To wish DSis-in-law would stop criticising MY parenting?!?

[NameChanged2349]

Just what it says in the title really! DSis-in-law has a DD in the same year at school as my DD (15yo) and they get along fine but are just very different, and I am accepting of this. They always have been. Yet whenever I meet with DSis or the four (or even all) of us do something together she constantly makes snide remarks about the boundaries I set for DD and how DD ‘behaves’. (“Ooh I wouldn’t let my DD do that.” “Do you really let her do that?” “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.” “Don’t you think it’s a bit worrying that she’s doing XYZ already.”) It’s really grating on me.

So maybe this is almost a WWYD... I’ve called her out on it a few times now (I don’t judge your parenting/DD so there’s no reason to judge mine etc) and she just. Won’t. STOP. It’s almost every time we meet up and i’ve had enough!! Even DD and younger DCs have noticed because she’s started doing it around us all. AIBU to think it’s none of her business and wish she’d leave us to parent our teenagers differently?

Sounds annoying. Without examples though of your differences it's hard to tell. Could be she is an interfering wotsit best ignored, could be she is genuinely concerned for your DD...

Stop spending time with her?

I can’t really stop spending time with her - DDs are good friends, just don’t hang out in school, as are my younger DDs and her DSs (we both have 3 DCs all of similar ages). They also live 3 roads away and we get on well aside from this issue.

Examples are:
DD threw a halowe’en party, I spoke to the parents of the guests (no easy feat!!) and provided 2 cans of cider each (they’re in year 11). Cue lots of - “ooh but they’re underage! How could you allow them? I wouldn’t allow DD.” I totally understand that she wouldn’t allow her DD, but I spoke to the parents of the invited teens and none opposed - the group often have alcohol at parties and get invited to older year’s parties (they’re sort of the “cool group”, though I hate to describe it that way, which I think DSis turns her nose up at).
She then directly said to DD “so I see you like partying more than revising at the moment then?” Which was totally uncalled for - DD does go to parties and socialises a lot but is also working very hard.
DD has been playing the clarinet since she was 10 but recently decided to give up after taking her grade 6 as she no longer enjoys it. That was met with “but she had such a talent! I’m not sure i’d let DD give up her violin/piano.” Etc
DD also has a boyfriend who is two school years older (so he’s 17) and she’s been very rude about that - asking me why I don’t put a stop to it, saying it’s “ridiculous” at “such a young age”. I can’t help thinking that would just have been met with rebellion, whereas instead he’s been round for tea multiple times and gets on really well with the whole family, and DD is very open with me about their relationship.

It may just be concern but it’s coning across as quite judgemental. Her DD is very quiet, hard working, sort of part of the “nerdy” group (hate categorising like that!) and seems quite young for her age - my DD is a lot more outgoing and seems more grown up - and in the “popular” gang who mix a lot with the older years.

Just tell her to butt out

Believe me i’ve tried as directly as I can - I don’t want to fall out over it. I’ve tried “could you please stop making comments to me/DD about my/her choices.”, “why does it matter to you?” Etc but she just starts all over again next time I make a “poor decision”.

If being direct hasn't helped and avoiding is unlikely then I would agree with everything she says.

"Ooh I wouldn't let her give up musical instrument/whatever"

"Wouldn't you? That's nice"

"Ooh, I don't think you should xyz"

"Don't you? That's also nice"

etc etc. Tune out, agree aimlessly, appear bored, same tone, false smile.

Think you said it all with her daughter is in the nerdy group!!! She'll do well in life. Friends on fb now I considered nerdy are well above the popular group in life(totally an Inbetweener, and proud 😂)

So how about saying "Oh - why do you think that?" and go from there?

If she is genuinely concerned and thinks her point of view is valid, she'll discuss it with you, you can have your say about why you think it's OK, and then you can agree to disagree. Forcefully if necessary.

You just have 2 very different teens. I think I probably would err more to your DSIS(IL?)'s side - alcohol at 15 = drunk underage; boyfriend who is older = underage sex; giving up instrument they are talented at/socialising over revising = poor long-term decisions - but equally I recognise that none of that is very different to what I did as a teen, and none of it would be served by "insisting" on compliance.

But perhaps you come across as never wanting your decisions examined, or as if you may not have thought it through if you are just asking her not to comment at all ("why does it matter to you?" is quite defensive.)

Do you know why it bother you? If you are secure in your decisions about your DD it shouldn't matter too much, surely?

Do it back to her and see how she likes it. If she challenges you explain exactly what you're doing and why.

SIL - I would let her....
You - well you're so restrictive...

SIL - why do you let her.....
You - why do you baby your DD! I'm acknowledging my DD is a young woman and encouraging her to make more of her own decisions

Etc etc

Drat I mean I WOULDNT let her...

Tell her that her opinions are not necessary, that you are proud of your daughter and her constant nit picking is starting to piss you off.

