To wish DSis-in-law would stop criticising MY parenting?!?

[NameChanged2349]

Just what it says in the title really! DSis-in-law has a DD in the same year at school as my DD (15yo) and they get along fine but are just very different, and I am accepting of this. They always have been. Yet whenever I meet with DSis or the four (or even all) of us do something together she constantly makes snide remarks about the boundaries I set for DD and how DD ‘behaves’. (“Ooh I wouldn’t let my DD do that.” “Do you really let her do that?” “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.” “Don’t you think it’s a bit worrying that she’s doing XYZ already.”) It’s really grating on me.

So maybe this is almost a WWYD... I’ve called her out on it a few times now (I don’t judge your parenting/DD so there’s no reason to judge mine etc) and she just. Won’t. STOP. It’s almost every time we meet up and i’ve had enough!! Even DD and younger DCs have noticed because she’s started doing it around us all. AIBU to think it’s none of her business and wish she’d leave us to parent our teenagers differently?

MsGame I’m definitely not judging DN in real life, it’s clearly just coming across poorly over the internet! I think DN is a bit of a dream child to parent (can’t imagine ever having to tell her off!), which is where I think all of the comments come from - DSIL knows this!

Amazed at the pps who think a year 10 girl should not have an older bf.
Think back to your own adolescence, how attractive were the boys in your class? They were like kid brothers to me, very few had emotional maturity, I would never have been attracted to any of them.
Girls mature earlier, so of course they want a boyfriend a year or two older.

Yes of course " letting " your dd have a boyfriend means negotiation and communication. It woulds be much easier to ban everything. But then the parent child relationship would be two dimensional, the child would have to explore everything by stealth, with no adult support, no wise words, no help.

Op you sound like a good mum, your daughter ( and your niece BTW) sound delightful.

Not sure why the Op is getting a hard time on here....her daughter sounds like a perfectly normal teenage girl...i have a 14 year old and she has had a bit of cider at parties (shock..horror) and likes boys....i think some of the posters on here need to think back to when they were teenagers..
As for the sil....that would really piss me off and id end up snapping at her !!!

Is this a TAAT? There was a thread written from the sils pov a few days back? Or atleast very similar

Thanks ohyes and myuser!

And I don’t know what a TAAT (thread at a thread?) is but as far as I know SIL doesn’t have mumsnet... Maybe someone else is just in the same position! Hardly surprising given how teens all grow up very differently. I just namechanged because I was worried about posting on AIBU (heard it’s a bit of a rough ride) and thought it was potentially identifiable.

TAAT - thread about a thread

There was one a few days ago someone critising someone else possibly their SILs parenting as she let her teen dds drink and wear revealing clothes

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3090420-Thinking-that-shes-hardly-a-responsible-parent

Ah, I see. Luckily DDs are 15, 13 and 10 and none of them have ever come home with the police (I would definitely lose it if that happened!) or have troubles at school, so it’s not the same. Interesting to read that perspective though (although this definitely sounds more extreme than my DD - maybe I should show SIL for perspective )

You both sound like you are doing your best for your daughters and meeting their different needs. However, I suppose if her daughter is very different it is hard for her to see things in the same way you do and vice versa.

I really can't imagine letting kids have alcohol at a party at mine though as I just wouldn't want that responsibility and wouldn't be happy for my son to go a party like that at 15 (though he is only 13 now so maybe I am just not there yet!!!). So maybe she is genuinely concerned.

Also, I wonder if there is some jealousy though, did your daughter invite her cousin to the Halloween party - or was she not allowed to come due to the alcohol issue? It is a bit like her cousin had a party that there is no way she would be allowed to attend.

Tbf I would be concerned too. Purely because I went to a girl's school so knew a lot of girls and the intimate details of their lives. The ones who were drinking, partying with older children and having older boyfriends at 15 years old didn't emerge unscathed. It all started innocently enough but escalated. Between them they were sexually assaulted, drugged and raped, fell pregnant and need abortions, pressured into doing things they were not ready for by their outwardly nice, polite public school type boyfriends, many developed mental health problems (although I think that was more because they were teenaged girls than anything) etc. This isn't always the case but it was the case for the girls I knew. Don't say you haven't been warned. However, the clarinet comment makes me think that she was just being snide and may not even be concerned at all or is exaggerating her concern to make you feel bad. Certainly her way of communicating any concerns she may have seems to be for the purpose of making you feel bad.she may be unkind but it is food for thought nonetheless.

