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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Friends With Benefits, is a bit tacky?

956 replies

brasty · 22/11/2017 17:46

Maybe I am? But this seems to be much more common amongst young people. It all just makes me feel a bit "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells".

OP posts:
HadronCollider · 23/11/2017 13:31

YAdefinatelyNotBU!

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 13:32

ROFL at Sainsbury's being a "couple-y" thing to do.

Jesus, I need to up my couple game... me and DP haven't been shopping at a supermarket together for years

KnittingNancy2017 · 23/11/2017 13:32

I think if you refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend and agree to be exclusive (or agree to an open relationship I suppose) thats probably a relationship rather than FWB?

expatinscotland · 23/11/2017 13:33

'Personally, for me I see no value in an arrangement like this. I see no point in engaging in something both participants know is a dead end from the word go. I wouldn’t even want to spend any of my time on this.

From this thread it is clear that FwB arrangement does add value to some people’s lives. So bully for them, but I am pass.'

See, I never saw having a good rogering with plenty of orgasms as a dead end. Good sex feels good and it's fun.

As for the OP, don't really see why ONS's don't devalue sex but FWB does. Hmm

Sounds weird to me.

It's just sex.

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 13:33

Well what is a coupley thing to do?

OP posts:
Redglitter · 23/11/2017 13:33

me and DP haven't been shopping at a supermarket together for years

Is he even your partner then Shock

Grin
mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 13:35

Ah shit i'd best tell OH in order to be classed as a couple he must come shopping with me once a week!! He'll be devastated

Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 13:35

Coupley things include going away together going to weddings/functions as a COUPLE planning your future together

mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 13:36

Meeting each other's friends, family. Becoming a small part of their life rather than just someone you see on a set day for a bit of fun

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 13:37

In answer to the point you put in the OP as well, I'm actually quite glad that FwBs are becoming more common among younger people.

When I was younger so many of my friends "settled down" very early then some jumped from one LTR to the next with all the upset and heart-break that causes. I didn't have this and I felt that I "found myself" (sorry for the sloppy wording!) in my own time and in my own way in the ways my friends in LTRs just didn't.

I also found out very early what I like during sex by being with different men and feeling (because we weren't emotionally connected) that I could tell them what to do without fear of hurting their feelings Grin

expatinscotland · 23/11/2017 13:37

Is it 'coupley' to share a spliff after a right good seeing to Grin?

hellofresh · 23/11/2017 13:38

Nothing wrong with FWB if that's what both people want out of the relationship. I watched the saddest OBEM last night where a young couple who had a FWB relationship were having a baby. She obviously adored him. He was really loving and supportive one minute and then on the phone to his current girlfriend the next. It was so sad to watch.

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 13:39

Is he even your partner then

Clearly not, we're just FwBs Sad

Original poster
brasty · 23/11/2017 13:40

Going away together, going to weddings - yes none of that happened when I was young as I knew no one getting married and we were too skint to go away. Yes agree those in relationships meet each others friends, although don't necessarily hang out with each others friends.

OP posts:
Roussette · 23/11/2017 13:40

There's strange views on here and I'm wondering if it's just the FWB wording that is muddling some people!

'A good friend you are not having a relationship with but you have sex with.' is a bit of a mouthful.

All I know is.. it can work, it did for me. We were both single and every now and again one of us would meet someone so we'd put our thing to one side and then come back again if the timing was right for both of us.

I don't even like hugging someone that I have no positive feelings for, certainly would not want to have sex with someone with no feelings involved at all. Doesn't have to be love, but like and attracted to

Why can't we have affection? That's a feeling surely. I liked my FWB and still do 30 years later, he's a great bloke, I just didn't want to end up with him.

mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 13:41

Game i hope you have been explicit about it at least being exclusive FwB !!

Coconutspongexo · 23/11/2017 13:42

You do tend to hang around and spend time with your OHs mates though.
I would put money on this lad from your past thinking you’re someone he was FWB with

Jilly12345 · 23/11/2017 13:59

@mustbemad17

Well I have no idea WHY you aimed that question at me, because I never said I would be happy with that set up. (Just having dinner, and a chat, and a fuck 2-3 times a month or so....) Confused

Yes, I did say that this could still be classed as a relationship (and several others said it too.) Having dinner, (once a week or so,) a few giggles, and a fuck with someone, is still a relationship, whether you like it or not. There are different types of relationships, and this is a less serious one, but it is definitely still a relationship, as I said; whether you like it or not.