There are huge social emotional and maturity in teens

DD sounds similar to yours

I hold my breath and trust she's making good choices because she has been allowed to make previous choices

Squashing them will make rebellion more likely

Love Shakey’s suggestion!

I think it’s the judgemental tone that bugs me the most - the almost insistence that because DD is interested in partying/boyfriends she is also therefore NOT interested in studying/working hard. This is not the case at all! She is very motivated in her schoolwork and already has an A* GCSE which she took at the end of year 10, and she has had a part time job for 8 months and was praised by the staff there for how hard working and reliable she is. She also plays the piano as well as the clarinet (just didn’t enjoy the clarinet any more) and dances four times a week to a potentially pre-vocational level - so she’s certainly not spending her life partying. She just attends parties when invited (and actually turns down invited quite a bit - she seems to be invited to an event almost every weekend but usually just goes to one or two a month), and has thrown a grand total of 2 (one for her birthday, one for hallowe’en. Hardly crazy!). It feels like DSis-in-law assumes that BECAUSE DD goes to parties she is somehow a tearaway teen who isn’t going to get far in life... (i’ve had - “don’t you worry what she’ll do in a few years?” And “I’m sure she’ll look back and regret all this”).

I do totally understand why a parent would uncomfortable with an older boyfriend/alcohol but the thing is, all of her friends drink and many of them have boyfriends. I just don’t think me saying “no” would be particularly constructive. She’d be far more likely to act out. So far, she’s never been properly drunk (no vomit/collapsing etc) and she comfortably brings the boyfriend to our house and we know he’s a very nice lad. I have tried to say this all to DSis-in-law in a discussion context, but she almost makes it a competition/argument - “well my DD isn’t interested, my DD doesn’t do any of this so I don’t see why you should let your DD” type line. Just frustrating really and makes me want to fight DD’s corner. Even DD says she feels judged.

Stripey that’s a fair point - her attitude is very much based on telling and teen obeying. As Green says I just see that causing more rebellion. Teens aren’t exactly renowned for listening to their mums

Just say- thank you for your concern - everytime she says something, it should confuse and hopefully make her think rather than say in future after you've trotted it out several times

In that case, having read your last post, I would crack on with Shakey's grey rock reactions, because your DD sounds fine. Hobbies, studying, social life, boyfriend, all within sensible limits.

Nod and smile, and think to yourself of how the questioning/judgement is just exposing her own insecurities about her DD.

A bit like when they're tiny and there are so many ways to get it "wrong" but actually all you need to focus on is love and consistent boundaries, and you won't get it "wrong" at all.

You know what, given how you've described it, I'd meet it head on.

'Sil, I've noticed you becoming more and more critical of my parenting, particularly with dd, and it's making it very hard to enjoy spending time with you like I used to, because I'm always waiting for another dig. I obviously don't like this, so how about we agree to disagree with our parenting styles and focus on what we do have in common and get back to enjoying ourselves?'

Just go broken record and ignore her comments.

You sound very judgmental about her child's social group, and about your daughter and her social group, do you express those thoughts to her?

‘Please stop saying these things. I’ve asked you nicely and you keep on doing it. You are judging me and judging DD. It is damaging your and my relationship, and your relationship with my DD. I understand that you have concerns, I understand what your concerns are, and I disagree with you. I am not going to change my mind. Please stop making these comments.’ And repeat every time she says something.

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions! Will definitely start trialling them next time.

And i’m definitely not judgemental about social groups - I dislike that they have to be categorised in such a way. It was just the easiest way to succinctly outline their differences. Niece is introverted and awkward around adults, has little interest in appearance, and instead obsesses over Dr Who/Harry Potter/maths/science. Enjoys studying, going to STEM club, playing in an orchestra. She’s also 6 months younger than DD which might be why she always seems a bit younger/ struggles a little with grown up conversation.
DD is confident and outgoing, including around adults, interested in fashion and makeup, loves dance/sports/languages/Literature. Just very different teens with different interests, and possibly at different stages of maturity/development. Which at 15, is hardly shocking. They’re both lovely girls though and get on wonderfully with each other - they enjoy spending time together. Just seems that DSis wants to believe one set of choices/interests is better than the other.

shs prob consious hr dd isnt as popular and taking it out on you

is hr dd invited to anything socially?

She is jealous of your DD's cool social life compared to hers DD and she wants it to have some negative consequences and wants her to fail.

All kids are different - I have 4 teens. The older 2 are like your DD, my 3rd is like your DN .... none of their behaviours or social lives did I have any control over. I cant imagine telling the older two that they were not going out, couldn't have a girlfriend etc and I cant imagine telling my shy nerdy 16 year old DD to get a boyfriend or go to a party.....

Your sil is almost certainly jealous because your dd is more popular/outgoing imo. Just ignore her.

She is probably mentioning the alcohol and older boyfriend out of love and concern. But the clarinet business is really nothing for her to be worrying about.

It sounds like jealousy. Was sil a geek or cool at school?

nothing wrong with either.