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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find M&T excruciating.

81 replies

lucyellensmum · 17/04/2007 15:44

Is it just me of are mother and toddler groups full of middle class competitive mothers? I take my little girl because she loves it but pleeeeeaaaaaaaaase spare me from the small talk. Yeah yeah im probably jealous cos i dont fit in.

OP posts:
lazawreath · 16/12/2007 21:49

I went to one with a friend of mine and the first time was a bit weird for me, but the second time I relaxed a bit more and everyone was very pleasant. My ds's seem to like it. TBH, everyone just looks knackered!

nuttynoel · 16/12/2007 21:52

Blimey LEM, you have been brainwashed. Old Vikkin here, how are yer gel? I recall other threads about this sort of thing - there's a great one about suggestions on how to socialise at M&T isn't there.
Well, I'm afraid I remain grateful that my M&T days are past though accept I was not great fodder.
I really feel for my sis-in-law who at 37 has just had her first ds and is now desperately trying to find like-minded friends in her small town in Kent. She's always commuted to London to work so doesn't have much of a network. M&T beckons.
BTW, she's in Headcorn so any suggestions gratefully received!

Krimble · 16/12/2007 21:52

I hated it, I suppose it was a bit more "working class" so not so much competetive mums but very bitchy and unwelcoming.

Lots of defensive mums hording toys around their feet for their little precious, hot drinks spilling all over the place. I just felt very isolated and lonely, tried to speak to the few more welcoming types but felt they were only humouring me and avoided me next time.

nosnikrap · 16/12/2007 21:54

By jove thats it, everyone is so knackered and near hysteria from lack of sleep that they are unable to socialise effectively and therefore get paranoid, anxious and insecure!! Then they take it out on the other mums in the form of criticism and comparing babies! Ha ha, I will definitely go to M and T's with this baby, and see them in a whole new light!!

HabbiChristmasToBu · 16/12/2007 21:55

Mine's bloody lovely! Really quite small, informal, laid back - everyone pitches in and makes tea for everyone, so you're not ignored, new people welcomed and chatted to, etc. I think we live in a nice friendly place which helps, but realise that I must be extraordinarily lucky, having read this thread...

OverRated · 16/12/2007 21:55

Our playgroup has become like this. DS loves it so we still go, but I have no interest in talking about:

Income
Sleep Schedules
Husbands
Siblings
Who's toddler is doing what

nosnikrap · 16/12/2007 21:58

Nuttynoel, I had to move to a town where I didn't know anyone when ds1 was 4 months, I started getting to baby clinic early and sat around chatting to other mums, also spoke to alot of strangers in the park through sheer insanity of lonliness! Made a couple of regular acquaintances in park, one good friend, my advice is talk to anyone who'll listen! At least you know that they can escape if they want to in the park!! ha ha (sounding quite stalkerish now!)

lazawreath · 16/12/2007 22:01

I did say to my friend 'everyone looks really miserable' to which she replied 'of course we do, we've got kids!' which made me laugh.

Quattrocento · 16/12/2007 22:01

So why go? I never have.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 16/12/2007 22:02

krimble, i know what you mean about the working class thing, i am as about as working class as they come and i honestly think that was one of my problems at a M&T group i went to, i simply didnt have the right "look". I did brazen it out though, but to be honest, i still dont fit in and i am going to give up on it after xmas - only went for the craft but have found a much better group for this and DD attention span longer so we can do more "Making" at home. Oddly enough, that ws the only group i ever got anyones number from. One of the lovely mums who i considered totally together and gorgeous, for some reason seems to like me and totally opened up to me about her PND. Which stunned me as i have PND too, perhaps theres an unconcious link The best group i go to is one with all working class mums who just blatantly adore their children, by far the best - but shit tea, its a pay off.

OP posts:
lazawreath · 16/12/2007 22:03

Well, they bolt the door and you get a nice cup of tea. What more could you want?!

MsHighwater · 16/12/2007 22:15

Well I've been to 2 different groups and have been really happy with both. Only stopped going to the first because they changed the day it was on (because of change of helpers) and it moved to a day when I work. The 2nd one, fortuitously, started last August just at the time the other one was changing.

Both are run by churches - don't know how common that is or what difference that might make. The new one was set up by a group of mums in their 20s/30s.

I've never seen any hint of the clique-yness people are talking about. I suppose my group is a bit middle-class-ish though the surrounding area is fairly mixed.

I'll miss the regular contact with other mums when my dd goes to nursery next year.

edam · 16/12/2007 22:21

I had lovely groups organised by my local Sure Start when ds was tiny - inner London, very mixed neighbourhood with extremes of wealth and poverty, hence groups were also mixed (although the very wealthy didn't turn up, plenty of middle class types).

