To wish DSis-in-law would stop criticising MY parenting?!?

[NameChanged2349]

Just what it says in the title really! DSis-in-law has a DD in the same year at school as my DD (15yo) and they get along fine but are just very different, and I am accepting of this. They always have been. Yet whenever I meet with DSis or the four (or even all) of us do something together she constantly makes snide remarks about the boundaries I set for DD and how DD ‘behaves’. (“Ooh I wouldn’t let my DD do that.” “Do you really let her do that?” “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.” “Don’t you think it’s a bit worrying that she’s doing XYZ already.”) It’s really grating on me.

So maybe this is almost a WWYD... I’ve called her out on it a few times now (I don’t judge your parenting/DD so there’s no reason to judge mine etc) and she just. Won’t. STOP. It’s almost every time we meet up and i’ve had enough!! Even DD and younger DCs have noticed because she’s started doing it around us all. AIBU to think it’s none of her business and wish she’d leave us to parent our teenagers differently?

MissClare I didn’t think “quirky” was a judgemental term? I’d consider myself “quirky”? As in I have never take much interest in the things often considered “mainstream” (and neither does DN), and I have a slightly odd sense of humour (as does DN!). And I made it clear that I was very reluctant to use “nerdy” - I was just trying to avoid having to give an in depth description of each teen. Which I did later do anyway! She just happens to fit those stereotypes so it felt easier - I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with being “nerdy” or “quirky” and don’t understand why it should be presented as such. I wasn’t using those words in a derogatory/negative manner - I was simply trying to describe a very lovely 15 year old girl who likes maths and Dr Who. I can’t help feeling a lot of people have assumed I’m saying that’s bad thing - which I’m not! It’s just hard obviously because MY DD isn’t similar, so I think it automatically sounds like because I’m defending my DD to SIL’s comments I must be bashing DN. That really and truly isn’t the case. I’m not proud of DD being “cool” and going to lots of parties - I’m proud of the fact that she’s well liked (she gets along with DN’s friends despite few shared interests, and has friends from all sorts of “different social groups”), because to me it seems she’s kind, and proud of the fact that she is hardworking and dedicated, and relatively sensible. I am proud of DD but certainly not for having a 17 yo BF and getting invited to parties every week. I am proud of DN too - for being hard working, also well liked (and therefore I hope I can assume kind), and talented.

Thank you stop and finally!

Obviously I love my child more and want to defend her to SIL. But that doesn’t diminish the fact that I also love and respect DN. She was only included in this whole to explain how SIL uses her to bash DD! Because much of SIL’s criticism of my parenting of DD is based off how she parents DN/ how DN behaves. (“DN would never do that”, “Luckily DN isn’t like that”, “I wouldn’t let DN do such and such”).

Not sure why so many people think your SIL is jealous of you or your dd. To me that is very odd.

Your niece sounds amazing. Why would her mum not be happy with her.

I would tend to agree with your SIL about the drinking but I doubt I would have said anything to you. I think she is just concerned for her niece.

However, I can see it would be very annoying to be constantly criticized so I would go broken record and just not engage.

Have some set phrases and bore her to death with them...

"Thanks for sharing your concerns but I think it will be fine."

"I've thought about it a lot and I feel this is the best decision (my own one)"

I also totally agree about the boyfriend thing, you are right IMHO that banning her from seeing him could simply lead to her seeing him in secret and not telling you if he does anything bad/inappropriate etc.

Your daughter sounds great, just enjoy the fact that the girls are different, praise them both and do not worry. But do be open that once in a blue moon your SIL might be right and so maybe sometimes while going broken record you could just consider if she really does have your dd's best interests at heart and might be right.

I have to say I'd be concerned re my 15 year old drinking at parties (even if she is not getting blind drunk). I think allowing this, and providing alcohol at a party in your home in particular, is a step too far. I am genuinely baffled, although as other parents didn't object I suppose perhaps I am in the minority. In your SIL shoes, I'd probably be thinking the same thing ("are you sure that's a good idea?") but would keep my thoughts to myself unless asked.

