To wish DSis-in-law would stop criticising MY parenting?!?

[NameChanged2349]

Just what it says in the title really! DSis-in-law has a DD in the same year at school as my DD (15yo) and they get along fine but are just very different, and I am accepting of this. They always have been. Yet whenever I meet with DSis or the four (or even all) of us do something together she constantly makes snide remarks about the boundaries I set for DD and how DD ‘behaves’. (“Ooh I wouldn’t let my DD do that.” “Do you really let her do that?” “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.” “Don’t you think it’s a bit worrying that she’s doing XYZ already.”) It’s really grating on me.

So maybe this is almost a WWYD... I’ve called her out on it a few times now (I don’t judge your parenting/DD so there’s no reason to judge mine etc) and she just. Won’t. STOP. It’s almost every time we meet up and i’ve had enough!! Even DD and younger DCs have noticed because she’s started doing it around us all. AIBU to think it’s none of her business and wish she’d leave us to parent our teenagers differently?

Sorry, no advice though I like some of the ideas on here. You sound like you have quite an intelligent form of parenting, actually. Your SIL and some of the people commenting here remind me of an ex-friend who thought it was dreadful that the daughters of myself and another friend were no longer virgins at the age of seventeen. What she didn't know was that her own daughter was very far from being a virgin either, just did not have the same confidence with her mother to talk about it.

Also an aunt of mine told me when I was a young adult that she would never let any of her children travel around the world like I had. But how do you stop them. Her oldest daughter became a much more adventurous traveller than I ever was.

Stealth boast about how cool and grown-up your DD is . If you constantly shove that in your SIL's face and imply her DD is a 'nerd' and less mature (actually keeping up instruments and choosing studying over socialising is the more mature decision) no wonder SIL has a go back.

She is jealous of your DD's cool social life compared to hers DD and she wants it to have some negative consequences and wants her to fail.

This. I’d imagine your DD is the sort of girl SIL wanted to be when she was in high school too.

Could you just ignore her and say oh that's nice. Our daughters are very different so handle things differently.

I agree with Broken and Pengggwn.

You seem rather proud of how "cool" and popular your daughter is. My daughter is more like your niece and I would find your attitude rather trying. I agree that it appears that you are rubbing her nose in it. You don't seem to have any empathy for how it feels to be unpopular and looking in from the inside so your SIL snipes at you to feel better about her daughter.

We're you that"cool" girl at school as well?

She is jealous of your DD's cool social life compared to hers DD and she wants it to have some negative consequences and wants her to fail
Or she sees her niece at 15 drinking at parties, dating 17 year olds and going to parties with the older 'cool' crowd and understandably thinks the likelihood of these older groups only having one cider is slim. Maybe she's concerned that at 15 there seems to be a shift towards drinking, makeup and being cool and popular and given it's an important year she is expressing concern (albeit in the wrong way).
The entire thing feels like a complete stealth boast about how cool and grown up your 15 year old is with their makeup, alcohol, older boyfriend, cool popular group and going out with the older kids.

If i look at my year group on facebook thr ones who are doing best 15 years later aren't the ones who were off drinking with 17 year olds during their gcses.

I totally agree with Maisy. Your daughter is 15 yet you talk as though you have no control whatsoever over her choices. At 15 she needs much more guidance. Personally, I'd be worried about the drinking, not condoning it and I'd be very careful over the 17 year old boyfriend too. She is underage, he isn't. There's a whole minefield of issues right there.

The 'nerdy' niece is actually on track to probably achieve a whole lot more than her 'cool' cousin.

I think I’m definitely closer to your sis-in-law in terms of parenting. I strongly believe that many children at some point as they mature like to test their boundaries. If they are already drinking alcohol, dating 2 years above and giving up an instrument they have invested many years and time in learning with your permission what will they choose to rebel against?

My close friend had a similar style to yours. She also who had children who were very ‘open’ with her. Now two arrests, one teen pregnancy and one severe drug problem later she has advised me to take a different route with my now four year old.

Sorry meant to say are you sure it is not coming from a place of concern rather than envy. I would be anxious for my niece and for the influence she might be having on my own daughter. Having been one of the ‘nerdy’ kids through choice I see nothing envious about underage drinking, sexual activity (he’s 17 don’t kid yourself) and losing a hard earned skill with a musical instrument. The instrument in particular when uni applications are just around the corner.

I'd take this from my SISTER but not my SIL.
With my sister we could have an open discussion about the differences in our children and our parenting and even if it got heated, it would clear the air and we'd move on or we'd have a big bust up and not speak for 6 months!

I would turn all her comments back to a question e.g. why do you say that? Don't get defensive, just keep asking her why she thinks such and such.

It does sound like your DD's might drift apart anyway as they seem quite different personalities.

