as the gauge of what sort of relationships cause problems for women I would be running like hell from my marriage. Luckily for my husband, as I am pretty sure he likes having me about, I don't discard the whole idea of longterm commitment just because it doesn't go well from a number of people. Hmm

Nancy91 · 25/11/2017 15:46

I don't know why people are getting so bitchy towards people in happy relationships or marriages? I'm trying to have a proper discussion. If having a fwb was actually better, I would have left my partner so that I could do that.

I don't think there is anyone that actually thinks just sex is better than love AND sex. I think it's just easier to find someone to have sex with than it is to find a partner you are compatible with for a relationship.

I don't think everyone is actively seeking a relationship, but if they randomly fell in love with someone, I can't see them walking away from that in favour of meaningless shags from their friend. So I believe people do want love more than these fwb arrangements. Making me see it as more of a stop gap between relationships.

Everyone likes sex, I totally understand not wanting to go through a dry spell. I just think a proper relationship is better. You get congratulated on things like marriage, starting a family and buying a home together, because they show that your relationship is serious and moving forward. That sort of thing is what I aspire to, rather than casual sex. There is nothing wrong with that.

Different strokes for different folks I guess!

squoosh · 25/11/2017 15:51

Different strokes for different folks I guess

Well, yeah. As it with all aspects of life. Different people want different things. Different people value different things.

Who knew.

Temporaryanonymity · 25/11/2017 15:56

I did have this arrangement but six years in we are still at it. We live apart but people see us as a couple now. Our lives are very linked. I do not want us to live together but he is pretty much my closest friend and of course lover.

JacquesHammer · 25/11/2017 16:00

I just think a proper relationship is better

Good for you. I don't. However much you try and suggest the contrary it simply isn't true for me.

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