AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

[brasty]

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

There's a lot of judgey posters on this thread.

Nothing wrong with fwb as long as everyone is honest.

I also disagree with pp who say it's bad for young women, that can be the ideal time as often you're travelling, concentrating on your career, doing lots of different things etc. and don't want to settle down.

I've done it myself and no I didn't want him to turn into a LTR and I wasn't traumatised by the experience; it was fun and hurt no-one.

I actually think the bigger problem is people jumping into serious relationships/getting married/having kids with little thought beforehand. Just an observation (obviously I don't go around saying this to people IRL as it's not my business).

goingon That's what I was saying above though I didn't articulate it very well! I think rushing into LTRs and seeing LTRs as some kind of gold standard/goal/aspiration is very problematic, especially for young women.

I said above that my late teen and early 20s years of being an unashamed slut were really formative for me- I learned who I was independently, I developed my own tastes and hobbies independently and I learned what kind of sex and men I liked. I found my friends who were in LTRs didn't really manage to do this until much later (if at all actually).

I agree Birdz. There's a lot of pressure on young women to 'settle down' (hate that phrase!) There's still the old stereotype that single women are a bit tragic whereas single men are obviously just busy doing important things/living their lives.

@JustWonderingZ

Chestylarue, as I see it you are happy to put yourself in a potentially emotionally vulnerable situation then. Or you are hardy enough to say sod all this soppy stuff.

I can’t be dealing with the headfuck even if I were to get some amazing sex. Funny that some people will see marriage or exclusivity as a massive potential headfuck if things were to go wrong and can’t be arsed with that. I can see their way of thinking, too. As I view it, yes, husbands walk out, too. But at least you know you were THE most important person for him at some point. Not a compartment in his life to do away with dispassionately when it stops being convenient.

---

Yes you're right there we're all different. To me you're risking much more hurt and upset with a husband than without. But I see what you mean and why you would feel differently.

@peipeiping oh what a sheltered life you do lead.

Your replies are a great amusement. Do you get out often? Do you socialise beyond the garden gate?

Because if you did you'd 100% know for certain that more women than men want casual sex. To think otherwise is actually comical. Have you been conformed to believe in the social norms the media portrays? Silly you.

More men may 'say outloud' they want 1 night stands - but they never really get them, but more women will have it multiple times and still be able to drop them like a ball at the front door.

They just don't go around boasting or telling all and sundry.

You'll also find a lot more women have a toyboy in later life than men will have their playthings.

Wakey wakey, Dear.

@JustWonderingZ

Also, I do think there's a general misconception - just because he's not a traditional partner doesn't mean he's going to 'do away with me dispassionately because I'm no longer convenient'. I'm careful who I let into my life. Yes we might part ways but I think we would both have a grown up conversation about it and be kind to each other. In some ways less traditional relationships can be more open and honest.

Also, why is it so impossible for some to understand that a woman might just like fucking?

How terrible has your sex life really been to not appreciate a decent fuck as a stand alone item.

Some of us just enjoy cock. Mindlessly. Preferably with a handsome body and face attached to it.

I have a FWB. It's brilliant. I love him dearly. I don't want a relationship.

He's safe, there's no risk. We have fun. It's no pressure.

I get sex. There's no impact on my child's life.

Some of us just enjoy cock Best line on MN

Chesty I completely agree with you.

Firstly, I always felt much more able to openly and frankly discuss sex with FWBs than in LTRs. I mean, that has eventually come in LTRs but it takes a while. However, in FWBs I've always found it very easy from the get-go to say what I like during sex, what he should do, what he should stop doing, what I want to try out etc. In LTRs, I've always found these conversations a bit more tricky because there are too many emotions involved and you don't want to hurt people's feelings.

Secondly, my FWB "break ups" were always much cleaner and kinder that LTR break ups. We were always very nice and respectful to each other and honest about why we wanted to break off the arrangement. Again, because emotions weren't high it was easier to say "this isn't working for me" without having thousands of reasons why. I'm sure some people do just ghost their FWBs but I think the friends bit is really important to remember.

I couldn't do it because I get easily attached and cannot separate love and sex. Other people can do what they like.

'Fuck buddy' reminds me of the main character in 'Bridesmaids'.

Also, why is it so impossible for some to understand that a woman might just like fucking?

I get the impression that some people on MN aren't quite convinced when other women say they enjoy sex. They view sex as a chore, something that's done to a woman rather than something she actively and eagerly participates in.

Some of us enjoy cock - this 😂 Without the hassle of having to have someone around all the damn time!!

I'm not sure why it's such a hard thing for some people to grasp that not every woman wants a relationship.

I actually do find it hard to form emotional attachments to people which is precisely why FWB works so well for me. He doesn't want more from me that I'm just not willing to give.

Women who think they can maintain an emotional distance are trying to fool themselves - and I care not how many of them claim otherwise

Yeah because women are a homogenous mass with no power of thought for themselves

FWB is a relationship- they are friends (that's a relationship as far as I am aware) with a bit of nudity thrown in JUST FOR FUN.
Sex can be meaningful and it can also just be something fun. It doesn't have to happen purely as a result of romantic love,

I don't think it's tacky and I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for it - and I still don't really understand why anyone else would care.

Not speaking for myself, but many older women don't have the emotional capacity for a 'strings' relationship. 'No strings' is, in fact, far more appealing.

No one else to be responsible for - who wants to do someone else's laundry if they don't have to? - and no-one to compromise with.

For women - older women especially - this is incredibly appealing. Men get far more out of relationships than women do, generally speaking.

Why is this so difficult to understand?

Tacky is not a word I would use, but I do think that often younger women fall into the FWB scenario when they don't really want that. A guy they fancy says " I'm not really looking for anything serious" and they go " yeah, cool, me neither" and maybe they are not, but ( and this is just my experience) that is basically saying he has permission to shag other women and she is not allowed to mind. She may think she won't mind at first, but (and again, been around the block a few times and seen it happen) she winds up hurt and confused.
Or vice versa- she sees him primarily as a friend, he wants more and thinks by agreeing to be casual it will happen in time.
I have rarely seen it work.
Having said that, now I'm older I think I could do it, as I am better at compartmentalising. I don't have a moral issue with it at at all, just am a bit dubious that something as intimate as sex doesn't change a friendship dynamic into something that, for whichever reason, isn't being friends at all.

Ifnot I think you’ll find it’s women mostly aged 35+ they agree to FWB lately.

Mea culpa! I wrongly attributed this bit of common sense to one ThymeLord:

I am struggling to believe the posters saying they would not care if their fuck-buddy was done with them. They are kidding themselves IMO

Posting in haste earlier...

The word “buddy”makes me think of this teen novel:

ridersblogs.co.uk/mrst/wp-content/uploads/sites/11/2013/08/buddy.jpg

Quite amusing really!

The levels of judginess on this thread are awful. I'm female, in my forties, and the fwb model has worked very well for me. Not everyone wants a serious relationship.
Judging other people's sex lives based on your own preferences is far tackier than adults having consensual sex.

I had one for a few years. It was convenient and fun! He didn't give a toss that my weight had gone up/down, and nor did I when I was sleeping with him. We talked about each others' lives & I grew fond of him, in the beginning. Sometimes we'd go to the pub, and just meet there and not have sex. Other times, I'd go over in my Obama's...now that is tacky!! I wouldn't do it now though,but I'm not sure why.

Pajamas*

I tell you what having Obama as your fwb is well impressive.