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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 25/11/2017 08:21

@Danitruth

You seem spectacularly confused.

Why does FWB have anything to do with being divorced? I divorced after 15 years. I wasn't unfaithful, ex and I remain close and co-parent successfully.

I agree, FWB is tacky and disgusting. Especially since we are on mums net! Assuming that everyone on here has children, it's not civilised practise when you are trying to be a role model to your child and teaching them what a healthy monogamous relationship is

It's just BECAUSE I have a child I am happy with my arrangement. She knows nothing about it. I only ever see him when she's with her dad. I think that's far preferable than having a relationship, introducing her, it breaks down etc.

FWB is a safe, 100% risk free way to enjoy sex.

If you don't want to, don't do it but (as I said previously) don't for a moment think that makes you morally superior because it doesn't. The only thing tacky are your opinions on someone else's sex life.

Roussette · 25/11/2017 08:21

Gosh this thread has rolled on hasn't it.... I'm completely gobsmacked at some of the views and terminology used on here...
Tacky
Disgusting
Cheap
Self indulgent
Free love
Nasty
Uncivilised
Promiscuous
Are we actually living in 2017? I had a FWB in 1980 for a few years and people were far less judgmental then..... than now. Honestly they were. It was the right thing for me at the right time, I was discreet about it, we had respect for each other, we enjoyed sex together and we both then met our respective spouses and know each other now. There was none of this appalling judgemental attitude then so where have these views come from now?

And not one poster on here who sees nothing wrong with it has said that those who don't agree are 'uncool'. It's obviously what you must think about yourselves!

The recent posters seem to think that Mums are incapable of handling a FWB without subjecting their DCs to their immoral debauched behaviour and will be shagging loudly whilst their children can hear in the bedroom next door. C'mon... honestly, give the intelligent posters on MN some credit. All these comments are really quite insulting to those that juggle their lives as a SP.

KingPrawnOkay · 25/11/2017 08:23

Not read the thread but I think the misuse of the comma in your title is tacky Wink

BitchQueen90 · 25/11/2017 08:28

While I can't speak for everyone I can assure you that my DS has no idea my FWB even exists. He comes only when my DS is at his dad's house and is gone before he gets back.

And to be honest, the amount of shit marriages I see posted about on here are hardly a good example for children either.

Notreallyarsed · 25/11/2017 08:29

The recent posters seem to think that Mums are incapable of handling a FWB without subjecting their DCs to their immoral debauched behaviour and will be shagging loudly whilst their children can hear in the bedroom next door. C'mon... honestly, give the intelligent posters on MN some credit. All these comments are really quite insulting to those that juggle their lives as a SP

This! What does it matter what other people do as consenting adults? The assumption that women are putting their kids at risk to get a shag is really offensive as well. I managed to have my one and only ONS as a lone parent and DS1 was nowhere near the house at the time! It made me realise FWB/ONS wasn’t for me, but it didn’t make me think I’ve got the right to judge anyone else for doing it!!!!

pointythings · 25/11/2017 08:51

Well, I'm married (not for much longer) and my relationships is definitely fucked up because my H is an alcoholic. And the only way I have failed my DDs is by not initiating divorce 2 years ago and letting things become more dysfunctional. i have no intention of dating anyone soon, in any way - I need time to heal - but a FWB relationships would definitely be something I'm happy to model for my DDs because it's about friendship, sex, equality and mutual respect.

Being married is not a superior moral state.

JacquesHammer · 25/11/2017 08:55

And the only way I have failed my DDs is by not initiating divorce 2 years ago and letting things become more dysfunctional.

You haven't failed them. Decisions made that you thought were right at the time aren't you failing them.

Hope you're ok Flowers

Nancy91 · 25/11/2017 08:58

If you want a fwb then nobody can stop you, but previous posters making out that it's either a fwb or a sexless marriage to someone that treats you like a domestic slave are ridiculous!

I have been with my fiancé for a very long time and we treat each other with respect, the sex is amazing AND we are in love - to me that will always be the holy grail and a fwb arrangement couldn't come close.

Everyone likes sex but a proper relationship where you are in love is far superior, hence fwb arrangements ending when one of the people involved finds a real relationship.

As a stop gap I can understand wanting to have sex between relationships. But please don't try to belittle people that are in healthy loving relationships and pretend we can't be happy. I definitely am!

birdsdestiny · 25/11/2017 09:01

Pointy, I am sorry you went through that flowers].
I think a pp might be right, people were less judgemental in the 80 s and 90 s, I don't think the way women are viewed has improved if anything it has got worse. I mean how dare women enjoy sex, how dare they do something different to other peoples relationship.

pointythings · 25/11/2017 09:01

Nancy I thought my relationship was like that. Things change. People change. Idealising one thing and denigrating another is a refusal to accept the reality of this.

WinchestersInATardis · 25/11/2017 09:01

Another one here who thinks @Danitruth has a very odd idea about how FWB works.
If you're married and have children, you're discreet about when and where you have sex so the little ones don't overhear/walk in.
It's completely the same with fwb. And like other posters have said, my DC have absolutely no idea that I have one. He only comes over when they're at their Dad.
I know a few single parents who do this and they all have the same rule.
I'd only introduce a man to my kids if it were a serious enough relationship that it looked like he'd be part of their lives long term.
But tbh, I like not having a relationship. It means I can always put me and my children first, without having to worry that I'm not making enough time for my DP.