*Sorry, I should note that I went to a private school and those kinds of girls were seen by their male counterparts as fair game. Although these things didn't go well for friends I knew from less affluent backgrounds but they didn't go as badly either. It very well may be different for your DD-I hope that it will but when people close to you make criticisms it is always worth considering them. People who know you well can pick up on things you haven't without even meaning to.

Having read more now, I think it may be that they’re simply very different kinds of girls. My DSis and I were this different growing up and we were brought up in the same family!

And I do agree that there might be some jealousy on your SIL’s part; your DD is clearly a very talented girl and very popular. But I think some of what she’s saying could come from a place of caring, she’s just somewhat too in your face about it.

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your DN too.

I do feel a bit of sympathy for your SIL. I think that when your kids are that age it starts to become very difficult parenting when some parents are a lot more permissive.

I think every parent with a child that age has had the conversations with their children about 'why can't I drink booze, why can't my boyfriend sleep over, why can't I go out partying instead of revising. X's parents let HER do it YOU ARE BEING SO UNFAIR'. Often it's the case that those parents have a very mature child who is able to cope with that but you know that it's not the right thing for your child who is perhaps not so mature.

Perhaps you need to talk about this and set some ground rules about what is discussed? Perhaps you and DD also need to be a bit more circumspect with what you're saying yourselves so this issue doesn't come up. If you and DD are bringing up things like drinking and partying and boyfriends in front of her and her DD she may very much feel like she has no choice but to make it extremely clear this is not what her DD is going to be doing as she doesn't want her DD thinking that this is what she should be doing.

Put yourself in her shoes for a minute, imagine you had a less mature child who genuinely might be in danger if they were drinking and partying because they aren't streetwise, or a child who really needs to wire in with no distractions to get good grades and isn't lucky enough to be able to party and get good grades. Would you really feel comfortable allowing close family who are influential to create an impression that doing something which could be destructive for them was the 'cool' thing to be doing?

I suspect there's probably a need on both sides to be a bit less open about conflicting parenting choices, and most of what you describe does seem to be in response to you telling them about things, so perhaps be a bit more careful about what you're revealing? If she was posting here I suspect she might also say she felt her parenting was being attacked too.

I've just realised I appear to have 'perhaps' Tourette's in the last post.

Is she jealous of your DD does she compare her to her DD
You have to remember your DD is also her niece so her concerns may be genuine

She also may be slightly jealous

You either have to be really firm with her or avoid her as much as you can

Let’s just hope SIL loves DN just the way she is and is not having a go at her to join in her cousins parties etc.

Ok apologies OP. I must have misread the tone.

I do think that your dd sounds like a great girl. It IS annoying when others make comments on your parenting. I've had "Oh your brave" in letting my dd walk to my friends house after netball club in primary school in Y5. My friend lives a quarter of a mile away from the school and she didn't even need to cross a road.

As I said my dd is 'nerdy'. She binge watched Netflix and likes to go to the cinema. She's plays guitar and does drama with her other nerdier friends. I often get comments from my MIL because my DN (who is exactly the same age and does Cheerleading competitions) is apparently doing 'great things' while my dd does nothing. I'm always a bit flawed by this statement and never know what to say. I will snap one day though.

user DD did actually invite DN to the Hallowe’en party and said she could bring her group of friends if I could speak to their parents (that was my condition about the whole event/alcohol - being able to have the contact details of each parent) because she realised DN might be uncomfortable if she came alone. SIL also said this would be fine, but DN decided she didn’t want to come (also understandable). It wasn’t that DN wasn’t allowed - it was very much that she just didn’t want to, which is entirely up to her. There were also kids there who didn’t drink anything, DN just isn’t a fan of big groups and has never really been into even lower school disco style parties.

