AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

[brasty]

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

There’s a difference between being in a relationship and having a relationship with someone - the difference is not defined by shopping in Sainsbury’s though

Sounds like there's an argument about semantics and a desire to pigeonhole exactly what a FWB is to make it sound heartless whereas I think it's a term that can cover a wide variety of relationships that aren't 'serious' LTRs. A sexual relationship that both participants know at the outset isn't going to lead to marriage, kids, the happy ever after etc can either be called FWB or a short term fun relationship or whatever the hell you want to call it. Seems like we've all had them, it's just that the OP hasn't called hers a FWB.

I think the detractors have a point when they say some people (note that people, not just men) use the FWB tag as a way to excuse bad behaviour but then some people (again, not just women) get into a FWB relationship when actually they want more. And that's where it can go wrong when a FWB situation is actually two people wanting different things. The important thing is the friendship and treating each other with respect and honesty. But if you both have valid reasons to not want a serious live-in relationship (e.g. you have young children living with you from a previous relationship) then regular sex with someone you like and trust and sticking in that 'date' stage of a relationship where you're not completely involved in each others lives seems great.

There’s a difference between being in a relationship and having a relationship with someone

And the difference is?.... This is what I struggle with. I totally get that different relationships will have different levels of commitment, and some will even be open, but they are all relationships. It’s just confusing nonsense to make a semantic distinction between ‘in a relationship’ and ‘having a relationship’.... Where there is regular sex, there is a relationship. It may be casual, it may be serious.

Is there only a certain level of friendship where this can work? I know if I slept with one of my best friends I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye afterwards. The dynamic would be so weird as some of my friends are so close they are practically family!

trying to deny they have ever been emotionally attached to a FWB

Course I am emotionally attached to him, he's my best friend.

That isn't conditional on the sex. The sex stops he's still my best friend.

It always baffles me why people think they have to "get" or pigeonhole what other consensual adults are doing.

You wouldn’t choose to sleep with someone that’s so close they’re like family though Nancy.

The difference is between FWB and a relationship is knowing it’s just sex there’s nothing more to it and that nothing will come from it, you’re both on the same page.

Having sex with someone you call your “best friend” - do independent adults actually have best friends?? - is all kinds of weird.

Having sex with someone you call your “best friend” - do independent adults actually have best friends?? - is all kinds of weird

Yes because judging someone else's sex life is totally normal.

Yeah I have a couple of best friends. Not sure how on earth that could be problematic but hey, knock yourself out 😂

Yeah I wouldn't sleep with my best friend - she's a she anyway & not into that, plus her fella would kill me - because there is already a really strong baseline friendship there. My fuck buddies have always been people i associate with, usually within a group; i can talk to them, have a chat but before the FwB arrangement we never really hung out together on our own.

Every time you speak to someone you have a 'relationship' - even people you deem acquaintances. The idea of a FwB being someone i'm having a romantic relationship tho is laughable to me. I'm in a proper relationship with my OH; my FwB was a casual off the cuff thing

I think a lot of people in happy relationships would describe their OH as their best friend and no-one would eyeroll at that. I can't get over how over invested people are in other people's relationships and how they choose to describe them.

Is there only a certain level of friendship where this can work?

I think the main thing is that your both have to be absolutely honest about what you want form the relationship and happy with what the other person is offering. You also have to be honest if feelings change and not take it personally when the other person moves on.

For some people this could be easier with a close friend who knows you well, for other they may find it awkward with someone they are friends with and it works better with an acquaintance. There is no right or wrong here. Just what works for the people involved.

And yes, these sort of relationships can sometimes not work out, usually when someone isn't honest about what they really want. However, lots of long term relationships go horribly wrong, but we don't condemn the concept of committing to someone just because sometimes it doesn't work.

Yes and if fwb are more risky for women ( and I am not sure they are) then this is because of women's position in society. A woman in many ways takes more risks in all relationships (she can get pregnant, she can get killed ) but that has bugger all to do with the type of relationship it is. I think judging young women on their choices because some man may exploit them feels all sorts of wrong.

FWB is a lot safer for a woman than a ONS with an unknown stranger, or indeed than a relationship where you can get trapped by a controlling abusive man. Getting your heart broken is not the worst thing that can happen in a relationship and in a FWB situation you retain your independence. I'm surprised there's not more of us doing it actually, LTR/marriage are generally for men's benefit, not for women's (and I say that as a married person with a decent OH).

LTR/marriage are generally for men's benefit, not for women's

Disagree.... I’ve lost count of the number of times a woman comes on here with kids worried she’ll have nothing as she’s not married, isn’t on the house deeds, and has limited job prospects due to taking time out of work for childcare.

Exactly, particularly as we age purely on physical health men do better out of marriage than women.

I think on an emotional level studies have shown that marriage is more beneficial for men's happiness than women's. I suppose with older men and women that is easily explained due to women taking on the lion's share of child rearing and household chores.

Based on a sample size of precisely one .......... I can safely say that there is nothing to suggest that marriage makes women happy

And the difference is?.... This is what I struggle with. I totally get that different relationships will have different levels of commitment, and some will even be open, but they are all relationships. It’s just confusing nonsense to make a semantic distinction between ‘in a relationship’ and ‘having a relationship’.... Where there is regular sex, there is a relationship. It may be casual, it may be serious.

You're using 'relationship' to mean romantic relationship. Sex and romance and friendship are all very different things. You can have one without the other.

This is why it's not a 'relationship'. There's no romantic love involved. Just two friends doing something they both like

Where there is regular sex, there is a relationship

Sex is not the defining part of a romantic relationship. It is just a thing you do with someone. It can be a very important part of a romantic relationship, but it's not the be all and end all. Watching films together is a hugely important part of my romantic relationship with dh (for others it might be playing tennis or got to the theatre), it's probably as important in our relationship as sex to be honest, but that doesn't mean if I watch a film with someone else I'm in a romantic relationship with them.

I think a lot of time people do conflate sex with love. They are not the same. Love is a complex feeling, sex is just a fun activity.

Anyone who thinks people are jealous of people with FWB relationships is deluded.

Why would anyone be jealous of someone being used for sex, by someone that doesn't want a relationship with them?

'Some of us just enjoy cock sounds' pretty pathetic actually. And a bit desperate.

I’ve been single for 5+yrs, I know several people that I’d happily ride until they begged for mercy, but I simply can’t be arsed with the leg shaving etc.

FWB isn’t tacky, but it’s a bit of a faff to scratch and itch that I can manage with my fingers. Sex just sex, it doesn’t have to involve ‘all the feels’.

Why would anyone be jealous of someone being used for sex, by someone that doesn't want a relationship with them? confused

"Being used" suggests both parties are not on the same page. If they are where's the issue?

'Some of us just enjoy cock sounds' pretty pathetic actually. And a bit desperate

Indeed, how DARE a woman acknowledge her own sexuality and need for sexual gratification. Jezebel. Back to 1940 with you.

Anyone who thinks people are jealous of people with FWB relationships is deluded.

Why would anyone be jealous of someone being used for sex, by someone that doesn't want a relationship with them? confused

'Some of us just enjoy cock sounds' pretty pathetic actually. And a bit desperate.

Well, in that case, just call me 'deluded'. And 'used'. And 'desperate'.

Bugger; haven't got much going for me, have I?

And, for the record, I don't think anyone is jealous. Why ever would you be? Just as long as you realise that I'm not jealous of the Sainsbury-visiting couples: I can simply go to Tesco

Some of us just enjoy cock sounds' pretty pathetic actually. And a bit desperate.

At least we're not on here posting about dull sexless marriages on here.
Lots of you couples do.