BitchQueen90 · 25/11/2017 09:03

I don't think anyone's saying that Nancy but the a lot of the people ripping into the idea of FWB seem to think that marriage or a LTR is the only right and proper way to live. Different things work for different people.

Olicity17 · 25/11/2017 09:03

Everyone likes sex but a proper relationship where you are in love is far superior,

Thats simply not true. It would be for me. It is for you. But some people dont want a full on relationship. That goes for both some men and some women.

JacquesHammer · 25/11/2017 09:06

Everyone likes sex but a proper relationship where you are in love is far superior

That statement would only be correct if you added "for me".

I have categorically no desire to be in a relationship. FWB is far superior for me.

BitchQueen90 · 25/11/2017 09:07

To be honest, I don't think a proper relationship where you are in love is always superior either. FWB isn't necessarily just a "stop gap" between relationships. Some people don't want a relationship at all. I don't get why that's so hard to understand?

Nancy91 · 25/11/2017 09:15

Queen I think it's a poster called Niki that literally has said those things Confused

I believe that anyone would choose love AND sex over just sex. They might think differently until they are back in a position where they have fallen in love. That's why so many of these fwb arrangements end when one of the people involved finds a partner that they have feelings for.

I am sure I'm very uncool and closed minded to some people on here, but I've never met someone that didn't want to find love eventually, it's totally normal to want more than a fwb arrangement! I'm not a domestic slave who only has sex in the missionary position Hmm

JacquesHammer · 25/11/2017 09:37

I believe that anyone would choose love AND sex over just sex

So you continue to believe that despite posters telling you otherwise? How arrogant

Luttrell · 25/11/2017 09:42

Better than being stuck in a relationship.

I've no idea why people bother. Seems like a good idea until you deal with the mess and the sulks and control and affairs.

If I could live life again I would never be tied down. Mug's game.

WinchestersInATardis · 25/11/2017 09:45

I am sure I'm very uncool and closed minded to some people on here, but I've never met someone that didn't want to find love eventually, it's totally normal to want more than a fwb arrangement! I'm not a domestic slave who only has sex in the missionary position

No one thinks you are. Or has said that. And yes, it's normal to want more than a fwb. For some people.

However, I think what a lot of posters are finding extremely frustrating is that even though we're saying outright over and over again that we don't want a relationship, we keep getting told that we're wrong and we really want to find love.

I've thought about what I want from life, love and everything else and to be told that I actually want a relationship from people who don't even know me is very frustrating. I'm not delusional. I'm bright enough and mature enough to know my own mind and make my own choices.

I don't get offended easily and I don't personally care what others get up to as long as it is consensual.

However, on this thread, as a woman with a fwb, posters have said that I'm tacky, that I have no respect for myself, that I"m using someone for sex and that I'm worse than a prostitutes. And that does offend me.

coconuttella · 25/11/2017 09:51

I get that people can be great friends and not desire to have sex... and I get that people will want to have no strings attached sex with someone who is not a great friend.

However, I struggle to conceive how anyone can be really good friends with someone, be sexually attracted to and have great sex with them, but not become romantically attached to them in any way, and not give a fig when they find someone else. I’m not sure I could do it, and wonder how on earth it’s even possible! Surely something has to give... Can anyone really compartmentalise that well?

user1490465531 · 25/11/2017 09:52

It's an arrangement that benefits mostly men.

JacquesHammer · 25/11/2017 09:53

It's an arrangement that benefits mostly men

RTFT

BiglyBadgers · 25/11/2017 09:55

I am happily married with children, have a healthy sex life and have never been divorced... it seems I am in a minority here? haha.

Well congratulations, I also have all of these things, however I have the added ability to realise that other people's lives are not mine and that this does not make them any better or worse than mine. I also am aware that many married relationships are not happy ones and teaching your children that the most important thing is to remain in a monogamous relationship with someone no matter how miserable that may be can be hugely damaging.

The most important thing I hope to teach my daughter is that whatever relations she has they are consensual and respectful. I hope I can teach her that she deserves to be happy and fulfilled, and that this is not reliant on her having a long-term relationship, nor will she be a failiure if she does not manage to conform to the social expectations of the forever after marriage.

Don't really understand the concept of free love when the kids are in the next bedroom and start asking questions?
And as for this nonsense, I wonder if you have ever heard of these wonderful peopled called childminders or babysitters. They look after your children for you so you can go out and maybe see a film, or have a meal, or spend an evening with a friend having fabulous sex. Hmm

Roussette · 25/11/2017 09:55

coconut I just read your post and thought it's all about compartmentalising and then at the end you say that. That's exactly it, or at least it was for me when I had such an arrangement. Maybe it takes a certain type of personality, maybe you have to be strong and tough, maybe it just doesn't suit some people because they fall in love easier than others... who knows and I don't want to make judgements on those people who it doesn't suit unlike some on here who are quite happy to judge those it does!

MortalEnemy · 25/11/2017 09:57

Surely it's only an arrangement 'that mostly benefits men' if you think all men want no strings sex for preference, whereas all women are only trading sex for romance, a ring and commitment?

When really, as has been said up the thread, it's marriage, this thing women are supposed to want, that is an arrangement that mostly benefits men.