Ttbb totally take on board your points - DD (and her friends/bf) are at a normal (in every way!) comp and we have known the bf for a number of years (his older sister used to babysit for us!). But you are right - it is always a risk. However I just don’t think SIL’s “you really shouldn’t let her” comments are particularly useful - me saying “no you can’t go to xyz with/ do xyz like all your friends” is hardly going to work, especially as she gets older. If something awful does happen, I hope that how I’ve managed it will mean she is totally comfortable with telling me. Because if she ever is in the position, (gets sexually assaulted/drugged/stupidly drunk) I’d rather she knew she could call me.

Mittens I entirely agree - just think they’re very different girls.

EltonJohn I entirely see what you mean about the permissive thing (it frustrates me when some of DD’s friends mums are more laid back than I am!). However, as explained earlier SIL was fine with the idea of DN coming to the halowe’en party. She is also often the one to bring everything she disapproves of - asks me “and is the boyfriend still around?” and “any partying for DD this weekend” and when I say yes she’ll then start making remarks - “you really should put a stop to that”, and “I’m so lucky my DD has no interest in all of this, it’s ridiculous” type remarks. Then we get into other things - giving up the clarinet, giving up her part time job (after 8 months!) so she has more time for dance after getting on a new scheme (“she clearly struggles to commit to things” apparently - as though dancing 3 days after school and all day on Saturday was no commitment!), her A level choices (“what is she going to do with those?”, “don’t you think she’s choosing the easy route?”, “they’re a bit useless really, why doesn’t she do something useful like maths?”). I totally see why what you’re saying would make sense in a lot of cases - just not sure it’s a feature in this one. Though I may be wrong of course.

Olive and altiara I absolutely hope it ISN’T jealousy. It honestly feels more like a competitive/smug thing, which as a not very competitive person I find quite wearing.

Trampire sounds like you’re in the reverse situation essentially. So annoying. Your DD sounds very like DN - and I honestly don’t think there’s any problem with that, she sounds great! I’m very proud and fond of DN.

She is clearly very 'jealous ' for lack of a better word and that's how it's coming out in this rather bitchy criticism of your DD . As my bet is she compares them unfavourably

Maybe having her embrace her DD and her ways more might be a way ? So start subtly praising her DD and her intelligence and STEM inclinations . That's what I would try first

*Lucky you having a child that embraces STEM ! She won't have any problems finding work will she '

Hopefully boys at her school are more respectful. The boys who did these kinds of things were real bastards but the girls never told their parents as far as I am aware, some of the parents were well aware and condoned the boys behaviours ;not the drugging and the raping obviously but a lot of the girls were subjected to low level emotional abuse under the watchful eye of their parents. There was certainly never any police involvement and the school didn't want to know (despite the fact that many of the girls were boarders). I agree that the way she approached it was a bit off though.

"It's such a shame you don't feel you can trust your daughter to make responsible decisions"

Very interesting to hear the “jealous” angle - such a shame if it is the case. I sort of assumed it wasn’t that because I can’t see much to be jealous of but I suppose she may be

I’ll definitely put more into praising DN. I’m already highly impressed by her - and I do tell her mum this (and often tell her how lucky she is that DN never argues back or asks for much. Such an easy teen!). Hopefully that’ll ease things up. I’ll also be trying some sarcasm probably if it continues... because it’s not really fair. Especially not now she’s started making comments to DD’s face.

I would try the jealous angle first and then very gently ease into the wave 2

Which is to quietly sit her down and say that she really shouldn't say hurtful things to your DDs face , it hurts DD and it hurts you and you reallly don't understand why she does it when you all are supposed to love each other
She's family so you have to be the bigger person !!!

Why do you describe your DN as being “quirky”? That’s just as judgemental as “nerdy”.

Playing devil’s advocate here, but you do sound a tad gushy about how “popular and cool” your DD is and perhaps you rub her nose in it a bit.

Sounds like a friend of mine whose DS would, by your standards, be considered one of the cool kids. He’s also very capable academically, very mature for his age, sporty etc etc. He also (in my opinion) has zero empathy for others, can be rude, monosyllabic and sneering. I’d imagine he would consider someone whose hobbies are different from his own as “quirky” too.

Just a thought.

Smile and nod, with the occasional 'thank you for sharing that' to devastating effect.