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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
Jilly12345 · 23/11/2017 21:31

@Bbbbbbb

I had one for a few years. It was convenient and fun! He didn't give a toss that my weight had gone up/down, and nor did I when I was sleeping with him. We talked about each others' lives & I grew fond of him, in the beginning

You grew fond of him........?

Bet he never felt the same about you.

I rest my case.

Women are far more likely to get emotionally attached in a FWB relationship than men are. That's just a fact, despite all the hollaring and ranting from some women on here, trying to deny they have ever been emotionally attached to a FWB.

Jilly12345 · 23/11/2017 21:32

@Bbbbbbb

I mean he probably liked you, but I bet he didn't feel the same emotional attachment to you, that you felt to him...

Bbbbbbb · 23/11/2017 21:36

Jilly12345, yes for the first six months, I did. And, no, he never felt the same. But after those few months had passed, I knew the deal, and still liked sleeping with him & enjoying his company. We are still in touch now, and went jogging (no, not bed jogging) the other day. Like I say, I wouldn't do it now.

birdsdestiny...Grin, if only!!

Bbbbbbb · 23/11/2017 21:39

Jilly12345, he thought I was 'fit' and 'good company', but I'm not sure you need any other components in a situation like that Grin

mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 21:43

Can you evidence that 'fact' about women with some statistics Jilly or is this fact your opinion?

gingergenius · 23/11/2017 21:49

@Jilly12345 my goodness so much unqualified judgement in your statements!

I can assure you that in spite of the fact that we are weak and feeble women, we are still capable of getting our jollies without resorting to tosca-esque melodrama. Believe it or not women are capable of enjoyable, friendly, physical relationships whereby they don't have a fit if the vapours if the involved man doesn't want to marry them and live happily ever after!! I've had several such relationships where, had the involved man wanted more, I would've been horrified.

We don't all need a romantic relationship to validate us.

Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 21:49

Jilly the pseudoscientist

Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 21:50

Btw I had sex with my mate two weeks ago - thought it was just a we both want it why not situation (I hadn’t had sex in nearly 3 years!) anyway on the way home he told me ‘he’s always fancied me’ he has now blocked me on EVERYTHING.

But yeah it’s us ‘girlies’ that get our feelings hurt

SpareASquare · 23/11/2017 21:52

Seems to be all in the terminology OP.
I mean, clearly you had a FWB set up yourself with some guy you fucked at Uni. You were friends. You did stuff together. Sex was a benefit. You had yourself a little FWB action going on Grin

You don't seem to mind that as much as you mind the actual term FWB. That seems to be where your problem is.

The effort you seem to be going to to separate your fuck buddy situation to other peoples is a little bizarre

Bbbbbbb · 23/11/2017 22:05

Dippingmytoesin, how bizarre! Do you think he'll unblock, do you really care if he doesn't?

BiglyBadgers · 23/11/2017 22:14

I've always found it is the men who get attached. I have had a few relationships where we have agreed up front it is just fun and frolicking and then they have gone and got all loved up and can't seem to understand why I don't feel the same. It got to the point when I gave up on casual sex because I just couldn't find all these mythical guys who just want a fun shag occasionally.

I have therefore concluded that all men are really just incapable of separating their delicate emotions from sex. All you have to do is give them a blowjob and suddenly they want to introduce you to their mum get irate when you look in the direction of another man. Poor flowers.

mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 22:15

Bigly 😂😂 true about the blowjob too haha

NotACleverName · 23/11/2017 22:17

That's just a fact, despite all the hollaring and ranting from some women on here, trying to deny they have ever been emotionally attached to a FWB.

You need to stop putting words in other users mouths are you're coming across as incredibly dickish and patronising, Jilly.

gingergenius · 23/11/2017 22:21

@BiglyBadgers yes yes YES!!!!

haveacupoftea · 23/11/2017 22:42

Like most people, i have had a range of sexual experiences from one night stands to long term relationships with FWB in the middle almost ten years ago.

Of all the men I've been with the one who has treated me with the most care and respect has been FWB by far. We did grow to love each other but at different times and I had moved on by the time he realised the feelings were there. However we are still friends on Facebook and send a little message to congratulate each other on engagements, birth of children etc.