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I think anyone who clearly thinks it's awesome that their underage daughter drinks, is in the cool group, is popular with the older boyfriend etc probably spends a lot of time thinking that all the other kids must be super jealous of their gorgeous, popular daughter. It must follow then that anyone who isn't full of admiration must be jealous that their child isn't as cool and grown up.

The reality is nothing of the sort.

If I look at our y11, thr other kids don't really care and if anything seem to be a bit over the 'popular' crew.

I don't think she sounds envious. Sounds to me like she's congratulating herself on being a better parent and making sure you 'know ' she's superior by pointing out your 'mistakes '.

Why are you obsessed with using the words cool and nerdy?

Like pp all the ‘nerdy’ kids at school are now the ones doing really well in life not the kids drinking underage.

Do you set any boundaries? You are the parent not your daughters friend.

Whatever her motivation she sounds very judgey which is inappropriate. I'd be very direct and reply "You are such a prude!" "You are so controlling!" Etc until she gets the message.

I much rather my dd was “nerdy” than popular going to party’s drinking and having an older boyfriend, I say that as someone who used to sneak out and go out drinking in town but I knew I had to be a be ok when I got home so I never over did it. I think you sound very naive. There will be a hell of a lot more alcohol at those parties because everyone sneeks it in for starters especially spirits. You don’t necessarily know what adult supervision is going on at these parties and your dd is only 15. They can be extremely vulnerable especially if she has an older boyfriend who will be wanting a sexual relationship and with the pressure involved. I think her warnings are for coming from a good place. My friend was an A* student and went off the rails drinking and get herself into some right states and vulnerable situations.

‘I’m really proud and supportive of DD’s choices’

Whatever her motivation she sounds very judgey which is inappropriate
Because it's wrong to think that 15 year olds should be doing other things than going drinking with the cool older people and hanging out with their 17 year old boyfriend.
If yhe OP thinks she knows all that is going on then I think she may be a little naive.

On a regular basis I hear what the 'cool popular' kids in y11 get up to and it's not one cider in a controlled environment.

I second the responses along the lines of "That's nice" or "That's interesting" or "well that might work for your DD but our DD is a different person".

I also think you should try and see it in a different light - it IS possible that she is envious of your DD's popularity and so might be guilty of "tall poppy syndrome", where she tries to chop your DD down to the level of others around her - so I'd try and pity her for her envy, rather than reacting to it.

Above all, it's your choice how you raise your DD (and there's a teeny bit of me who hopes that her DD rebels in a big way in a couple more years!)

I tend to agree with PPs that you seem overly keen on the words ‘cool’ and ‘nerdy’ and that this is a stealth boast about your popular DD. But I would share your SIL’s concerns about underage drinking and very likely underage sex. That’s not to say that she isn’t coming across as judgey of course.

My DD is in yr9 and her and her friends are already about the "cool" kids and so don't want to go there. They are already getting a reputation that is impossible to recover from whilst still in school.

Certainly, I remember all the "cool" kIds drinking and having underage sex at parties with the older kids from when I was in school-am glad my DD is not one of them.

OP ignore the SIL clones on here. Lots of people want to say SIL is "jealous" or you are "stealth-boasting", or your lovely daughter is headed for the bread line because she goes to a couple of parties a month. Lol at all of this nonsense. Equally stupid is thinking that a child who prefers Harry Potter to teen partying is somehow immature...

The reality is that kids are different from one another, and too often someone who has had a child who likes reading and practising the piano and has no interest in makeup sits in judgement over the parent who has a child who has a boyfriend at 14 and wears too much eye shadow.

Speaking as a parent who has had both kinds of children...

and all of you know the rest of that sentence, so I don't need to spell it out.

I think the best advice came from Elendegeneres at 23:32 on page 1. I would think a friendly and honest chat with Sil would be a wonderful idea, and if you can pull it off it would relieve the tension.

All of us are a bit too judgemental sometimes, and we all need to fight against this tendency, and remember that kids are different and unpredictable. We especially need to remember that our parenting decisions have a very complex, mysterious, and often paradoxical effect on our children, so we should stop thinking about how we have done a better job than someone else...

I'd go for "Well, good job we are all different isn't it?" when she says these things.

I think that she is feeling insecure about the job of parenting, and is talking through how she feels/reassuring herself that she is happy with her choices. When your dd gives up the clarinet or goes to a party, she is imagining how she would respond to her own dd doing the same. Although it sounds as if she is criticising you, she isn't really thinking about you or your dd as real people, it's all about her and her dd.

You could sympathise - "I know, but you just have to do what's right for your own child, don't you?" Emphasise that they you are different people doing what's right for your own kids, your dds are different people - and aren't you both lucky to have healthy, talented kids who are doing so well? Then move on, briskly. "Cup of tea?"