But I never said I would want a relationship like this. Other people would be OK with a relationship like this, but I would not be, and I never said I would be.

You can't just make stuff up to suit your agenda. Debates do not work like that.

I still maintain however, that this set-up cannot work long-term (for most people,) because someone will will get emotionally attached, and will ultimately get hurt if their fuck-buddy embarks on a serious relationship with someone else, and tries to terminate the relationship they have. When one of the 2 people tries to end the fuck-buddy set-up, jealousy and resentment will set in with the 'rejected' partner. Trust me, I have seen it happen.

Like a few other posters on here, I am struggling to believe the posters saying they would not care if their fuck-buddy was done with them. They are kidding themselves IMO.

GinDaddy · 23/11/2017 13:59

I think people should stop telling the OP that her relationship wasn't a relationship , just because she wasn't (as a student!) doing the "couply" things that some Mumsnetters believe define a relationship. If she felt it was real, and they were committed to each other, no matter how low key the time spent together, then it was a relationship. Stop forcing the OP to tacitly endorse FWB by making her admit to having had one when she is clear she hasn't.

Saying that - OP, I feel you are quick to define what's unpalatable to you about FWB, and not accepting that for many (including myself) it can be a very safe and appealing setup.

chestylarue52 · 23/11/2017 13:59

So if I understand correctly, you will be happy for this ‘better than most’ man to walk out the door tomorrow and to never see him again? No pangs of the heart, no regrets? See I will struggle with that. I am rather on the introverted end of the scale, so letting somebody into my personal space is kinda significant for me, whether it is sex or friendship. I am just as ‘picky’ as to who I call friends, as who I sleep with. I feel I would be giving them a part of myself, my mind, heart or my body. I don’t think I will be able to detach to that level, nor would I want to. Rather be celibate.

I don't see why he would walk out of the door and I'd never see him again. He likes me and respects me and I trust him. I think we'd be friends even if we stopped sleeping together, for whatever reason. I mean there's the risk he might walk out and id never see him again, but even married women risk that.

I don't want to be celibate forever and why should I? I love sex, and male company, and I'd rather risk the sadness and heartache of losing a lover than live without one.

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 14:03

Jilly I am struggling to believe the posters saying they would not care if their fuck-buddy was done with them. They are kidding themselves IMO

Confused But posters (me included) are telling you what it was like. So I don't see why you are struggling with it. We're not kidding ourselves, we're telling you about our own actual experiences not some mythical future possibility.

BitchQueen90 · 23/11/2017 14:03

FWB doesn't have to be completely devoid of feelings. I wouldn't want to be spending time with someone I don't like.

I get on well with mine. He's a nice guy. We have a laugh. I fancy him, sex is good. I just don't want to be meeting his family, I don't want him meeting my DS, I don't want him around regularly, I don't want his opinions on things to do with my everyday life. I don't love him.

mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 14:03

Gin people are only giving their opinion on OP's set up. No different to what she has done throughout this thread regarding FwB!

Jilly your comment sort of lost its context. I simply responded to your 'well it is a relationship' by asking if you would be happy being in a 'proper' relationship with someone that only involved those things. Not sure why the need to toss your toys out the pram, it was a simple question based on a comment!

mustbemad17 · 23/11/2017 14:04

Game perhaps we are discussing something mythological 😱 Like unicorns & leprachauns!

GameOldBirdz · 23/11/2017 14:06

Gin

I think people should stop telling the OP that her relationship wasn't a relationship , just because she wasn't (as a student!) doing the "couply" things that some Mumsnetters believe define a relationship. If she felt it was real, and they were committed to each other, no matter how low key the time spent together, then it was a relationship. Stop forcing the OP to tacitly endorse FWB by making her admit to having had one when she is clear she hasn't

We're not forcing the OP endorse anything. I'm saying that if a friend described their "relationship" to me in the way that OP has done, I would either think "They're FWBs" or "He's using her as an FWB but she doesn't realise and thinks it's a relationship".

There'd be absolutely no judgement from me. People can do whatever they like with whoever they like and call it whatever they like but, similarly, I don't expect judgement for my life choices to have many FWBs.

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