So it doesn't have to be tacky and dirty. You can be very fond of each other and enjoy each other physically too without wanting a relationship.

Voice0fReason · 23/11/2017 23:01

I guess I think sex should be a big deal.
I'm not against casual sex.
Those statements contradict each other. They are also your judgements that you apply to your own life. Other people have different beliefs and that is fine. Sex doesn't have to be a big deal to everyone - lots of people just enjoy it but don't want a relationship. I have known a few friends be very happy with their FWB arrangements.

I don't why you have picked FWB as being tacky when you claim to be ok with casual sex. What's wrong with just wanting sex and having a friend who wants the same thing?

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/11/2017 01:19

Some women become emotionally attached in a sexual relationship.

Some men become emotionally attached in a relationship.

Some women don't become emotionally attached.

Some men don't become emotionally attached.

Some women become emotionally attached in some relationships, but not others.

Some men become emotionally attached in some relationships, but not others.

...is about the size of it.

You just cannot say that all women become emotionally attached in all relationships, all of the time.

It's crazy that there are people on this thread trying to argue this.

Graphista · 24/11/2017 02:28

"Some of us enjoy cock - this 😂 Without the hassle of having to have someone around all the damn time!!"

Omg yes! I can barely tolerate living with dd (almost 17) Grin

Small alteration - some of us just enjoy sex - with men or women. What other consenting adults do is not really anyone's business. I struggle to understand those friends of mine who've only ever slept with one person and likely only having the most vanilla of sex, that idea would have me climbing the walls with boredom, but it works for them and as long as they're happy that's fine.

But given some of the responses on this thread I wonder if there's a touch of envy at play?

Skittlesandbeer · 24/11/2017 03:09

I look back fondly on a couple of quite long-term FWB liaisons in my youth. No hurt feelings, no unmet expectations, no complications.

But a lot of fabulous fun, great shagging and a lot of laughs. Quite romantic often, too.

If I could get away with it these days (in a sadly celibate marriage), I would do it in a flash!

I’m just sorry there are no photos of these times for me to reminisce over. Pics would have been against the rules, I fear.

WinchestersInATardis · 24/11/2017 05:42

Yup, I've definitely been fond of my fwb. 'Fond' not 'in love'.
Liking someone and enjoying their company is really not the same as wanting to be in a relationship with them.
They're friends too, remember. That's what the F in FWB stands for.

Roussette · 24/11/2017 06:44

But given some of the responses on this thread I wonder if there's a touch of envy at play?

Exactly what I said upthread. It's a case of protesting too loudly.

It is a case of just friends who happen to enjoy shagging and who click sexually. I still have affection for my FWB decades later, but just that... affection, no more. He just happened to be good in the sack and we made the most of it when we were both not with anyone. It was great, it meant in my twenties I didn't go without Grin

So Jilly I shall keep hollering that I was not emotionally attached to my FWB, despite you seeming to know what I felt Hmm. it was purely physical with a bit of affection thrown in on both sides.

Fadingmemory · 24/11/2017 07:02

Who actually needs the "veneer" of respectability at any age? FWB fine - consenting adults having sex... Can run into difficulties if one falls for the other but tha

it's not tacky. Of course if anyone suggested that the FWB phenomenon is fine at any age I am sure some of you striplings (!) would start pearl clutching. Or whatever else it is you clutch in disapproval.

Coconutspongexo · 24/11/2017 07:45

Bbbbbbb
I’ll be a bit gutted he’s been my friend for 16 years but I also can’t force myself to have them feelings for him so it’s unfair to block me because of it!

coconuttella · 24/11/2017 08:03

I struggle with the concept tbh.

If I’m friends with them, it means I like them as a person.
If I’m having sex with them regularly then I am sexually attracted to them.

If there’s friendship and sex, then that’s a relationship to me... it doesn’t mean a lifelong commitment or being joined at the hip.

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/11/2017 08:22

OK great, so you know that is perhaps not for you.

Kindly meant - but why should that have any bearing on whatever anyone else fancies doing?