I understand where you are coming from- not wanting to come down so hard on your DD that she feels she can't tell you if things go wrong and she needs help, for instance, but I think you are being quite permissive. And a bit fatalistic. It's not unreasonable as a parent of a 15 year old to say "you can go to x party but I don't want you to drink" and expect that to be respected. My parents did this- I was allowed to go to parties and expected not to drink. I didn't as I valued the freedom of getting to go out. As I got older the rules on drinking (moderately) relaxed. I didn't go wild when I went to university, nor did I turn "feral" as some suggest your DN might (I know you haven't suggested that yourself).

There's a difference between "give and take" and allowing your DD to make decisions/be given some freedoms vs not putting up boundaries because you're worried your teen won't abide by your what you've asked.

Maybe I have picked this up incorrectly but you've said she's "not getting drunk to point of vomiting" or "she hast been inebriated". getting drunk to the point of vomiting doesn't meant that she is drinking sensibly. I also hope it's not too frequent- for the sake of her health as she's only 15.

A slightly older boyfriend doesn't bother me quite as much- though of course there is the issue re her being underage and him not being.

I wonder if your SIL is concerned but not getting it across well? Or maybe she does feel "superior" or maybe it is jealousy. Hard to say, really. But you do sound as judgemental of her parenting style as she is of yours- just you are keeping it to yourself. I think you just have to be very blunt about how you feel about her comments.

getting drunk to the point of vomiting doesn't meant that she is drinking sensibly

should read the fact that she's not getting drunk to the point of vomiting doesn't meant that she is drinking sensibly

ItalianeGreyhound I absolutely do have concerns about drinking at her age - and I would have liked to have been able to chat to SIL about this but felt unable to when she took the “well MY DD isn’t interested” line (in a very smug/superior tone) as soon as I mentioned DD had been invited to her first party and we were negotiating alcohol! If it had come across as concern I would have been delighted because we could then have shared concerns and chatted about how I should deal with it (other than just say no to everything, which is what I think SIL thinks I should have done).

jacks it honestly just isn’t that shocking around here. My friends with older kids (who are now at Cambridge/Oxford/Durham/Manchester/Newcastle universities, so are academic and have bright futures) all started going to parties in year 10 (the average age around here - so 14/15). And a big group in DD’syear started in year 8, and DD recently went to one of their birthday events and she and her friend called me to come and pick them up at about 9pm because there was marijuana there and they didn’t want to be involved. I do think she’s still making sensible choices. And I actually think letting her go to a party where all her friends are drinking but telling her not to wouldn’t be that effective - instead I give her two/three cans of cider and tell her to only drink what I’ve given her (we’ve discussed mixing drinks/drugging and I think it’s safer if we know the drink’s source). Whenever I’ve collected her straight after she’s never been more than tipsy, and if she sleeps over I collect very early (8am on Saturdays and 8.30am on Sundays because she has dance/church) and she’s never been hungover. She gets invited to events probably once a week/fortnight but usually only goes to one or two a month. In October she went to a friend’s 18th and then had her hallow’en party, this month so far she’s been to a bonfire type event. If she was going every week and I knew she was drinking more than what I give her (I know she may already be but without stalking her I’ve just got to trust her and the evidence!) then I would understandably be cross, and there would be consequences. But I’ve got to make the boundaries realistic and seem fair to her - otherwise she’ll rebel. Her friends’ parents are all quite lax(/absent) - I’m actually one of the stricter ones!

And I don’t think I do judge SIL’s parenting? I think she’s doing everything just right for her DD, I just don’t think comparing her DD to mine is of much use. I would parent DN exactly as she is - but I’m not going to parent DD in that way. DN actually has fewer boundaries than DD (except regarding hobbies) because she just doesn’t need them!

You've changed from namechange to Rose0??? Just a heads up!