Moved to the 'burbs and found all the MN posts about excrutiating M&T groups were true!

jetson · 16/12/2007 22:21

Oops, I think I read a thread earlier tonight where you mentioned that you'd posted about how crap M&T grps are and ended up looking back at your thread then forgot it was an ancient thread and just dived right in. I think i was curious to see what you had said about M&Ts being crap (excrutiating) as I had a sneaking feeling, as you say, that I may have just become brainwashed into liking them. I was feeling a little worried about myself as it made me suddenly remember that when I first went I thought they were sooo wet and dull and so sad and full of bored/boring people. And like you say I'm not sure what happened but half a year later or so I am stting there chatting away over cups of tea like a right deperate dull housewife!!! What's become of me!! I've either lost my snobby atitudes, my "too cool for school bad attitude" or I have become deeply sad and dweeby and dull. I couldn't bear all that "Old macdonald had a farm, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and now I'm leading the bloody singing! Still haven't found dozens of soul mates or anything but am just glad of the human company. Motherhood certainly leads us to desperate measures.

llareggub · 16/12/2007 22:30

I've never had particularly high expectations from M&T groups. After all, they are full of random people thrown together by one single common bond. As I don't find sleeping, eating and weaning interesting topics I've tended to stay away. I work full time but have a Wednesday off so don't want to commit to that sort of group. The chat about children really is to be expected where there is just one common bond. I'm sure things improve with time, but I don't really have the patience to chat at these sorts of groups, my son is very active and I'm constantly running after him.

I did however go to a great baby group where coincidentally, I knew about 5 others with babies the same age as mine. So we did tend to hang out together because we could talk about Things Other Than Baby. We were probably demonised for being a clique, but we did try and mingle a bit. By and large none of us bother with organised groups now, we just wreck each other's houses every week with our weekly meet-ups.

I'm sure though that if I found myself in an area where I knew no-one I'd give them a whirl. I think you get what you give and some posters on this thread seem to be put off by their own prejudices against certain stereotypes.

nosnikrap · 16/12/2007 22:30

rofl at jetson, I was so embarrassed at all that too when I started at MT, now working at nursery I have no pride, I wobble like jelly and wave my elephant trunk with the best of them, I think you have to become a little crazy when your a mother just to cope! Who knows, maybe the non parents are crazy for being so uptight! I love singing stoopid songs at the top of my voice!

jetson · 16/12/2007 22:36

Oops sorry my post above was in reply to Lucyellensmum's posting but it took me so long to write that by the time it went on the thread there were about 11 other posts up and my reply is totally out of context. Oh well' Lucyellensmum probably knows what I'm on an about as it was a direct reply to her last post. (or second from last post possibly) Agghh! I'm not making much sense here; perhaps I better bow out of the thread gracefully after reviving it by accident 9 months after it first appeared

jetson · 16/12/2007 22:40

Had to go away and look up rofl, nosnikrap (intriguing nickname?)

nosnikrap · 16/12/2007 22:44

reverse it jetson, makes more sense, I have no imagination!

jetson · 16/12/2007 22:50

Cool! There was a lad at my school called Legin who I always assumed was Dutch or something. After four years I realised that everyone else knew apart from me that it was just his nickname and his real name was Nigel!

HarkThegeekymummySings · 16/12/2007 22:54

ooh SS is 9 mo, not been to any groups yet! Am I sad in looking forward to going to some?!

bunnyhohohunny · 16/12/2007 22:57

the m&t group I go to has a lovely bunch of mums - all very down to earth. We are going for a night out soon - should be great fun!
And I have made a very good friend from nct groups.
so it just depends on the group I guess.

WinkyWinkola · 17/12/2007 10:05

But don't we all have to make inane chat with neighbours, check out staff, library staff, the postman, bus drivers etc? It's not really that hard to do.

M&T groups can just be another one of those. . . .boring banter about not much is just the oil that keeps social albeit distant relationships civil.

I go to three groups. One the mums are unbearably snooty and chilly so I don't bother making the effort. At another they're really friendly and great fun and the last, they seem a bit shy or something.

Ignore the silly competition. Change the subject to other things with the mums but it would be nice if you could enjoy the M&T groups as well as your DD.

LittleSusiesMum · 17/12/2007 11:17

i hate m&t groups for the same reasons as you lEM.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 17/12/2007 11:23

LucyEllensMum, I had that thought about the MN badge/handshake/ whatever, the other day at the Gruffalo stage show...

I was searching round the foyer frantically looking to catch someone's eye that I knew, desperate for a Mumsnetter to be there, well I bet loads were...I felt like standing on a table and shouting, 'Anyone here a Mumsnetter???' and then having a big group hug!

I think I might be going a little bit nuts.